Living With This Chapter 5

Maggie felt a rush of intense emotion course through her. She couldn’t tag each one. It was a mix of excitement, pleasure, relaxation, and above all of that, happiness. She flexed her thighs to squeeze the thick padding she just taped onto herself. Her hands migrated to the base of the diaper. Her fingers slowly ran long-ways across it. She couldn’t stop herself from pausing for a moment to squeeze the sweet-scented garment.

“My diaper…” She whispered before closing her eyes. She felt immense stress slide off her shoulders. “This is my diaper. I’m safe in my diapers.” Maggie thought to herself. The bulky pillow between her legs provided a sense of security. There was no need to monitor her bodily function anymore. That’s what a diaper was for. It's there just in case you make a mistake. If you’re too busy, or in a pinch, and you have an accident. Even though she was standing in her kitchen, she still didn’t have to worry about publicly embarrassing herself. She didn’t have to worry about wet pants. It all went into her diaper now.

Maggie looked over at the five packs of diapers on the kitchen table. They weren’t the kind you get at the local drug store. These were diapers designed for heavy wetters. They weren’t thin, and they didn’t hide very well underneath clothes. In fact, if she wore anything tighter than a loose pair of cargo shorts. Any passerby could likely tell she was wearing a diaper. Even worse if she had on a pair of leggings.

She smiled at the packs. They didn’t elicit the same feelings of guilt they normally did. Maggie felt differently about them this time. They didn’t represent a ‘correction’ that needed to be made in her emotional and sexual life. These were her diapers now. Diapers that were meant to guide her into a new stage of her life.

“I can always go back into underwear if I really need to.” Maggie thought. Her brain initiated the same routine she’d practiced thousands of times before. Her stance widened. The pressure in her bladder spiked. Looking down at her diaper always made this part easier. She let the tension in her muscles relax.

Each ounce of tension released brought the stream closer. Until, it reached the very edge of Maggie’s body. She let out a sigh. The last bit of control faded.

The warm pee dribbled out. Each second the force grew. The inside of her diaper started to get hot. A dark yellow circle sprouted, then slowly grew wider. The stain spread from a circle, to the front and back edge of her diaper. The stream didn’t stop, even as she felt little splashes tickle her. It might take a second, especially at high volumes, but it would absorb every last drop.

“Mmm… Yes…” Maggie said she felt like she was standing in a warm pool of her own pee. To most people, they never experience wetting themselves ever again once they’re potty trained. For Maggie though, it was a feeling she craved the moment her parents took her out of diapers. The ultimate feelings of joy she entertained as her diaper soaked up an accident. Each second she spent in a wet diaper, the closer she felt to her truest self. She couldn’t suppress those feelings if she tried.

“24/7” Maggie thought, her now droopy diaper staring up at her. “Already off to a good start.”

***

“What were the major roadblocks that kept you from living your life like this before?” Lisa asked.

“I think the biggest challenge for me was the public perception. I was so worried about people finding out I wore diapers. Whether that be through something as simple as bending down in the store, and all the way to rumors about it from friends. We all have that natural instinct in us to be like the group. It’s primal.” Maggie explained. She felt more animated in the office than she did before.

“I can certainly see that.” Lisa said, she folded her arms and placed them on top of her legs. She leaned in closer to Maggie. “Then what changed? Was there a singular moment you decided you wanted to do this? Or was it a combination of long term thinking?”

“Both?” Maggie said uncertainty, her head tilted to the side and she shrugged. “I mean… I’ve always wanted to go back into diapers. Ever since I was put back into underwear. I don’t know why. Actually I’ve stopped trying to figure out why, because I don’t think there’s an intuitive reason. I think my brain is just wired like this. The best way I could describe it is it’s like I lost a limb. People talk about how they have phantom limbs after they have amputations. That’s how I feel about diapers. I feel like I should be wearing one all the time. Regardless of my continence levels. They are a part of me.” Maggie said, feeling content with her answer. Lisa nodded while she wrote on her notepad. After a moment, she looked back up to the conversation.

“Did you not have any doubts?” Lisa asked.

“Well, not until I started noticing things…” Maggie replied, her words came out shy, but she maintained eye contact with Lisa.

***

Maggie adjusted her mask while she stood in line. Not because she needed to, but in a feeble attempt to make people think her fidgeting was from standing in line, rather than the growing pressure in her bladder.

“I just went a couple minutes ago. How do I have to go this bad already??” Maggie thought, she tried taking her mind off the pain in her bladder by looking around the coffee shop. Her eyes scanned past the dark wood stained walls. There weren’t many people lingering in the shop to get a look at. If people weren’t waiting for their order, they couldn’t stay inside.

“Should I just go to the bathroom? I didn’t bring any extra diapers with me. This one is already kind of full…” Maggie thought, her legs did a test squeeze. She wasn’t soaked, but she was certainly wet. It could probably take one more heavy wetting; but she certainly risked leaking at that point. She looked to the left of the counter down the hallway.

“Oh fuck! That’s right… There’s no bathrooms open during Covid…” Maggie thought. As if to mock her, the pain in her bladder pushed again to the forefront of her mind. She was growing desperate. She subconsciously wrapped one foot around the other. Her legs weren’t tightly crossed, but it did help.

Maggie didn’t know what to do. She was only one person behind the register, and she was already starting a potty dance. She was a couple blocks from her apartment, but she’d have to go now if she wanted any chance of making it.

“Should I just go?” Maggie thought again. This time though she didn’t mean in a toilet. She meant in the already wet diaper between her legs. “I should have changed… Why did I think I could hold it for this long.” She scolded to herself. She didn’t have any more time to think about it. The person in front of her finished ordering. The girl behind the counter looked up at her to come forward.

“Hi there! What can I get for you?” The girl asked as Maggie unhinged her feet and stepped forward. That proved to be a critical mistake.

“Yes hi, can I have um…” Maggie trailed off, a stunned look washed over her face.

Her body acted independently. She felt a gush of warmth spread into her saturated diaper. She could feel it pool for a moment before absorbing into wherever it could find. It was less than a couple seconds later before that gush evolved into a light trickle. Maggie tried her best to clamp down on her muscles, but they felt too weak to hold anything back at this point. The best she could do was keep her bladder from dumping everything at once.

“... I’ll have a chai tea latte please.” Maggie said, she couldn’t stop it now. She had to move this along.

“What size?” The girl asked.

“Oh um…” Maggie said she was trying not to sound flustered. “Should I get a small? That way I don’t pee too much on the way back?” Maggie thought, “...I’m already going… I should be able to hold it a couple blocks…” She finished in her head.

“Large.” She replied. “I’m already soaked anyways.” She reasoned. Her trickle was steady at this point. She could feel some pee was lingering below the leak guards. The flow was just slow enough where it didn’t leak. The girl had no clue that Maggie was soaking herself, right in the middle of ordering.

“Thank you! We’ll call you when it’s ready.” The girl said, she motioned to the socially distanced waiting area to the side. Maggie nodded, paid, then walked to her spot. Her bladder wasn’t completely empty at this point, but a good chunk of it was now in her diaper.

“Might as well finish what I started.” She thought, she let her aching muscles relax. The flow strengthened into a steady stream of pee. It landed directly into the wet padding. Maggie knew how much she could release at a time without leaking by this point. She monitored the weight and feel of the not-yet absorbed pee in her diaper. She played it perfectly. It took a minute, but she got what was remaining in her bladder out without any leaks. Maggie stood there, in her drenched diaper, as the realization of what just happened hit her.

“Was that… an accident?” Maggie questioned. “No, no way. I told myself I could use my diaper if I needed to. How was I going to hold it all the way back home? That’d be like fifteen more minutes of pain.” Maggie thought, but none of that felt reassuring. “As in… I could have held it if I wanted to. It just would have hurt a lot. I didn’t need my diaper.” She continued. That still didn’t make her feel better. She knew that wasn’t the truth no matter how hard she tried to frame it.

“It did sort of happen, and in front of that girl. I couldn’t stop it. Although, who can stop it when they start going?” She thought, that did make her feel a little bit better. Until she realized that doesn’t typically apply to people who are going in an already wet diaper. “I didn’t even realize I was that wet. I thought it could take at least one more wetting. This thing is practically full.” Maggie stopped thinking about it for a moment. She let herself get distracted by the buzz of the coffee house. It felt good to ignore her potty troubles for a second.

“Maggie?” a voice yelled out from behind the counter a few minutes later.

“That’s me!” She said, before waddling over to grab her drink. Her fingers laced around the warm cup. It mirrored the same feeling she had between her thighs. Maggie turned around, and exited the shop as quickly as she could.

“Okay. I think I’m going with it wasn’t an accident…” Maggie thought, as her face felt the cool crisp winter air. “Just like how the one this morning also wasn’t an accident. I was in the middle of cooking breakfast, and I didn’t want to walk all the way across the house. I need my eggs just right.” She reasoned. Her mind went quiet as she walked.

Slowly, the memories of this morning, and what happened in the coffee shop drifted through her mind. She didn’t think of anything at first, just replaying them.

Maggie sighed, as it hit her.

“I’m having accidents.”

***

“You said all of this started with Amy, correct? That’s a common way for people to follow their truth paths in life.” Lisa said.

“She certainly helped. I was debating 24/7 all the way back in highschool. I had this weird image of me being the ‘diaper girl’ around school. That of course never happened, but I used to tell Amy stories about it. When we broke up she told me my AB/DL side wasn’t a phase, or a shallow part of me. It was all of me. Hearing that from her put me on the mental path to start accepting 24/7.” Maggie said.

“That makes complete sense. And your rising number of accidents didn’t deter you from continuing?” Lisa asked. Maggie shook her head ‘no’.

“I told myself to be better with it, and I was for a little bit. I didn’t just go the moment I felt the need to. But like anything that’s constantly hard, you slowly find ways around it. I like to think of it as holding a really heavy ball. If you don’t exactly need to hold the ball all day, there’s going to be moments where you give yourself a break. It gets harder and harder to come back from those ‘breaks’ once you start. There was never a day it all hit me in the face. Although, there were certainly moments when I realized I was reaching a point of no return.” Maggie said.

***

“Alright, all my clothes are packed. The pull-ups can fit right here. I have all my face stuff, my soaps…” Maggie muttered to herself as she dug around her suitcase. She scanned the contents up and down.

“Okay, what else do I need? Did I pack my hair dryer yet?” Maggie asked herself. After looking for a moment, she saw it wasn’t there. She lifted up off her knees, and started walking across the house.

“My hair would be a hot mess if I didn’t have it…” Maggie thought. She rounded the corner into the bathroom. Her hands instantly went to the cabinet built into the side of the wall. She opened it, and grabbed the hair dryer. She closed the door. Her eyes swiveled subconsciously to the bathroom mirror.

“Woah.” Maggie said to herself. Her eyes focused on the heavily drooping diaper between her legs. “Didn’t I just put this thing on like…?” Maggie thought, she looked at the clock on the wall. She didn’t want to believe the minute hand. “... Thirty minutes ago? These things are meant for 12 hour protection. I can’t be THIS wet!” She thought, her finger prodded the mushy front.

“I guess I have been drinking a lot of coffee, but still. I didn’t even realize I had gone for like…” Maggie said, she tried thinking back to the last time she felt the need to use the bathroom. That urgency had been few and far between lately. She felt anxiety creep into her chest. Not only didn’t she remember going this morning, she couldn’t piece together a time she was absolutely certain she’d gone pee in the past couple days.

“Wow, how much am I wetting? Is this normal?” Maggie asked herself on reflex. She already knew that answer. Most people don’t wet diapers anyways, and those who do certainly don’t at this frequency.

She started thinking about her trip. Were pull-ups really going to offer her enough protection? Sure, she might think that she could hold it if she tried, but when was the last time she actually tried to hold it? It doesn’t matter what it is in life. If you don’t practice something for months. You’re going to be rusty at it. For Maggie, she didn’t look rusty. It looked like she was starting over completely.

“I might want to swap those pull-ups for diapers.” She whispered, that idea brought another train of thought into her mind. “I’m… not diaper dependent… am I?” Maggie wondered. She honestly didn’t know the answer to that question. Her rational side wanted to say no. Sure she expected to have a weaker bladder by this point, but was she fully incontinet? Her droopy diaper certainly said so.

While that swirled in her mind, an even bigger question arose. Did she want to stop this? Maggie didn’t answer at first. She stared directly at her full diaper in the mirror.

“It’s weird how okay I am with all of this.”