October Flash #1 - "Noses"

Parkdale

1

They like the town, from what they’ve seen so far.

“A sweet little hamlet,” Deb says as they arrive at the rented house.

“What is a hamlet?” Jeff asks. Because sometimes his wife uses the most pretentious words, and sometimes he likes to call her on it.

“Little town,” replies Deb. She takes a deep breath, because her husband often likes to split hairs when he’s nervous, and it always makes her want to tell him where to go.

“Where everybody knows everybody,” supplies Miss McKay, the property agent tasked with showing them house.

“Right!” Deb says, feeling vindicated.

“Nice,” says Jeff. It’s not clear if he means the definition of Deb’s hackneyed vocabulary or the house the company has rented for them.

Crossing the threshold, Deb would agree with the ‘nice’. It’s a 3-bedroom detached home, with one of those single-car garages might just fit their Ford Kuga, and a front garden that might justify the purchasing of a lawnmower.

“Ready to live in,” Deb says admiringly as she walks around the living room. She likes the soft colours, she’s reassured by the blankets and throw cushions. They’ll be comfortable here.

“It’ll do,” agrees Jeff, clocking the wall-mounted TV and soundbar. He’ll be adding a Sky Q box soon enough.

Miss McKay nods approvingly. “Shall we look upstairs?”

Deb nods, leading the way with fresh-faced enthusiasm. “It’s just so cozy,” she says. “I’m so relieved.” Half-way up the stairs, she looks down at the agent and adds, “I’ve never rented something without seeing it in person first.”

Jeff sniffs. “What about all those Air BnBs?”

“Not the same thing,” says Deb. She reaches the landing. “We’ll be here for at least six months.”

Miss McKay nods. “If this is going to be your home, even for a little while, it should feel like one.”

The main bedroom is larger than Deb was expecting, and she groans appreciatively at the en-suite. “Lovely.”

It’s Jeff who finds the first problem with the house.

“Oh dear. That’s going to be a problem.”

“What?” Deb calls. “What is it?”

“Come and see,” is Jeff’s helpful reply.

He stands in the hallway, peering in at the issue.

Deb scurries out of the bedroom, filled with dread at what her husband has found. Damp? Dry rot? Or perhaps it will be something petty. It would be just like him to rain on her parade. The house is perfect! Why does he have to spoil-

Deb stares at the nursery. “Oh.” She laughs. “I didn’t expect that.” She keeps smiling as she enters the room with Jeff. “We don’t need it, of course, we don’t have kids, but it’s very sweet.”

Jeff rolls his eyes. “Waste of space. This could be a study, or a workshop or something. And it stinks in here.”

“Jeff!” Deb exclaims. “It doesn’t stink, it’s just…probably baby powder.” She sniffs the air. “I think it’s rather nice.” She walks over to the cot. “Funny,” she says to Miss McKay who’s hovering in the doorway, “All the yellows and greens. Interesting colour scheme.”

“Decorated for twins,” Miss McKay says. “Boy and a girl.”

Jeff makes a huffing sound. “So will you arrange to take all this stuff out?” He points at the cot, the rocking chair, and the changing table.

“If you don’t need it,” says Miss McKay.

Jeff laughs. “We don’t.”

The agent nods, and then raises an eyebrow. “Sure you don’t like the smell? I think it’s lovely.” She makes a show of inhaling deeply.

Jeff sniffs. “It’s all right, I suppose.” He glances at Deb and notices the funny expression on her face. As if she’s caught in a daydream. He goes over and takes her hand. “Don’t tell me this is making you all clucky,” he says softly. And yet, he can’t be angry with her. He can’t be angry about anything. Because the agent is correct; the smell is lovely, and it’s especially strong now, so strong that he half-expects to find the room filling with a dusty fog.

“Baby powder,” he mumbles, and he smiles when Deb squeezes his hand.

“Isn’t it nice,” says his wife, her voice slurring.

“That’s it,” says Miss McKay walking over to join them. “That’s perfect.”

Jeff notes with alarm that Deb is unsteady on her feet, until he notices that he’s wobbling as well, the whole room seems determined to set them off-balance.

“Have a sit down,” says the agent, helping both Deb and Jeff down to the ground. She crouches in front of them. “Keep on smelling,” she says brightly, and it’s Deb who points at the agent and giggles. “You got a funny nose!” Deb says, and keeps on giggling, before her eyes glaze over.

Jeff looks at the agent and understands that his wife is right. Miss McKay is wearing something on her noise, like a filter.

The agent smiles. “I’m not allowed to smell the pretty air, sweethearts.” She pats them both on the head. “But you do! You both get to have happy noses.”

Jeff blinks as his vision begins to blur. “Hah-pee…noze?” This doesn’t sound right. This sounds like a proper mix-up. “Mizz…” He tries again. “Mizz Muh…eye,” he trails off.

“Sweetheart,” says Miss McKay soothingly, and she gives him another pat on the head. “You can call me Nanny.”

2

Jeff wakes up. He sits up, which is tricky because his head feels heavier, his body feels weaker. He sniffs the air. Still there, faint but noticeable, the smell from before.

What did the woman call it? Happy noses?

Well, he’s not happy now.

Sitting up, Jeff looks at himself – curiously small and chunky, and disquietingly wearing a white bodysuit with writing on the front. He touches the lettering with a chubby finger.

He blinks.

No, he can’t read it. He frowns. Stupid upside-down writing! And there is warmth in his face suddenly, a tension in his core. He might just burst into tears.

Instead, he looks through wooden bars at the rental agent who is sitting in the rocking chair and feeding a baby.

Ah. Okay. Impossible, but Jeff understands.  They are in a nursery decorated in soft greens and yellows. There is a woman is bottle-feeding his wife, who is now a baby like him.

Obviously, he’s hallucinating. Without a doubt, this all feels far too real.

He clears his throat, squeaks out a request. “Help. Help me…” What was the woman’s name again?

The woman looks over. “Look who’s awake! Thought you might sleep the day away!” She smiles at him. “Your sister has nearly finished her bottle, and then it’s your turn.”

No. Nope. “That’s not…” begins Jeff, but his voice is garbled. He just sounds…red, he just sounds angry.

“Oh dear,” says the woman, “What a fussy baby!”

Fussy? Definitely. Jeff touches his cheeks, finds wet tears. And he has more to say, more to cry, because as he pointed out already, there is definitely a problem with this room.

“Nanny will soon put a smile on your face, just like your sister.”

Jeff watches, distracted into quietude as the woman takes the empty bottle away from Deb. Nanny – that can’t be the woman’s name, but it’s the only one that Jeff’s got – rests Deb against her shoulder and rubs the baby’s back in a circular motion.

When Deb burps, not once but three times, Nanny seems delighted. “Good girl! What a clever girl!” She brings the baby over and puts her down gently in the cot.

Clever girl? Jeff is far from convinced. Deb sits there, a glazed look on her face, milk dribbling down her chin.

And now Jeff can read the wording on Deb’s matching bodysuit:

I’M THE GIRL

(Yes, we’re twins!)

He groans. He fusses one more. He picks at the lettering on his own chest with stubby fingers. He’s so red right now, he’s the opposite of a happy nose. And he frantically tries to explain all of this when Nanny picks him up and with a deft finger checks his nappy.

“All dry,” says the woman.

Jeff feels more red. Of course, he’s dry. He’s not supposed to be a baby!

“Your sister woke up wet, but she was perfectly happy, once she got her nappy changed.” Nanny carries Jeff to the changing table. “But it’s not the nappy that made her happy, not really.” She picks up the bottle of baby powder. “It’s this stuff.” She smiles down at him and Jeff sees that she’s wearing the filter over her nose like before.

She squeezes the bottle above him, letting white powder fall like sparkling, befuddling dust.

“I’m so glad you like your new house,” Nanny says, watching Jeff’s face as the angry redness fades, leaving a dazed, innocent expression. “Your mummy likes it as well. And you two are just perfect! Once she saw your childhood pics, she knew you’d be perfect together. And you’re already bonded, see? Husband and wife, now brother and sister. You’re just too cute!”

Jeff gazes at the woman who has reduced him to infancy. He knows about betrayal before he doesn’t; he makes guesses about his new mother until he doesn’t.

“Happy boy?” asks Nanny. “Happy nose?”

Jeff sniffs on command, and his nostrils fill with the scent, his mind expands with the perfect possibility that he’s back at the beginning.

And then he sneezes, startling himself before he giggles. He doesn’t know about sneezes; he really doesn’t know much at all.

Nanny laughs. “Bless you! You’re just too cute!” She kisses his noses and Jeff burbles and drools as his mind reduces to match his sister’s.

THE END

A couple arrives in Parkdale but are confused about why their new house has a fully stocked nursery for twins. - Rick