Hard Digest March 11: Early Access Thrash Metal, HomeGoods, and Birth Rates

Thrash Metal Fan Listens to Doom Metal Records at 78 RPM

By Ryan Dondero 

OAKLAND, Calif. — Local thrash metal fan Zack Holloway reportedly plays doom metal records at 78 RPM in a desperate attempt to make them sound like his music genre of choice, sources confirmed.

“I can only assume this is how doom metal is supposed to be played,” said Holloway. “Sure, the vocalists sound like Alvin and the Chipmunks at this speed, but what do you do when you’ve burned through every thrash metal recording ever made—multiple times? You make thrash where you least expect it! When I initially put two and two together I rushed to Dino’s and bought every classic doom record they had. I got home, threw on ‘Epicus Doomicus Metallicus’ at the highest RPM possible, and it was like I’d uncovered a lost Artillery record…sort of. When I run out of doom metal records, I’ll be moving onto the entire shoegaze catalog.”

Brendan O’Neill, a local doom metal enthusiast and Holloway’s former roommate-turned-sworn enemy, is horrified by the experiment.

“Zach’s need for speed will be to his detriment,” O’Neill sneered. “It’s honestly offensive that he’s headbanging to ‘Born Too Late’ like it’s ‘Bonded by Blood.’ Those Christian freaks would call it sacrilegious, but I call it fucking pathetic. It doesn’t even sound like thrash! He’s just a close-minded prick. He cannot play musical God like this. I fucking hate that dude. I hope one of these doom records flies off his turntable and decapitates him. I know that sounds harsh, but thrash fans should really be guillotined for their crimes against humanity.”

Music journalist Christine Salazar isn’t surprised by Holloway’s experiment.

“People have been messing with music speed and structure for ages,” said Salazar. “The Velvet Underground and Frank Zappa were doing it in the ‘70s, DJ Screw in the ‘90s, and then you have nightcore and major labels releasing sped-up remixes. Some people prefer fast music and others like it slow as shit. And if you don’t like a particular genre, just alter it until you do. Bands love it when you change their sound to suit your personal preferences.”

At press time, Holloway took his obsession further, experimenting with playing grindcore records on a turntable with a 16 RPM setting.

Opinion: I Should Get HomeGoods Rewards Points for the Stuff I Shoplift From There as Well

By James Knapp 

Corporate credit rewards policy in this country has gone straight to hell. And HomeGoods is the most corporate credit hell of them all. Frankly I don’t even know why I got this rewards card in the first place if those greedy capitalists won’t honor all the points I earned on stuff I managed to sneak past the security sensors.

I’m not gonna lie. A not insignificant amount of my income is dependent on the rewards points I get from various, chain, economy bullshit stores, like the Gap or Fuddruckers. But HomeGoods, man, those guys will just not give me my due no matter how much shit I steal from them.

It’s not even like it’s a matter of if I’m self-reporting my thieving accurately. All those cashiers see this very big coat I’m wearing and know exactly how many Belgian waffle makers are missing from the inventory. Give me my points you cheap bastards!

I even had a system all worked out. For every dollar worth of stuff that I steal that means one trillionth of a dollar I get back in store credit for food processors that break easily. Then I trade those trillionths back to the store in a loophole that I haven’t found yet in the store’s rewards policy — that’s the part I’m still working on.

Though I admit it hasn’t quite worked out the way I planned so far, once it finally does I’ll actually be able to pay back my bookie enough to keep what’s left of one of my knees.

Honestly, I stole from HomeGoods every single day last year and still somehow ended up eighty grand in the hole. But that’s just an example of why this store’s extremely corporate-sided policy needs to change.

So for now, I guess I’ll just keep making free with bargain-priced condiments and discontinued, carcinogenic Bluetooth speakers the old-fashioned way until those capitalist jerks acknowledge my right to free stuff earned with rewards points instead.

Study Shows Birthrate Decline Linked to Prevalence of Other People’s Children at Breweries

By Amber Hendrix

RICHMOND, Va. — A recent study from the University of Richmond revealed a startling link between the declining U.S. birth rate and the increase in other people’s children at breweries.

“There’s little doubt that Americans are increasingly delaying or forgoing parenthood,” explained lead researcher and craft beer enthusiast Susan Morgan. “But the question is always, ‘why?’ We developed a standardized questionnaire that could be administered at local establishments. And let’s just say Richmond proved to be very fertile ground for our research. We found that the majority of both undecided adults and those planning to start families were personally against procreation after spending the equivalent of just 20 minutes at a local brewery, cidery, or distillery. Something about the sound of crying babies when you’re trying to get day drunk while sitting around a barrel playing Uno with friends turns people off to parenthood.”

There was a notable gender split, where 86% of women surveyed decided against parenthood solely due to brewery experiences, while only half of men did.

“Fathers are probably more likely to view taking a child to a brewery as a bonding experience, albeit an indirect one,” speculated study co-author Gwen Ware. “Women often consider the practical aspects of child-rearing, like gestation, ensuring a child survives into adulthood, or the ability to take your toddler in public without it screaming directly into the ears of strangers, whereas previous research suggests men are more likely to compartmentalize. In other words, integrating a child into things they already like to do probably sounds ‘really cool’ to a dad, as long as they don’t really have to do any of the heavy lifting.”

Brewery employee James Parker seemed to confirm the findings.

“Honestly, the kids sometimes suck, but the adults who are supposed to watch them are worse,” said Parker while mopping a spill made by a patron of unspecified age. “Either way, after one week of working here, I got a vasectomy and deleted my Hinge account. There’s just no way I want to accidentally father one of these things. On top of that, don’t get me started on the beloved ‘small business owner’ who pays us shit and actively union busts.”

At press time, Dr. Morgan conducted a follow-up study revealing a link between dogs at breweries and people suddenly having an urge to adopt a Golden Retriever.