Hard Digest January 23: Early Access Moshing, Instagram, Poly Couples, and More

Punk Comes to Sudden Realization That Moshing Pretty Stupid

By John Danek

CHARLEROI, Pa. — Lifelong punk Hunter Burchuk experienced the startling epiphany that moshing is “dumb as hell” during a recent local hardcore show, concerned friends reported.

“I was two-stepping during a breakdown when a rogue foot smashed into my face. Time stopped, and for the first time I could see exactly how fucking stupid I looked,” recounted a bruised Burchuk, who has since enrolled in philosophy courses at Westmoreland County Community College. “Moshing is completely unrelated to the enjoyment of a musical performance. It’s like ‘Fight Club’ without the anti-capitalist messaging. In fact, it’s pretty pro-capitalist once you factor in merch prices these days. Moshing is exclusionary to many sects of people, most of all those intelligent enough to not want a fist to the face.”

Burchuk’s peers in the Southwestern PA scene are experiencing difficulty in relating to his newfound sense of enlightenment.

“I am going to kick Hunter’s ass for talking like such a dweeb as of late,” expressed Scott “Scotch” Donarelli, who is entering his 19th consecutive year of claiming to be starting a new band. “Moshing is essential to punk because, like… I don’t know, it just is. It’s like fighting in hockey. No one can explain why it happens, but we all just like it. It means you’re not a wimp. And it’s important to prove your lack of wimp-ness to strangers you’ll never exchange names with or ever see again.”

Anthropologists struggle to find evolutionary meaning in the punk subculture’s violent tradition of slam dancing.

“I have embedded myself in the greater Pittsburgh punk scene for 6 years now to better understand these customs and traditions, but all I have gained is a worsening case of CTE,” stated Dr. Leslie Tucker, dean of anthropology at Duquesne University. “Although punks are ostensibly homo sapiens, their customs more closely resemble the primitiveness of homo heidelbergensis. These violent dances often stand in opposition to their stated values. So far the only consistent principle I’ve observed is that it’s unanimously agreed upon that farting in the pit is a ‘dick move.’”

Burchuk is reportedly considering quitting skateboarding, as he recently realized that falling on concrete and metal hurts a lot and that skateboarding is a far less efficient mode of transportation than walking.

Damn It! I Watched Your Instagram Story So Now I Have To Respond to Your Texts

By Alex Vlahov 

Ikeep getting your texts, but listen: you have no idea how busy I am online. There are so many podcasts to catch up on. New memes and TikToks every day. My hands are pretty full, ok? You understand.

Shit. I just saw your Instagram story. Looks like I gotta finally respond to your texts. Might as well, it has been a few months.

I tried to undo the view cuz it’s easier overall, but Instagram gives you away on the story view – thanks, Zuck! I considered blocking but that just makes everything weird. Maybe if I throw my phone in the ocean, I won’t have to respond to your texts? Ah, but then I’d lose those daily McDonald’s app deals. Wow, this social pressure is overwhelming.

I had been meaning to text you back, my dude, but social media has just been so nourishing lately. Why do my friends bother me IRL? It’s like they want my continued meaningful companionship or some shit. Lame! I’m busy, ok?

it actually might be easier if I just finally text you back. Address the awkwardness head-on. One word responses, that’s all you get.

Aaand, fucking great. Just as I text back, your over-eager ass responds and now I got these consecutive haptic ‘dings’ on my phone as you flood our chat. Don’t you know this is bad for my anxiety? These attempts at emotional bonding and connection are eating into my Snapchat time, my dude.

OK, I responded to your joke with a Shaq gif. I reacted to the link you shared with an upside-down smiley face. Also I gave a non-committal answer (“would love to!”) as to when we can hang next. Boom, I’m done here.

Ugh, you’re calling me now? When did you become a “phone call” person? I’ll ignore it and instead fire up Instagram. Looks like you shared a funny meme, I’ll just give it a Like and—fuck! Ah, fuck, well.. Fine, I’ll answer your call, but only for thirty seconds, I’m too busy generating my own AI porn. This is the future, my dude. The world needs to see my “Monica Belluci as an old sea captain but hot” artwork. Leave me alone with your sad human friendship!

Harvard Lab Makes Breakthrough Discovery of First Attractive Polyamorous Couple

By Tim Sheard 

BOSTON, Mass. — Harvard scientists studying modern American relationship dynamics made a breakthrough discovery by identifying the first conventionally attractive polyamorous couple.

“The lack of hair grease was the first indicator,” opined anthropologist Dr. Heather Tingle, who led the highly secretive study from a concrete lab basement. “We’re overwhelmingly delighted with this breakthrough. A healthy couple, with a sense of style and facial symmetry, is such a rarity in the polyamorous space. This couple’s exposure to sunlight is off the charts, not to mention their robust social circles. What is remarkable is that neither member of the couple lives in a co-op. This sample was found outside our normal coastal urban polyamorous hubs. For example, we’ve completely stopped looking at sample couples from the Portland, Oregon metro area.”

Oklahoma models Tess Markham and Tanner Figlio celebrated being singled out by the study.

“We’re just happy to be recognized,” said Figlio sitting on his fitness bench while Markham swiped through Raya. “Tess brought this idea up in the first place, and I’ve slowly learned the joy of opening up our relationship. But it has been difficult to meet other attractive couples out there in the poly sea. We’ve made exceptions for less ‘conventionally attractive’ people, sure. Tess draws the line at stretched earlobes from ear gauges. I tend to prefer full teeth intact. Still, we’ve found success cruising Ren Faires, neighborhood art markets, and mall cell phone kiosks.”

Longtime popular sex columnist Stan Devage weighed in from his Seattle office.

“This is a case of vanilla normies stepping out for extra tail, nothing special,” decried Devage while scanning emails. “The poly ‘community’ has been crusty and scrappy for some time, but that’s any urban performance art cabaret scene. The artistic DIY world is so incestuous. It has to be polyamorous, like a forgotten tuna sandwich 69ing its own mold. Hotties joining the fray is appropriation. Got a model to suddenly ball? Old hat. There are many attractive poly people. Sure, couples are rarer, but I don’t think the study looked far enough. What about suburban samples? Plenty of emotionally devastating affairs every day, without the obnoxious lifestyle-signaling.”

At press time, the study also identified the first ever couple that opted to avoid unprompted mentions of their polyamory in casual conversations.

Upstair Neighbors’ Clobberin Time Disrupting Man’s Solitary Morbin Time

BY Hard Drive Staff 

PHILADELPHIA — Resident Marvel fan Steven Gooner has gone public about the embarrassing issues with noisy neighbors plaguing his Center City apartment complex.

In an effort to one up his loud upstairs neighbors, he spoke out with a megaphone in front of City Hall, before a crowd of confused onlookers.

“Nearly 250 years ago, our Founding Fathers wrote the Constitution right here, in this very municipality. It is an absolute travesty that they neglected to ratify the inalienable right to morbin’ time in your own private domicile, without being disrupted by the sounds of clobberin’ time coming from your neighbor’s domicile! If we’re endowed with the right to discreetly purchase AK-47s from gun shows without any sort of background checks, then why can’t we have the right to discreetly shoot something else?”

Before anyone in the crowd could point out that the Founding Fathers had died over a century before Stan Lee’s birth, or that the right to privacy is already a thing, Gooner continued to bemoaned his lack of success connecting with other sincere, earnest fans of the 2022 Marvel film Morbius

“Look, I feel for the guy,” attested an onlooker of the crowd to an Action News anchor, “I’ve been pretty lonely for the past couple years myself, since the pandemic. But the movie has a 15% on Rotten Tomatoes. Unless he ups and joins Jared Leto’s cult, he’s gonna have a hard time finding other likeminded people.”

Though the demonstration garnered confusion and laughter, Steven’s mom Geraldine was elated to see her son get out more.

“The boy’s confided in me about his fear of dying alone, and he very well still could, but it heartens me to see him out and about. Used to spend every waking moment buried in his forums and comment sections, now he’s making the whole damn world his comment section! Maybe one day, he’ll bring home a date that’s not his left hand.”

At press time, Shameik Moore has reportedly expressed relief over no longer having the most embarrassing Marvel headline in the news cycle.

Elon Musk in Dispute with Billy Mitchell Over Donkey Kong High Score

BY Nick Coffman 

BOCA CHICA, Texas — After climbing the Diablo IV and Path of Exile 2 leaderboards, Elon Musk is now claiming that he also holds the high score in Donkey Kong, dethroning the previous record holder, Billy Mitchell.

The tech CEO and pro gamer doubled down on these claims while playing the arcade classic  on a Twitch stream earlier this week.

“You all act like this is hard. Anyone with a small allotment of time can jump over enough of these little brown circles and get the high score,” Musk said as he completely ignored the hammer and continued up toward Donkey Kong. “Hammer? The hammer’s for phonies like Billy who want to pad their score without putting the work in.”

Mitchell did not take Musk’s insults lightly and took to his own Twitch stream to respond to Musk’s anti-hammer hubris.

“‘Hammers are for score padders’ what the hell is he talking about? There’s no way he did this without emulation or someone playing for him,” Mitchell said in his stream between ad breaks featuring his hot sauce. “If he can prove to me that he broke the record without emulation or the help of an actual gamer, I’ll give him a lifetime supply of Rickey’s World Famous Hot Sauce.”

Not taking the bait, Musk responded immediately with another stream.

“Billy Mitchell can hardly break records, what does he know about hot sauce? Sit down, Billy before I buy your shitty restaurant chain and burn it down,” Musk said staring into the screen. “Yeah, so what if I used an emulator and hired Steve Wiebe to play a few screens for me? You gonna cry Billy? What kind of man goes by Billy? You’re old. Just go by Bill or William, you pedophile.”

At press time, Musk was pondering getting into speedrunning games and started making a list of speedrunners and how much they would cost to hire.