The Suit that Made the Man Ch. 3 (Unedited)

The Suit that Made the Man

By: Bubbajack

Co-Authors/Editors: Icysnowsage, First Hassan

Special Consultant: Heliosion

Special Thanks go out to my Super Donors: Alexander Murry, Ben wanless, Blacksanta557, Bobby Glass, and Jareth Norris.

Ch.3: Sugar High.

A sophisticated woman in a white business suit reclined in seat in first class, polishing off a glass of wine as the Boeing 747 began its descent to LAX. She was a stunning beauty, white hair flowing down her back like an arctic ice sheet, eyes like the sky on a cloudless day, and in their depths a keen vulpine intelligence,  while her eyelashes and eyebrows would often bring to mind icicles to those who caught a glimpse of her face. All in all, she looked like a piece of modern art carved of marble or ivory. Her name is Koko Hekmatyar, a known arms dealer.

Beside her was a woman wearing an eyepatch over her left eye, the other was a bright amber, and her raven black straight hair stopped at her chin, wearing a much simpler but no less elegant black suit. Turning to her she asked, “Koko, why are you bothering to indulge this person? From what he told you over the phone, he sounds insane.”

“He might well be insane Valmet… but, there is a chance, however slim, that my newest client Mr.Harris is not insane. That’s he’s seen things none of us, none of you have ever seen… and if that’s the case, I want him. Not just his business as a customer, but as a part of my squad. His experience should we ever come up against something… petranatural would be invaluable.”

‘I can protect you all by myself Koko! No gross monsters or insane boy ever needs to come near you!’ Valmet thought vehemently to herself.

“I appreciate the thought Valmet, but it’s always better to be safe rather than sorry,” Koko said, playfully patting her most loyal bodyguard on the cheek, just as the Boeing’s wheels hit the runway.

“Oh did I say that out loud?” Valmet wondered.

“You did but it's fine, meet the others by the luggage and make sure Yuggo gets the rental car. Let’s see what this Mr. Harris is all about shall we?” Koko said, grinning like a Cheshire Cat as Valmet blushed just a little in embarrassment.

(...)

As she got in the back of the nondescript white van along with Valmet the rest of the crew was already waiting. Ugo was behind the wheel grumbling at not being able to drive something nicer. Lehm, the gray haired former delta force major slapped him on the back and said, “Cheer up Ugo, our new client was buying so much ordinance, plus we’re heading into the ‘burbs we don’t want to stand out.” 

“Speaking of him Lehm, what did you manage to dig up on Sunnydale for me?” Koko asked as she held out a hand for a manilla folder that her head of security promptly handed her, all while giving her a debriefing.

“From what little Tojo could dig up, Sunnydale California is a hotbed of gang activity; how the national guard hasn’t been called in is anyone’s guess. They have five times the national average per capita when it comes to deaths. Five times… On top of that, they’ve got missing persons cases going back almost to the town's founding. What’s more, this town has more churches and graveyards than the Vatican to boot. I dunno what’s going on in that town Koko, but it stinks little lady.”

Koko thumbed through the dossier Tojo had put together for her deep in thought, ‘Hmm, could Alexander Harris actually be sane after all? Massive graveyards, churches on almost every corner. Could they be real? Vampires?’ She was both thrilled and horrified at the thought. Thrilled for it meant something out there was preying on the humans she hated so much but also horrified for if the plan succeeded… instead of the intended goal of world peace, it would instead be bringing about a second golden age for all the beasts and monsters that humanity had beaten back and regulated to naught but fairy tales and superstition. Her hands were actually shaking in excitement, as she thumbed through the pages as soon she would have her answer one way or the other. The more she read about Sunnydale and its history, the more eager she was to meet her client. He, she was certain, would have the answers she sought. ‘Well Alexander, are you a madman, or are you crazy like a fox?’ She wondered to herself as she looked at the picture Tojo’s contacts had managed to snag of the boy he was young, late teens early twenties just shy of six foot with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Average grades for someone in the college prep class which meant he’d be a straight A student otherwise. Among the sheaf of papers were his  known associates Willow Rosenberg, Elizabeth “Buffy” Anne Summers, and Jessie McNally missing since last year as well as several drunken disorderly calls to his house concerning the boy’s parents. ‘Curiouser and curiouser. Is that why you picked up a gun Alexander? To have some control in your life? To find your missing friend? To make something of yourself? Hmm, I do so look forward to meeting you little protector of man.’ 

As the van drove on Koko found herself tapping the armrest impatiently wishing she could tell Ugo to go faster! Speed Limit be damned! ‘But that wouldn’t be practical,’ she told herself. ‘It wouldn’t do to be pulled over for speeding with God knows how many guns and ammo in the car. We’d get arrested and I’d never hear the end of it from Kaspar.’ 

“Something wrong Little Lady?” R asked. “You’ve been awfully quiet since Lehm gave his report.

“I’m rather intrigued by this new client.” she told R honestly. “If he’s willing, I’d like to hire him onto the team. Even if on a consulting basis.” Koko replied easily.

That made everyone’s ears perk up. Koko Hekmatyar didn’t just hire anyone, they all knew that. ‘So, what makes him so special?’ They all wondered to themselves.

(...)

Xander felt a strange tingle go down his back, “Someone must be talking about me. Hopefully she is a sexy woman.”

‘Could be a curse. You have some natural magic resistance from Hank’s body overlapping with your own. I had piss poor magic resistance and was cursed to boot,’ remarked Kiritsugu.

‘Magic was never brought up in the research files on my birth. However, I was made as close as genetically perfect as possible. As long as you exercise properly and eat healthy you should live a long life. Your body can clear most basic toxins and I hesitate to see if you can even get drunk or buzzed from a cigarette.’ explained Hank as Xander got dressed for the day. In fact something did catch his mind.

“Wait, can you guys see what I see?”

“Yes,” was the unanimous reply from all three men.

“Does it get awkward seeing me naked?”

“Not really. Honestly Xander after all the dead bodies of men, women, and children, you get a little desensitized to nudity,” explained John calmly.

The weight of the three men in his head weighed heavily on Xander. They were more than just role model’s for him of what a man can be but also people who have fought the fight most scoff at. While others basked in the warmth of the son his ‘uncles’ fought in the cold darkness of the underworld. It brought a sense of realism to everything Xander has gone through. 

As the cold water washed down Xander’s back he started to think about the world and how he grew accustomed to it.

“I am older because of what I have gone through. I didn’t have much innocence left did I? I tried to be humorous and the clown but in reality I saw the world from the bottom. Is that what it feels like to mature?”

‘There is more to being a man than just bravado and false courage. In my profession I was a man at the young age of ten. I had to slay the monster that was my own father. Your parents are no saints but at least they housed and kept you safe. My home was destroyed by my father,” mused Kiritsugu with a sense of misery and moroseness.

‘The men that gave me life were not good people. I was made to be perfect. I was not allowed a childhood and as far as my memories go. I was never a human really. I was just a machine taught to kill. I guess you could say I was a tin man who obtained his heart at some point. When though is the better question,” added 47 making Xander forget that of the three 47 had the possible worst upbringing all things considered.

‘I was a no name orphan. I was found on the streets and taught the ways of death. I built a name for myself and I pushed past the stories of man and became something worse. I was something to be feared. I was the nightmare that monsters hid and fled from. Let it be known Alexander. We are here to teach you. You will follow our paths. You will become like us but the question you need to ask yourself. Are you a man, a weapon, a monster or a new breed to this world of death?” was the ominous warning John gave as all three voices went silent to give Xander space.

“Shower thoughts sure are getting heavy these days. I remember back when I used to think about how many Twinkies I could fit into my mouth. But seriously, thank you guys. For not only teaching but trusting me to be something ….. Better,” was all Xander could comment as he dried off and got ready to leave early to prepare for his meet up Mrs. Calendar later in the day.

‘Remember she likes pink posies.’ John reminded him.

“Thanks John,” Xander replied as he slicked his hair back much like John had taken to doing when he used to conduct business. Xander had also taken to growing his hair out, as it could contain vast amounts of prana as long as he didn’t cut it. So it was a win-win for him really.

Putting on his slacks, dress shirt along with his suit jacket, and polished shoes, Xander looked at himself in the mirror. Seeing nothing out of place, he left the bathroom and prepared to leave the Summers residence. He had some flowers to pick up before school.

(...)

Swinging by a flower shop on his way to school, Xander arranged to have a dozen pink posies to be delivered to Miss Calander’s room around lunch time. ‘No need to draw too much attention to it,’ He thought to himself. ‘I don’t wanna embarrass her after all.’

So thinking he cruised into the milling line of students and was about to enter the throng when the voice of their dark overlord rang out, beckoning to him.

“Harris! My office, now!” Snyder growled.

“Yes sir, right away oh dark master. Shall I throw the switch oh dark master?” Xander muttered the last bit under his breath.

Entering Snyder’s dingy office, he didn’t flinch when the door was slammed shut behind him. He just waited to see what The Troll wanted as he sat down behind his desk, closed his eyes, and took a long breath. Waiting a beat, Snyder finally said, “I received a call from the Mayor this morning Harris. He made it clear, in no uncertain terms, that I am to leave you alone. So that’s what I’m going to do. But Harris, if your grades start slipping due to your job with the Mayor, there will be a reckoning. I promise you.”

Xander understood the not so veiled threat the annoying little man was giving him, and he wanted nothing more than to reach out and pop his head like a grape. But he was an assassin, he didn’t do something that was so easily traceable like that. No, he’d wait, watch and pick a perfect time to strike. When he did, everyone would be none the wiser that it was him, Alexander Harris the boy who Snyder said existed to be ‘placed on a sacrificial stone’ had brought him down.

Giving his best uncaring smile, he said, “Right, so if that’s all sir, I’m gonna be late for class?”

Scowling at him Snyder said, “Get out of my sight Harris, but remember, I’m watching you.”

“While I’m flattered you think I’m worthy of your attention sir, I’m not into men.” Xander called over his shoulder as he left the man's office, leaving his sputtering. ‘Xander one Snyder zero.’ the teen thought to himself.

(...)

The rest of the day went well as far as Xander was concerned. None of his classes felt difficult. In fact that cotton feeling he usually had in his head when he tried to concentrate on a lesson was gone and it now found it easier to both pay attention, and take notes on what was being said. ‘I wonder why I never noticed this before.’ He wondered absently to himself.

‘Before Halloween, you probably had some undiagnosed mental problem ADHD or OCD,’ Hank, aka Agent 47 noted. ‘My gene therapy likely cleared that up.’

‘And Willow’s parents are shrinks and never noticed… oof. Just another strike against the adults of this town, which I technically am one of now.’ Xander thought ruefully to himself as he glanced at his sister in all but blood who gave him a small smile, still getting over the hurt from yesterday obviously.

‘Remember Willow’s parents are hardly ever home, they’d need to be around you to diagnose you… not to mention paid for it. They were neither.’ Wick noted knowing almost no one did anything for free in this world. There were few true altruists in the world after all.

‘Not that my folks would care or could afford to treat me if I was.’ Xander thought to himself as he finished taking notes on the American Civil War.

Once class let out for lunch, Xander was stopped on his way to the slop shop by Miss Calendar who looked somewhere between irritated and amused. “Can I have a moment of your time Mr. Harris?”

“Of course Miss Calendar what do you need?”

Once the students had passed she said, honestly, “Thank you for the flowers… you really shouldn’t have though.”

She didn’t seem completely against his gift, that’s a point in the right direction as far as he was concerned, “I’m a man of my word Miss Calendar, we still on for later today then?”

“Yes, your remedial lessons will start after school as planned. Don’t be late Mr. Harris.” She said, giving him a pointed look.

The teen hitman responded with, “You know you can call me Xander, Jenny? We kinda banished a cyborg internet demon together so…”

This earned him a rueful smile. “I have to at least try and be professional Xander… so at least during school hours its Mr. Harris and Miss Calendar agreed?”

“As milady demands.” He replied, giving a foppish bow in response, earning him an eye roll and slight smile.

She waved him off, “Alright, off to lunch with you, you hooligan, I’ll see you after school.”

Janna Calderash watched him go, wondering just what kind of man was underneath the fool persona he often portrayed. ‘I shouldn’t even be thinking such a thing,’ she thought to herself, but she really couldn’t help it. Out of all the Slayers little posse Xander was the one she had the easiest time connecting with. Quick to laugh in the face of danger, with a firm stance against evil, and not completely technologically oblivious like a certain librarian, she had to admit, he cleaned up nicely. ‘Very nicely.’ She thought as she watched him walk away. She hoped to learn more about him through these magical tutoring lessons. Obviously he’d changed since Samhain and his newly acquired magic was just the tip of the iceberg. Janna always did love a good puzzle or mystery, hence her love of technology. It was different, new, exciting. She got a thrill from such things. Xander was giving her the same such thrill going up and down her spine… She bit her thumbnail as she dared even think about walking down that forbidden path?

(...)

School was out for the day but for Xander, classes had just started as it was time for him to meet with Miss Calendar. ‘I hope she can help with the whole bleeding out of all of my orifices thing. That sucked,’ He thought to himself.

‘Maybe don’t reinforce your brain all at once with no practice whatsoever?’ Kiritsugu offered with his tone as fine and dry as sand.

Xander nodded along, ‘Yeah, that’d do good for a start. Rome wasn’t built in an egg and all that jazz.’

‘A day, Xander, Rome wasn’t built in a day,’ Hank corrected him.

‘That too,’ The teen wetworker amended before he knocked on his computer teacher’s door.

“Come in, it's open Alex.” She called from the other side of the door.

Opening the door, he was pleased to find a vase full of pink posies sitting on her desk as Miss Calendar was doing something on her computer. Likely grading schoolwork. “Sup, Miss J?”

Glancing up from her work she offered him a quick smile, “I’m doing fine thank you Xander, have a seat and I’ll be with you in a moment. I just have a few more documents to go over. Yesterday’s assignments.”

“Take your time, I don’t have to be anywhere till bout six.” He said glancing at his watch that he wore upside down on advice from Wick on the glare attracting snipers.

“What happens at six? Do you have a hot date?” Jenny asked in a slightly bemused teasing tone.

The teen replied somewhat evasively, “I need to complete a business transaction of sorts.” 

“Oh?” His words had the opposite effect of catching his teacher’s interest. “What for?”

“The job I work for the mayor,” Xander half-lied quickly. “Who knew being a junior desk clerk meant being a gopher for everyone else basically.” He wasn’t technically lying, completing his arms transaction with Koko Hekmatyar was part of his job so to speak.

“Wow, so young and already have a respectable job,” Jenny said, clearly impressed. “Good for you.”

“Beats flipping burgers.” Xander replied with a grin of his own before he continued, “But yeah, the pay is good, and the hours are shit but it comes with benefits and they’re willing to work around school hours so it's not so bad.”

“I bet you get better pay than me,” Jenny said with a sigh, “Being a teacher is such a thankless job sometimes. Some… well okay, a majority of the students don’t even want to learn about how to use a computer unfortunately. Not like you and Mrs. Rosenberg.”

“They’re the future, might as well learn how to use them. I mean look at Microsoft.” Xander said with a knowing look at the bouncing screensavers of the four primary colors on the Window 95’s that dotted the computer lab.

“Yes, and they are only going to get more advanced as time goes on,” Jenny agreed.

‘Hey kid that reminds me, I gotta tell you about some stocks to invest in at some point. I didn’t die till well into the 2040’s so my intel might still be good,’ Agent 47 noted.

‘We’ll look into it later since we’ve got forty grand to play around with. Right now I need to focus on the hot teacher,’ Xander quickly replied. “Anyway magic training… What’s first? Pulling a rabbit out of a hat?”

Jenny scoffed as she came around her desk. “Hardly, no, what's first is you telling me exactly how you came to learn time magic, and how you came to the conclusion to use it on yourself so I know how best to help you.”

‘Consensus, is this a good idea or a bad idea?’ Xander quickly asked.

‘Back in my dimension it would be idiotic to just hand out the secrets to your magic just because someone asked,’ Kiritsugu hedged before adding, ‘But she can help you in ways we can’t. Physically being there is a plus we just don’t have.’

‘How sure are you that she’s not an enemy?’ John asked, ‘I mean helping you take down Moloch notwithstanding?’

‘I know next to nothing about her,’ Xander admitted. ‘She’s my computer teacher, a technopagan whatever the hell that is, and I’m a teenager. As far as I’m concerned teachers are robots who live at school and recharge when they're not doing their jobs.’

‘If you want my advice. Ask her to reveal something about herself as a show of trust. She knows plenty about you and your group, but trust can’t grow if it isn’t shown both ways,’ Hank advised.

“Okay, nothing personal Miss Calendar but… I have no reason to actually trust you with what I know about magic in general.”

The woman looked hurt, almost offended. “Xander I’m just trying to-” She stopped talking when he raised his hand.

“I know you're just trying to help, but I… well to be frank instead of Xander for a second, I don’t know much if anything about you. You're my computer teacher, a technopagan who last year came out of nowhere and saved our asses I admit but we kinda returned the favor by not narcing on eachother. So, if you want me to trust you with what I know, you gotta give me a reason to show you that trust.”

Jenny stared at him with her mouth agape and blinking for a moment before she clamped it shut. “That is a very mature, well thought out, and reasonable request Xander. You're right, I shouldn’t expect you to just reveal your deepest darkest secrets just because I’m your teacher. That’s an abuse of my authority and I apologize. Especially when it comes to magic. I know enclaves that would kill you for asking such a thing.”

“It’s no problem,” He said, waving her off, “But I hope you can tell me more about yourself as we go on.”

Jenny seemed to struggle with something for a moment before she said, “I can tell you something, but, can you keep it a secret? From Giles, from Willow and even Buffy?”

Xander narrowed his eyes suspiciously. “That depends, will keeping this from them put them in danger?”

The teacher shook her head, “No, it shouldn't, it has to do with my family history… and how it's intertwined with the vampire you know as Angel.”

“Explain please,” he spoke as politely as he could, but his tone made it more of a demand than a request.

“Right, this is what happened or so it's been told…” She proceeded to tell him everything. About Clan Kalderash, how Angelus killed the favored daughter and was cursed with his soul a century ago, and how she, Janna Kalderash had been sent here to make sure the curse didn’t break.

“Okay…” Xander said after a moment going through information Xander already heard from Angel himself,. “Okay… what breaks the curse?”

“Angel feeling a moment of perfect happiness.” 

“So if he feels perfectly happy at all for any reason… Then we have to deal with the Scourge of fucking Europe? Seriously, why didn’t you guys force him to kill Nazi’s during WWII or something and then wipe the slate clean?”

Janna opened her mouth… closed it, “That is a very good question I wish I had the answer to. Unfortunately the only answer I have for you is our memories are long and our grudges last even longer. I personally don’t care what Angel does or doesn’t do, and it's hard for me to hate him for murdering a Great-Grandmother I’ve only heard stories about, but I know the world is safer with Angel over Angelus anyday.”

“So Angel is basically sealed evil in a human-shaped can?”

Janna shrugged. “More or less?”

Rubbing the bridge of his nose Xander said, “Let’s… let’s just put all this aside for the moment and focus on why I came here. Help with magic. Besides being able to alter my own time axis I can make familiars, reinforce myself and objects, use minor rune magic, set bounded fields, use jewels to store magical energy as batteries and bombs… other things besides. All are mostly applicable in a warzone setting.”

Janna just stared at him bugg-eyed for a moment. “Are you saying you're a magical soldier?”

“Hitman but yes… as for how I got these abilities… well you can thank that mess at Halloween for that.”

Grimacing in recognition, Janna said, “Ah yes, a chaos spell of Greek origin from what I could gather.”

“Yeah, some jackass old friend of Giles thought it’d be a fun prank to play on Halloween I guess. Ethan Rayne his name was.”

“Right well… That’s a lot to go over Xander where would you like to start?” Janna asked.

Cracking his knuckles the not-quite teen replied, “Well Time Manipulation is kinda my bread and butter so let’s start there.”

And so they did, it was fifteen till six before they decided to stop, with Janna noticing the time before he did. “We made a good start today. Meet me here tomorrow and we’ll continue where we left off…” She paused before adding, “And if you’d like you can come to my house this weekend and we can have a longer study session that helps go over time magic theory and how it relates to other magics used such as aging ‘mystery’ and enacting magic.”

“That sounds great Jenny thanks. I owe you one,” He said as he raced towards the door.

Only to stop when she called after him, “You can feel free to call me Janna Xander, when we’re alone at least. I have said this before,” She knew she shouldn’t be getting so familiar with him, but it felt so damn good to be able to just be herself around someone and not have to wear the persona that was Jenny Calendar. Now committed, she was going to walk down this forbidden path, and see where it took her.

“No, you said I could call you Jenny, not Janna.” He reminded her with a smirk before he left the room.

“So I did, so I did.” Janna said, smiling a bit herself before she gave the flowers he’d sent her a whiff. They reminded her of her childhood. Back when she was carefree… and before her life became so damn complicated and intermixed with Clan Politics. Sighing, she thought. ‘Simpler times.’

(...)

Xander arrived at the appointed meeting place over twenty minutes early. The place in question was one of the many abandoned churches in Sunnydale. He picked it not only because it was abandoned, but because he knew a church would be less likely to have his dealings with Miss Hekmatyar interrupted by the undead. For though they may rise from their graves, the undead leeches avoided the churches themselves like the plague. Proving that at least the churches themselves were considered hallowed holy ground and thus, off limits to their kind. 

He had various reasons for arriving early though. Firstly, he was of the opinion that if you're early you're on time and if you're on time you're late. Secondly, he wanted to make sure Miss Hekmatyar and her crew were on the up and up so he got there before them and was now scoping the place out, intending to find a place to watch from while they unloaded his merchandise. ‘I could go up into the steeple but that’s kinda obvious for a sniping position.’ Xander thought to himself.

‘It’d be the first place Kerry, Hank or I would check.’ John confirmed. ‘But that’s good though, you're learning fast kiddo.’

‘The tree?’ He guessed next. An old beechwood tree was out front, its boughs heavy with foliage.

‘That’d be the second place I’d check but they probably think you're crazy, a rank amature or both. In truth the best possible hiding spot would be to use the manhole cover there and to boobytrap the more advantageous positions. Snipers expect you to be higher up, what they don’t expect is for you to be beneath their feet.’ Hank informed him.

‘Humans aren’t trained to look up which is why snipers have an advantage… but no one also expects a human to pop up out of the ground either… So why not surprise them?’ Xander reasoned. He knew there was a gas station just down the road and the uncles in his head could see the plan he had in mind.

‘You want to toy with the arms dealer and her posse? Is that wise?’ Kerry asked.

‘Maybe not, but that’d be one way to make them take me seriously huh?’ 

‘Yeah, it could also get you shot,’ the Magus Killer reasoned.

John interceded on Xander’s behalf. ‘Ah c’mon Kerry! We all know normal bullets can’t kill the kid. Not between Hank’s near superhuman constitution and your magic circuits. Besides he needs to start really building his rep somehow. What better way than getting one over on some seasoned pros?’

‘True…’ The Magus Killer admitted albeit begrudgingly. ‘Alright fine, but if we’re going to do this, we’ll do it properly… Does that gas station even sell glitter and glue much less paintball equipment?’

“The guy who owns it, Gonzo, is a weird guy who stocks all kinds of things a gas station normally shouldn’t have.” Xander confirmed. “If anyone would have weird crap like that, he would.”

Kritsugu let out a sigh in Xander’s head, ‘Okay, let’s go see then.’

(...)

Team Koko pulled up to the derelict church having followed the address given by their current customer. The moment the van came to a stop in front of the place Lehm said, “I don’t like this. Why meet in front of a church? An abandoned church at that. It’s too open with too many possible lines of fire on the little lady,” Turning in his seat, the leader of Koko’s bodyguards said, “R, take a sniping position in the tree. I’ll take position from the steeple in the church. The rest of you, guard the Little Lady until our customer shows up.”

“Speaking of him, I don’t see him anywhere. We are five minutes early right?” Koko asked no one in particular as she was looking up something beyond the top of the line computer that ran off energy from the van’s battery.

“Yes Koko, and he’s nowhere in sight… could this be a setup?” Lehm asked as he got out the driver's side door, rifle in hand and headed into the church.

“I don’t think so. I think he chose a church for a reason. Think about it… if vampires are real they wouldn’t go near a church would they?” Koko spoke into her headset which connected her to her entire squad.

“You don’t actually believe this loony do you little lady?” Lehm asked moments before an explosion was heard from inside the church.

“Lehm!? Lehm? Can you hear me? What was that just now?”

“Mother… Pah! Seems like our customer has a poor sense of humor…” Lehm said before he came back out of the church… now covered in pink glitter that was covering his person. It was sticking to his clothes, his skin, and was all throughout his now mussed up hair.

Koko took one look at him and burst out laughing, “Oh… Oh God Lehm! You look like you lost a fight with an overeager eight year old! With a bedazzler!”

“Thanks… ppf! Thanks so much little lady for your concern… Bah this shit got in my mouth! R, do you see this brat anywhere? I really need to thank him for his hospitality.”

“Hang on a sec old man I’m almost in pos-” R was cut off when yet another explosion rang out into the night this one coming from the tree and this time, the remaining members of Team Koko could actually see a small cloud of pink glitter flying out from the leave of the beechtree… R also came crashing down from its branches covered from head to toe just like Lehm was.

“Oh! Oh damn! Two for two now! Hahah! I didn’t know I hired a pair of Barny the dinosaurs onto my squad!” Koko was laughing so hard she was crying at this point and Valmet couldn’t help but join in on her good mood.

“Some spec ops you two turned out to be, both of you getting outdone by some whackjob who probably had one bad acid trip and now he thinks monsters are out to get him,” She called out rolling down the window as she did so.”

“It’s not crazy if the monsters really are out to get you, you know?” A voice that Valmet had never heard before spoke from her right side, her blind side. Her head snapped over to see a young man in a nice suit standing right next to her. “Hi, catch,” He said as he tossed what could only be two IEDs into the van.

They exploded seconds later, covering everyone inside in pink glitter sans Koko because Valmet covered her like a human shield. Once his prank was complete Xander frowned to himself. “You know for a group of badasses I kinda expected more? Like, did you just not take me seriously or?”

The sound of a gun cocking got his attention. “Turn around slowly, with your hands on your head.”

“Oh, did I strike a nerve?” Xander said with amusement in his voice as he complied with the order. Turning and facing the annoyed older man who’d gone up to the steeple. Lehm if Xander heard Koko correctly.

“Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t shoot you right here and now?” Lehm said with a smile that showed too many teeth.

Xander deadpanned, “Because I’m playing you to do a fucking delivery job and your inability to protect your boss and lack of tatical foresight isn’t my problem?” He carried on. “If you’d taken a good look around you’d have noticed a manhole cover and realized there was a third possible place I could be hiding. Instead, tired from driving all day and in the dark, you parked right over it. Giving me direct access to your boss… also you didn’t take into account the fact that I or someone else might’ve trapped the blatantly obvious sniper nests?”

“Now, now Lehm, our customer is right. Just because we’re in America, land of the free home of the brave yadda, yadda, yadda, doesn’t mean we can let our guard down simply because we’re in a civilized country.” Koko said as she stepped out of the van, wiping a bit of glitter off her white coat sleeve as she did so. “I must say Mr. Harris, you made one hell of a first impression.”

Taking the handshake she was offering and kissing the back of her palm, Xander replied, “Miss Hekmatyr, we meet at last. I hope you enjoyed the show, and understand it was all in good fun?”

“My, my, a gentleman? In this day and age? How rare.” Koko found herself bemused. “I’m even more interested on learning if you claims on vampires and the like bear any weight Mr. Harris.”

“And I bet once you find out I’m lying like you think I am, I’m going to find myself in one of the graves out back right?” The teen hitman replied knowingly. “Yeah don’t worry Koko, I’ve got your proof waiting not too far from here. If you’ll all just follow me and please take one of these just in case?” He opened up a duffle bag that was full of freshly sharpened stakes.

“Wooden stakes really?” Valmet, whose back was covered in glitter, asked.

“Stab vamps in the heart and they dust, like you’ll soon see. But it’s only  in case Old Man O’Leary gets past me,” He said as he led the way into the graveyard speaking normally as he did so. “Jackson O’Leary showed up in the Obits yesterday having been stabbed in the neck with a barbecue fork by gangs on PCP. Drained of all his blood too,” Stopping in front of a fresh headstone that read Thomas James O’Leary 1928-1998, he continued, “They buried him in this graveyard because he bought a plot here some forty years ago. He should be rising from said plot soon.”

No sooner had Xander finished speaking than the ground in front of the grave seemed to heave outwards as if something inhumanly strong was trying to force itself out of the earth. Seconds later a human hand tipped with clawed nails of a bat forced its way out of the grave and that was quickly followed by a face that was neither fully human nor quite batlike. The eyes were sulfuric, the nose squashed and pug-like a mouth full of inhuman fangs greeted Team Koko they reeled back in shock as this inhuman thing tried to scramble from its earthen prison and get at them, like a rabid dog… a feral hungry beast.

Xander though just took one look at the thing, got a firm grip on his wooden stake and stabbed it hard right in the heart. Letting out a gasp like a deathrattle, the thing poofed into so much ash in the wind. Turning to the shocked hardened group of soldiers Xander asked, “So Miss Hekmatyar? I trust my demonstration has been sufficient?”

“T-That… was really real right? Everyone saw that?” The shocked nods of all of her bodyguards all answered her question. 

“Yeah,” They all echoed at the same time.

Koko took a breath, let it out, then took another. “Okay… okay… Ok~ay. Vampires are real. Mr. Harris!” She said suddenly dead serious. “I have a preposition for you!”

“And I probably have an adjective for you Koko,” Xander replied, nodding along. “Go ahead.”

“I would like you to join my squad… in particular I would like you to join to protect me from… from those things!” She pointed at the overturned grave.

‘Guys? Deal… or No Deal?’ Xander asked.

‘Hmm, I say do it, but with some conditions. Like being allowed to take other contracts. Make sure she pays you in Coin, not cash. That sort of thing.’ John told him immediately.

‘If you agree you want the current shipment of arms as a sign-on bonus,’ Kerry added. ‘Make her understand you need special tools in order to protect her from special threats.’

‘Consultant fee,’ Hank said, ‘For some reason if you're not there and the others need to know how to kill something, that’ll cost her a Coin, a gun, something. Nothing is free in this business.’

“I may be for hire… under the right conditions,” Xander began, “First you’ll only pay me in Coin. No exceptions. Second, I reserve the right to take side work. I'm a hitman not a bodyguard. Third, I want that ammo and a workshop as a sign-on bonus. Lastly, if for some reason I’m not available and you need my expertise, I’m charging you for the phone call. After all, time is money. If these terms are acceptable to you, then we have a deal. If not, then I’ll pay for my wares as agreed and we can all be on our way.”

“Why you little dictating to-” Valmet began only for Koko herself to raise her hand and look Xander straight in the eye. Smiling coyly, Koko said, “Normally I would never accept such terms but…” She looked at the grave again, “This is far from normal. Alright consider yourself hired Mr. Harris! How soon can you start?”

“As soon as I finish my current contract in town boss. Also call me Xander please.” He requested.

“Koko then. If I may ask, what is your current contract?”

“I’ve been hired by the Mayor to kill…” The sound of what could only be Koko’s van being flipped over could be heard. “A ghoul. Damnit.” He cursed to himself. Of all the times for Ford to show up, it had to be right the fuck now! “Everyone prepare to cover your asses! My assignment just showed up… also, if your religious? Pray.”

(...)

Word Count: 6,820   Number of Pages: 19   Date Completed: 4/5/2024

(...)

AN: Hello ladies and gentlemen! Welcome back to Suit that Made the Man! Chapter Three is hot off the press! Yeah! Xander’s luck even as an Assassin is bad… were he a Servant it would probably be E-rank… Yes. He has the best worst luck ever really. Like yeah he gets girls canonically… but they all kinda die… so I’m taking his whole best worst luck ever and twisting it a bit. He’ll still get girls, they just won’t die… even more terrible things will happen though. Like this. Just terrible timing on the villains part and things like that will be abundant. Anyway, here's Snowy and Hassan to finish things up! Till next time Everyone!

Snowy:

Hassan:

This has been an Inkblot Bros Production! Peace!

(Ford Could be either captured or from the scent of unique blood (koko) is drawn to the Jormungandr team when they meet Xander and attack them in his blood lust. (Thoughts?) Too soon?)