Hard Digest March 30: Early Access Dave Mustaine, Antibiotics, Mitch McConnell, and More

Dave Mustaine Urges Trump to Outlaw Bands Firing Their Best Guitarist

By Ryan Danley 

WASHINGTON — Megadeth frontman Dave Mustaine is petitioning the Trump administration to institute a new law to prevent bands from firing their best guitarist, headbanging onlookers reported.

“I don’t care what anyone says—I’ve seen it happen way too many times, and it’s wrong,” said Mustaine. “Bands kick out the guy who brings the riffs, the soul, and the fire. If you’re the most talented guitarist, not to mention the handsomest, you should be the one in control of your future. It’s like cutting off your right arm for no reason and replacing it with the Exodus guitarist’s arm. I’ve watched it happen with all sorts of bands, like ones where the best guitarist gets the boot because of politics or personality clashes. I’m the one who brings the energy, the riffs that people can’t forget. I don’t care how successful a band is after their best guitarist leaves! I mean at least give them credit for ‘The Four Horseman.’ It’s time for our government to step in!”

President Donald Trump, always quick to align with Mustaine, voiced his full support.

“Dave is a legend, and I’m 100% behind him on this,” Trump said. “Bands can’t just get rid of their highest quality guitarist. That’s just sad. No band ever succeeded without their original lead guitarist—except for maybe a few, but they didn’t have Dave Mustaine. Believe me, I’ll sign an executive order on this. It’s time to protect the great musicians, who were metal guys but now are born again Christians and support MAGA, who’ve been screwed over.”

While the president’s backing has rallied some to Mustaine’s cause, others, like Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, are skeptical.

“Oh great, another law protecting washed-up guitarists from the consequences of their own egos. Maybe we should also ban bands from replacing drummers who ‘find Jesus’ mid-tour, or ban starting a new band because your gooner guitarist spent all the band’s money on OnlyFans,” Ocasio-Cortez added. “I know the cis white guys are feeling sad these days, but are we going to create a whole new level of victimhood for aging rockstars who were disappointed four decades ago? And did any of these guys ever stop to consider that maybe—just maybe—they got fired because their singing sounds like the Cryptkeeper doing karaoke?”

At press time, Mustaine was reportedly drafting a follow-up proposal demanding that all fired guitarists be legally entitled to release an album called “The Real Metallica, Vol. 1.”

New Primary Care Physician? My Roommate Thinks Antibiotics Are a Hoax and Has Tons of Health Podcasts To Show Me

By Tim Sheard 

New insurance means finding a new PCP. Thankfully, my roommate Kaleb took an online holistic sound-bath course and really knows his stuff. He says since I don’t have a doctor, I don’t have to endure their bullshit vaccine lies. I am waking up from a history of deception. In fact, Kaleb’s constant medical advice has me wondering: do I even need a PCP? I have the smartest roommate in Miami-Dade County!

Kaleb has a lot to say about the medical industrial complex. We don’t even have Tylenol or Band-Aids in the apartment. “Skin heals itself, bro. Our ancestors didn’t have soap,” says Kaleb smoking a cig, blistered and barefoot. This is way more chill than heading into some lame clinic. Kaleb doesn’t take insurance, he takes loosies. Kaleb doesn’t give prescriptions, he gives truth.

Over a glass of raw milk, Kaleb explains how we’ve grown into weak medicated betas. He’s kind enough to share his raw meat and wet soil with me. Kaleb fires up desktop clips of RFK Jr. giving health speeches. Boy, I’m lucky to have such smart friends. And this is all super generous of him, especially since his neck is so stiff from the polio, poor guy has difficulty turning his head to comment on bookmarked Rogan videos.

When I take out my phone, he grabs ahold and throws it into our swimming pool. “5G is destroying your semen!” he screams. I have to admit, despite the lack of evidence, he makes a good point. Why haven’t any of these so-called “medical professionals” warned me about the Chinese phone networks depleting my swimmers? I know what those antenna towers are for.

Without my phone I feel naked but safe in Kaleb’s embrace of homespun medical care. We celebrate with an “all-natural” concoction: a blend of cucumber juice, his mother’s breast milk, fermented goat piss and unfiltered pond water. I feel more alive than ever, my head thrumming with a soft buzz. Maybe it’s the water-borne amoeba snacking on my brain. Kaleb says it’s my “thinking lobes” getting bigger.

Unfortunately Kaleb also thinks rent is a hoax, so we’ve had to kick him out. It’s all copacetic: he’s doing van life in the backyard. Can’t lose my doctor! In fact, we have a check-up scheduled later about my measles rash, but Kaleb’s got plenty of carrot juice so I’m feeling confident I can kick this.

Mitch McConnell Settling Into Retirement by Destroying All the Houses Jimmy Carter Built

By Tom K 

FRANKFORT, Ky. — Oft-succumbing and soon-dying United States senator Mitch McConnell revealed his post-political plans of destroying all the houses Jimmy Carter built during his time with Habitat for Humanity, confirmed sources who even spotted him with a gas can and book of matches.

“After spending more years in political office than most people have lived, it’s extremely liberating to just be freely and belligerently destructive at my own pace,” explained McConnell to a slightly disorganized coat rack he mistook for a reporter. “My life and career have been defined by a strong and unwavering opposition to the less fortunate, but up until now it’s all been on paper. I haven’t been able to really roll up my sleeves, put boots on the ground, and just strangle a poor person, ya know? But first, these Carter-shacks gotta go now that he can’t hurt me anymore.”

This interest in demolition is not new, however, as Habitat for Humanity staff have identified numerous past appearances by the senator.

“Yep, he’s been out here quite a few times,” reported the organization’s on-site gerontologist Gerald Wayfeather. “Always coming in after his Sunday mall-walk, right after Mr. Carter used to leave for the weekend. Ol’ Mitchy would run around all day slapping drywall, gnawing on support beams, falling through plate glass windows until he was all tuckered out. Not a care in the world other than blind antagonism, bless his heart.”

Experts often point to passion projects such as these to keep one’s life full of vigor well into old age.

“Retirement should be about rediscovering the roots of your identity,” stated AARP spokesperson Bertram Hannick. “It is important for former lawmakers, jaded by years of political deadlock, to use their newfound independence for becoming the fullest, most unrelentingly primal pieces of shit they couldn’t quite be during their career, though not for a lack of trying. For instance, when Strom Thurmond retired, he would spend his time stealing food from old people who just received a hot dish from Meals on Wheels.”

At press time, McConnell planned to expound on his malevolent personal endeavors in the forthcoming memoir, “Human Impediment: Tales of a Worthless Life, Soon Forgotten.”

Elon Musk Trades Lv. 100 Charizard to Elon Musk

BY Garry Kerls 

WASHINGTON — In a closed door meeting between personally owned GameBoy Colors, tech billionaire Elon Musk has acquired a rare level 100 Charizard from fellow tech billionaire, Elon Musk, our sources confirm.

“I think both sides of the link cable will profit greatly from this,” said the X owner as he exited the deal with several of his closest DOGE-appointed meme lords. “It’s a starter transaction that will unlock immense potential by blending Charizard’s high speed and special attack with Blastoise’s defensive capability and expertise in the Elite Four.”

News of this arrangement has sparked outrage across the internet from Pokemon purists who compare the deal to insider trading, something that would get any regular Pokemon player shunned from the community.

“Pokemon is my life, it’s my livelihood,” said one TCG scalper waiting outside a Costco. “But Musk’s got cheat codes, he’s using a GameShark or an Action Replay, just putting money into his own pocket and filling his party with maxed out killers.”

News outlets across the country have speculated the legality of the internal acquisition, likening the SpaceX CEO to Team Rocket leader, Giovanni.

“It was a private agreement between two privately handheld parties of which I happen to own both,” said Musk in another close-to-tears interview on Fox News. “The only person who could claim fraud in the transaction is me, and why would I do that? People are being such jerks.”

At press time, Musk’s new Charizard, ‘Gork,’ has one shot every encounter in the game.