Hard Digest March 3: Early Access Black Flag Vocalists, Mad Max, Trad Wives, and More

Man’s Party Trick Successfully Listing All Black Flag Vocalists in Order

By Mimi Kenny

BOSTON — Local scene veteran Randy Ragnar amazed attendees at a house party with his seamless recitation of all five lead vocalists of Black Flag, several sources with the same parole officer reported.

“We were celebrating finding out that whatever my buddy Horst had wasn’t scabies,” Ragnar said. “Just when it seemed like things were winding down, I got everyone’s attention and just said ‘Keith Morris, Ron Reyes, Dez Cadena, Henry Rollins, Mike Vallely, Ron Reyes, Mike Vallely.’ As usual, people were mouthing ‘motherfucker’ not only from the fact that I knew the name of ‘the other one’ but also that I remembered the ‘My War’ shows he did with them in ‘03. I swear, even Cronus, in his Wild Turkey-and-Hawaiian Punch-induced blackout seemed to process it long enough to applaud before puking into the freezer.”

Kurt Lawton, a long-time friend of Ragnar’s, admitted to feelings of envy regarding his incredible ability.

“I love Randy, but I know to not even bother with my standby of putting out a cigarette on that one part of my gums that had gone completely numb due to nerve damage,” Lawton said while fact-checking him online. “I could cut off my tongue and swallow it whole and it wouldn’t be half as impressive as what he pulls off. He’s like a modern day Nostradamus. And don’t think you can trip him up by asking him about ‘Flag,’ either. Just take it from me.”

Black Flag founder and only consistent member Greg Ginn was also in awe of Ragnar’s skill.

“I know that people expect that I, the guy who started Black Flag, would be able to at least know the first names of every guy who’s handled vocals for us,” Ginn said. “Let’s see, we had Keith, Henry, and that guy…Rick, is that it? There’s a couple others, aren’t there? Honestly, when the new guy joined, I tried my best to remember but eventually, I just called him ‘Champ’ and ultimately kinda stuck with that. I can’t, however, name a single one of our drummers. Probably doesn’t matter anyway.”

At press time, Ragnar had further stunned guests when he revealed he had listened to Black Flag’s 2013 album “What The…” “at least five or six times.”

Here’s the Best Sports Gear You’ll Need To Prepare for the Mad Max Apocalypse Six Months From Now

By Nathan Kamal 

Let’s face it: when it comes to athletic competition, you’ll take every advantage you can get. The race doesn’t always have to go to the quickest of feet or the golf round to the whitest of WASP; the right sports gear makes all the difference in the world.

The sports equipment and apparel industry is currently experiencing a boom like never before, which is great because pretty soon their products will be all that you have to survive in the brutal, “Mad Max” apocalypse that’s coming in six months. While guzzaline and aqua cola may be scarce and death lurks around every corner, the real key to survival will be your athletic equipment.

That’s why we’ve broken down the best pieces of sports gear to survive six months from now, when your comfortable office job seems like a dream as you eat dog food from a can and cower from the hordes of the great warlord Vivisectus!

Football Shoulder Pads: As we all know, surviving in the devastation of human civilization that will occur right around your next birthday is a contact sport. You’re going to need some high-quality shock absorption for your upper body, which is why now is the time to invest in a good set of NFL-endorsed shoulder pads to protect you in the Thunderdome. Bonus: they look great festooned with spikes and human bones!

Soccer Shin Guards: These may not be the most glamorous piece of sports equipment out there, but in less than half a year when the country has been burnt to a cinder by fire and drowned in water, you’ll be glad your shins are protected! Guard your soft, moist, delicious flesh and shin bones, lest you be slowed by injury and fall behind the rest of Holy Vivisectus’s horde.

You know what happens to easy prey in the wake of the horde. Or at least you will by late summer, at most.

Lacrosse Transparent Full Body Armor: Some people call lacrosse a “niche sport” or “for asshole preppies,” but one thing is certain: the transparent, vacuum-molded full body that is standard issue for midfield and defense will be very handy in the atomic wasteland you’ll be living in before your latest job is even worth putting on your resume. Not only does it protect you from opposing lacrosse attackmen, but it hides the horror of your irradiated flesh from the world!

Steel Hockey Mask: We won’t even get into why this will help in the Future Times, because we’re sure you already have one hanging in your closet for sex reasons.

Eye Black: When you’re out in the Blasted Lands, just cruising for any wanderers you can cannibalize, you’re going to want to protect your eyes. Look like the cool guys in the former NFL from when times were better and green vegetation still existed by coating your undereye area in light-deflecting eye black, though nothing will protect you the memories of all you’ve done to survive in the last few months.

Razor Boomerang: While most people think of a razor-sharp chrome boomerang as a toy for kids, it actually can have multiple uses in the waking nightmare that you will live in far sooner than you could possibly imagine! You can dig with it! Cut sandwiches! Throw it into the heads of rival marauders from a great distance!

When you’ve got a boomerang and all rules of humanity are out the window, the world’s your oyster. Which also won’t exist anymore in six months, by the way.

Tradwife Had No Idea There’d Be This Much Anal Involved

By Rob Ryder 

RICHMOND — Devoted tradwife Becky Johanson was reportedly shocked with the amount of anal involved with the lifestyle, reported wide-eyed neighbors and friends.

“I was looking to connect with my husband, Trevor, on a deeper level, personally and spiritually. Honestly, I thought a tradwife just meant adhering to traditional gender roles in marriage, like doing laundry and washing dishes. I had no idea it also meant getting railed night after night from behind,” said Johanson while holding several unusually large homegrown eggplants. “After meeting with other tradwives in the area and getting to know their husbands very deeply, it was clear this was rampant in the community. It’s been three months and he thinks it’s really pulling us closer together, but I just wish I could have a couple weeks to let my anus recover from the constant cornholing.”

Johanson’s husband Trevor seemed unsure about the lifestyle, but appeared to have adjusted to the level of control he’s expected to levy on his wife.

“I didn’t really know what the fuck a tradewife was, and honestly I still don’t care what all the details are,” said Mr. Johanson while browsing the wives in the neighborhood directory. “Becky was going on and on about some shit she read online and suddenly I heard the phrase ‘she shall submit’ in the description and just thought, ‘hey, whatever my wife wants, she’s gonna fucking get it.’ I bust my ass down at the Home Depot and the least she can do is cook the meals, clean the house, raise the kids, and yes, three and half hours of butt stuff on a nightly basis. This is traditionally how couples did things according to the Bible, when men were men and women were women. At least that’s how I think they did it. I’ve never read that thing.”

Gregory Adams of the Family Foundation says the tradwife movement truly captures the essence of the Christian American family structure.

“This is about making communities stronger. It’s not just about the bond between a husband and his wife. It’s about strengthening the bond between a husband, his wife, her friends, her sisters, maybe the babysitter if everyone else is out of town,” said Adams while blacking out all the “F” curse words in his copy of ‘“The Handmaid’s Tale.” “It’s also important for men to connect with their friends on a higher level; too many men end up without a place to share feelings, but in the tradwife movement, they’ll have plenty to talk about with their buddies.

At press time, Mrs. Johanson also revealed that she had no idea that she’d have to post so much content about being a tradwife on Instagram and TikTok constantly as part of the stipulations.

Fans Outraged New Shrek Design Looks Nothing Like Sonic

BY RJ Dralle 

GLENDALE, Calif. — DreamWorks Animation Studio released the first teaser trailer for Shrek 5 which debuted a new look for Shrek that had many fans asking the question, “Why the fuck does Shrek not look like Sonic?”

“It was a creative decision that our animators made, and we stand by that choice,” said DreamWorks Animation President Margie Cohn. “We knew some would not like the decision, but we felt very strongly that our favorite ogre should not look like a hedgehog. Plus, it would stick out like a sore thumb. This franchise has always had a strange, somewhat uncanny aesthetic, and a slick, stylish design like Sonic’s simply wouldn’t fit in.” 

One fan, Harriet Campbell, felt compelled to voice her displeasure by protesting outside DreamWorks Headquarters in downtown Glendale. 

“This design is even ugly for an ogre! I mean, my God,” said Campbell. “Green? Really? The least you could have done is make him blue like Sonic. Plus, the eyes are the wrong distance apart. Everyone but the producers know there’s an issue. We even have Jim Carrey’s support. He posted a video of himself using his ass as a puppet, saying, ‘This stinks more than I do.’”

An online petition to change the animated ogre’s design soon spread over social media. 

“Shrek was just the tip of the iceberg for us Sonic fans,” said Todd Crain, creator of the petition. “We want every animation to look like Sonic. Spongebob, Toy Story, Lion King, Ponyo. Some call these iconic animations, but we call them disappointments. I’m just saying, Paddington 2 would still have a 100% on Rotten Tomatoes if they had properly designed that little bear to look like a cool, blue hedgehog.”

At press time, DreamWorks Animation President Margie Cohn gave in to fan pressure, announcing that Shrek’s will be changed to look more like Sonic and that Ben Schwartz will be replacing Mike Myers in the title role.