January 2022 Microfic! (Lil late)

Hey y'all!

Well, this month's story went through a whole journey, let me tell you. I had an early idea that I ended up not liking and scrapping, then settled on a much more melancholy tone than implied by the prompt. Andit really is tangential at best to the idea described because I changed who the pov character is. And then that  idea ended up spinning out into a more than double typical length piece... Anyway, like most of my more serious-in-tone stuff, I've got no idea if it's any good or not, but I hope people find something of value in it.

Apologies to Modren and everyone who voted for it who might not have gotten what the expected! I promise to write something a bit lighter next month! (my promises mean nothing)

~Benn {Doomgender} Ends

Theme: DIVINITY

Prompt: Formless, ancient deity visits the Earth in human guise, and starts to have Questions like "why do I like it when dress go spinny"

Suggested by Modren (Thank you!)

~5257 words

CW:

• Attempted suicide, suicidal thoughts
• The wordless melancholy of the everyday
• Bodily disassociation/possession 
• Implied use of drugs/alcohol
• Loneliness/depression

~~~

——Alright.

But if I’m gonna tell this one, you’re gonna let me finish it, okay?

It’s a sad story, but it’s important to me.

It’s the day I died, after all.

Yeah…

~~~

I was looking at myself. Not the normal way, like in a mirror or something. No, I was standing by my bed, watching myself die.

The whole thing had sucked a lot more than I had hoped. I convinced myself that by washing down enough ‘don’t take with alcohol’ pills with wine, I’d just fall asleep and not have to worry about it anymore. But it took a long time, and just.

This part I don’t like talking about.

It didn’t hurt exactly, but I felt even shittier than normal. Somehow. And then when I finally passed out, I ended up stuck in an out of body experience.

I narrowed my eyes at my still body, curled up in the fetal position, half buried in blankets.

It was still alive. I could feel the most delicate thread connecting me to it. The spark of life, or whatever. Like the flame of a candle dancing to lap up oxygen before it goes out. Maybe I should have been getting emotional at the profundity of death, but at the moment all I could be was annoyed that it was taking so long.

Frustrated, I turned away from the bed, and looked out the window. I don’t know why I left my blinds up, but it ended up being convenient. It’s not like I could have raised them as I was.

It was gonna be dawn soon, but I could still make out some stars.

Or, just one that was particularly bright. I squinted at it. Was it a planet or something? Mars shining extra bright? I was never big on astronomy, so I wasn’t sure.

I kept looking at it, as I felt the thread fray. Not much time left.

And then, 

that lonely star looked back at me.

I backed away from the window like someone took a shot at it.

But, I had already seen something humans shouldn’t see, even in their moment of death.

It’s still fuzzy. I can’t really say what it looked like. But when it approached, it felt like the window *bulged,* like the world the window was a painting, a thin skin with something crawling and pressing from inside.

The window didn’t break. It’s more like the sky leaked in through the cracks between the atoms that made up the glass.

The hunger of a cold room.

The taste of sunlight standing the snow.

The fear of being watched when there’s no one in the room. 

Cosmos.

Fear punched through the numbness I’ve been drowning in for the last two years.

The thing I saw was in the room. If I was still in my body, I’m not sure I’d be able to breathe. Like the air had been pushed aside, some something vast and empty could fill it instead.

Then again, I probably only noticed it existed at all because of the state I was in. 

My first thought as I felt its vision crawling on me is that I was going to die. Then I was like, that’s stupid. I’m already dead in every way except for the paperwork. Once I remembered that, the fear faded back down to a dull ache with the rest of my emotions.

I briefly wondered if this was some kind of demon, sent to drag my soul for hell for the sin of suicide. I could certainly feel… something, coming from it. Not hate, or anger though.

…Something shaped like curiosity. 

Then I felt something else. My body had finally stopped breathing. My… spirit body? I dunno, it’s not like I was existing as a transparent copy of myself, I was just sort of *there*. But, my presence flickered.

I was almost disappointed that I was going before I could figure out what exactly this alien entity was. But still, relieved to finally go.

I think that’s when it discovered my body in the bed. It looked at me, and back at my body.

Did it want to eat my corpse? Whatever, that’s about what it deserved. With the last of my strength, I gestured to it and said “Go ahead, you keep it.”

After a brief hesitation, I felt the pressure in the room start to wane, as if the entity was leaving.

Not my concern, really. I closed my eyes for a moment, waiting to see light or whatever.

…

Sorry, this part always gets me worked up. I was trying to have a moment, you know? The whole thing had been such a mess, I just wanted to feel in control for a *second*. The process sucked, the letter I left on the fridge sucked and I didn’t take the time to rewrite it, then some kind of big space ghost showed up? It was supposed to be like, a solemn, lonely moment of anguish!

Ugh, whatever. Feels stupid now.

The important thing is that I realized immediately that I wasn’t fading away anymore. I wasn’t getting more real, I just wasn’t going away. The thread of life was frayed, but it stopped splitting.

I opened my eyes.

That absolute bastard was in my body. I knew it instantly. It started stirring all of a sudden, and I wasn’t the one stirring it.

It opened my eyes, and sat up.

At this point I was like, fine, whatever, it can be me I guess. How do I cut the tether. Then it turned towards me.

“Human.”

Ugh, I hated looking at my face. It was even weirder, cuz there was something about the expression, the way it held itself that made me look different. Recognizably not me. I tried no to look directly at it.

“Human!”

“Yes, I heard you the first time.”

I wasn’t really talking, since it was using my actual mouth, but whatever I was doing worked well enough. It gave a suspicious smile.

“I suppose I must thank you, human. First you invite me to this world, then you provide me with a serviceable vessel.”

It poked my thin, wimpy looking arm.

“A bit worse for wear, maybe.”

I got a bit indignant at that.

“Listen, if you’re so picky, go inhabit some other girl’s corpse.”

“No. I want this one. It’s still warm.”

“What are you?”

It thinks about it for a minute.

“I am querying the data inside this vessel’s storage in order to communicate with you.”

Weirdly violating to think about it rooting through my memories, but whatever.

“While I understand the broad strokes, nuance is proving more difficult.”

“Are you an angel or something?”

“Mmmm, closer to god.”

Now it was playfully kicking it’s feet off the side of my bed. What a joke. Watching my body declare itself a god while wearing pajamas that haven’t been washed since before the last time I showered. 

“Alright, have fun with that. Can I go now?”

“Go where?”

“I dunno, hell or eternal nonexistence of whatever.”

It cocked my head to the side.

“Dead! Dying! I killed myself, humans aren’t usually ghosts!”

It makes an ‘oooohhhh, I see’ face.

“Then this vessel is yours? Interesting. Well, don’t let me stop you, die away.”

“Gee thanks,” I muttered, closing my eyes and looking for… something.

The thread was still there.

I opened my eyes.

“My body is supposed to be dead by now, it stopped breathing.”

“Oh that, yes, I stopped it’s ‘death’ from progressing. If it dies it won’t make a good vessel.”

“But—— Look, I just told you I’m trying to pass on. If that body is alive, I can’t go anywhere.”

It stood up, a little wobbly. 

“Oh, this standing business is tricky. Anyway, I don’t see how that’s my problem. You should have considered that before you gave me this vessel.”

“I want it back then.”

It gestured at me with my hand, making an expression of casual confidence that has never appeared on my face before.

“Then take it! Use your anger and your will to force me out, reclaim your soft carbon shell with the strength of your conviction!”

I sighed.

“I really can’t muster that kind of juice.”

“I see. Then you have no more right to this body than I do. I’ll be off then.”

It started to walk towards the door.

“What are you going to do exactly..?”

It looked back, and I got a strange chill up my spine—— or, you know. The spectral equivalent. 

“I’m going to learn about humans firsthand. If I find them sufficiently interesting, I might even leave without killing any.”

Bad. Bad bad bad. If this thing was like a god, and was curious about humans, and only had my memories of being miserable and hateful for context… I didn’t want to think about what it might do. Especially since it knows stuff like, how to get in touch with the few people I know online.

“Why kill people..?”

“Why not? I’m probably going to toss this little planet into the star it orbits on my way out anyway, what difference does it make.”

That didn’t seem like a good sign. As much as I didn’t want to care what happened to the world after I died, I was still around in form, and didn’t want ‘extinction of all life on the planet Earth’ on my conscience on the way out if I could help it.

“Fine. I’m going with you.”

“Hm? I thought you were dying?”

“I can’t die until you let go of my body. I’ll help you learn about humans till you get bored, then you get gone without hurting anyone, okay?”

It considered it, then smiled noncommittally at me. I got mad then too. Seeing my face with such a natural sense of playfulness on it. Frustrating in a way that was hard for me to understand.

~~~

Now, convincing it to take a shower took some doing. Do as I say and not as I do and all that. I barely left my apartment back then, and certainly wasn’t looking my best when I did. It’s more embarrassing when you have to see yourself though.

I tried drawing on the steamy mirror with my finger, but didn’t manage much.

After it was done, it marched my body out of the bathroom, sopping wet and fully ass out nude. It scooped my boobs up, and sort of stood there in the middle of the room holding them.

“What are you doing..?”

“I don’t know. This vessel has strong lingering instincts.”

“I—— Alright, please put some clothes on, I can’t stare at my meager tits any longer.”

I had to guide it to my closet, gesturing at my clothes pile.

“Just, pick whatever smells least bad.”

To my frustration, it peered deeper into the closet, and caught sight of something I tried to bury.

“What about this? *sniff sniff* It smells perfectly clean.”

“No. Forbidden. Put it back.”

The offending item was a dress with a panel of black lace roses over the chest. It was one of my stupid aspirational purchases when I first started taking hrt. I wore it out once and thought it looked good, but when I got home and say myself in them mirror, I just. I don’t know, I started panicking. I gave up after that.

The pain in the ass had also dug out some girly underwear and a bra from the sealed corner of my closet.

“Listen you deep space bastard, I can’t have you prancing around in that girly shit ruining my image.”

It was already wiggling into the dress as I yelled ineffectually.

“Why are you so against this outfit? Would you rather I go naked?”

“AbsolUTELY NOT.”

It then tugged off the sheet I used to cover the sliding-closet-door-mirror thing, and appraised my body.

“Then this will have to do. I think it looks nice.”

“Don’t fucking flatter me.”

Ah, I was a little sensitive at the time. Trying not to look at my body. I made me feel stupid, like my struggles and hesitations meant nothing. But of course it didn’t have the same hangups as me. It wasn’t human! Just dressing up in one.

It was standing there transfixed, watching the hem of the dress swish back and forth in them mirror.

“Am I presentable now?”

“Shoes. Then, fine, we can go out.”

~~~

Going outside felt easier then usual. If I had to guess it was because I couldn’t really *feel* the outside. My sense of touch wasn’t really working right, it felt like I was in a very stale room without so much as a whisper of air circulation. Besides, I didn’t have to worry about going to the grocery store or whatever. I just had to keep an eye on this little monster.

It gawked at people really bad. I kept telling it to cut it out, but it had a real sense of wonderment over everything it saw. Maybe I should have been more worried about it eating someone or something, but being dead myself was really reducing my sense of urgency. Despite the horror I felt from it earlier, it didn’t seem particularly inclined to hurt anyone. Maybe it still hacky sacks us into the sun later, but I thought at least that sounded like it would be over quick.

The tricky thing was to figure out what to do to keep it busy. I really wasn’t a big ideas girl, and it’s a lot of pressure to entertain an evil god. That said, it’s weirdly disarming attitude relaxed me enough that we ended up wandering through a familiar part of the city.

“What are those humans doing?”

It was pointing at a group of college age kids walking by, chattering away.

“I dunno, probably going to get food together.”

“Food. Yes. Humans need food to live.”

“Yeah, but it’s also like a social thing.”

“Social? Like, grouping together to deter predators?”

“No. Well, sort of. It started that way probably, but humans don’t really have predators, besides other humans being assholes I guess. People hang out mostly for fun now.”

It considered this for a while.

“Fun?”

“Oh come on, you’ve got my brain in there, don’t tell me you don’t know what fun means.”

“I’m able to read the definition, but it doesn’t seem like you’ve had much ‘fun’.”

Ouch. I couldn’t even argue. I was a decently happy kid I guess, but a miserable teen, and it kinda went downhill from there.

“I would like to try ‘food.’”

That worked for me. If we could tuck away somewhere in a place maybe people would stop staring at my body talking to itself on the sidewalk. 

~~~

It turned out having it ask me what all the options meant at a fast casual pizza chain while holding up the line wasn’t any less mortifying then talking to it on the street. Also, it ended up with more toppings then pizza. No way their patented fast cooking pizza oven would be able to heat that thing all the way through, but I just wanted to get my charge seated as fast as possible.

There was a spot towards the back that’s by the bathroom (negative) but also by the drink fountain (positive). It was under a speaker so it was always too loud (negative), but no one sat near it pretty much ever (big positive), which is why I used to go there a lot.

“Use a fork if you’re just gonna pick at the sausages. You’ll get less greasy.”

“Fascinating, I see.”

I would have rolled my eyes pretty much much nonstop if I had eyes. Out here wearing my nice clothes, sticking my fingers into a pretty wet pizza. It could at least treat my body better than me.

“So, why all this ritual?”

It pointed at sparse groups talking amongst themselves.

“It’s like I said. People just like hanging out with friends.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know, it feels good? Or maybe, it feels bad to be alone.”

It nodded my head, and bit a bell pepper. It immediately got a sour look, and spit it out.

“I don’t think I get it.”

“Yeah, peppers are gross.”

“No, the being alone thing. I’ve been alone my whole existence, and I’m fine.”

“Wait, is this your first time meeting like, people?”

“Yes.”

I was a little taken aback by this information. Honestly it’s a miracle that it was able to communicate as well as it did. Must have been it’s cosmically expanded mind or something.

“Why haven’t you met anyone else? How long have you been around?”

It shrugged, back to picking at the little balls of sausage.

“Space is very big you know, and time is very long. I’m only here now on a passing whim since you invited me.”

I figured that not thinking too long about the scale of it’s existence would probably be good for my sanity.

“So you’ve never been lonely?”

“Nope.”

“I wonder how you’ll do after this?”

It looked over its shrapnel of a meal at me.

“What do you mean?”

“The thing about loneliness is that if you have nothing to compare it to, you can’t really tell it’s there. If all you breathe is air, you don’t really notice it’s there until you sink underwater. Um, but in this metaphor air is a bad thing that you don’t want. Sorry, I didn’t really think that one through.”

It regarded me thoughtfully.

“Did that happened to you?”

I didn’t even have the energy to get mad at it for probing anymore. It inhabiting my body may have been keeping my soul or whatever tethered to life, but I think this was the point that I started to get weaker anyway.

“Um. Yeah, I guess. I grew up thinking I didn’t need anybody, and then met some people I really got along with. And then lost them.”

“Death?”

“No, nothing dramatic like that. I’m just not good at keeping up with people I guess. Plus, I’m kinda exhausting to be around, I think. It took me a long time to realize how much I missed them. But once you realize that, you can’t push it away again. Loneliness smothers you.”

I try to smile even though I have no face. It would have been a sad smile.

“So, sorry. I may have invited you into a trap. I don’t know if something like you can really be lonely like humans can, but I guess you won’t know until you leave.”

There was a long silence, while it stroked my cheek thoughtfully.

~~~

After that we ended up at a park nearby, one of the few green spaces in the neighborhood. I’d always though it looked like a nice place to hang out and read a book or something, but I could never bring myself to. Everything seems scarier when you’re outside on your own.

I was getting… not tired, but kinda like tired. I didn’t really think much of it at the time, but in retrospect it’s pretty obvious.

I was dying again.

Before, it was like the thread connecting me to my body was being slowly severed from my body’s side. Now it just felt like I was fading. Maybe eventually there’d be nothing for the thread to connect to anymore. A quiet death.

The entity inhabiting my body watched as some stranger threw a stick for their little dog to chase after for about thirty minutes before it finally spoke up. 

“Why don’t you reconnect with those people? Or make some new friends?”

What a thing to say. Again, I had spent years in so much pain over problems like that, and they just casually recommend fixing it? That callous, well intentioned yet total lack of understanding was maybe the most human thing about them.

“I’m dead now. So I’m not gonna be doing much of anything.”

“Oh.”

The expression it was making with my face was indeterminable.

“But why didn’t you before it came to that?”

“Sometimes asking for help is the hardest thing in the world. I was tired of being a burden on people, I was tired of hurting all the time. Maybe it was stupid of me, but I was just so tired.”

Tired. That feeling of stale air was getting heavier.

“Being human sounds very frustrating.”

“Yeah, I dunno. If I was a better person, maybe I would have done better than bringing you to get some mediocre pizza and to sit on an uncomfortable park bench to show you what it’s like. I could brought you to an art museum and opined on the beauty of human expression or something, or told you what love feels like. But this is about all I could muster.”

It reached out for me, suddenly. I don’t know how it knew exactly where I was, but it put a hand to where my chest would be. I could almost feel the warmth of my palm, though it might have just been my imagination.

“I think it’s not really something you can communicate in a few hours, no matter what kind of person you are. Besides, I think I’ve managed to have some ‘fun’.”

The light of the low sun dripped over us, and I felt something like a smile despite myself. 

“So you’re not going to exterminate humanity of whatever?”

“I considered it, but I’ve decided I have no compelling reason to do so.”

Another invisible sad smile.

“Well, then I guess I was worth something in the end.”

~~~

I think at that point I lost track of myself for a bit. I don’t remember much until we got back to my apartment.

My guest seemed distracted by something. It had that unreadable expression on my face still.

“Why did we come back here? You want to try sleeping or something?”

It didn’t respond.

“Hey, you ignoring me?”

“Oh? Sorry, I was, thinking.”

“Thinking about what?”

It hesitated. Maybe on some level I knew what it was going to say, because I started to get anxious.

“I think I’m going to leave this vessel.”

“……oh.”

It looked worried, which just made me feel worse. I started all this so that no one would have to worry about me anymore, but I couldn’t even do that right.

“The longer I spend in this body, the more mine it is. And since it’s becoming mine, the connection keeping you in this world is fading. I’ve had my fun, I don’t want to get in between anymore.”

“…………yeah, I understand.”

I didn’t know how I was feeling. On the edge of numbness there was this weird heat around where my stomach would be. Like excitement, but sharper. Anticipation of the end. It was new and unpleasant.

“It’s for the best, anyway. I’ve been meaning to hurry up and die all day.”

It looked at me warily, and I was again struck by the range of expressions my face was capable of.

“Are you going to miss it?”

That heat in my belly rolled and built until it felt like I was shaking. 

“Miss what? My shitty life? Cute clothes that I’m too much of a fucking coward to wear? Wet pizza under a speaker blasting the greatest hits of the 2000s and today? Friends that I’m scared to disappoint? Relationships that will always end someday? Something like that?”

It just looked at me. I felt sick.

“Yeah. Yeah of course I’m gonna miss it. Maybe not for long if there’s no afterlife, but having met you who knows.”

I paused for a while, not looking at it.

“The dress really does look good on you, you know.”

“Pfft.”

I choked down some cruel comment.

“I guess it kind of does.”

Another silence.

“It all feels a little stupid now that it’s over. There’s some stuff I’d probably do different if I had a chance.”

“Well, as long as you’re alive, there’s still work to be done.”

“Very funn——”

My body crumpled onto the bed, like a balloon with the air let out.

Ah. Sorry, one sec. No, I’m fine. I just need a sec.

……

Yeah, I’m okay.

Anyway, next.

“…what.”

“………”

“Hey. That’s not funny.”

I really felt it then. Everything was going white. It felt so suddenly real.

“You can’t just leave without saying goodbye…

It’s too fast……

I’m not ready………”

………

I was crying.

I had forgotten that I could feel a longing so sharp as that.

Longing for just a few more hours, at least to watch the sun set——

~~~

This part’s still a little blurry for me.

When I came back to consciousness, I felt warm and tired.

My first thought was wondering if I made it to heaven.

I put my hand to my face, and it came away wet. Groggily, I forced my eyes open, and sat up.

It was my room. Decorated mostly with dirty clothes and empty cans of pasta, just like usual.

I felt like shit. Drained and hazy and sore all over.

And I couldn’t stop crying for a while yet.

Wiping away the tears with heavy hands, I thought to myself that it didn’t work. I must not have taken enough pills or something. Or maybe I just got lucky.

I didn’t really know what to do next, and I wasn’t in any shape to decide. The danger had passed, but I could barely keep my eyes open. So, I fell back onto my bed to get just a little more sleep.

It was a weird dream. Or hallucination, whatever you want to call it. I could remember every absurd detail clearly, even through the fog over my head.

I guess brains do strange things when you mix meds and stuff. Can’t really judge it.

But there’s just one thing bothering me.

That was a dream, so when did I change into my dress?

~~~

I think I must have slept another seven hours or so, bringing me up to 24 hours or so. It was after sunrise when I felt well enough to stay on my feet and get some water. I didn’t really feel refreshed so much as ‘alive’. But, even though I was still a mess, I was just a little glad that I still qualified.

Over another can of pasta shapes, I wondered if that lost day really happened. It’s hard to imagine I successfully showered and got dressed while in that state. But it’s even less likely that I was visited by a cosmic deity that temporarily possessed my body to pass judgment on humankind.

I did wonder, somewhere in my heart, if it took pity on me, and gave me this second chance.

None of my problems had gone anywhere, but still. Those last words stuck with me.

No, I’m not done yet. It would be a poignant end, sure, but you see, the true horror to befall me comes next, so hold on a little longer.

~~~

It was later that day, the evening, and I was trying to get my laundry together. There was a sudden pounding on my front door. With it came a sense of foreboding I’d only felt once in my entire life. I had paid my bills and such so it wasn’t an angry landlord. And the feeling of danger was too strong to be natural. I was having a premonition that opening that door was the worst thing I could possibly do, dangerous in ways I could never understand.

Still, whoever it was wasn’t going away.

I tried looking through the peephole, but they were standing way too close to the door for me to really understand what I was seeing.

“H-hello?”

It felt weird to hear myself out loud in my usual subdued tone, after it was used by something so boisterous.

“I was unable to take the keys to this door when I left! Let me in!”

The voice it was using was different, but the tone was the same. Some quality of confidence and lack of tact that makes you really tired just hearing it.

“…it’s you, isn’t it,” I murmured. 

I scratched my head. That was what I was sensing.

If the door stays shut, I can pretend this whole thing didn’t happen, and maybe try to pick up the pieces of my life.

If I opened the door, I’d be admitting that I’ve seen things no human should ever see, and I’d be inviting something strange into my life.

I sighed a long sigh.

“Hello? I heard you in there! Is the door stuck? I can reduce it to carbon if need be!”

“No. Please don’t reduce anything to carbon. I’m opening up.”

~~~

Yes, that’s where the story ends. I told it it could take off its coat and then yelled when it turns out it wasn’t wearing anything under it. I ended up putting it in a lacy shirt from the forbidden corner of my closet that looked like a crop top on it, and some skirt that was a little too short. Felt like a real pervert, so I ended up promising to take it out to look for clothes soon.

It explaining that it had reduced the chemical load in my body to safe(ish) levels, then disappeared to go make a body of it’s own while I slept off the pills. It’s appearance had kind of an unsettling quality to it. Pretty, but in a way that made you feel like you were in a horror movie or something. The kind of thing that you could never pin a gender on, no matter how femme the outfit. It suits it.

I was a little shellshocked through the whole thing, trying to figure how to square the existence of an inexplicable alien god (self-declared) with my understanding of the world. I’m still working on that part. I snapped back to reality and argued when it told me it was moving in with me.

“You have a spare room you don’t use, yes?”

“That’s—— I had a roommate who moved out, and I’m gonna get another one!”

“Yes, me.”

“No. I do appreciate all you’ve done for me, and I do want to be your f-friend, but you in my apartment all the time is going to be more than my mortal heart can take. Get your own apartment.”

“But I don’t have a ‘birth certificate’ or ‘proof of identity’ or ‘money.’”

“That’s part of the problem!”

I gave in pretty quickly though. As much of a cranky person I am at my heart, I just couldn’t stay too annoyed with it.

It had done a lot for me already, you know?

An encounter of the fourth kind.

A dreamlike day outside my body.

A death that didn’t take.

Well, it certainly didn’t fix all my problems.

But, listening to my new friend go on and on about how it wanted to go clothes shopping with me

I couldn’t help but smile a bit.

I supposed I could live a little longer. Just to keep an eye on this otherwordly creature I accidentally invited into my world.

It’s only fair.

I really couldn’t stand it if the extinction of life on Earth was hanging over my head as I passed, you know?

Bit of a rude way to leave things.

Anyway, sorry for tearing up there for a sec. That’s all. Thanks for listening to me all the way through.