thehardtimes

Hard Digest March 16: St. Patrick's Day Primer and More

Added 2025-03-16 21:00:08 +0000 UTC

Image of Shane MacGowan Appears in Pile of Guinness-Induced Vomit

LOWELL, Mass. — Local boozehound Dennis McLaughlin was divinely inspired to continue to drink to the point of incoherence after witnessing an image of former Pogues singer Shane MacGowan in his pile of puke after drinking Guinness for 7 straight hours, sad pasty sources report.

“I felt like I had nothing left to live for or spew up by 2 p.m., that’s how lost I was feeling. But when I looked down at the dark black, fizzing pile of my last barf session and saw Shane’s half-way open, inebriated eyes looking back at me, I was back to annoying people with drunkenly singing ‘Dirty Old Town’ in their faces again in no time,” McLaughlin said. “From that point on, I could tell Shane was by my side keeping me safe, and surprisingly out of the drunk tank, for the rest of the night, and beyond.”

Stacy O’Bright, bartender and owner of “O’Bright’s Bar and Grill,” was bartending the night McLaughlin saw the holy image.

“That guy was a menace. He would periodically keep looking down at the pile of viscous liquid and pickled sausage chunks he barfed up, smile and wink at it, then try starting fist fights with the drunk college kids who were here to do Dropkick Murphys karoake,” O’Bright stated. “This is an Irish bar and grill, you think I want some guy dressed as a leprechaun getting hammered, stumbling all over and causing a scene? I can’t have mine be the laughing stock of all the Irish bars in the area, I have no time for that sort of drunken riff-raff.”

Legendary Boston Irish punk Dennis Sweeny claims Irish punks all over the world have been witnessing Shane MacGowan’s image in the short time since his passing.

“It seems as if wherever there is a drunken Irish punk, Shane is there with them,” Sweeny explained. “As a matter of fact, you don’t necessarily even need to be Irish for him to appear. I have a friend who is originally from Jordan who claims to have seen his face in the toilet bowl during a night of dangerous levels of drinking. He mysteriously started singing ‘A Pair of Brown Eyes,’ after later saying he’d never heard the song before, and continued to drink everyone under the table. It was a St. Patrick’s Day miracle!”

At press time, Irish rocker Bono would inspire those who saw his image in their piles of puke to quit drinking and find rehabilitation immediately.

How I Finally Got the Courage To Build Myself up by Tearing Other People Down

By Doug Kolic

Experts say taking care of your mental health is one of the most important things you can do. That’s why this year I finally decided to put myself first and do whatever it takes to build my esteem up, which I’ve discovered is most quickly achieved by tearing others down.

Many self-help gurus say it’s vital to shift your mindset from what you “should” do to what you “must” do, which I interpreted as needing to tell my best friend Todd that his lifelong commitment to helping special needs kids is just a pathetic ploy for validation because he has a God complex. It’s amazing how quickly I felt better about myself after telling him that his life was a sham.

Secondly, I started to practice self-love. I achieved this by being proud of my values, which taught me to embrace my strength which I realized was being a dick to people around me in order to elevate my ego. Such as when I told my coworker Kathy that everyone knew she was crying in the breakroom last week, mainly because I secretly filmed it and showed them. That might seem like a lousy thing to do, but it makes sense after you realize I had to do something to deflect from the fact that I showed up a bit tipsy to work.

Another tool I employed was confronting my fears. I’ve always had bad anxiety, which has stopped me from being my authentic self. But now I just throw caution to the wind and venture into new situations with an open heart, knowing that I can turn fear into something positive. Like when I turned the trepidation of my wife leaving me after she discovered my secret family, into something good when I announced that I had cancer, something which guilted her into staying. The fact that it’s not true is inconsequential.

You might be taking this all in and thinking “My God, these are the hallmarks of an overly aggressive sociopath,” but hear me out — shut up nerd. Is it lonely up there on your pedestal?

In the end, every person needs to embark on their own spiritual journey to achieve contentment. Some may succeed with affirmations and therapy, but for those of us who don’t fall for horseshit like that, it’s much easier to achieve when you’re feeding your spirit flame to reach new heights of joy by extinguishing the spirits of anyone who doesn’t have the benefit of being you, like Todd, my idiot son.

Dropkick Murphys Bagpipe Player Googles “Puke Bagpipes Clean Help Boston”

By Chris Bratton

BOSTON — Dropkick Murphys bagpipe player Campbell Webster was seen frantically Googling “puke bagpipes clean help Boston,” confirmed sources who gave him a “good luck with that” look before carrying on their way.

“I swear, if I have to lose another set of pipes due to partially digested food and regurgitated stomach bile I’m going to lose my shit,” said Webster using Incognito Mode. “Ah, here we go. It says right here to carefully cut the bag part open between the tenor drones and chanter using an 18th century single-edged dagger purchased from a guy who sells wares in Termonfeckin, dump the vomit out at a 45-degree angle while reciting the works of James Joyce, and sew it back up using the hair follicle of an Irish hare. Whew, good thing I have all of these items at my disposal or else this really could’ve been a nightmare. I’m not even sure who’s puke this is, but if I had to venture a guess it’d be the mandolin player. He’s always hurling in our instruments. If it’s not his then it’s definitely mine.”

Bandmates seemed all too used to this sort of behavior.

“You should see this dude’s search history,” said Dropkick Murphys singer Ken Casey. “It’s all bagpipe-related, like ‘how to tune that one Irish instrument,’ ‘bagpipery for beginners,’ and ‘do bagpipes still work if you’ve inserted your penis in one of the pipe holes.’ I mean, this guy really wants to know the ins and outs of his instrument. True dedication to the craft. If only our drummer had the same enthusiasm. All of his Google searches are related to Guinness beer and the Boston Celtics. Sure, mine are too, but still.”

Experts were quick to note similar instances among bands.

“Musicians’ browser histories are often very comical,” said music critic Dana Bowsing. “Glenn Danzig’s history is just b-horror movie clips from the 1940s and dark web photos of Marilyn Monroe’s rotting corpse. Slipknot band members’ searches are exactly ‘If I wear a mask for too long does it start to fuse to my face.’ Not to mention, all of Gwar’s searches are just how to get fake blood stains out of various articles of clothing, living room furniture, and pet hair. Nothing but weird stuff.”

At press time, Webster began receiving targeted ads from bagpipe brands, Boston tourism, and puke bucket companies.