November 2020 Microfic!

Hello y'all,

Not much to ramble about this month! The story ended up a little sillier than I expected, but here we are. Hope you enjoy it!

~Benn 'Doomgender' Ends

Theme: Rivals

Prompt: A robotic AI hivemind and a coven of enthralled vampires both want your membership! How can you choose...?

Suggestion by: Quinn Le (Thank you so much!)

~2024 words

• Playful arguments
• Lightly comedic tone
• References to post-humanism 

~~~

[You! Yes, you! Human!]

The crackle of it’s friendly, artificial voice snaps you out of your thoughts. You pull out your headphones and turn.

“Um, can I help you?”

The humanoid machine is standing behind a table covered with pamphlets and little placards. The tablecloth reads CONVERSION SERVICES- JOIN TODAY. The machine itself is wearing a pink hoodie/blue skirt combo, but it’s face is an ominously flickering tv screen. It gestures excitedly.

[This platform would like to help you actually! Have you considered lately the weight of your shackles which keep you bound to the horrors of flesh and lonely, independent thought?]

You set down your grocery bags, which contains eggs, hot dogs, mozzarella cheese, and three different kinds of bread.

“I guess I have?”

[Well you’re in luck! Today is recruitment day for the Thousand Arms Of The God Within The Machine!]

“Oh I think I’ve heard of that.”

You look up, following the cables that the robot you’re talking to is dangling from, all the way up to the massive, hovering machine creature that’s been covering the eastern half of the city for the last couple days. You’re getting a bit of an anglerfish vibe, but like, a nice anglerfish.

[This platform is serial number 0130952895-96230-02, and it would be overjoyed to answer all your machine conversion questions. It lives in blissful service to a collective goal!]

You pick up a pamphlet, which has three robots hugging and doing peace signs on the cover.

“Well tell me, what’s the goal? World domination or something?”

#0130952895-96230-02 laughs in that ‘I’ve heard that joke every single day I’ve been doing this job’ kinda way.

[Nothing so boring! The Thousand Arms Of The God Within The Machine have no interest in the dominion of the human world. We simply provide a home for a subset of ex-humans who’s preferences match our own. We’re a fully accredited and registered post-human collective, see?]

They point to the official seal of the Post-Human Advocacy Council on the back of the pamphlet. You whistle.

“Impressive.”

#0130952895-96230-02 nods with a genuinely excited air. It’s endearing. You like the little bow it’s tied around it’s antenna.

[So, if you want to take a seat, I can  talk about the benefits of-]

“Oh come on you’re not gonna listen to that nerd are you.”

A deep, rich voice calls out clearly from across the park, amused and confident. #0130952895-96230-02’s screen crackles.

[Ignore them, they’re quite rude.]

You turn your head to the other side of the park path, to see another table set up by one of those public art abstract sculpture things. Lounging all over the plinth is a pack of goths- wait. No. Definitely vampires. One’s levitating a good four inches off the stone. They’re all wearing sunglasses, and you see a bottle of sunscreen on the table by a bowl of fang-shaped keychains. They’ve also affixed a metal pole to the sculpture, and are using it to hang an ornate chandelier over their setup.

“Um, is that chandelier allowed..?”

The robot rep makes a frustrated whirring sound, like a disk that’s skipping.

[Almost certainly not, but they won’t take it down.]

The lead vampire- you can tell she’s the leader because she’s lounging in what appears to be a throne- gives a throaty laugh.

“It’s called ambiance, puppet. I’m not surprised you don’t understand, they probably load you into a pastel charging tube when your shift is over.”

[That.. That doesn’t invalidate my point- I saw you welding- It’s vandalism!]

The vampire queen takes a long drag of her cigarette.

“Vandalism rules.”

At this point, you’ve just been sort of rocking your head back and forth tracking their conversation.

“Am I like. Interrupting something?”

[NO!]

“A date.”

They say it at the same time. The robot’s screen flashes a staticky pink.

[Don’t listen to her.. Lies and flattery! She’s trying to butter you up and steal you away from this platform is all.]

“Can’t steal what doesn’t belong to you.”

The vampire stands to her full height, like a good 6’6”. It’s a solid argument in her favor. The other vampires sort of casually watch, though you notice one in the back is busy feeding on a giggling human. It’s a bit. Ah. Intimate for a public park, but they’re not hurting anyone.

You take a few steps back as the vampire approaches, eying the robot.

“You consider that this nice person might rather join our coven?”

[No one wants to join your drab party. They want to join the hivemind.]

“I think we both know that’s wishful thinking on your part, puppet.”

“I didn’t really say I wanted to join either,” you say faintly. It goes unnoticed.

You consider how fast your eggs might go bad. Did you hear that you don’t have to refrigerate them technically? They were already cold though, so that’s probably not true. Still, you feel like if you leave them alone it’s gonna turn into a mess. Vampires aren’t above mean pranks, and AI hiveminds take everything really personally.

No, you wanna figure this out.

While the vampire and the robot argue, you wander over to the rest of the coven. They’ve gone back to whatever they were doing before, one’s filing her nails, two are taking turns practicing kabedoning each other at inhuman speeds. You pick the one that’s watching something on their phone. Oh, it’s a video of a baby bat eating a strawberry.

“Oh, nice, I saw that one this morning.”

They look up at you with a perfectly even expression. 

“I like bats.”

“I. Can see that. Anyway, look. Do you know what’s up with. That?”

You gesture over to the vampire queen and the hivemind vessel, who are inches away from each other now. The robot has lifted a good two feet off the ground to get eye level with the vampire.

“Oh, yeah, it’s a whole mess. Vile’s the sire for the whole coven, but she’s got it bad for the little pink bot.”

“Ah, she has a crush.”

“Wouldn’t know it from asking her. She like, won’t hear it. Says it’s a matter or principle. I said more like a matter of robot ass, but she compelled me to shut it.”

“That seems a little rude.”

“It was pretty funny imo.” They say eye-em-oh out loud. “Besides, I’ve got vampire safe words and shit.”

You nod thoughtfully, then catch yourself.

“I’m sorry- what are vampire safewords?”

They meet your gaze without the slightest hint of irony.

“All just different shades of red.”

“Right..”

You glance over at the pair across the way, who look about thirty seconds from a wrestling match.

“Any idea how we get them to calm down?”

“I dunno, like, make them kiss?”

“They might do that on their own at this rate.”

They snort.

“Doubt it, we’ve been doing this every Tuesday for two months.”

“How easy is it to switch days?”

“Oh, very. Bot’s got it bad for Vile too. You hear the sounds it makes when Vile teases it?”

You nod.

“I think I know what I have to do.”

“Good luck nerd. You ever wanna be a chew toy you know where to find us.”

You blush a little, but don’t let it distract you.

Back at the other table, Vile has started levitating to get the height advantage back, and #0130952895-96230-02 is rising with her. They’ve made it a good ten inches.

“Okay, I’ve had enough of this,” you announce firmly. Vile whips her head around, then back to #0130952895-96230-02.

“You’ve scared the human off with your antics, puppet.”

[You’re the one that interrupted this platform’s pitch!]

You sigh.

“No, that’s not what I’m saying.”

Vile lands in front of you, her full height considerably more than yours. She looks like she could break every bone in your body and you’d thank her for it.

“So, you’ve made up your mind then? Looking to get enthralled~?”

#0130952895-96230-02 swings past her.

[Clearly you’d prefer machinery to dead flesh.]

You shake your head, exasperated.

“Honestly, I’m not joining anything without doing more research. Even on a trial basis,” you add, seeing the question coming.

Vile crosses her arms.

“So, what’s up then. You could like. Leave.”

“I do have to get eggs in the fridge-”

[…wouldn’t need eggs if you had a perfect machine body...]

You shoot it a look and it looks away sheepishly.

“*Anyway*, you two clearly need an independent third party to interject and say. Just. Like. Go on a date or something. You’ve got chemistry, you’re both immortal, you’re clearly smitten.”

“You hear that number 0130952895-96230-02? You’re *smitten* with me!”

“This is about you too Vile.”

She scowls at you.

“Shut up.”

You sigh. How do they possibly recruit more members.

“Listen, I really gotta get home and make dinner. Just consider it okay? You could keep giving each other smoldering glances across the park every Tuesday, or you could have freaky impossible sex or whatever. No one’s gonna judge either of you. You’re a networked hivemind 0130952895-96230-02, so there’s no one to argue, and you can literally order your coven keep their mouths shut Vile.”

They won’t look at each other, but Vile’s pouting and 0130952895-96230-02’s screen is pink again.

“Just give it a shot, kay? If you don’t actually like each other, you can just pick different days and stop pining over each other.

They’re still silent, both waiting for the other to make the first move. Still. Geez, they’ve got it bad.

“Alright, you both seem lovely, and I’m really rooting for you. But, I’m gonna go make egg dogs. I’ll  check on you in a couple weeks.”

And so you head home. You faintly hear Vile incredulously say ‘egg dog??’ and 0130952895-96230-02 cracks up. You roll your eyes. They’re just jealous they can’t try it.

~~~

You do keep to your word, and come back through that park a few weeks later. This time, your bags have salt and vinegar chips, dill pickles, fancy green olives, and hot sauce. Both tables are set up again, but you don’t see Vile.

Curious, you sidle up to the same vampire you asked for advice last time. They’re running the table with Vile missing.

“Oh, you again. Come back to sign up? Boss is out, you’ll have to wait a bit.”

“No, I’m still undecided. What happened after I left? Didn’t work out?”

They snort.

“Worked a little too well if you ask me. You breaking the ice had them making out like ten minutes later. They’re off,” they make a wavy hand motion, “right now.”

“Oh.”

You look over at the hivemind table. The identical robot waves and calls across the way. [This platform is serial number 0130952895-97230-02! Sorry for the confusion!]

“Right.”

You wave back, then turn to the vampire.

“So, is it getting in the way of your recruitment?”

“Wait times are longer, but it’s chill, we’re just vibing out here.”

You feel pretty good about how this has turned out so far.

“Did it help them stay calm while they’re working?”

“Not a bit. Super fuckin competitive. You should have seen them last week. We’re gonna get reprimanded for public nuisancy at this rate. Gonna be hilarious.”

You smile and shake your head.

“Well, good luck with your whole situation. Hope it works out.”

“Yeah, it’s gonna be a thing. Betcha right now, we’re all gonna be cyber vampires before the month’s out. That would be pretty cool.”

You raise your eyebrows.

“You know what, shoot me a text if that happens, I’m kinda into that.”

They nod solemnly.

“You’ve got taste, I’ll give you that.”

Satisfied, you head home again. The sun is slowly setting to the west, unobscured by the enormous machine body of the hivemind. It feels good to help people see what they have in common.

You are going to have to finally read some of those pamphlets though, they’ve got some good ideas..