Hard Digest March 27: Early Access Deafheaven, ICE, Perverts, and More

Goth and Metalhead Fight Over Who Gets to Shit on New Deafheaven Album

By S.L. Neechski

MILWAUKEE, Wisc. — Local metalhead Zach Schmidt and goth Brandon Cleary got into a heated slap-fight over who was entitled to whine about the upcoming Deafheaven album, “Lonely People With Power,” perpetually-bitter sources confirmed.

“I was at Up-Down Arcade playing pinball and talking to a friend about what garbage-ass circle-jerk bullshit the new Deafheaven single is,” said Schmidt. “They broke all the rules, so they’re not metal anymore. They’re gothy shoegaze whatever now, and I said so. And then this jackass with a bad dye-job came up and said I didn’t have any right to bitch because the goths own them now. Needless to say, shit was on. Just because I disowned a band for an arbitrary reason doesn’t mean I can’t still loudly fucking complain about them. After all, I knew them first.”

First-responding officer Randy Pruss was baffled by the situation.

“When I arrived at the scene, the two were arguing about something called Deathhaven,” said Pruss. “This is actually the first time I’ve had to write out a police report where the two sides got into a physical altercation because they were in agreement with each other. If only these kids listened to real music, like the Nuge or Kid Rock, then this kind of stuff wouldn’t happen. Those artists are peaceful and bring people together. I mean, Kid Rock’s never lashed out like a petulant teenager at pointless stuff, because that’s beneath him.”

Music journalist Tyler Wild discussed the displeasure among music fans regarding Deafheaven.

“This was bound to happen,” explained Wild. “Metalheads and goths strive for joylessness, and thus tend to hate their own bands for not being the violence-obsessed or the black-drenched ideals in their respective camps. And being a blackgaze band, Deafheaven is particularly divisive, so of course a scuffle broke out. If you’re a metalhead, you hate everything besides their 2010 demo, because everything after is poser nonsense when real production and singing start to appear. If you’re a goth, ‘Infinite Granite’ is your only option because they sound like a My Bloody Valentine cover band doing a second-rate Depeche Mode impression.”

At press time, both Schmidt and Cleary pre-ordered the Daydream Variant vinyl, despite being sure it’ll suck an insane amount of ass.

Weird! This ICE Agent’s Dates Never Return From the Bathroom Right After He Explains What He Does for Work

By Ben Friedman 

Modern dating is hard, even hellish a majority of the time. The emotional labor of countless swiping and dead ends on dating apps is already spirit crushing, but worse still is actually procuring a date only for it to flame out within 30 minutes the moment the vibes are off.

Such is the case of Liam Wright, who has been questioning how every single one of his dates in the past two months has ended with women excusing themselves to the bathroom and never returning. While he can’t fully explain why it’s happening, the one common thread is that it only seems to happen immediately after he explains the ins and outs of his job as an ICE Agent.

“It’s the same thing with every woman! We meet up for dinner and find out we like all the same music and quote pop culture references from 2006, but the second I mention I round up migrant workers for ICE because I believe immigrants are animals, they suddenly get diarrhea and never return. I can’t prove it just yet, but I think my job might be a turn off. That or it somehow gives women diarrhea?”

Yes, it’s truly a mystery as to why at least three women have abandoned Liam via a restaurant bathroom window minutes after he explains that most of his work day is spent stalking Hispanic children outside of their schools. Could it be that he hasn’t had enough time to explain the complicated intricacies of our country’s immigration policies, or is it simply that he’s a heartless thug who willingly went into an inhumane profession?

“Even when I randomly meet someone at a bar, it’s the same shit. Why the hell does everyone I meet order an angel shot from the bartender right after I explain why zip ties are the best method of restraining immigrants? I’d like to think I’m defined by my personal qualities, like being a great listener and following orders. I’m totally down for doing whatever anyone wants me to do, no questions asked.”

Perhaps he should try avoiding the topic of work until the second date, or perhaps find a new career altogether. Right now though, mentioning having the one Fed job that’s DOGE-proof might the be the common thread as to why nobody in their right mind would fuck him.

“Maybe I should start saying I’m unemployed or ‘working on myself’ so I come off as someone they can try to fix.”

Pervert Masturbating in Zine Library Inadvertently Develops Interest in Fourth Wave Feminism, Bike Repair

By Tim Graham

AMHERST, Mass. — Serial public masturbator Aaron Goddard received an unexpected education in progressive politics when he wandered into a zine library, according to the volunteer staff.

“I’m not welcome at most local libraries for obvious reasons,” said Goddard. “So when I found this other kind of library I was excited for a new venue in which to ply my trade. However, I was immediately put off by the lack of computers. I was about to leave when I spotted a copy of something called ‘Lezzie Smut,’ which seemed promising. It wasn’t titillating in the usual sense, but I did find the content to be intellectually stimulating. I wound up forgetting all about beating off as I read zines on many subjects like civil disobedience and the bicycle as an instrument of revolution. I learned a lot about consent, the male gaze and my own role in the patriarchy.”

Zine librarian Clara Smith was pleasantly surprised by Goddard’s visit.

“I pegged him right off the bat as a creep,” said Smith. “He was your typical perv. I nearly kicked him out when I saw him hovering around the sex-positive zines, but he actually sat down and read a few cover-to-cover. We had a nice discussion regarding intersectionality and representation. I gave him a list of ethical porn he could peruse on his own time, and he even agreed to attend our weekly mutual aid cohort. He walked in as a pervert but left as an ally.”

Similarly, an activist group called The Marxxxists was known to be leading an effort to surreptitiously integrate leftist ideas into mainstream porn.

“Our group produces what appear to be normal pornographic clips at first glance,” said founder Annie Maddox. “However, we’ll take a common trope and then segue to leftist philosophy. For example, in one film, a scantily clad woman answers the door for a pizza delivery man, only to deliver a scathing critique of gig-work and modern day wage slavery before the inevitable sex scene. Another features a stepmom getting stuck in a dryer, which soon becomes a polemic on the elimination of social classes and the abolishment of private property.”

At press time, Goddard was spotted handing out leftist pamphlets to other local sweaty sickos in an effort to spread his newfound political enlightenment.

Your Downstairs Neighbors Review Just Dance 2025

BY Jacob Albrecht

NEW YORK CITY — In a move fueled purely by lack of consideration for others and a desperate hope to get in shape in time for beach season, you’ve purchased–and vehemently refuse to stop playing–Just Dance 2025, your downstairs neighbors confirm.

Ramon, 32, who lives in the apartment just below yours, was quick to weigh in with his thoughts on the latest installment in Ubisoft’s popular rhythm franchise.

“I’ve gotta say, Just Dance 2025 left a lot to be desired.” Ramon admitted. “We were expecting a killer tracklist this year, but so far the only standout has been what I have to assume is a footwork-only version of ‘Chop Suey!’. Last night I thought I heard Ariana Grande’s ‘Yes, And?’ but around what should’ve been the end of the second verse, I realized they were just fucking.”

Ramon’s roommate and fellow downstairs neighbor of yours, Ash, shared Ramon’s disappointment in the new game, highlighting some odd new features in the new iteration.

“The strangest thing about the game to me is the time-lock,” said Ash. “Apparently, the game will absolutely not let you play during the daytime when people are awake. I haven’t played the game myself yet, but I can’t think of any other reason why our neighbors would exclusively play between the hours of 1:00 a.m. and 3:00 a.m.”

Ash and Ramon also reported that the game has already resulted in a number of injuries, it would seem.

“A couple of nights ago, during an especially spirited rendition of Miley Cyrus’s ‘Flowers’, we heard a deafening rip, followed by about sixteen minutes of uninterrupted sobbing,” said Ramon. “But just when we thought we ought to walk up and offer help, the song started over and they were right back to dancing.”

At press time, Ramon and Ash can’t quite figure out if they’re hearing “Paint the Town Red” or just a particularly heavy load in the wash.

Darth Vader Accidentally Texts Death Star Plans to Bothan Spy

BY Amity Gilmour 

CORUSCANT, GALACTIC CORE — Wide-spread turmoil rocked the galaxy today, as an anonymous Bothan spy revealed he had been accidentally added to the Empire’s comm channel discussing the Death Star II.

“Well, this certainly makes my job easier,” said Yarsk Kri-tel. “Me and the boys had been planning this big infiltration mission that would see most of us get killed. It’s honestly kind of shocking how incompetent these fascists actually are.”

The leak was not discovered for several hours, with the blame eventually pinned on the Emperor’s Fist, Darth Vader. Perhaps more shockingly, Vader had also uploaded the Death Star II plans to the comm channel, apparently because he ‘wanted them while working remotely from Mustufar’.

“They [the plans] weren’t even encrypted,” Yarsk continued. “Took me all of five minutes to download them with this crappy bar HoloNet connection, alongside every message they’d posted.”

Alongside the leaked Death Star plans were messages from Admiral Piett complaining that they had to go and bail out Colonel Dyer and the Endor shield generator garrison, as well as demands for Grand Admiral Thrawn to come off “do not disturb”. The blunder has prompted calls for mass resignations.

“Vader was never fit for this position,” claimed a retired Clone Trooper, who wished to remain anonymous. “I mean first off, you’ve got the anger management issues. Choking people who make the slightest mistake? This isn’t Tatooine. Don’t even get me started on his addiction to that ‘meditation chamber’ of his. His own wife didn’t even want him to get this job. Guess what happened to her?”

Galactic reporters attempted to question the Emperor during his visit to the Death Star II, but were mostly rebuffed.

“Rest assured that the Dark Council will be investigating this matter,” said the Emperor. “It is unacceptable that this breach occurred, and the Bothan scum who read the messages will be held solely responsible and punished for his actions.”

At press time, Grand Moff Tarkin claimed “No classified materials” were contained within the leaked plans.