Hard Digest April 3: Tariffs, Early Access Day Drinking, College Professors, Jared Fogle, and More

Epstein Island Only Place Unaffected By Trump Tariffs

By Matt Husser 

WASHINGTON — As a flurry of new US tariffs continued to shake the world economy, President Trump announced the only place unaffected by his new trade policy would be the infamous Epstein Island.

“My great and powerful tariffs have finally liberated America from the world’s economy, with the exception of the wonderful people of Epstein Island, who have always been very good friends to me. I’ve met a lot of friends there, dear friends, and the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen. We love Epstein Island, don’t we folks?” rambled Trump from the Rose Garden. “We will open a beautiful trade relationship with them, and many people are saying this is the greatest trade partnership in the history of the world. They have agreed to give us groceries and goodie bags at a very affordable price, unlike those backstabbers on Norfolk Island. I hear their island is infested by very nasty and incompetent penguins, who can’t even fly away from that shithole. Very sad!”

Economist Paulson Thatcher retained an optimistic view of the global economy after hearing of the Epstein Island exemption.

“Today’s announcement will prove to be another cunning economic chess move by President Trump, as Epstein Island has long been a favorite place of commerce among the world’s elite—uh, I assume anyways, I’ve certainly never been there myself,” said Thatcher, adjusting his tie. “But what we do know is that the island has a thriving economy and is reportedly the leading importer in fourteen-year old—that’s weird, the next word has been redacted—but I assume it’s referring to aged scotch or cigars.”

Fox News host Bret Baier reportedly hailed the announcement as a great success after Trump named Ghislaine Maxwell as new ambassador to the island following a full Presidential pardon.

“Nobody knows the inner workings of Epstein Island better than Ghislaine Maxwell, and her vast network of connections to world leaders and global financiers will help President Trump shower golden riches all over America,” said Baier. “Only someone as visionary as President Trump would think to make a 78-acre island the USA’s primary trade partner, but it’s that genius business acumen that will lead him to a historic third term.”

Elon Musk was reportedly advising President Trump to place the next round of tariffs on the mothers of his fourteen children.

Songwriter’s Dark, Deep, Lonely Creative Process Mostly an Excuse to Get Day Drunk on a Tuesday

By James Knapp 

MANITOWOC, Wis. — Brooding songwriter Evan Stone’s dark, deep, and lonely creative process was seen mostly as an excuse to get day drunk on a Tuesday, sources who are going to have a hell of a hangover tomorrow confirmed.

“Crafting a song is a deep and complex process that explores your rawest emotions at their very core. That’s why I need to be absolutely blasted before I even consider putting pen to paper. It really strips away your filter,” explained Stone. “It’s especially important in the first draft stage. Remember what that one guy said: ‘write drunk, edit sober.’ I’m pretty sure it was Dr. Seuss. Or Roald Dahl. One of those.”

Rick Jacobson, bartender at The Greasy Moose where Stone was exercising his songwriting process, expressed doubt that any progress was actually being made.

“That guy’s been sitting in here for four hours and I think I’ve seen him write down two things in that entire time. Mostly he just stares into the middle distance with a profound look on his face and then orders another shot of Goldschlager,” commented Jacobson. “Not like I really care – people are allowed to do whatever they want as long as it doesn’t make a mess in the bathroom. What bothers me is that I know he’s one of those assholes who is gonna say he’s light on cash and then try to tip me with a poem. Yeah, he has that look about him.”

Notable day drinker, Jawbreaker singer, and patron saint of all things deep, dark, lonely and creative, Blake Schwarzenbach, sympathized with Stone.

“I don’t necessarily wanna say that mindless alcoholism and creativity go hand-in-hand, but while I was writing ‘Dear You’ I started everyday in the studio with a case race against the guitar techs,” stated Schwarzenbach while taking his sweet goddamn time writing any new Jawbreaker material. “The bummer part is, you do actually have to bother to write something once you’ve gotten sloshed. Otherwise you’ve just wasted your time and probably more money than any song you could have crafted would ever even net you.”

At press time, Stone had scribbled the words “Breakup Song?” on his notepad before deciding to take a break to play the bar’s Golden Tee game for a little while.

Opinion: As a College English Professor, It Is My Duty To Try and Sleep With Students To Inspire Their First Great Novel About Middle-Aged Men

By Tim Sheard 

My name is Professor Henry Davison. I have been a professor of English for twelve years at Grover Cleveland University here in Ohio. And it’s time to face facts: Everyone is so damn sensitive these days. It’s like nobody remembers that it’s the job of a teacher to mold and motivate his pupils. And this is what I do, the only way I know how. It doesn’t matter if they’re a mousy Freshman woman or a haggard, but still very beautiful grad student, it is my job to try and sleep with my co-eds to inspire their first great novel about middle-aged men.

I am a disciple of the greats: Bukowski, Updike, Wallace. And I am here to tell you there are only two acceptable things to write about in the whole of literature. One is office culture, which I usually tell my male grad students to write about for their first novel. And the other is the sexual liberation and coming of age of forty-year-old men, which I find only a young woman’s perspective can achieve with my careful tutelage.

It’s worked for me, you know. I still remember writing my first novel: Lessons Learned on Bitterbuck Terrace. It’s the story of a young man, just barely thirty-nine, being reintroduced to his love of life by a naïve, but beautiful twenty-two-year old, who helps him gather the strength to leave his mean wife when she tries to make him give up his semi-professional curling league. That’s pure autobiography. It was barely cheating. She gave me an ultimatum. Her or curling. I could’ve gone Olympic if it hadn’t been for my sciatica.

Do my attempts go over well? No. Mostly no. Do I get slapped in the face? A lot. If it was nickels, I’d have at least a dollar the amount of times someone’s hit me. It’s the vicious cycle of being a creative. No one ever understands me. I’m just a young, gleeful, forty-plus-year-old adonis, here to inspire art.

And I know what you’re asking me: Professor, how can you possibly be this cavalier about all this? Doesn’t the nanny state of academia discourage these attempts? Well, you’d be right — in a wrong sort of a way — but let me ask you this: Have you ever tried to fire someone with tenure? You might as well go swim in the desert. But it doesn’t make the slaps hurt less, that’s for sure.

Bored Donald Trump Pardons Jared Fogle for the Hell of It

By Steve Packosky

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump decided on a whim to pardon former Subway spokesperson and confessed serial child molester Jared Fogle, sadly unsurprised sources report.

“It was a pretty slow day today,” said Trump. “Elon’s taking care of most of the work, so I just watched Fox News and ate McDonald’s all morning. I remembered I needed to do something that flexes my presidential muscle so people wouldn’t forget who’s boss, so I pardoned that Subway guy. He seems like a nice enough guy despite those little child predator charges. I mean, the guy managed to convince the whole country that a 12-inch meatball sub is somehow healthy, so I admire his ability to lie under pressure. I also can’t fault him for the sex offenses, either. They didn’t happen under my presidency so they don’t even count.”

Fogle was perhaps the most surprised at the pardon.

“I would’ve campaigned for Trump had I known this was going to happen,” said Fogle as he prepared to leave his prison in Jefferson County, Colorado. “I was actually pretty accustomed to my life behind bars, so now I’m unsure what I’m going to do. Being a Subway spokesperson and showing my former pants on national television are literally my only skills, and I sincerely doubt that place is going to hire me again. Maybe I’ll see if Jersey Mike’s or Firehouse Subs are looking for people to star in their commercials, or, at the very least, hire me as a crew member at one of their locations around here.”

Senior South Carolina senator Lindsay Graham reacted to the latest bit of news he’d be forced to defend.

“This had to happen right before my CNN interview,” Graham sighed as he stared dead-eyed at the wall of his office. “At least if it was on Fox News they wouldn’t even bring it up, but I just know Kaitlan Collins is going to ask me about it. Maybe I could mention Fogle’s past focus on child fitness and say his release is a net positive for society? Ugh, I don’t know. I got into politics because I sincerely believed in conservative ideology. Never in a million years did I think I would be defending a child predator because a talk show host-turned president needlessly pardoned him from prison.”

At press time, Trump decided to make Fogle the new Secretary of Education.

Samus Forced to Watch 30-Second Ad to Charge Power Beam

BY Garry Kerls 

VIEWROS — After downloading the latest software update to her Power Suit, Samus Aran is now required to watch a 30-second advertisement everytime she wants to fully charge her Power Beam, sources confirm.

“These suits were designed to last a lifetime,” said one Galactic Federation programmer hired to upgrade the bounty hunter’s iconic armor. “But from a money-making perspective, that’s psychotic! So we put a paywall inside it, giving limited access to the user and putting a premium on the actual fun stuff.”

The update – which happened in the middle of the night without Aran’s knowledge or consent – has capped fully charged Power Beam shots to three a day, while also locking the grappling hook behind a $30 DLC.

“I have no idea where I am, or how to get out, and now I need to watch a Hims.com ad whenever I activate my power visor?” Samus remarked in the contents of a distress signal originating on the undiscovered planet, Viewros. “It’s not enough that I’m literally biologically fused with this suit, but now my wallet is too?”

The Power Suit, which was originally designed by the Chozo, has been reverse engineered by the Galactic Federation to maximize its revenue gaining potential. This resulted in half of the suit’s abilities being pushed behind a paywall that can only be unlocked through the purchase of a premium subscription.

“We considered slapping brand logos all over it like a NASCAR driver,” said the head of the Galactic Federation’s marketing team. “But the only things that would ever see those are the gross aliens and bugs she’s always killing, not our preferred demographic, so instead we put the ads inside the suit, pretty genius, right?!”

At press time, with the help of Space Pirates, Samus has successfully installed uBlock Origin in the suit and set its VPN to Albania.

Giant Anvil to Be Dropped on Looney Tunes Building

BY Brett McCabe

LOS ANGELES — Vultures are circling above the studio formerly known as Termite Terrace after word spread that Warner Bros. Discovery is demolishing the original Looney Tunes animation bungalow.

“Eh-the eh-the eh-the eh-the eh-that’s all really devastating to hear,” said Porky Pig, former studio mascot. “After D-Daffy and I just saved the pl-eh pl-eh pl-eh Earth from an asteroid too.”

The demolition is contracted to Acme Corp., known for its bed springs, fly paper, and straight-jacket ejecting bazookas. The teardown was scheduled to happen weeks ago but the truck delivering the TNT was accidentally driven into a wall painted like the studio, causing a lit cigar to fly from the driver’s mouth, lighting the dynamite.

“I say, I say, I say the unemployment office needs more staff. I say, pick up the phone, boy!” declared Foghorn Leghorn. “I’m not one of those docile pushovers you’re used to dealin’ with, son. I’m a loud-mouthed schnook with more feathers than brains, but I am indeed worried about my future.”

Ketchup Entertainment is currently in talks with Warner Bros. to purchase the Looney Tunes brand after a studio executive drove by the lot and saw a coyote holding a sign that read “help”. The timing couldn’t have been better as the Animaniacs were recently served an eviction notice to evacuate their water tower.

“They can have it if they pay up,” said Warner Bros. CEO David Zaslav. “That lot is blocking my view to Venus and it’s time to go. In its place will be a shorter structure housing offices to brainstorm new ways to write off taxes, in addition to spa rooms and an Erewhon Smoothie Express staffed 24 hours a day. We’re confident in Wile E. Coyote’s abilities to drop an anvil from a speeding rocket onto the lot. Any remaining characters on the premises will be chased by security into the sunset.”

At press time, David Zaslav was seen mixing a barrel of a mysterious green liquid while laughing maniacally