Ray's Place: Call For Submissions!
Added 2024-10-23 19:38:44 +0000 UTCYour lowly editor here, at the behest of "comedy mogul (?) and impresario Ray Smuckles," asking you to post your advice questions for Ray here. He'll probably stop monitoring incoming messages within twenty-four hours, and may begin answering them this very afternoon, as he just had a meeting fall through. (Pro shop called to say nobody was around to install a new grip on his putter; now he has nothing to do but get high until dinnertime.)
By the by, I put a (?) on the "comedy mogul" thing above because that's the first I've heard of it. I suspect he's trying to horn in on the growing visibility of the stand-up comedy segment of the entertainment market, and that he also wants to hang out with large drunk man Bert Kreischer.
Also, does anything mean less to the contemporary consumer of media than, "impresario"?
Ray will answer your questions in the Ray's Place column, which is available to tier 2 and 3 supporters of Achewood! (Erratum: Earlier version of this post mistakenly said "all supporters," but that was untrue, and I apologize for the mistake.)
—C.
Comments
raymond smuckles how many thongs do you own why only the one style how come you on purpose wear just underwear in public are you auditioning to become an egg smuggler
Skye Rosalina Infinite
2024-10-28 21:30:22 +0000 UTCDear Ray, I have been struggling with addiction on and off my entire life. I’ve done 30 day rehab, with additional months in sober living. It just never sticks for more than a few years. How do I finally get over this and stop using substances?
Stygian Gloom
2024-10-24 12:49:46 +0000 UTCMaster Ray, As the leader of a budding but meandering record label, how do I find the "stride" to not be in the business of turning out a funeral?
Michael Robrahn
2024-10-24 06:21:42 +0000 UTCDear Mr. Mogul, When I look back on the past two years of my life, I have made great strides. My emotional, physical, and financial health are night and day. When I look back on the past two months, however, I track a marked downturn in all three. Have you ever hit a rut? Had a couple of deals blow up in your face? Maybe dug on juicy meats and crispy potatoes in your hour of need to get through? Understanding that life isn't a one-way ride, how does a man keep perspective when he feel himself slipping downslope? How do I feel better about things getting worse?
Ben Wilinofsky
2024-10-24 05:06:55 +0000 UTCRay, a couple months ago someone gave me a jar of marionberry jam. I’m not really sure if I like it or not. So far, I’ve added it to salmon, oysters, teriyaki, and a pumpkin spice latte. It didn’t work on any of those things. I give up, what are you supposed to do with this stuff?
souvlaki Alabama
2024-10-24 03:30:29 +0000 UTCMy landlord in Los Angeles wants me out, because my unit is rent controlled. He has tried to evict me three times, and once had his employee sue me saying my dog bit him. My dog DIDN'T BITE HIM! (And if she did, he deserved it.) None of my landlord's lawsuits came to anything, because he has no legal reason to evict me, but fighting them is expensive. Could I sue him for harassment? Should I?
The Children of Jack Acid
2024-10-24 01:18:58 +0000 UTCDear Ray, We've been trying to reach you concerning your vehicle's extended warranty. You should've received a prior notice in the mail about your car's extended warranty eligibility. Since we've not gotten a response, we're giving you a final courtesy email before we close out your file. Please respond to this email with the word "STOP" to be removed and placed on our do-not-email list. To chat with someone about possibly extending or reinstating your vehicle's warranty, please email back as soon as possible to talk to a warranty specialist. Again, this is your final chance to take action!
Allie
2024-10-24 01:15:25 +0000 UTCDear Ray, As an employee of Pizza-Hut™️ of two years as a software engineer, and with twenty years in the software industry, I am super burned-out. I couldn’t care less how many pizzas we sell, or how many pennies Yum! Brands™️ stock goes up. I’m currently 8 weeks into a 12 week FMLA leave for “anxiety.” Should I go back to work or not? Thanks, Mike
Miiiike Walker
2024-10-24 00:57:17 +0000 UTCRay, we need to know: What happened with you and the Garfield doll?
Malt Schlitzman
2024-10-24 00:56:01 +0000 UTCRay, I just learned that most of the biosphere is bacteria deep underground, and they are constantly sharing DNA. So the entire earth sphere is having constant sex. How do I handle this?
Vin Crespi
2024-10-24 00:36:54 +0000 UTCWho's on your mixtape list for that special lady?
Tracy Woodard
2024-10-24 00:19:18 +0000 UTCRay, what’s your stance on having children? Who, when, where, why or why not, how many, etc.
Sam Julian
2024-10-23 22:58:31 +0000 UTCDear Ray, I've got a nephew who's not so little anymore, in fact he's recently of drinking age, and has the late-year birthday/Christmas combo coming up. His knowledge of alcohol is at the "toss back boxed wine like it's a shot" level, which is not his fault, it's just where he's at in linear time. I want to get him some bottles to help him develop taste, but I don't want to get him anything TOO nice so he's not struck by the yearning of the impoverished when he's looking at those high shelves in the liquor store. I'm a bourbon person myself but want to encourage openness and discovery in him. What would you recommend as an alcoholic starter pack? Any general advice on teaching the young about such things without seeming like a snob?
Tim Pratt
2024-10-23 22:35:47 +0000 UTCI did enjoy the idea of people imagining that a vole from the achewood underground got a job running around inside the big Patreon gearbox. (Unfortunately, if I drew this, it would have to be classified as an In-Universe concept.)
Chris Onstad
2024-10-23 22:34:21 +0000 UTCI love that I’m able to send you money, dude! Say hi to the cartoon vole (frantically pulling levers, squinty eyes, behind-the-scenes)
Jon Woodward
2024-10-23 22:31:11 +0000 UTCAnd thank you so much for subscribing!
Chris Onstad
2024-10-23 21:42:39 +0000 UTCJon, I'm really sorry for the mistake in the original post, which I have since corrected. Ray's Place is an In-Universe feature, and so it is accessible by In-Universe and Author's Tier subscribers. I feel bad that I (briefly!) misled people about this, and thank you for bringing it to my attention.
Chris Onstad
2024-10-23 21:42:25 +0000 UTC®@¥, I am a man of humble muscle mass who is looking to change that. The problem is that I have basically no idea what to do in a gym. Do you suggest taking group classes so someone can tell me what to do, or should I just watch some YouTube videos and figure it out?
Brian Dagame
2024-10-23 21:41:17 +0000 UTCRaymøndø, What's the deal with nostalgia loops shortening? I swear I've seen lots of people get nostalgic for the early 2010s already, and a few for like, 2021
Stavro
2024-10-23 21:26:06 +0000 UTCI am a supporter of Achewood, and the Ray's Place column is not available to me (offered as a data point, for whichever cartoon vole is operating the Patreon behind-the-scenes).
Jon Woodward
2024-10-23 21:17:52 +0000 UTCDearest Raymond, how do I convince my friends that Skirt Steaks and crispy Stella’s are classy? They seem to think that combo is beneath them
Nicholas Lindstrom
2024-10-23 21:07:48 +0000 UTCDear Ray. I have always been a "dress left" guy but since turning fifty I think that dressing right is a younger look. Do you have any exercises/regimen that will help me with my transition? Asking for a friend.
J Hardy Carroll
2024-10-23 20:54:03 +0000 UTCRay , I am currently disguised as a phantom. I am in a cupboard of a ladies loo and have to jump out approximately once every three minutes to scream and jump scare the punters that go past. Royalty free Halloween music plays on a loop as a strobe light flashes repeatedly. I must do this every night for six hours for the next eighteen days for sixteen pounds an hour... I have a masters in science. How did my career go so wrong? How do I fix this?
Tom PM
2024-10-23 20:50:05 +0000 UTCHalloween coming up. What's your spooky cocktail/mocktail of choice? Related, you've been murdered in grisly fashion. What cryptic message are you writing in your own blood?
Omnithea
2024-10-23 20:47:59 +0000 UTCyour rayness. man it's rough sledding sharing this, but sometimes when i'm going to work on my lady in the shower, my legs get to quivering real bad and i can't deliver the end credits, so to speak. it's been a minute since ThighMaster® was a thing, but there has got to be a way to lock that shit in. what would you recommend? —shakes 'n' bakes in the pnw
Rob Dalton
2024-10-23 20:47:18 +0000 UTCDear Ray, I'm about to move across the country. Is there some way to make the process less of a pain, even by a minuscule amount?
Distant Egg Song
2024-10-23 20:39:39 +0000 UTCHi Ray. I'm having a dinner party, and I need help with my wine pairings! We're starting with a charcuterie and cheese board, followed by a beef Wellington. I found one of those Viennetta cakes in the basement deep-freeze for dessert. Any ideas?
Katrina
2024-10-23 20:35:30 +0000 UTCI too would like to know.
Julie (HiDeeHoGal)
2024-10-23 20:28:18 +0000 UTCDear Ray, are there any overlooked or secret ways to cook an egg? I have poached, boiled, fried, baked and scrambled countless eggs - even an omelette when the mood is right. But are there other paths available to me and the humble egg?
FLON
2024-10-23 20:25:57 +0000 UTCHi Ray. Simple question: what can you do to fight depression?
Dan Warren
2024-10-23 20:23:44 +0000 UTCHey Ray, it's Aaron again. Thanksgiving is coming up and I replied to the family email chain that I am bringing a variety of cheeses. I am comfortable with a wide variety of cheeses that many people I'm related to and used to be related to find disgusting. On the one hand, fuck them and more cheese for me, but also, I do want to share something that a few people will eat other than cheddar and mozz. I'd like to bring five cheeses to a pretty standard turkey day spread. Help a guy.
Aaron J. Rushton
2024-10-23 20:21:04 +0000 UTCDear Ray, how do I get a friend who spends a lot of time online to log off and go outside? They’re missing a lot of life and becoming difficult for people to relate to.
Étienne Lavallée
2024-10-23 20:13:59 +0000 UTCRay, as the caretaker of two feline housemates, I’m considering how I use “cat” when talking about fellow humans in any idiomatic language. If I were a feline, this might feel demeaning to consider another entity as hip or cool just because they are a “cat”. How do you see this and should I stop using the word “cat” to describe others?
Tommy Wingo
2024-10-23 20:03:08 +0000 UTCRay, I'm curious, you seem like the kind of guy that's skillfully navigated and overcome all sorts of adversity in his life. I feel that, for myself, there's gonna be hard days a-coming, and I don't feel prepped. My question is, is there a mantra or words of wisdom that you stick by in hard times, that gets you through the hard days? Any advice for us little folk to find the value in challenging times? Asking for a friend.
Bungus Bronbo
2024-10-23 20:00:49 +0000 UTCHi Ray, the name's Jason, first time long time. I have two teenagers (twins, i'm very lucky) but they seem to want nothing to do with me anymore. I like to think I'm a fun dad, into all the nerdy stuff, but getting them to hang out with me is getting harder. Do I push and insist we do things together or do I let those kids be on their own? Signed, Frustrated Dad
48 Minutes of Dogs Barking
2024-10-23 19:58:36 +0000 UTCHi Ray! I am a known meat-eater and my fiancé is a vegetarian and I am totally okay with eating mostly vegetarian stuff; I've found that it's just not as fun to cook it. Do you have any ideas of plant-based stuff that is as satisfying to cook as a whole-ass spatchcock chicken or a crusty little steak?
Miles McMahon
2024-10-23 19:54:33 +0000 UTCDear Ray, As a producer of dub reggae I wonder how you feel about the genre? Sincerely, Prince Norty
boothnavy
2024-10-23 19:54:07 +0000 UTCHello Ray! I just recently got braces and as I 35yr old woman I'm feeling rather self-consciousness about them! Do you have any advice on how I can feel more confident?
Toni Martic
2024-10-23 19:52:53 +0000 UTCGood afternoon Ray, My 4-year old won't go to bed. He doesn't seem to mind the concept, but rarely lays down without trying to negotiate his way out of it, if not mild-to-medium intensity rage. What can we do to help him go to sleep peacefully? Regards, Over this Shit
Joe Benton
2024-10-23 19:46:41 +0000 UTCGood afternoon Ray, People used to get my identical twin and I mixed up all the time. It was always funny. But now we live in different cities, and move in different circles. I miss confusing people. Is there a way to do that without having to move to my brother’s city?
Jared Frank
2024-10-23 19:44:21 +0000 UTCRay, what is the appropriate cocktail to serve after a successful clamming expedition with friends?
Miles Crawford
2024-10-23 19:43:47 +0000 UTCHi Ray, first time, long time. I've got a situation wherein I'm in a loveless relationship that has dragged on for way too long, and the financial entanglements prevent both of us from just admitting it's time to split and strike out on our own. No kids involved or anything but we got this hella nice apartment and it'll likely come down to who wants to keep paying both shares of rent. I would also like to know your best recipe for such as a simple cheese less taco for someone with high cholesterol and a love for things that are dangerous to that (Dr. Andretti may have some input.) All the love, Tony
Tony Coker
2024-10-23 19:40:18 +0000 UTCRay, my son insists on standing on the drum machine manual. How can I get him to stop this ludicrous behavior?
Laura Prado
2024-10-23 19:40:18 +0000 UTC
