Rambling

Some years ago, my mother told me I was the happiest and friendliest kid she had ever seen, then mused aloud that she wondered what happened to that little boy. It’s something that stuck with me for a decade or so now. The perpetual feeling of never being good enough, or never rising to my alleged endless potential. This is not to say it’s inaccurate; rather, it is painful to realize the truth in it.

Five years ago, I decided to make a Fallout 4 modlist for a new program called Wabbajack. It was named Banana Split. At the time, there were only two other lists for FO4, and the developer of one of them convinced me to go with a food-themed name similar to theirs.

Banana Split was a mess. Worst of all, it was the first time I was an openly “public” modder, so to speak. I’d been modding for years but I never talked to anyone or published anything for anyone else to use. I thought this skill was for people better than me, people that could provide things other people actually want. I envied them. It was my attempt to move up in this niche world I so admired.

Instead, there was hostility. I was accused of many things. Piracy, stealing, child molestation, genocide, necrophilia, you name it. It sounds ridiculous in hindsight, but it all wore me down over the years. I never felt accepted or like I belonged. Everything I did was wrong. I grew jaded and full of rage. Lacking patience. I’ve spend the better part of two years trying to calm down, make amends, become a better person, and expand my knowledge as a modder. I just wanted to be good at something for the first time in my life.

I always thought I had a solid moral compass, if nothing else. I’m seeing now that it’s my weakness. I don’t like self promotion, it feels gross. Low self worth and lacking self esteem prevent me from saying anything good about myself. To that end, I measure my value in other ways - mostly in negative comments I see about me, or the audience I can safely reach without forcing myself on anyone with spam.

I’ve tried a lot of things. Tempus Maledictum only exists because people enjoyed Magnum Opus, and people wanted a similarly styled Skyrim list from me. I obliged. I regret that decision. I made a YouTube channel to promote myself in my own space, as well as to force myself to play games instead of modding them, but nobody ever really watched it. Couple hundred views on the LPs. Maybe a thousand on an announcement trailer. Even tried spending money I don’t have on new games to try to get on the front lines, as it were. Nothin.

Twitch started well. For a week or so, I averaged 40 viewers. That was nice. Chat was talkative, which is my primary metric. I like when I can engage with a community. Like a group of friends. I never really had that. Didn’t last long, though. Now I average 10 on a good day. 4 yesterday. Chat is quiet. But I can’t vent, no no. I get ridiculed if I do that. It’s been eating at me. Three times in two days, I let it slip that I’m feeling very negatively about my progress (or lack thereof) and the responses have been…less than stellar. It has served to remind me that I need to shut the fuck up and go away and stop bothering people.

I also very strongly considered going the Verified Creator route. I got accepted a long time ago and never released anything. Just wanted the documentation. But I need the money. Everywhere I look, I see spammers and scammers doing very well for themselves, but my bullshit moral superiority complex prevents me from taking advantage of this. But papyrus is my enemy. I’ve tried for years to do it. I can’t. It doesn’t click. I’ve made so many mods, half finished projects, that can’t go any further because I can’t figure out the scripting. I am a loser, and I am once again not good enough, as usual. I even asked for the free members here to consider donating $1/month to allow me to do this, both for motivation and so I can feed the cats and myself. 27 people canceled instead.

I’m too socially awkward and depressed to live a normal life. I’ve known that for many years, and I’ve made my peace with it. Honestly, it doesn’t bother me too much anymore. I don’t know what I’ve done wrong in life, and I don’t know why my brain is wired this way. This is just the way things are.

There is no real point to this post. It’s the only place now where I can say what I want without interruption. I’m not much for pretending. I can’t do the fake enthusiastic streamer personality, it’s very draining. I am who I am. Trust me, I hate me more than anyone else. I’m not looking for anything here. I imagine I’ll see a lot of comments soon about the pathetic nature of this post, how much of a failure I am, all that jazz. Pretty used to that, and it’s fine. I never imagined I’d reach this age in life and have less than nothing to show for it. I hope this ends soon.

I have attached some Pumpkin black beans for your pleasure. She and her brothers keep me going for now.