Hard Digest March 12: Early Access Neil Armstrong, Gene Hackman, Noise Fests, and More

New Conspiracy Theory Suggests Neil Armstrong Faked Orgasm During Moon Landing

By Matt Husser 

HOUSTON — Conspiracy theorist Giovanni Holland took to YouTube today to reveal a new theory alleging Neil Armstrong faked his infamous orgasm during the 1969 Apollo Moon Landing, sources confirmed.

“The story that the deep state has been feeding us for years claims that Neil Armstrong’s first orgasm on the moon wasn’t just one small nut for man, but one giant skeet for all mankind—But what if I told you that I have smoking gun evidence that proves that while the Eagle landed, Neil Armstrong’s meat rocket never actually achieved liftoff?” said Holland, teasing his new YouTube series The Moonshot Deception. “Listen to the calm timbre of Armstrong’s voice, does that sound like the orgasmic excitement of the first man to jizz on an alien world?”

NASA scientist Gunther Schwartz called the conspiracy theory “ludicrous” after personally witnessing Armstrong ejaculate vigorously during training.

“The idea that Neil Armstrong would endure seven years of astronaut training, travel 240,000 miles and get as close to God as any human being has ever been just to fake an orbit-altering orgasm is patently absurd,” said Schwartz, looking at a framed, autographed tissue. “In fact, I myself was present to witness Armstrong reach climax hundreds of times in the flight simulator. Just because he wasn’t howling like a dog in heat like Buzz Aldrin doesn’t mean that he didn’t have a perfectly dignified orgasm appropriate for the historic occasion.”

Fellow Apollo 11 astronaut Buzz Aldrin was reportedly furious that someone would question the veracity of his co-astronaut’s orgasm upon landing on the moon.

“If I ever meet this Holland character I’ll punch that son of a bitch in the mouth, cause I got a real problem with these peckerwoods claiming they know what happened up there when we all know damn well they couldn’t even get it up with 5Gs of gravitational force pressing down on their flaccid little chubs,” said Aldrin during a fiery rant. “Now did Michael Collins pop his champagne cork a little early? Sure, but what mortal man wouldn’t when gently caressing the supple curves of that goddess Luna at 9,300 feet per second?”

Holland’s next documentary, The Warren Cummission, alleges a new JFK conspiracy claiming there was no shooter on the Grassy Hole.

Opinion: I’m in a Good Place Today, I Bet I Can Handle Googling Gene Hackman Death + Details

By Dan Rice

Well, it’s been a long and particularly depressing winter, and it started to feel like it would never end, but wouldn’t you know it, spring has sprung. Between the lack of sunlight and the hellfire of world events lately, I got pretty down in the dumps, but now I’m back to getting my steps in, making healthier meal choices, hell I’ve even started meditating. Yes sir, for the first time in a long time, I am mentally in a good place. In fact, I’m so well-balanced, I bet I can google the details of Gene Hackman’s death without spiraling.

As a lifelong movie fan, I was of course saddened by the news that Gene Hackman had been found dead along with his wife and dog at their home last month. I tried to remind myself that he was 95 years old, lived an accomplished life, and that dying on your sleep of carbon monoxide poisoning, while tragic, is a relatively peaceful way to go. Then, when reports started coming in that the deaths were not as simple as that, I decided that for mental health reasons, I would not look into the story further. Well, you know what? I think I’m ready.

How bad could it be? It’s not like they were all beheaded or something; I definitely would have heard about that. I’m so stable that I’m back to checking the news every day. If I can handle witnessing the decline of America first-hand, I don’t think the details of one little celebrity’s demise, however macabre they may be, are going to rock my applecart. What’s the worst that could happen?

Okay, worst-case scenario, I suppose if the story is particularly gut-wrenching, and given the fact that Hackman was an actor whose work I have something of an emotional attachment to, maybe, and it’s a long shot mind you but maybe, looking into it would open some sort of depressive floodgate inside of me and, coupled with the worrisome state of the world today, cause me to spiral into oblivion, but that seems highly unlikely. Besides, what’s life without a little risk?! Okay, here I go!

Oh wow, she was like 30 years younger than him, huh? Yeah, okay, that’s a bummer, still had a lot of life left to live I suppose. Well, what are you gonna do?

Oh, Hackman had dementia pretty bad huh? Guess she was basically his caregiver. Well, I’m not gonna lie, that’s depressing, but hey, such is life. Wait, how did she die?

A mouse bite?! She died of hantavirus contracted by a mouse bite?! Fuck, that can happen! God, life is so random and cruel. Wait, if she died from a mouse bite how did he…

THREE DAYS! He just wandered around the house confused for three days until his heart stopped?! Just aimlessly puttering around, maybe thinking he’s Lex Luthor or Poppey Doyle or the guy from “Nightmoves” and discovering his dead wife’s body over and over?! That’s hell! That is literally a state of hell! Well, what about the dog?

You know what? I’m done. If anyone needs me, I’ll be in my bedroom with the blinds closed, re-downloading a bunch of fast food delivery apps.

Noise Festival Sponsored by Harbor Freight Tools and Excedrin

By Chris Bowen 

GAINESVILLE, Fla. — Local noise festival Thwack Fest announced it would be partnering with their sponsors Harbor Freight and Excedrin to give festivalgoers a weekend they wish they could forget, confirmed sources who could use a pain reliever now that you mention it.

“We couldn’t get Home Depot or Advil on such short notice, which was our first choice, but overall we are happy in the end,” said festival organizer Chase Bradshaw with his fingers in his ears to muffle the sounds of a performer using a buzzsaw over high-pitched electronic feedback. “Tylenol initially approached us about being a sponsor, but I’m sorry, we as the preeminent noise festival just will not stand for an inferior product that’s a placebo at best. Anyway, Excedrin was generous enough to provide us with free samples, which pairs well with the $11 bottles of Aquafina we will sell. Plus, there will be a booth where you can try out Harbor Freight tools to see if they will work as instruments in your noise band. And hey, if you do any construction work and have chronic back pain, even better. Most noise fans typically do.”

Fans in attendance couldn’t help but notice the sponsors.

“The enormous Monster Energy-like banners for Excedrin behind every band on stage and their mascot that was an anthropomorphic pill with the letter ‘E’ on it were a little excessive, but once you tuned it out it was a pretty sick show,” said festival attendee Clay Holmstead. “Either way, the live demonstrations of safe jackhammer and circular saw usage in between sets really added to the ambiance. Plus, I saved 20% on a cordless hedge trimmer. Sure, I don’t have a yard, but it’s really going to do wonders on the noise demo I’m working on.”

Experts were quick to note similar instances for outdoor concert series.

“Festivals are always looking for brands that target a specific fanbase to sponsor their events,” said music historian Sam Eldridge. “Shoegaze festivals are usually subsidized by Dyson, Eureka, and Hoover vacuum cleaner brands for their whirring sounds. Goth fests are typically sponsored by local funeral homes, headstone manufacturers, and exotic crow breeders. And nu metal events get funded by Coors Light, chain wallet brands, and bail bond agencies. See? Music festivals are a perfect way to advertise your product.”

At press time, noise fans at the festival once again mistook the sounds of a belt sander and leaf blower at the Harbor Freight booth for their favorite band.

Dr. Evil Buys Austin Powers Film Rights

BY Matt Fresh ON March 12, 2025

HOLLYWOOD — In a shocking development, CEO of Virtucon Dr. Evil has acquired the film rights to Austin Powers with full creative control.

“I can assure you that this series is in good hands. After all, you don’t pay ONE BILLION DOLLARS,” Dr. Evil began explaining to press before taking a long pause whilst holding his pinky to his lips. “For a franchise without the intention of exploiting it for even more money. Some people may be concerned that I won’t have the best interests of the franchise in mind because I’m ‘evil’ and Austin Powers is my ‘arch nemesis’. But I assure you that I will treat it with care and respect. We are currently in the middle of planning about 2 dozen spin-off films and series for the first phase of our expanded universe. We are calling this phase Preparation-H and it will kickstart a new era of franchise milking.”

Dr. Evil’s son and apparent heir Scott gave his thoughts on his father spending so much for the franchise.

“I really wish he had consulted me before he spent a billion dollars on this. This is the kind of decision that you—” Scott said before his father abruptly cut him off telling him to zip it.

Dr. Evil’s second-in-command Number 2 outlined some of the plans they have for the franchise.

“We have some wonderful things planned that fans will love. And if they don’t love it then too bad. It’s our franchise now and we’ll do what we please. There will be a Basil Exposition prequel series detailing his journey through bureaucratic middle management. Felicity Shagwell will be getting her own movie. As will Mustafa, our frequently injured henchmen. We will also be making a Mr. Bigglesworth mini-series. We may eventually get to a new Austin Powers movie. We’ll see.”

Hollywood Analyst William Dick explained that Dr. Evil’s plans for the franchise will dilute it to the point where the public loses interest.

“The Austin Powers series is special not just because it’s based on a world famous spy but because we aren’t bombarded with entries. An Austin Powers film is an event and Dr. Evil planning countless pointless spinoffs just turns it into a slop factory. But that’s probably what he wants the evil stiff bald…” Dick said before trailing off.

At press time, in response to questions about maintaining series quality Dr. Evil’s wife Frau Farbissina shouted at reporters to “LOWER THEIR STANDARDS”.