Hard Digest February 19: Katy Perry, Eric Clapton, Vets, and More

Democrats Announce Bold Plan to Resist Trump Policies by Playing Katy Perry’s “Roar” Really Loud

By Reuben Blanchard 

WASHINGTON — Democratic leadership announced their plans to play the 2013 Katy Perry song “Roar” very loud in response to the aggressive start of President Donald Trump’s second term, confirmed sources rubbing their temples and squinting.

“We spent a lot of time and the majority of our 2025 budget on getting the proper licensing of this track,” said Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer. “And the most common responses to our polling questions were ‘fucking do something’ and ‘you are useless cowards.’ So obviously the message was clear: we need a new anthem and we need to play it as loud as my three-disc CD player stereo can go. We were pretty much split down the middle between ‘Roar’ and ‘Fireworks.’ But with ‘Roar’ we think the American people will see that we’re committed to starting to think about figuring out how to begin the process of launching an exploratory committee that can get movement on getting a conversation started. These are dark times and the Democratic Party takes the threat of fascism seriously.”

White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt responded to questions about the Democrat plan.

“This is the most offensive thing the Democratic Party has ever done,” said Leavitt. “We all know ‘Roar’ is code for communism. The radical left has now admitted to communism. You heard them. They said it. They said ‘Roar’ would’ve been Karl Marx’s favorite song. Verbatim. We all heard it. Literally every single one of us heard that. And I refuse to work with these people until they apologize for what they’ve done.”

Professor of Political Science at George Washington University Sandra Keller says there can be power in music, just maybe not this particular track.

“Historically, protest songs can actually have a big impact on the political climate, from the songs of the abolition movement to the pro-union songs of the labor movement, to ‘We Shall Overcome’ during the Civil Rights era,” said Professor Keller. “However, usually, the songs are of the moment and have lyrics that apply to the goals of the movement, as opposed to ‘Roar’ which is a 12-year-old song about being a tiger, I think? Not really sure. I’m more of a Carly Rae Jepsen fan.”

At press time, Democratic leadership announced that they would be making an Instagram Reel featuring Gal Gadot singing Perry’s “Roar” to further protest fascism.

Oh Wow, We Were Way Off! Eric Clapton Just Revealed “Tears in Heaven” Is About His Struggles With Porn Addiction

By Tim Sheard

We at the Hard Times are big classic rock fans, and it definitely shouldn’t surprise you that one of our favorite artists of all time is Eric Clapton. We may not agree with his views on politics or public health, but whether he’s singing “Can’t Find My Way Home” as a member of Blind Faith or as a solo artist rocking to “Change the World” on the soundtrack to everybody’s favorite John Travolta movie “Phenomenon”, we can’t get enough of his tunes.

We had taken ourselves as Clapton experts, but a recent reveal by the prolific guitarist took us for a loop. We thought we knew the inspiration for his 1991 hit “Tears in Heaven”, but it turns out the popular tune is actually about his struggles with porn addiction.

Oh wow, we were way off!

In a recent interview with Rolling Stone, Clapton revealed that the lyrics to the popular, tear-inducing hit were written to explore his fears that his indulgent and Onanistic lifestyle would preclude his admittance into God’s kingdom, as it turns out the rock star had troubles quelling his fixations over the sprawling collection of hardcore pornographic magazines he’d amassed throughout the 1980s. According to Clapton, the wealth he’d earned from his numerous hits up to that point had been used exclusively to build a treasure trove of smutty magazines from “Club” all the way to “Gent”, with even an entire section devoted to the full-penetrative stylings of “Puritan.” With his financial success unfettering him from the constraints of a typical 9-5 job, he was free to devote every waking moment of his time to obsessively manipulating his genitals while poring over every page of his lascivious cache.

Yeah, that’s definitely not what we thought “Tears in Heaven” was about. Color us surprised!

“I must be strong and carry on, ‘cause I know I don’t belong here in Heaven,” laments Clapton over that beautifully composed acoustic legato we’ve all come to love. Now that we know we are hearing the mournful intonation of a man conflicted between his faith and his socially backward affinity for excessive masturbation, we’re not sure if we’ll ever be able to listen to this song the same way again

Thankfully, Clapton has since sought professional help for his unchecked hedonism and has been clean these past three decades. Considering the downward spiral that would inevitably have resulted from having the Internet able to instantly fulfill every one of his darkly libidinous fantasies, we consider this a blessing. Hopefully, Clapton has found peace with his Maker as well and now considers himself worthy to be seated at the right hand of the Father for all of eternity.

Again, we were truly taken aback by this revelation, and while we’re certainly sympathetic to his plight, we might not have sobbed so heavily during his 1992 performance on MTV Unplugged had we known the true meaning of this song. Thanks, Mr. Clapton, and good on you for kicking that porn habit!

Report: Average Veterinarian Has Eight-Hour Wait List for Hunky Off-Grid Outlaws Needing Stitches at 2 a.m.

By Matt Husser 

NEW YORK — A new independent report revealed that the average veterinarian has an eight-hour wait list due to the sheer volume of hunky outlaws needing off-grid medical care after hours, sources confirmed.

“Most veterinarians just want to help animals, but somehow word got around to every vigilante, mobster, and anti-hero in town that they can also stitch them up in the middle of the night while these guys lay low from the law. Vet offices usually have a waiting room full of stoic badasses,” said researcher Melanie Garcia. “You can’t go into a hospital with a gunshot wound or they’ll call the cops, but these guys need to wait until vets tend to the cats with diarrhea, pitbulls that swallowed a Costco-sized pack of tube socks, and hamsters with gout. In the meantime, all they can do is sit down next to the rest of the outlaws and bleed all over the Cat Fancy magazines.”

Local vigilante Frank “The Compensator” Vercetti had been receiving off-grid medical care at Healing Paws Animal Clinic for years, but revealed that things have changed over the last few years.

“In the old days you could stumble into a vet clinic at 2 a.m., get a bullet taken out of your shoulder and still have time to flirt with the tough yet beautiful veterinarian all while a sensual saxophone soundtrack plays against the pale moonlight shining through the window,” said Vercetti, pouting while a receptionist handed him paperwork. “But nowadays there’s so many other outlaws in here it totally kills the vibe. Doc is so busy she doesn’t even have time to longingly watch me through the window as I slip off into the night for the final showdown with the bad guys.”

Healing Paws’ regular customers were starting to notice the change in clientele.

“I don’t think I’m gonna come back to this vet clinic, the waiting room is always full of masculine dudes with black eyes and gunshot wounds—and the weirdest part is none of them have pets with them,” said Howard Barlow, comforting his goldendoodle, Francisco. “Well they better quit their bellyaching and get in line because my Francisco has a doozy of a tummy ache. Also I’m pretty sure that guy over there pretended to be a cop and commandeered my vehicle last week before crashing it into the old steel mill in a hail of gunfire.”

At press time, a nearby gas station stopped letting customers use the bathroom after the owner was tired of cleaning up bullets and vodka bottles from hunky off-grid outlaws performing field surgery on themselves.

Simpsons Predicted It Again: I Have Acute Jaundice

BY Shane Pauker 

Most people will tell you The Simpsons got stale decades ago, but I’ve been watching this whole time. As far as I’m concerned, they’ve got their four-fingered hands on the pulse of culture. They’ve been here since Reagan and they know what’s gonna happen next. They predicted Trump’s presidency, Siegfried and Roy’s tiger attack, and that the 20th of the month would eventually fall on a Thursday. Little did I know that they were predicting my life, too: I’ve got jaundice and I’m as yellow as Homer.

I’m surprised that the writers were able to see this coming, considering I’ve never met them, but that shows the genius of the writing team! Heck, they had a bunch of Harvard guys like Conan O’Brian — the king of TBS! — on staff. They’ve put so much effort into making the show believable; it’s no wonder they’ve built a world that’s basically exactly the real world. I find some solace in knowing I can believe what those eggheads put on screen. As soon as I realized I had bulging eyes, three strands of hair, and neon-yellow skin, I knew where I could find representation on TV.

My doctor (who is kind of like real-life Dr. Hibbert) says that my habit of drinking Miller High Life (which is kind of like real-life Duff Beer) every day made health consequences inevitable. That seems pretty suspect to me. We live in reality. Just because Homer and I both go to a bar every day and are filled with hairpin rage doesn’t mean I’m going to turn out exactly like him. Doctors shouldn’t make diagnoses based on a sitcom. What’s next? Telling me I’m gonna turn out like Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory just because I have an annoying roommate and I used to be young?

In spite of my doctor trying to scare me, I’m not worried. The prognosis is good. If I’m anything like my heroes, I’ve got 35 more happy years of progressive decline ahead of me.

Three Unarmed Civilians Shot After Cop Plays Area 51 Arcade Game

BY Steve Packosky 

DANBURY, Conn. – Three unarmed civilians were somehow struck by gunfire at Gamer’s Grove Classic Arcade after a police officer decided to play 1995 light gun game Area 51, sources report.

“I like to come in here during my breaks,” said the culprit, Officer Gary Rabowski. “I just love these old games; plus they help me unwind from my shifts. Unfortunately, I forgot how jumpy this one in particular makes me. I guess I must have used my actual gun when the game told me to fire off screen to reload, and it looks like I did it more than once, because there are several people lying around here with gunshot wounds. I’d say ‘my bad’, but I probably shouldn’t say anything that looks like an admission of guilt.”

Eyewitness Lauren Burke remarked on what she had seen.

“I was playing The Simpsons Arcade Game when I heard this series of deafening gunshots,” Burke commented. “I looked over and three arcade patrons had been shot near some idiot cop with a literal smoking gun in his holster at the Area 51 cabinet. The most shocking thing about it is that he just kept playing his game, and appeared to be completely unaware that he had just shot three innocent people who had been playing close by. I swear, they should just ban cops from this place entirely.”

Criminal justice reform expert Miguel Abarca weighed in on the situation.

“We’ve all seen countless incidents of jittery, trigger-happy police officers shooting people during traffic stops,” Abarca offered. “However, cases of them not even being able to play video games without committing manslaughter tend to get covered up. Whether that’s because the departments are embarrassed, or they simply know they can get away with it depends on the incident. I wish I could say this Rabowski guy is going to be punished for this appalling dereliction of duty, but we all know he’s going to be put on paid leave for a few weeks before getting away scot-free.”

At press time, Donald Trump has announced he will be awarding Rabowski the Presidential Medal of Valor.