Chapter 73 — Baobei, Better You Than Me!!! (All-Patrons)

“H-HeEeEEElpPp!” Gritting his teeth, the older Athanasiou freezes in his tracks, his fists clenched so tightly that veins bulge, nearly painting his skin a bluish gray. "AleX, ALEx!!! Help ME!”

It has always been him…

He was there to help when the boy was bullied for his inability to cast;

He was the one who changed his diapers and wiped the sweat from his forehead when he was sick.

Their parents were seldom around, locked away in their Workshop.

There were times when the two wouldn’t see them for months…

Hence, Alexios had to take on too much responsibility, too young.

“PleAse! It burns—it burns—it burns!!!”

It has always been him to protect his brother, but even Alexios knows his limits.

“Forgive me, Serios, but you’re on your own this time.”

He’s done all he could;

If his brother still dies, that’s on him.

Rushing to the exit, he pauses again, though not out of pity or a misguided sense of responsibility this time, but because something sharp is hovering right above his Adam’s apple. “Invaders… You have messed with the wrong people.” 

“… I can explain?”

Sheepishly, the Magus mumbles something, only to have the Soul slapped out of him by a horsetail whisk. Already exhausted from the earlier battle, Alexios gets knocked out almost instantly, collapsing to the ground like a sack of potatoes—or rice more like, given the soil upon which they stand… Or lay, in Alexios’ case.

“Human Cauldron Method—what a bunch of barbarians.”

— [Infinity] —

Lions, the majestic rulers of the Savanna, have dominated these plains for thousands of years. However, even the near-undisputed King has rivals, one of which are the hyenas.

While the Kings hunt in relatively small prides, relying on their sheer strength and size, the ‘Cravens’ roam in large packs, sometimes up to a hundred—packs that even the Kings and their prides dare not face head-on.

When caught alone, however, the giggling antichrists of the Savanna are no match for even a young lion without a pride.

In such encounters, the young feline will instinctively see them as an affront to his species and then carry out unspeakable acts against them, yet it is not merely death he seeks for the hyena, but a fate worse than. Such is life in the wilderness… Such is the cruelty of Nature that Humanity seens to have forgotten in the comfortable cradle that is the current Era.

If I could, I’d snap his spine and let the mangy mutt drag itself away.

Unfortunately, Apostles have this nifty trick called ‘Regen’…

Well, my thesis on the gang-like violence between lions and hyenas asides, the Leech has been screaming and screeching for quite some time now.

Understandable reaction, since he’s being atomized inside the Mystic Code, but a real hassle to deal with nevertheless, thanks to my Super-Hearing.

I never knew human vocal cords could reach such decibels, though Apostlehood might have altered his vocal cords and lung capacity.

But seriously, how is he screaming anyway?

At that temperature, even air should have broken down, and without air, how’s the vibration traveling outside? Makes no fucking sense.

Just as the thought concludes, the Cauldron pulses with light, isolating the sounds for me. “Huh… How do I know he’s suffering like this, though?”

The outer coat turns translucent imstantly, revealing the skeleton inside that constantly regenerates, only to be burned to ashes while its elongated claws keep scratching futilely at the glass-like surface. “Interesting.” This is not the first time I’ve interracted with the Cauldron. I have smashed Serios’ face against it upward to a dozen times, maybe more, yet the Mystic Code never reacted, until now.

“It’s True Ether, isn’t it?”

Unlike Magi, who simply draw upon the Greater Source, the Xian of China use Mana to refine their physical bodies.

The exact methods they use aren’t well-documented in the Tower, but it’s believed to involve extensive physical training and a lot of specialized breathing techniques.

Any artifact, or ‘Baobei,’ they possess—at least the higher-ranking ones—likely reacts only to a more refined form of Mana.

True Ether, Divinity, or whatever it is that the Xian utilize…

Thanks to [Primeval Reversal], I can now produce True Ether. “Nice find.”

I wasn’t expecting to gain anything beyond what was promised, and I suppose the Jade Cauldron qualifies as a ‘National Treasure,’ but hey, finders-keepers.

It's not my fault the Chinese never excavated the place. “I really must thank you, Serios. You’ve benefited me greatly! Maybe I should let you live, after all.”

Realizing my intention, the Cauldron directly channels the soundwave to the Apostle’s ears. The way his eyes light up with hope almost makes me cackle.

Bluebeard was right—there’s nothing more torturous than having hope snatched away right before your eyes.

“On second thought, nah.” I grin and mentally command the Cauldron to increase its output. That [False Star] was just one; I have nine left.

Serios Athanasiou thrashes against the Cauldron,  melted and burnt flesh sliding off, barely masking the vicious glare he sends my way.

"You're looking in the wrong direction. A little to the left, buddy,” I taunt, and the Apostle angrily–predictably–lunges, snarling with rage. “Good boy. Sit tight, I’m sure you will die… Eventually.”

“DAMMIT! DAMMIT! I’LL KILL YOU… I’LL KILL YOU!” 

“I’m sure you will.”

In his dreams, maybe, and I doubt those will be pleasant given the circumstances.

“In the meantime, this is going to be your home until you die.” 

“OR ESCAPE!” Serios growls in response. 

“Possible, but I doubt it.”

If the Cauldron could withstand my punches and a [False Star], there are probably very few people—and things, can’t forget about things—on Earth that can pry it open.

“The Emerald Heart Cauldron?” 

Fancy-ass name… A staple of Xianxia.

Alrighty, then. “I accept you into my camp.” 

I’ve got no idea how to claim a Baobei, but I’m definitely not leaving this behind.

Aside from the Apostle trapped inside, this might just open the door for me to the Xian Arts. 

Smearing my blood on the Artifact like I’ve seen or read about countless times, I smirk as it reacts as expected, glowing and shrinking until it fits perfectly in the palm of my hand. It’s not even hot, despite the intense flame raging inside. 

Entering territory without announcing myself—checked. 

Excavating a historical site illegally—checked. 

Stealing ancient Artifacts—checked. 

“Oh God, I’ve really turned into a Brit…” Hurriedly, I examine my teeth, breathing a sigh of relief when I realize they haven’t gotten all fucked. “Phew.” 

“I have seen enough… Stealing from us; causing destruction to an important historical site… Oh, and using the common people as Cauldrons—bastard!" 

Slowly, I turn to the woman dressed in a Chun-Li Chinese onesie so many find hot, and smile.

“I’m kinda concerned about your priorities, but for the record, I had nothing to do with this…”

I pause, glancing uneasily at the stains and discarded organs smeared all over the walls and floor.

“Well, I had nothing to do with the human sacrifice part, anyway.”

“Do you think I’m blind and deaf?! Taste my Chakram!” 

“Chakram is an Indian weapon, though… Seems like a strange choice for a Chinese Daois—" I barely manage to get the words out before the damn thing zooms at me at Mach 2, crackling with lightning that reduces the cavern to a pile of rubble. "Okay, that was definitely not my fault." 

"Look what you made me do!" 

What the Hell? 

"What are you—a fucking weasel?" 

I didn't even do anything; that was all her!

Grabbing the cackling Baobei out of midair, I frown. “Miss, while I certainly appreciate your enthusiasm, I’d suggest you be reasonable.”

It doesn’t matter how this looks, the job of an Enforcer’s to properly investigate before coning to a conclusion.

It's literally Enforcer #101!

“Does the Court not teach its agents any fucking manners? I'm warning you, calm down or get knocked into next week—your choice."

"You—! You're dead meat!"

Suddenly, the Baobei expands within my grip, its edge digging into my naked palms while I hiss.

I can overlook the electrocution, but this?

She's definitely getting slapped for that.

Killing her might trigger an international incident or start the next Investiture, which I have no desire of being embroiled in. Giving her a good beating, on the other hand? That's on the table.

As a Centrist, I see no issue with giving a so-called ‘flower’ the beating of her life—the beating her Xian Master should have given her to curb her rowdiness early on. Seeing the Artifact split into eight more copies, each edge cutting deeper into my palms, I grit my teeth and stubbornly apply more pressure, forcing the duplicates to occupy the same space while they begin vibrating at an increasingly higher frequency.

This isn’t my doing; not this time.

“You—You! What are you doing?!”

Ignoring her outburst, I compress the Artifact further until its integrity starts to falter and cracks begin to appear on its shiny surface.

“STOP!”

Naturally, I don’t listen.

I’m not that big of a half-witted donkey…

And just like that, her Chakram shatters to pieces, exploding into a rain of sharpnel that I immediately incinerate with [False Star].

Just as not all Men are created equal, neither are Baobei.

Some can unleash sword beams the size of a city; some can reverse causality; others can withstand several of my D-Rank punches and survive—absorb even the equivalent of several tons of TNT all fine and dandy.

And then there’s her… Chakram, was it?

“NOOOO!”

The girl screams tearfully, but with the skin of my palms peeled and the flesh beneath turned to mush, it should be pretty clear why I’m not in a sympathetic mood.

“How dare you?! That was a gift from my Master! You’ll pa—”

My shin connects squarely with her face, sending the Daoist flying into a heap of trash and dust—just where she belongs.

"Next time, try talking a little less. No one will think you’re mute if you just shut the fuck up."

Either her voice’s too shrill, or the pain’s fueling my anger to the point it’s distorting my perception.

Grabbing my Cauldron, I try to store it in my Ring, and surprise-surprise, it works!

I expected the Pocket-Dimensions to cause some kind of adverse effect.

Maybe the colliding dimensions would create a black hole, trigger an explosion, or set off some kind of alarm, but it manages to store the Heart Cauldron and the Apostle without any issues.

Then again, the Ring doesn't actually store things in a separate Dimension; instead, it converts them into pure information and keeps them in its hard-drive…

A hard drive that’s nearly full.

The Emerald Heart Cauldron takes up a lot of space, apparently, it and Serios both.

Releasing the Cauldron again, I check on the Apostle inside.

Interestingly, he doesn’t seem to notice anything, though the Athanasiou appears to be… Glitching out a bit?

To be fair, the Storage Ring’s not really meant to store living beings.

The fact that the Apostle is Undead might have circumvented this rule, but in a sense, he is still somewhat alive(?).

It’s only natural he gets a little less… Solid after such an ordeal.

“… The melted flesh is being drained away…” 

The Emerald Heart Cauldron serves several purposes.

Firstly, the Baobei has the abilities of [Shrinking] and [Magnifying], allowing it to become a hundred times smaller or larger than its typical size.

Secondly, it has a self-propelling, telekinetic [Flight] capability powered by the Daoist's Od. And then there’s the “[Great Pill Formation]?” 

After reviewing the [Developer’s Option] notes, I snort.

The Cauldron can transform practically anything and everything into Xian Pills, granting the consumer a random ability derived from the objects—or people—that were used as ingredients.

Of course, the odds of an Immortal Pill forming are relatively low and based on the quality of thr ingredients provided, but the Cauldron will do all the work…

In essence, it is a 1st Generation, Magical Automaton designed to create Pills as efficiently as possible. Terribly convenience, I must say.

If that were the end of it, I would be cheering with joy.

Unfortunately, the final function—the [Six Path Reincarnation]—has somewhat dampened my enthusiasm. 

“You sly dog, you.” I mutter in grudging admiration. Expertly concealed, the Taoist Spell essentially allows the Xian who originally possessed this Baobei to take over the body of anyone who uses the Pills concocted by the Cauldron.

If the possessed individual is too weak, the process can be drawn out.

In such cases, a wisp of Spiritron is added to the Pill, gradually infiltrating the person's Soul. Since this is Nasuverse, having two Souls in one body will lead to the demise of one or both.

To counteract this, the [Six Path] uses the residual medicinal toxins to create a small ‘Core,’ which keeps the wisp isolated until the time is ripe. Alternatively, it can attempt a full possession outright, which it is trying to do with me. Sad thing is, I can’t destroy the [Six Path Reincarnation] Seal. I can’t even scratch the Cauldron, in fact, which means I won’t be able to use it.

The trade-off is too great…

It’s like nurturing an apple tree your entire life, only for someone else to harvest the fruits.

No thanks, I’ll pass.

“Unless…”

Sadly, I no longer have [Transfiguration].

I’ll refill the Slot tomorrow and see if it can break the Seal, or at least disrupt it, but until then, the Emerald Heart Cauldron can still be used as a private prison / torture chamber AND a defensive Mystic Code.

Though it has been modified with malicious intent, its core functions still work as intended. “Nice haul.”

Placing the Baobei back in containment, I stumble toward the unconscious Daoist.

I doubt she came alone… A Ritual of this magnitude likely involved a few more Daoists accompanying her. They’re probably waiting outside or battling Alexios. In case they’re as trigger-happy as the one whose consciousness I just kicked into next week, she’ll serve as a useful hostage. 

Grabbing the Daoist by the scruff of her neck, I start making my way up the cavern, only to hear the Xian-in-training mumble something under her breath. “Up already? That was fast.” 

“B-Bastard…” 

“Yeah, yeah. At least be more creative with the insults.” 

At my taunt, her fair skin twitches, revealing large, blackened veins while her muscles writhe and worm beneath.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake… Why can’t any of you assholes ever stay down?”

I did hold back my punch—technically a kick—but that should have put most Magi in a time-out.

To be fair, physical strength isn’t exactly their strong suit, but still…

“BASTARD! GIMME BACK MY BAOBEI!!!”

Her slender physique is gone…

The noodle arms that couldn't hurt a fly are no more…

Even her beauty has dipped.

What was once a stunning, albeit irritating Daoist has transformed into the unholy offspring of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Ronnie Coleman, who had been shooting up roids and cocaine up her veins her entire life. The worst part? While her face has become more square, it hasn't actually grown larger.

From where I stand, it looks like someone has put the head of a deformed Barbie on the body of a Hulk figurine; painted it bronze and call it a day.

With a heave, foul-smelling steam escapes through her clenched teeth as she strikes a pose; the movements causing her onesie to rip.

I've never seen something so ugly yet so impressive at the same time, but apparently there really is a first for everything.

“KYAAA! LOOK WHAT YOU DID! LOOK AWAY, YOU PERV!”

This fucking bitc—! Like I want to see that hot pile of garbage!

There’re hot muscular women… And then there are Spacemarines with wigs.

Guess which category she falls into?

"First of all, trying to act cute doesn't work when you look like muscular Shrek and sound like Darth Vader who turned to smoking after Padme’s death! Second, I didn’t do anything! You tore your own dress when you posed!"

"I won't forgive you!" She screams, her voice deeper than Batman's after a pack of cigarettes. "You have to marry me, or I'll tell Master!" 

"Get lost! It's not like I got you pregnant!" 

"You did! Master said if a guy sees a girl naked, she'll get pregnant." 

Oh boy, she’s one of those, isn't it?

The clueless / retarded archetype.

Oops, I mean mentally impaired.

Is that politically correct enough for you?

“That’s not how reproduction works!” I yell as Shrek barrels toward me, muscular arms thicker than my thighs reaching for my shirt while I bolt up the stairs.

“Come back, you have to take responsibility!”

“Fuck you! Take accountability for your actions!!!”

Seeing the natural light streaming in through the entry, I breath a sigh of relief.

Once I’m outside, I can escape the ‘they/them’ Daoist using [Air Platform].

I’ll pick up Alexios on the way out… Our business in China is done, anyway.

‘Bastard had better be waiting outside.’

Sure enough, there lies the Magus, sleeping like a log while five Daoists gather around his unconscious form. 

They glance at me, I glance back at them, and with a silent understanding, we all turn our attention to the entry of the cavern where the Chaos Spacemarine is clamouring her way up.

Then, they pivot on their heels and bolt. 

“She used it! She used it! Aaaaahhh!” 

“WHAT THE HELL? Why are you running? Why are you running? Restrain that crazy bitch now!”

“Screw you, if you want it done, do it yourself! Better you than us!”

Glancing back, I shudder seeing the Daoist…

She’d tower over the God-Emperor himself in a size contest.

“Fuck this…” I mutter, grabbing Alexios by the belt and soar past all the Daoists. 

I don’t need to outrun her; I just need to be faster than them. 

With a wicked grin, I kick the Daoists off their Flying Baobei, cackling madly. 

“BASTARD!!!” 

“YOU PIG!” 

“SHE’S COMING, RUN!!!”

“HELP!!!”

“Better you than me, asshats!”