Hard Digest March 7: SpaceX, Early Access Growing Up, Mistakes, Mel Gibson, and More

SpaceX Announces Plans to Stop Putting Teachers On Their Spaceships

By Maksym LaRouche 

BROWNSVILLE, Texas — SpaceX announced they will no longer be allowing school teachers on their spaceships following the second explosion of a Starship mega rocket last night, sources confirmed.

“We’ve looked at everything you can look at: debris, schematics, calculations, but there seems to only be one common factor amongst all the crashes, and that is they’ve all had high school teachers on board at the time of the crash,” said Douglas McIntyre, lead engineer for SpaceX. “At this point, you can’t be calling it a coincidence anymore. Just look at the Columbia Shuttle disaster in 2003. They found that there were several stowaway teachers on board that NASA had not noticed before launch. The most frustrating part of being an engineer can be finding ways to stop educators from getting on board ships.”

The Teacher’s Union, however, was not pleased with the plan to discontinue the use of teachers in space.

“Elon Musk is putting many fine educators out of work by not putting teachers on these exploding spaceships. This is part of a coordinated attack from the Right to marginalize educators in our society,” said union representative Terry Framingham. “They are going to use teachers as a scapegoat and claim it’s their fault these rockets keep exploding. But the blame should fall on Musk and his cronies for their inability to design a rocket that actually works.”

Esteemed Harvard physicist Thomas Wong vocally opposed the decision to remove teachers from future launches.

“Historically, teachers have been used for a wide variety of useful tasks such as being flung at walls during castle sieges and being used to educate young people, but thanks to the Trump administration’s gutting of the Department of Education many teachers are left without work,” said Dr. Wong.“They’ve been looking at this problem all wrong: It’s not the school teachers, it’s a deficiency in school teachers. By adding more school teachers to these flights, they may find greater success in the future. There is an emerging new theory in physics that suggests the optimal way to launch a rocket out of Earth’s atmosphere would be to start with many public school teachers on board, and hurdle increasing numbers of them off as the ship leaves the atmosphere.”

At press time, Musk stated that all highly intelligent chimps will also be taken off future flights and will be required to use Ketamine with him while playing video games.

42-Year-Old Punk Not Sure What to Be When He Grows Up

By Trevor Graham 

SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Local 42-year-old punk Chet Roberts, who has spent the last 27 years living day-to-day in suspended teenage animation, isn’t sure what he wants to be when he grows up, confirmed sources who all they know is that they don’t know nothing.

“Man, as crazy as it sounds I feel like I’m starting to get to that age where I need to start thinking about my future and what I want to do with my life,” said Roberts from behind the counter of the coffee shop where he has worked since the second George W. Bush administration. “I guess at some point your carefree adolescent teen years need to come to an end and now that I am in my early 40s I guess that time has started to come for me. Now I need to start thinking about what kind of job I want to have and maybe even start thinking about settling down and starting a family.”

Some Roberts’ friends and bandmates say that while they get the sentiment of starting to think about the future that he is getting a little too ahead of himself.

“It’s some real normie shit to start thinking about what you want to do with your life at this age. We just graduated high school 24 years ago and also our band is going to get signed and become huge any day now,” said Jeff Perkins. “Next thing you know we’ll be walking around with health insurance and bank accounts and paying our taxes and living in houses with working heat and running water. What kind of bullshit is this?”

Therapist Suan Paragon says she sees this type of confusion and uncertainty with aging scenesters who have spent decades living a lifestyle that caters to idealistic youthful values.

“We see this problem a lot with people who have been involved in punk and hardcore music scenes. Those involved in these scenes obsess over music written primarily by teenagers over 30 years ago and it seems to trap the fans of this music in a perpetual cycle of believing they are young and that becoming an adult is something that will never happen to them,” said Paragon. “Even more dangerous is the message in this music that says all of life’s problems can be solved by believing in yourself, standing by your friends’ sides, and never being a part of ‘the system.’ It all sounds great when you’re young but when you need to pay for a prostate exam or physical therapy for arthritis in your knees that fantasy falls apart pretty quickly.”

At press time, Roberts was said to be looking at brochures for colleges that he may apply to and that he was excited at the idea of living in a dorm room like a real young adult.

The Art of Forgiving Yourself for Your Mistakes While Holding Other People’s Against Them Forever

By Frederick O'Brien 

Iused to be consumed by anger and shame whenever I made mistakes, all the while giving others the benefit of the doubt. What a schmuck! In recent years I’ve managed to turn my life around, with massively improved well-being, inner peace, and hunger for retribution of those who cross me. Here’s how you can reach that state of nirvana, too.

First off, it’s essential that you internalize the idea that even your ‘mistakes’ are actually the fault of other people. Whenever you find yourself flirting with personal responsibility, remember, they drove you to that mental breakdown at your niece’s birthday party. They made you set the local library on fire. Insofar as you’ve made any mistakes at all, which you haven’t, you were set up to fail. That time you got drunk and trashed your friend’s apartment? That all started with a beer. And who gave you that beer? Jerry. That prick. He should know better.

Remember, you’re doing your best. Whether you actually are doing your best is immaterial. As long as you’re telling yourself, and others, that in a teary, knee-jerk justification of your behaviour, you’re golden. It’s not easy being you. Just getting through the day makes you a kind of hero, like an ambulance driver or firefighter. Who could begrudge someone so selfless the occasional outburst? You’re doing your best.

Other people, however, clearly aren’t doing their best. A vital part of your new outlook is understanding that everyone else is out to get you. The things they do may seem innocuous, even well intentioned, but they’re not. Just last week my neighbor gave me a homemade cake. Sounds nice enough right? Except I’m on a diet. Now I weigh one cake heavier. What a bitch. Cling tightly to the idea that everyone you meet is trying to sabotage you. The fact you’re a washed up nobody sleeping on a couch is exactly because you didn’t keep your guard up. And it’s got nothing to do with cheating on your girlfriend. Again. Or getting horribly drunk at work. Again.

Your well-being is always, always the priority. Show yourself love. Put time aside each day to meditate on other people’s flaws. Fixating on the imperfections of others helps to strengthen your inner sense of purity and being put upon. Besides, how can you be expected not to get out of your mind on ketamin and ruin your cousin’s wedding when you’re surrounded by such fucking idiots?

Nurturing this worldview is a steady, tender task, like looking after a bonsai, but it’s worth it. Good luck, and stay the hell away from me.

Mel Gibson Announces Feature-Length Sequel to 2006 DUI Arrest Video

By S.L. Neechski 

LOS ANGELES — Director and grizzled high school shop teacher look-alike Mel Gibson announced this week that his next project, “The Truth,” will be a feature-length documentary and sequel to the police footage of his 2006 DUI arrest, sources confirmed.

“Daddy’s been released from woke jail, and he’s brought his camera and director’s chair with him,” said Gibson, grinning like he’d just heard a racial slur. “I apologized for my comments about Jews being responsible for every war in history, and I almost meant every word of it. Anyway, the feature will explore the origin of cancel culture, which clearly started on July 28, 2006 when I got arrested for my first of seven or eight DUIs. Not to mention I will be personally calling out a number of other ethnoreligious groups immediately after consuming 15 straight beers. This is going to be a must-see film.”

Fans of Gibson’s work are excited about the prospect of a sequel to the infamous video.

“I’m fucking pumped about it. The one thing lacking in the ‘Lethal Weapon’ franchise is the Martin Riggs character going off on rabbis,” said longtime fan James Tucker. “The original clip was way too short and ended abruptly. My boy Mel could go any number of ways in the sequel. The possibilities are endless. For instance, will there be a love interest, like Helen Hunt? Will he discuss the actual death toll of the Holocaust alongside his sidekick, Danny Glover? Or could he expose all the child-killing and blood-drinking at the Thunderdome? Do your research—all the evidence is on X and The Right Stuff.”

Film industry analyst Jackie Addison discussed the excellent timing of Gibson’s announcement.

“The American public cannot get enough sequels and reboots, so anyone who’s anyone is trying to make one,” explained Addison, sighing heavily. “Hollywood is just a buffet of milquetoast sequel slop, and all social media platforms are teeming with virulent racism and anti-semitism. Yet, they’re both part of the cultural zeitgeist right now because Americans are uniquely talented at acting against their own best interests, especially American men. It was only a matter of time before we found a new way to torture ourselves by combining the two. It’s only fitting that Gibson is doing it, considering his most popular movie is Christian torture porn.”

At press time, Gibson also announced that he’s partnering with Nick Fuentes and his production company, Triple Bracket Studios, to release the film.

Beautiful Woman Doesn’t Understand Why She Can’t Find Unemployed Gamer

BY R. Anthony Mahan 

CRESTVIEW, Fla. — Sources have confirmed that Kacey Flach, a 25-year-old cosplay enthusiast, has expressed frustration at her failure to attract an unemployed man obsessed with video games and anime.

“I just don’t get it,” complained Flach, putting on the pink pigtail wig and fishnet stockings she wears casually. “All of my friends are in relationships, but no matter how much I try I just can’t find anyone who meets my standards. All I want is to find a single guy with no job or prospects who’s completely obsessed with video games. Is that really so hard to find?”

Although Flach’s career as a professional fashion model has earned her enough money to cater to every possible need of anybody who lives with her, she has yet to find a romantic partner willing to completely take advantage of her hospitality.

“Living alone isn’t so bad,” she explained. “It gives me plenty of time for all my hobbies, like cooking, cleaning, and having things I already know explained to me. But after a long day at work, it’d be really nice to come home to someone who expects me to be his new mom and therapist who also has sex with him while offering nothing in return, you know?”

Flach’s desire to find a man who spends most of his free time complaining about unreleased video games on Reddit has become a point of concern for those close to her.

“Poor Kacey,” said Tiffany Calvin, her best friend since college. “She’s a sweet person and deserves to find someone, but she really needs to lower her standards. Every time a guy approaches her, she thinks he’s too boring,” referring to men who are functional human beings. “It seems to happen every week at this point. We’re out getting a drink, a cute guy walks up to her, and he starts asking her about herself instead of explaining the plot of Fallout: New Vegas unprompted and she completely loses interest. I can’t understand why she wants to date a guy like that so badly, but the heart wants what it wants, I guess.”

Although thousands of men meeting Flach’s standards exist near her area, so far none have expressed any interest in her.

“Ew, gross,” said Matthew Thorgen, a local self-described pop culture critic, idly looking at Flach’s Tinder profile in-between deaths in League of Legends. “Look at her nose. And … is that a tattoo? Yeah, you can tell she’s just pretending to be into nerd stuff for attention. There’s no way a girl out there could ever actually get me.”

At press time, Flach was disappointingly looking at her social media feed, where so far not a single stranger has compared her to Ramona Flowers.