Hard Digest March 1: Early Access Anthony Green, Alice In Chains, and Oscar Coverage

Anthony Green Assures Bandmates He “Can Quit Anytime He Wants” After Getting Caught Forming Three More Supergroups

By Scott Murray

PHILADELPHIA — Singer Anthony Green, best known as the lead vocalist of Saosin, Circa Survive, The Sound of Animals Fighting, L.S. Dunes, and too many others, was reportedly caught forming three additional supergroups behind bandmates’ backs, despite telling them he can stop if needed, confirmed concerned sources.

“I don’t have a problem forming new bands, I can quit anytime I want,” said Green, half-sheepishly, while running his hand through his hair. “I’ve never been someone who can satisfy themself roughing out one, or two, demos alone in my basement. When I told the guys I wanted to see other dudes on the side, they seemed totally fine having a musical poly singer. Besides, I used to be way worse. In 2012, I binge-formed eight groups within a three month span. That was my rock bottom.”

Saosin guitarist Beau Burchell wasn’t too pleased when he discovered Green’s musical infidelity.

“There are only so many chances you can give the lead singer of your band,” said Burchell. “Just last week I flew out to see a guy I met on tour. We spent the whole weekend together in his studio making magic—But I’d never let that get back to the other guys! Anthony on the other hand is always on his phone texting other dudes right in front of us. It’s super rude. The other day I overheard him asking some guy how many layers he had on a vocal track, begging him to take some off. The guy clearly has a problem and probably needs an intervention at this point.”

Famed “Rock Doc” Zane Williams was all too familiar with interpersonal relationships within bands.

“When you’re successful, there’s always someone willing to enable you,” said Williams. “Too many times I’ve seen singers on the wrong side of 40 performing exclusively with artists half their age. It’s a slippery slope. This is why Mike Patton spent years in rehab to ween off of forming new bands. If you can’t curb this disease, it’ll be your downfall. Just look at Eric Clapton!”

At press time, bandmates were once again disappointed after they went through Green’s phone and discovered dozens of Instagram messages with him forming side projects with his followers.

5 Reasons Why I Think Alice in Chains Weren’t Singing About an Actual Rooster

By Steve Packosky 

Alice in Chains has consistently been one of my favorite bands ever since I was growing up in the 90s. The metal-infused riffage of Jerry Cantrell mixed with the beautifully sonorous and haunting vocals of Layne Staley made them the stalwart in the Seattle grunge scene we’ve all come to know and love, and I often find myself revisiting their catalog with what feels like the perfect combination of nostalgia and genuine musical appreciation.

I’ve also prided myself on being somewhat of a literary enthusiast, and I enjoy applying the analytical skills I’ve honed through years of reading to song lyrics. As such, in revisiting one of Alice in Chains’ biggest hits “Rooster,” I’m beginning to think it’s not actually about the daily life of an average rooster, as we’ve all come to understand it.

Crazy, right? I thought so, too, but let me provide 5 arguments to back up my claim:

1. Roosters do not have sweat glands

According to Google AI, which I recognize as a consistently reliable and accurate source: “roosters do not sweat. Instead, they regulate their body temperature by panting and losing heat through their unfeathered skin.” Why then, is the opening line of the song “ain’t found a way to kill me yet, eyes burn with stingin’ sweat”? Granted, Google AI did not yet exist when these lyrics were written, but I can’t imagine one of my favorite bands could not be bothered with a trip to the library to ensure their song about a rooster’s daily farm life was accurate. Let’s play devil’s advocate and say that was the case, though. How, then, would we explain #2?

2. Roosters are incapable of carrying a machine gun

I didn’t even need to use Google AI for this one. Never in the history of the human race have we encountered documented evidence of a rooster holding a machine gun. This flies directly in the face of the lyric “walking tall, machine gun man.” Unless this song is written from the point of view of some opposable thumb-possessing, anthropomorphic rooster, which is absolutely ridiculous, I’m left thinking there must be some other meaning here.

3. Roosters are not permitted in the Army

That’s not to say that animals have never served in our nation’s armed forces. Carrier pigeons and horses have proved themselves invaluable in past conflicts, to say nothing of the famed Seargent Stubby, a Boston Terrier who served on the frontlines of World War I by warning of impending mustard gas attacks and comforting wounded soldiers. However, top military experts have yet to think of a non-ingestive purpose a rooster can have in defending the country. Hence, the “Army green” line of this tune is nonsensical if taken literally.

4. The lyrics contain no mention of crowing at dawn, protecting the flock, or fertilizing eggs

These activities are paramount in the daily life of a rooster, so any song with themes central to the species would have to make at least some allusion to them. Yet, as I sit here scouring these lyrics, I see nary a reference to any of them. Could it be that the band just temporarily forgot how a rooster spends its days as they were writing them? Possibly, but I’m hard-pressed to believe a temporary case of writer’s block could make it all the way to the studio. While this point is pretty damning, the last may be the final nail in the coffin for the “actual rooster” explanation.

5. The music video does not contain a single rooster

While I can see counterarguments made for any of the previous reasons, this last is simply too glaring to ignore. I analyzed every frame of the music video, and while there were numerous shots of a farm, and even some horses and cows, there was no rooster. I simply cannot fathom why the band would do this, unless there is some cryptic meaning to this song that I have yet to grasp.

There you have it. With this, I rest my case and leave it up to you, the reader, to draw your own conclusion. Do you agree or disagree with my take and, if the former, what do you think this song is actually about? Hopefully, one day we will be able to get to the bottom of this. In the meantime, I’m going to begin a similar analysis of the song “Angry Chair.”

Parents of Oscar Winner for Best Short Film Still Asking if He “Makes His Little Movies”

By Dan Kozuh 

LOS ANGELES — Local parents Greg and Linda Dwyer reportedly continue to dismiss their son’s filmmaking career by referring to his critically-lauded work as “his little movies,” despite him winning an Academy Award for Best Live Action Short Film for “The Unturned Stone,” confirmed sources.

“Oh, he’s still doing that? I’m happy for him, but it’s not like he made a Marvel movie. I can’t find his movies on Netflix,” said the father of two, standing in a kitchen cluttered with unread rave reviews of his son’s film he had sent them. “All I am saying is that it is never too late to apply to law school and make his little movies on the side. I just don’t know how winning the Audience Award at the Toronto Film Festival is going to pay the electric bill.”

Their son, now Oscar-winning filmmaker, Alan Dwyer, immediately returned to his childhood home from the ceremony, where his mother expressed confusion over his continued pursuit of filmmaking instead of settling down.

“I walked through the front door holding a literal Academy Award—the most famous trophy in the world of filmmaking and my mom told me she texted my ex Rachel to let her know I was in town,’” Alan said from his childhood bedroom surrounded by posters of his favorite filmmakers. “My dad said, ‘Neat,’ and let me know the compliance office at his old company is hiring and that I need to start ‘pounding the pavement,’ whatever that means. I literally had drinks with Bong Joon-ho last night!”

Experts say this phenomenon is common among parents of artists, regardless of achievement.

“Many parents fundamentally struggle to recognize creative success unless it results in an easily explainable career and steady paycheck,” said Dr. Madeline Choi, a cinema psychologist at the UCLA film school. “They don’t view ‘Best Short Film’ as a legitimate Oscar because it isn’t something that is played 13 times a day on TBS or sold in a bargain bin at Walmart next to ‘The Hangover 3.’ If want your parents to notice you, you’ll have to try a little harder than making a brilliant 26-minute long cinematic short that captivates the world.”

At press time, Mr. and Mrs. Dwyer were seen explaining to a neighbor that their son “is still finding himself,” while asking if their daughter, a real estate agent, can help get Alan’s foot in the door.

Kanye West Interrupts Best Picture Winner On Stage at Oscars to Say “Triumph of the Will” One of the Best Films of All Time

By Bobby Korec

LOS ANGELES — Controversial rapper Kanye West interrupted the Best Picture winner on stage at the Academy Awards to say the 1935 Nazi propaganda movie “Triumph of the Will” was one of the greatest films of all time, confirmed sources who all said “not again” in unison.

“I’m really happy for the winners and I’ll let them finish, but Leni Riefenstahl had one of the best movies of all time,” said West without breaking eye contact with Ralph Fiennes for some reason. “It’s 2025, so it’s time we finally recognize the filmmaking accomplishments from 90 years ago. Plus, this one wasn’t three and a half hours long like a certain movie called ‘The Brutalist.’ I’ve never even heard of half of the movies in this category, and I refuse to live in a country that acknowledges Timothée Chalamet as a human being. ‘The Substance’ was pretty dope though.”

Fans of West seemed to enjoy him getting air time.

“I’m more upset that he spoiled the ending of that film for those of us who hadn’t seen it yet,” said West fan James Winston. “This reminded me of the time Ye interrupted Taylor Swift cheering her boyfriend Travis Kelce at a Chiefs game while she was on the Jumbotron. Not to mention it’s also like the time he took the mic from T-Swift mid-concert to tell her fans that Beyoncé actually had a better career than her. Man, I just can’t get enough of that guy barging in on famous pop stars.”

Experts were quick to point to other live events that West infiltrated.

“Let’s just say, whenever there’s an award show, make sure you keep Kanye as far away from the venue as humanly possible,” said pop culture blogger Mandy Struve. “Last week at the SAG Awards he interrupted Kieran Culkin during his acceptance speech after winning best male actor in a supporting role to say that Edward Norton in ‘American History X’ gave one of the best acting performances of all time. Before that, he rushed the stage at the Grammy’s to interrupt Chappel Roan and announce that Skrewdriver was one of the best bands of all time. This man simply has no boundaries.”

At press time, West doubled down by rushing the stage yet again to announce that “The Birth of a Nation” was also one of the greatest cinematic masterpieces of all time.

Review: Is Monster Hunter Wilds Better Than Call of Duty: Black Ops II?

BY Nick Coffman 

As an avid gamer who has played Call of Duty: Black Op II every day for the last 13 years, I’d like to think I have pretty good taste. I mean, once you’ve played the greatest game of all time, why bother trying anything else? It’s a sentiment my editor refuses to discuss with me. Instead, because he’s spiteful and has never known joy, he’s making me write reviews for the site and forcing free copies of lesser games onto me. It’s awful, but the job market is crap out there, so my hand is forced. Now I venture out looking for the impossible, a video game better than Call of Duty: Black Ops 2.

Monster Hunter Wilds is the 27th entry in Capcom’s long running series. Hard to believe it took them 20 years and all those iterations just to get here. Compared to Activision only taking nine entries to get to perfection in the form of Call of Duty Black Ops II (if you want to get technical it only took Treyarch four games in six years). I’ve not played any previous Monster Hunters but if Wilds is any indicator, it’s safe to say you can skip the entire series.

Third-person action is an oxymoron. There’s no action in standing behind a character as they swing a big sword around like an idiot. Action happens in the first person. If I can’t watch the bullet leave my scoped SCAR-H and enter the dome of some scrub-ass poser with a K/D under 1.0 what’s the point? Monster Hunter Wild’s weapon spread is ridiculous in a bad way. All of these swords, hammers, and axes are impractical. My little guy shouldn’t be able to carry this hammer that’s double his size. It’s not possible, Capcom.

WIlds tries to appeal to hardcore gamers like myself by including guns in its arsenal of weapons. These guns do not look or sound like real guns at all. The Heavy Bowgun (awful name) looks like a Nerf gun I’d find at my little cousin’s house. Black Ops II is still the peak of guns in games. The guns are real in both past and future missions. In fact, just about everything you see throughout Black Ops II is real (sure, we don’t have Nano Gloves yet, but they’re coming).

Fictionalized weapons are the least of Wild’s problems. I’ve got bad news for everyone. Monsters aren’t real, especially these monsters. I looked up each of them on Wikipedia and can confirm that none of these monsters exist in our world. You know what is real? Zombies. I’ve seen one myself. My uncle took some bath salts and attacked my cousin and me back in 2014. Thankfully we had my cousin’s Nerf gun and were able to beat my zombified uncle to death with it. Games need to feel realistic. When you force me to fight monsters that I’ll never see in real life it just takes me out of the experience.

You can cook in Wilds, which seems like a waste of time. I don’t cook in real life, I’m not going to suddenly get an itch to cook some fictionalized steak. You hold the meat over a fire of course, because in this game you have magic, but no access to a microwave. Hold on, my hot pockets are done.

Okay, I’m back. You also eat to regain health, which is not how the human body works at all. We all know if you’re hurt, you just need to duck down somewhere and wait until you feel better. Oh, wait, I forgot my Mountain Dew in the other room.

Back again. You know, not including some kind of double XP partnership with Mountain Dew seems like a missed opportunity here.

Capcom also seems to be confused about how boats work. Let me speak to the dev team directly here. Hey guys. I’m sure you’re all super busy crunching on this game, but boats don’t go on sand. They go on water. Hopefully you can get that right in the sequel. Again, the game’s inability to pull me in, ties back to the lack of realism throughout the campaign. You can play through the game with friends, but I’d rather not drag my friends into this mess. I also don’t need them roasting me for playing this.

Monster Hunter Wilds never had a chance. Its fake guns, fake monsters, failed attempts to make me cook, lack of double XP, lack of realism, and increasing the chances of me getting made fun of for playing it keep it far, far away from ever dethroning Call of Duty: Black Ops II as the greatest of all time. Let’s give Capcom another 20 years to rethink this series.

Elon Musk Reaches Out to Dozens of Fired Federal Employees With Impregnation Offers

BY Jus Kaplan 

WASHINGTON — After terminating the jobs of thousands of U.S. government workers, Elon Musk has reportedly extended dozens of offers to impregnate those he fired, confused sources confirmed. 

“I got laid off last week from my job in the department of Agriculture and figured, well, that was the end of that,” said Stacie Lorin, a 27-year-old from Duluth, Minnesota. “But yesterday I saw a message in the inbox of my personal email from some account called TeslaGod@DOGE.Gov with the subject line ‘A special offer just for you.’ I thought it was spam, but clicked it anyway because honestly who cares at this point. Turns out it wasn’t spam—it was a video that Elon Musk recorded on his phone asking me by name if I’d consider ‘bearing his next child.’”

Lorin is one of at least 28 former Federal employees to receive such messages, which also include a custom QR code that links to a form for scheduling a “pre-impregnation biometrics analysis” at the nearest Neuralink office. Another offer recipient, Alayna Nguyen, described the appointment. 

“I went to some office park in the middle of nowhere and they asked me to fill out a questionnaire asking for lots of very personal and very weird information. Like if I’ve ever been to space before and what shoe size my feet are,” said Nguyen. “When a guy in a surgical mask walked in carrying a tray with a huge syringe filled with blue liquid, I decided this was all just too much for me and booked it out of there.”

While Musk could not be reached for comment, a representative for DOGE said they were “not aware” of these offers. 

“We’re focused on cutting excessive Government spending, point blank period. In fact, to date we’ve already saved U.S. taxpayers more than like 4.8 trillion dollars, give or take a few trillion dollars,” said spokesperson Vince Pollardi between rips of his vape. “If Elon is actually sending these messages, which I’m not saying he is, then I’m sure there is a strong fiscal case for them and the American people will benefit immensely. And honestly, who wouldn’t want to have a kid with a handsome genius billionaire?”

At press time, exactly zero of the impregnation offers had been accepted.