Ray's Place: Gettin' Shredded the Ray Way; When Love Dies; Each One Teach One (Drinkin' Edition)

®@¥, I am a man of humble muscle mass who is looking to change that. The problem is that I have basically no idea what to do in a gym. Do you suggest taking group classes so someone can tell me what to do, or should I just watch some YouTube videos and figure it out? —Brian D.

Brian! 

Man, do not get “YouTube fit.” That is a very simple recipe for gettin’ like one ripped lat and a punctured lung. I even saw a dude at the club break his leg in two places cause he had his screen on no-rotate and went in the goblet cage sideways. (He was all, “Aaaaaa! Aaaaaaaaa!”)

A trainer is always, always worth the couple hundo you’ll drop gettin’ a routine and goin’ through it with them a couple times. You’ll probably see trainers at your gym with their clients—chat with those clients in private, later, to see how they like them. (Not everybody sticks with a trainer because they like them. Lotta head games in that relationship.) 

There’s also a huge benefit to knowin’ a pro designed your routine, as you’re more likely to stick with it for the time it takes to see gains. If you’re just followin’ some mix of nobodies on YouTube, like who never have an ad where they built in a break for the ad and the video just starts again, you’ll lose respect for them pretty quick.  

Oh, you also said “group classes.” Every time I’m at the gym those group classes are all just the dowdiest old peckers and hens you ever saw, and I would definitely not want to be among them. Hella demotivating…ankles all rattlin’ around inside loose socks, dude all with a business belt over his sweatshorts (which have no belt loops). 

Start shiftin’ plates with a true bag-slappin’ banana dancer* and you’ll be swole on the pole in a few short months! 

=-WHOOT-WHOOT-RAY=

*[Translation: Begin a resistance training program with a certified fitness coach who is so dedicated to their discipline they have electively installed catheterization rather than waste time using the restroom. —Ed.] 

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Hi Ray, first time, long time. I've got a situation wherein I'm in a loveless relationship that has dragged on for way too long, and the financial entanglements prevent both of us from just admitting it's time to split and strike out on our own. No kids involved or anything but we got this hella nice apartment and it'll likely come down to who wants to keep paying both shares of rent. I would also like to know your best recipe for such as a simple cheese less taco for someone with high cholesterol and a love for things that are dangerous to that (Dr. Andretti may have some input.) All the love, Tony 

1) both move out of apt or remaining one gets roommate

2) asada

R

Just kidding, Tony! Man, what if my answers were always so cold like that! I’d be hella a dick! So but seriously T, chop the steak, either cooked or leftover, into real small bits, like corn kernels and dice, and brown the gadzooks outta’ them in a pan with small-chopped white onion and jalapeño. What you’re after is full-crust, just this side of black. Those onions will get all sweet, and the pepper got that heat. Throw some of those expensive-ass (use your cheese money) local-made corn tortillas right on the flame and let those get char marks, then stack them and let them steam each other back to softness. Dose them snazzlitas with salsa verde and chopped cilantro and shit, son, who needs cholesterol? 

Oh, wait, you said cholesterol. I forgot what that was for a second. So, instead of the steak, use white mushrooms also cut the same size, and brown them off alone in the pan with either avocado oil or clarified butter (no water), and definitely do not crowd them or they’ll get too wet to brown. (Brown the other ingredients separately too).  

Okay, as you might have guessed from this rockin’ answer, I took a taco class last year. I was super bored with my taco game, but didn’t want to get into complicated stuff like cochinita pibil, which involves squattin’ down to look in the oven. (I got a mild phobia about how hot ovens are. I mean, I’ll do it, but it wears on me.) Anyhow, I had that Rick Bayless dude in, that older gringo who is like a lifetime scholar of the stuff? We ended up talkin’ nearly the whole time about bronzer and neck lifts, but we did break to make lunch, and he taught me that technique. 

Ray the Old Famous Online Hippo Baby 

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Dear Ray, I've got a nephew who's not so little anymore, in fact he's recently of drinking age, and has the late-year birthday/Christmas combo coming up. His knowledge of alcohol is at the "toss back boxed wine like it's a shot" level, which is not his fault, it's just where he's at in linear time. I want to get him some bottles to help him develop taste, but I don't want to get him anything TOO nice so he's not struck by the yearning of the impoverished when he's looking at those high shelves in the liquor store. I'm a bourbon person myself but want to encourage openness and discovery in him. What would you recommend as an alcoholic starter pack? Any general advice on teaching the young about such things without seeming like a snob? Tim P.

Dear Tim, 

Your heart is in the right place, but you can’t just hand off a well-reasoned $40 handle and go, “Start! START!” This runs the risk of causing him to develop less-than-great drinkin’ habits. 

A more effective gift will be the night of drinkin’. Together. You’re the older and wiser one, and you got to do things like this in person to make ‘em work. Put on a turtleneck and a light-colored corduroy sport coat. Take him to some place that will impress him — like a place with chairs — and order for you both. Then, take him through the paces. Nurse the drink, make it secondary to the conversation. He’ll be surprised how long an inch of Scotch can last if the convo’s rollin’. Mention some flavor qualities the drink has (fortentuous, duffy, halcyon), so he knows that’s a thing. Also, remind him never to order a martini: (a) because that’s my drink, and (b) everybody thinks a twenty-year old kid with a martini looks like an idiot.    

Rizzo Flute tha God-Man

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Confidential to Gary_V in Minneapolis: Up yours too, pal! BLOCKED.