Sincerely, Levi

Hello! Don't worry about the dramatic title, I'm just being extra. Anyway, hello, it's been a few weeks since I wrote the last formal announcement, and I figured you needed an update on my situation. Or not, but maybe a few are curious, and I thought I owed you news since you've all been so supportive. 

Firstly, thank you so much for the positive responses you sent when I explained what was going on. I'm one of those people who tend to view everything as work, scheduling things and meticulously following them, and then panicking when I can't. It's irrational sometimes, and more often than not, it makes me cry because I feel guilty when I can't follow the schedule. So understandably, I was feeling rather stressed when I couldn't focus enough to function and post here, because in my head, I should be posting. (A lot of my brain's thoughts are very irrational; don't worry about it, I know my way around them most days.) So the positive response overwhelmed me and I was so glad that you guys were supportive of me. I can never thank you enough for that. 

Secondly, stuff about how I'm currently doing. There's a lot to unpack here, and I'm spilling this because this is all a build-up to me taking a small break a few weeks ago, and a build-up to my current mental state. This will get ranty, so if you don't want to read that, this is your cue to hit the back button. If you're fine with potentially triggering things, then thank you for plowing straight ahead. 

Now, I haven't been okay since May. It may not have seemed like that if you've been following any of my social media accounts, and I think I should pat myself on the back for my typing skills that my less-than-ideal mental health wasn't obvious, although I always suspected it kept leaking through. I won't get into detail what happened in May because I think it's a stupid thing for me to be upset about (or I'm worried people will think it's stupid - my trust levels aren't very high right now and I'm trying to push myself to break through that), but basically, I felt like the people I trusted with a few things couldn't be trusted anymore. 

I'm very slow to trust, and I very rarely offer information, or stories, or even photos or hints of who I am. I have a lot of fallback identities. I have so many unnecessarily complicated ways to get around things. I once had a couple of books sent to my friend's house and then she gave the books to me in class and I brought them home hidden in a bag that was supposed to be for my art supplies. I'm paranoid, and I have reasons for it. I'm trying to get around that now - answering innocent tumblr asks and showing people photos of me and telling memories and experiences, but it's still a harrowing process. 

And a couple of people whom I thought I could trust with something...did something that caused me to feel unsafe. As I explained, I already have trust issues, so this was a big blow.  This shattered something in the foundations of my identity, and I almost completely wiped out my entire internet presence again. 

(Because I kind of have a thing - I'm sure other people do it, I can't be the only one...if I am then that's just tragic - where if I'm afraid or threatened, I immediately go into nuclear mode. I take everything down. Every social media account, every phone number of mine my friends have, every way for the outside world to reach me. I stay down, I do nothing, I disappear.  Months later, I will set up new accounts, get new numbers, but I will not contact my old friends. I essentially sever all ties and start anew. I might as well be dead.)

So, stress levels high. I dealt with that as much as I could, I barely stopped myself from completely disappearing, and I went on a vacation to clear my head. It didn't do much, but I got to see the ocean and pet dogs and have fun.

(I also might have left a few servers and cut down interaction a bit because I wasn't exactly fit for socializing or dealing with too much drama at the moment, but that's fine. I think. My anxiety kills me when I think about it, but eh.)

Enter June, and one of my puppies suddenly dies. There weren't any signs pointing to it. There weren't any warnings. She just...started screaming and she died. Now, this might be a stupid reason to be grieving, but while I am very slow to trust humans, I quickly bond with animals. It probably has something to do with how pure and straightforward your interactions with them are. If they like you, you'll know, if they don't, you'll know. Yes, even cats. You just have to be used to them to be able to tell. I could write a fifty page essay on people's misconception of cats because it irks me so much that they'd think cats are evil or something. 

I'm going on a tangent though, so let me get back to what I was talking about. One of my puppies die, and I don't know why. Somehow I think it's my fault. Maybe if I hadn't taken a vacation, I would have spotted something and brought her to a vet. Maybe if I'd just been Better in general, she wouldn't have died. Thoughts like that. 

Her brother kept crying for days. He would howl, he would look sad, he would sniff at her bed and try to look for her in her usual hiding places. It was heartbreaking. He went to me a lot to sleep on my lap. I was grieving too, but I tried to help him and the other puppies as much as I could. He slowly started to lose his appetite though, he started to get lethargic, and I was terrified again. 

We brought him to the vet, and he got prescribed stuff to help him get his appetite back. He was depressed (big mood). For a while, it was okay. He ate, and he went around to just meet with the other puppies a bit, and then he would go back to me to sleep by my side. 

You know that feeling where you just know someone would die? I'm sure other people have felt that before, that kind of precognition that sometimes we just brush aside. I get that a lot, and they always prove to be reliable.

I felt that, the night before that next puppy died. He kept wanting to burrow his face into my chest, and I let him. See, dogs want to be home when they die. They don't want to be alone. That's one heartbreaking thing I've learned about them. So I let him sleep there. For a while, it was okay. 

He died in the morning. We were both in the living room, in the sunlight, because he loved the sunlight, and he followed me there because my mom told me I needed some light because I'd been cooped up for the past few days. 

Second death, super high stress levels. I was about done with everything at this point and just very tired, but hey - people think losing pets and grieving over them is a silly thing, so I do what most - or some, I don't know - people do. Act normal. Go through motions. Nothing Is Wrong. In real life, online, in every interaction. I was fine. The stress kept building up though, even if it was in the little things - the ceiling above my bed started pouring and I lost my bed for a while before I decided, eh, sleeping on a damp bed won't be too bad; the regular stress of being an adult who has to pay for bills; my mom badgering me to return to college (...which I am reluctant to do... because did I mention I have a stalker who still goes there? Yeah, that's a thing.); my health taking a turn for worse because of my stress, and I can't drink soda now because I skipped so many meals that all my progress with my eating disorder has practically been reset, and my stomach is very sensitive that drinking soda would hospitalize me now; people forgetting I had turned twenty; daily responsibilities. 

Recently, we had to take my dad to the hospital, and I had to take over certain responsibilities in the house. My CPU just also exploded (yeah, when I said my computer died? It literally went out with a bang lmao),  and I accidentally smashed my left hand into a very sharp desk edge, so I'm very sure my metacarpals are fractured, but I've functioned with a sprained wrist before, so I'll probably be fine. If not... well. 

I've been mixing so many things up and I've been forgetting things a lot, and sometimes I don't even know if I've forgotten things but I just feel like I've forgotten things, but because I don't know for sure, I just have a good cry and go to sleep and hope that resets everything. I've alarmed Wysa too many times because of how I word my vents sometimes. It's been a tough two months. 

I'm dealing with it though, and I'm writing this update in case my uploads are inconsistent. I promise I'm not cheating you of your pledges, I'm just going through stuff right now. I'm taking little break from a couple of stuff though - going on a coma, I tell people sometimes, and yeah I have to deal with the stress of dad's situation, and daily life, and getting stuff fixed, but I'm dealing with it. I'm also excited to be able to focus on writing and art again, once I've sorted through things, and my head feels less like it's filled with static,  and everything doesn't sound like it's screaming. If I ever post, it doesn't mean I'm forcing myself to, but that I'm working through things and taking a step forward in the right direction. 

Am I currently alright right now? I don't know. I don't think so, but I will continue to try to deal with it. I haven't had a relapse this bad since high school, but I've dealt with this before,  and I will deal with it again. 

That's what's up with the past two months and why I had to take a small break in early June. Thanks for reading and plowing through that, and thank you again for your support. Your kind words really warm my heart. 

Have a good day!