It's Loser Day at Ray's Place! Losing Family, Losing Energy, Losing Marriages

Dear Ray,

I feel distant from some of my family (cousins, uncles, aunts). I’m almost 30 and I’m wondering if its worth putting in the effort to get closer to them or if its better to just accept that none of us are close and that’s just the way it is. How do you deal with distant family?

— Scott

Dear Scott, 

It’s a real pivot point, ain’t it? When you’re little, family is all you know, which teaches you that family is the highest value. But family is just a lot of people who grew up to realize that family ain’t permanent, that family is just people with their own interests, who don’t necessarily value havin’ you around, unless there is some elder at the top demonstratin’ this stuff and doin’ the maintenance on it. It ain’t personal when an uncle goes from the light drug addict in the Izod shirt you know to the light drug addict in the Izod shirt you don't — it's just the natural way of things.  

But one thing to remember is, families also age on more of an epic than an annual scale. Family patterns are long. You might find in a decade that you and Uncle Teasemont actually really enjoy traditional Yankee woodworking, or Older Cousin Lune-Miel also really loves Taiwanese soap operas, and the fact that you’re family makes hangin’ even richer.  

Or, like usual, everybody might fade away. Aunt Bonaventúre (first name) might move to France to deal with horses or drink alone. Nephew Chandé might become a gunman and then homeless. Try not to get sad. Everything they do is their fault, including drift away from you. 

View From A Quiet Ray 

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Hey, Ray,

How do I make time & energy for working on my side hustles / dreams when working a 9-5? How do I stoke that go-getter fire if I’m slouching at a damn Dell monitor for one third of a 24-hour day?

—Mackenzie

Mackenzie!

I began this reply with an energizing exclamation point, ‘cause you got to get your energy up if you’re gonna escape them gerbil shavin’s you’re buried in! And unless you’re gonna burn your board up with Adderall and crack, you’re gonna have to hit them bricks with fine, fine Nikes in high-motion blur. Literally.

Now, you got to create the energy you need from within. That’s difficult when your job is killin’ your ass, but success is hard (Mother Nature reserves it only for a tiny fraction of a percent of her players), and the sad path you’re on is only gonna get worse and harder to escape with every minute. (Close your eyes and picture blackness. That’s death. It’s in the Uber, comin’ from the airport. It will rotate its head robotically toward you when it pulls up in front of your window.) 

But there's a good first step. You ever been on a walk? It ain’t just easy, it’s also a fun excuse to buy nice shoes. Walk six miles a day for a month, no complaining, Sundays off. You don’t have to go fast. Just go get those miles. GET THEM!!! Pretty soon you'll start to have energy again, and that investment will build other good habits and self-care instincts. GET THEM!!!

Oh, I almost forgot! Also don’t eat any food that was made in America. J. Michel Balanquin, this video diet coach I had during Covid, had me try that approach for a month. It was like takin’ off a space suit filled with wet plaster. 

I’m stoked you want to escape that nasty wheel! Write me back and let me know how you’re treadin’ the grass fantastic, slappin your ass with your heels all gymnastic!  

Ray, The Art of The Entrepreneurship of Life Advisement 

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Most Esteemed Playa,

After a long time on the Bench of marriage, I find myself unceremoniously pinch running in the dating pool. I do not want to play poorly for unwanted prizes. Neither do I wish to scrape scraps from the human lint trap and reconstitute it, like shoddy, into something that holds up as human connection under only the most cursory and untested scrutiny. I don't drink, so the classic barmeet is not such a great option. I've gotten a phone number here and there in the neighbourhood, but almost uniformly plans get cancelled. I seem to have a horrible talent for giving the families of women who make plans with me medical emergencies. I have spent a little time swiping on apps, but the people who seem interested in me are, politely, not interesting. Bit of a Groucho Marx thing going on maybe? Who's to say. It seems kind of like these apps are a video game for pretending you are doing things about making your life better. Like DuoLingo, for loneliness. I'm a little lost. When I read profiles, what women say they are looking for tends to line up pretty well with what I have to offer (credit scores and Going to Therapy and decently presentable in a way that she will not wake up in the middle of the night panting from a nightmare about a celebrity I have never heard of tempting me away with a sex position I have also never heard of). Help a player get his mojo back?

—Ben 

Ben, 

Okay, as far as getting your mojo back, what do you believe in? It’s real easy to have a spark with a lady if you have a fundamental belief in common. (Cornelius calls this “ideology,” but he just means beliefs, or opinions.) I have seen hella-unlikely couples superglued together because they shared a real strongly-held value, such as protecting the home with guns. I’m talkin’ fat old ugly-assed retired three-foot-tall business dude, with some Amazon spray-tanned muscle lady who has bleached hair and a white cowboy hat like Vince Neil. If those two can get rug-utty on the Idaho bearskin, I got way better hopes for a dude of sentences like you. Maybe try a writer’s workshop or book club (I swear these things are real, though I have never googled even one character of those words), or go see some small local stand-up. Also recently discussed around here is that yoga classes are a great way to meet single ladies who are in a good mood.  

Send us baby pics in nine months, or at least a sonogram that's pretty far along! 

-=DayRondo RayDondo=- 

PS The Random Nash is a great sex position for your more elite player. It’s based on the work of John Nash (that game theory dude), and involves five potential partners standing in a flat room, facing you. You hold up the palm of one of your hands, as though to “stop” them from coming at you, then close your eyes for five minutes. The one that is still staring at you is insane, and will be a hoot for a few days, until the insane stuff starts coming out. (This also works if you are female and the five are male, except after ten minutes they will all still be staring at you, and will continue to do so until you leave.) 

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Confidential to Gary_V in Minneapolis: Man, I been there, and the first time it happened it broke my heart — I was utterly defeated. What I had done was accidentally hit the brass nipple with the utility blade when I was usin’ the heat gun to remove the PEX pressure collar. Even a microscopic nick will cause leakage. Just get a new brass coupling and you’ll be fine.