Hard Digest March 29: Early Access Pinback, Movies, MAGA, and More

Pinback’s “Penelope” Nominated for “Best Song About Goldfish Ownership” for 24th Year in a Row

By The Hard Times Staff 

SAN DIEGO — Members of the indie rock group Pinback celebrated after their song “Penelope” was once again named the “Best Song About Goldfish Ownership” by the American Fishkeepers Federation, excited sources confirmed.

“Ecstatic is an understatement. I can’t believe we pulled it off again this year, but it turns out not a single other band on the planet is focusing their creative energy towards songs about goldfish. I’m running out of room in my trophy case,” said Armistead Burwell Smith IV, who briefly owned a goldfish named Penelope who inspired the song. “I remember the exact day we came up with the song. It was September 12th, 2001. The Twin Towers had just collapsed, America was on edge, and nobody knew what would happen next. That’s when I looked at my fishbowl and saw Penelope floating there, and I knew at that moment this was an even greater tragedy that we had to write about.”

Ted Rouse, the Director of the American Fishkeepers Federation, said the Pinback song is a valuable tool for goldfish owners.

“Dropsy is no laughing matter. Educating fish owners about this terrible affliction is the best way to keep tanks clean and fish healthy,” said Rouse. “‘Penelope’ is a tragic song about a fish cut down in its prime. Just thinking about poor Penelope makes me tear up a little. But thankfully she did not die in vain. It’s impossible to calculate how many goldfish have been saved because of that song, but I’d estimate it’s at least two dozen. I’ve been trying to convince the band to write a follow-up song that addresses polycystic kidney disease and they keep telling me they are working on it. I’ve been waiting 15 years already so I assume the song is going to be amazing once it’s done.”

Petco CEO Joel D. Anderson admits he has been trying to erase “Penelope” from streaming services.

“This song cuts into our bottom line. We don’t want fish owners to know about common afflictions that befall fish. We want them to buy fish, have them die, and then buy more fish. It might sound heartless, but that’s capitalism for you,” said Anderson while tapping on the glass of a fish tank with his pen. “I’ve lobbied Spotify and YouTube to get the song removed. I’ve bought up old copies of ‘Blue Screen Life’ and burnt them in a trash can in my backyard. Once ‘Penelope’ is gone then I expect Petco profits to skyrocket.”

At press time, Pinback hopes to piggyback off the success of “Penelope” by writing a song about a Red-Eyed Crocodile Skink a family friend received as a birthday gift.

Absolutely Devastating: The Old Man in This ‘80s Movie Is Like 35

By Dan Rice

Ijust had the most horrible experience. There I was, minding my own business, watching “My Dinner With Andre” so that I could mention watching it to people in passing and they’ll think I’m better than them. All of a sudden out of nowhere Wallace Shawn, who we can all agree has always been incredibly old, casually offers up that in that movie, he is 35 years old.

That’s. Not. possible. I’m 36!

At first, I thought “What an odd choice to make the character so much younger than the actor, especially when he’s playing himself” but I looked it up, and sonofabitch he was right!

It’s a real headscratcher because both the character and the man playing him are actually younger than I am, and yet Wallace Shawn is very, very much an adult in this film. This has to be a glitch in the matrix or something right? Wallace Shawn can’t be 35 in this movie because I’m already 36, and I’m still in my twenties! Wait. Oh. I never said that out loud before. Hmm.

I’m not old! This doesn’t make any sense! When I look at myself in the mirror I don’t look like Wallace fucking Shawn, I look like me! Only older! Oh. Fuck.

Hang on… am I old? Is this how I find out I’m old now? Am I supposed to be bald and own sweaters and shit? Am I supposed to sit at fancy restaurants listening to guys like André Gregory vamp poetic about theater and existentialism and like, not really get it all but deep down desperately want to, or whatever the fuck?

Wait, does that mean this is how my life turned out? This is me, fully formed? That sucks! I know 20 years is a long time to work at a bookstore, but in the back of my head I always still assumed I would grow up to be something cool, like a famous artist or a spy! Can I still be a spy? Let’s see, googling Sean Connery + James Bond + age and… 33?! James Bond was thirty fucking three?! Oh my God… it’s over!

Wait… hang on. Yeah. Okay. I just remembered. I’m actually 39.

MAGA Conservatives Unite in Outrage After Woman Makes Valid Point

By Ben Friedman 

CHARLESTON, S.C. — MAGA devotees united in shock and outrage in protests across the country after local woman Helen Graves made a valid point regarding the effectiveness of gutting the Department of Veterans Affairs, belligerent and screaming conservatives have confirmed.

“I have never felt so disgusted seeing a woman voice her opinion on a topic I am one hundred percent pretty sure I’m right about. First of all, who the hell let her watch the news and secondly why does she think she’s qualified to bring up denying services to veterans with PTSD which will lead to long term mental health issues?” said demonstrator Alan Munson in the parking lot of what was until recently the local VFW. “We’re here to let her know that if she wants to spread her feminazi ideas about supporting our troops she can just slap a yellow ribbon magnet on her minivan and not make us patriots realize vet care is more nuanced and complicated than DOGE makes it out to be!”

Graves was stunned that her comment sparked a national backlash.

“All I did was respond to some story my uncle reposted on Facebook, pointing out screwing over people who served our country isn’t in everyone’s best interest. That’s it. Three hours later there’s 20,000 death threats in my DMs and protestors outside my house claiming I’m converting kids into militant lesbians in my basement,” said Graves. “I’ve seen other people make the same argument without this much heat, do they really have nothing else to be mad about? Guess I have no choice but to add ‘pointing out the obvious’ to the list of things I’m not allowed to do as a woman.”

Political analysts noted that a negative reaction of this proportion is becoming the norm.

“The number one thing people underestimate about America is how much this country hates women. Yes, progress has been made but look how quickly women’s voices are being eroded the moment it becomes more socially acceptable to be a misogynist dickbag towards women making sense in public,” said analyst Caitlin Bunker. “We’ve seen polls indicating that MAGA men would rather lose their livelihoods and die penniless due to Trump’s policies than heed advice from a person they view as a human incubator. Seriously, it’s that fucked up.”

As of press time, the firestorm around Graves intensified after old social media posts surfaced referencing that Nazis were the bad guys in World War II.