Hard Digest April 1: Early Access Blink 182, Urine, DOGE, and More

“Enema of the State” Cover Art Only Thing Reminding Aging Punk to Get Yearly Colonoscopy

By Arielle Andreano 

FAIRFAX, Va. — Local aging punk Blake Feinstein credits the cover art for Blink-182’s “Enema of the State” as being the only reason he remembers to get regular colonoscopies, sources close to the colon confirmed.

“I never schedule my colonoscopy ahead of time. After every one, they ask if I want to schedule my next since I have a history of colon cancer in my family, and I say no because my system works. I wouldn’t leave it up to chance,” said Feinstein. “I don’t know what I’d do without the ‘Enema of the State’ nurse lady. The album inevitably makes it back into my rotation right on schedule and her menacing gloved hand is all I need. The last time I went, one of the nurses almost kind of looked like her too. Can’t wait to get my next one.”

Stanley Klein, a gastroenterologist at Inova Fairfax, shared findings that indicate this colonoscopy scheduling technique may be more common than previously thought.

“Thanks to online portals, we’re able to run more surveys than ever and it’s easy to gather data on how people found us and things like that,” said Klein. “In the past couple years, our practice has found that many people are selecting the ‘Other: Blink-182 cover art’ option in the ‘What made you schedule this appointment?’ section of our post-appointment questionnaire. It’s accounted for up to 75% of procedures, recently. In fact, thanks to Blink-182, all of our rectal exam procedures have been non-stop.”

Colon health advocacy and outreach groups are taking advantage of these findings, Quentin Smyth of the “Get Tubes Up Butts” group confirmed.

“When it comes to preventative health and cancer screenings, it’s important to use every tool at our disposal to get the public informed and interested,” said Smyth. “We must embrace this and further harness the power of the scary yet incredibly hot nurse on the ‘Enema of the State’ album. May she terrify and arouse us all into getting our colons screened regularly. We cannot underestimate this form of outreach when it comes to reaching in there. Get your butts checked, people!”

At press time, the NIH is reportedly looking into this phenomenon and researching whether the cover art for “The Velvet Underground & Nico” can get people to take potassium intake more seriously.

Opinion: If Urine Can Help Heal a Jellyfish Sting, It Can’t Hurt To Try It on Our Marriage

By Nathan Kamal 

There comes a time in every marriage in which you have to admit that things have gone too far. You might be living in the same home, but you’re no longer looking in the same direction. You might be eating the same sub sandwiches, but dunking them in different soups. You hate each other’s fucking guts, to be clear.

That’s where we’re at, babe, and I’m going to throw this out there: human urine.

Before you get up and drive your beloved 2011 Volkswagen Beetle out of my life for the last time, I want to try everything we can. And if urine can heal the wound of a jellyfish sting, who says it can’t help out when the rose of love begins to lose its bloom?

We all know that jellyfish stings infect tender skin hyaluronidase, neurotoxic peptides, bioactive lipids, hemolytic proteins, histamine, and cytotoxic proteins, much as the passage of time inserts resentment and anxiety into a long-term relationship. I think that’s what our relationship counselor was trying to tell us.

Everyone also knows that human urine is uniquely suited, for reasons that only the gods above know, to alleviate jellyfish stings. Does Jehovah want people to piss on stings? Does Zeus have something against jellies? Who can say, but we know it’s the only thing to do.

If that’s the case for an aquatic wildlife wound, why wouldn’t it work on the rift in our once harmonious bond?

Listen, we’ve both tried a lot. I tried to learn as much as I could about the history of Volkswagen Beetles, ignoring the Nazi parts. You tried to learn what kind of sub sandwiches I like, although I acknowledge that there are times even I don’t know.

But we’re still fighting. I sleep on the couch. You sleep in your 2011 Volkswagen Beetle, and it kind of seems like a waste that no one gets to actually sleep in the bed. We can’t even meet each other’s eyes over our differentiated soups.

Also, this isn’t a sex thing. Golden showers aren’t going to save our marriage, tantalizing as their sweet sweet humiliation may be. What I’m suggesting is that human urine may contain some innate physical property that will actually cure whatever is wrong with our romantic relationship.

All I know is that we’ve exhausted every possible avenue and now, urine is the only thing we can look to. I don’t like it anymore than you do, but we owe it to ourselves to give it a shot. Before you say yes or no, can I interest you inthis 2 quart pitcher of iced tea?

DOGE Launches GoFundMe to Fund Purported Savings

By Holden Klym

WASHINGTON — Elon Musk’s team at the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) launched a GoFundMe campaign to raise money for the savings they claim to have already achieved, confirmed sources.

“We’ve been working around the clock for days, trying to get every taxpayer to donate. We’re recommending a minimum donation of $714.29 to match the exact amount we keep saying out loud. So far three people have donated. Only hundreds of millions more to go,” admitted Preston Stockwell, a 19-year old DOGE employee and college dropout. “If Musk finds out about this GoFundMe, he’ll either fire us all or bring his chainsaw to the office and start making puns about slashing government spending again. We just can’t risk it.”

Musk supporters tried their best to donate to the cause.

“I was kind of shocked to see a page titled ‘Make Savings Great Again’ asking me to donate my hard-earned money to create them,” stated Ivana Brayncel, a Republican mother. “My cousin Rod took a break from posting pictures of his baby holding his AK-47 to share the GoFundMe though, so I knew it must be important. I wish I could help them meet their goal of 11.5 billion dollars, but unfortunately I had just donated to a handful of family members’ hospital bills on their GoFundMe pages yesterday. I swear half of my paycheck goes to crowdfunding medical expenses.”

Musk, in his ketamine-fueled haze, repeatedly denied the non-existence of their purported savings.

“These savings are very real. Maybe even too real. A GoFundMe page would be less efficient, and that’s not what we’re about. We’re here to create transparency about where taxpayer dollars are going,” stated Musk while his eyes darted around the room as if independent from his body. “It’s embarrassing that Americans think so little of DOGE to make such a claim. The numbers are there on the website. For instance, you have no idea how much we saved by defunding humanitarian aid, veterans, and governmental transgender mice.”

At press time, the DOGE team also started a GoFundMe campaign to raise money for the Tesla stock that has been plummeting.

Trump Bans Men From Playing WNBA Mode on 2K25

BY RJ Dralle 

WASHINGTON — Earlier today, President Trump signed an executive order banning any man from playing the WNBA mode on 2K25 surrounded by a crowd of reporters in the Oval Office. 

“This is the best, most beautiful executive order I’ve signed yet,” exclaimed the President. “I promised to protect all women, including computer women, from dangerous men besides myself. If any man is caught pretending to be a woman on 2K25 to try dominating Caitlin Clark or—that’s the only female basketball player I know, they will be permanently banned from the game and publicly castrated.”

While many on the right are celebrating President Trump for his strong action against men playing the WNBA mode on 2K25, some are shocked this was on the list of priorities for the President. 

“Is this real?” questioned D.C. native Brenda Aston. “I thought he would be trying to decrease the cost of living for every American, but instead, he’s worried about video games? Okay, yeah well this ‘problem’ of men playing WNBA mode on 2K25 won’t be much of a problem for long since most Americans won’t be able to afford the game here soon.”

White House correspondent Alfred Greenly, who has followed Trump for both of his terms, is weighing in on what this executive order could mean for the future of the United States. 

“While this seems like a performative stunt to appease his base, President Trump won’t stop at 2K25,” said Greenly. “He’s going to go after any video game where you can choose a character, and he’s going to ban men from playing as those female characters. So favorites like Princess Peach, Lara Croft, Samus and Ms. Pac-Man could soon very well be off limits for men to play.” 

At press time, PlayStation has announced that they will be installing genitalia scanners to all PS5s sold in the United States to adhere to President Trump’s newest policy.