Neighborhood Bull - First Draft
Added 2022-06-07 17:27:38 +0000 UTCHere's the whole damn thing. Went ahead and compiled the whole thing together, but new content in this is in Chapters 19, 20, and the small epilogue.
A large portion of Chapter 16 was binned because it added stuff that wasn't needed to resolve the story from where it stood. The stuff with the petition and the Landrys and all that was cut in favor of focusing on rumor to move things more efficiently to the David/Alisha chapter. It's still not a great section, but it does bridge into he last four chapters well enough. While I was doing that, I touched up the other stuff in 16 a little bit as well. Any references to the old 16 in 17 or 18 will be caught in draft 2.
From here, gonna let it rest for a week or so to get some distance. Then I'll do a thorough revision of the whole thing. I've kept all the notes everyone has given me in the document so I can revise with them in mind. Lots of scenes need punching up, timelines need clarity, some character moments need fleshing out. And of course a ton of grammar and punctuation fixes. Ultimately, the release copy will be put on here as an ARC for a temporary period before I put it on kindle unlimited. I don't think the Zon cares about drafts, so this one can stay up for posterity.
The good news is that if you're sick of this story, it's over! I'll take a little mental break in the back half of this week and then get some one shots out for June before starting on my next "chunk" story. Happy Reading!
Comments
I just re-read the Eloise transformation. It seems convenient that she gorges herself into a Level 3 but there is a part of me wants more scheming from the Blanc Herd and have it be an intentional exposure with Darcy/Evan plotting a bimbo dumber than Tanya so they plant the seeds with Portia and others to leave the bread crumbs for Eloise to follow and where to look; the plan backfires with Eloise gorging on all the saved cum and not the prepared bait. I get that accidental Level 3 causes the mass conversion at the end out of fear of being found out now; it seems a plot hole or convenient that everyone was out of the house (unexplained) for Eloise to break in find the lab and consume the cannisters of cum. Up until that chapter it felt that someone (or group of them) were always home with Darcy being the one to really venture out regularly. Also I'm rooting for 'evil to win' and would rather Eloise be caught in a trap more than her scheme her way into getting what she wanted.
Red Panda Seven
2022-06-11 00:45:16 +0000 UTCYep, I'm convinced. I'll make a note to add some small sections to the interludes chapter for Sarah and Jen. Emily gets mostly fleshed out through the Rose chapter, but maybe some more stuff for her, too. In turn, the final scene with those three and Evan will broaden out a good bit.
Quixerotic
2022-06-08 20:26:28 +0000 UTCI agree with Jen being a secret FUTA kink makes the most sense; I understand in the revision we miss out on the Sarah/Sam scene since the Laundry's had to go but there were parts of it and the dealings with Emily that those two seem established enough that it doesn't fit the character presented where Jen seems a third spinning plate with a lot of possibility and honestly having more interaction with her I'd be a happy side-story that wouldn't detract from the main dish presented. Also she seems with the limited words about her the most likely to commit and seize the chance to fulfill that kind of fantasy.
Red Panda Seven
2022-06-08 20:14:30 +0000 UTCAbout halfway through, I'd put a lot of the table because that's what I normally do with things like Crimson Reborn. Make sure there's plenty of stuff so I can go which every way is fun. For this, I realized after I'd set up the possibilities that pursuing each of those threads would take a lot of focus from the main characters and generally make the situation more complex. That said, my feeling was mostly based in a "oh dear god I need to get to the ending or this can go on forever". Now that I have the ending, it's much less of a worry. A subplot of selling a bullock mixture to men in the neighborhood would make sense. Doubles the client base and primes the scene more for including more dick in the finale. Could be done without too much overall upheaval with Jonas coming later with the different formula allowing him a permanent transition. Which brings me to a big issue I intend to address in draft 2. Sasha was always meant to be a shadowed hand guiding Darcy's exploration of other transformations, but I didn't seed the finale enough. So, I intend to better establish how they get to the different formulas and generally clear all that stuff up. And yeah, now that I think about it, there's no reason to dumb down Emily/Sarah/Jen. Having them take a modified version of Darcy's transformation makes sense, and it might be a good place to include a futa. Jen seems like she'd be lowkey into having a big dick. fyi: sorry if you got notification blitzed, I hit enter to send before I meant to
Quixerotic
2022-06-08 20:02:02 +0000 UTCHaving spent time to reread the entire story from the go I was pleasantly surprised by the resolution. The part that feels rough is we end up with a Chekov Gun moment were we get a bunch of possible transformations and never really explore any of them. The mention of them made me think we'd at least get to experience them in part or explore them to some extent; but once summer was time skipped into the fall, I'm left feeling there was a wasted opportunity to do the 'temporary' bullock transformation recruitment drive. Get dudes paying to have larger dicks and more stamina to go with the transformed women. I get it One Alpha lots of Cows trope is what sells but never recruiting males to help fuck the cows before the accidental Jonas change seems like a missed avenue (also could have led to the rumors and what fuels the finale). The other one is I am sad we never got a FUTA out of this. Darcy et al becoming mad scientists and succeeding with an unknown formula with Jonas seems too lucky and out of thin air. I would have preferred some mishaps over the summer with customers and recruits or seeing the failures. I get Sasha was guiding them but it seems the "Beta Bull formula" was something Darcy creates untested without help from a scientist. Trial and error of the different formulas as they try to perfect it for when they seize the 'hood. Even if it was trying to restore some brain functionality to the consorts so they were less robotic and more part of the scheming. My only other gripe is that at the end of the day I get it is a Himbo/Bimbo story but I would have liked to see more intelligent consorts like Darcy come out of it; especially with Emily/Sarah seeming successful business people and could have been useful 'franchising' Shady Ridge. As it stands you got the neighborhood and the only intelligent consort left feels like Darcy.
Red Panda Seven
2022-06-08 19:33:32 +0000 UTC
