Skinny Island: Part 7

Xiang

Dear Diary,

It’s almost my last day on the island and I have to admit, I’m having some feels about leaving. This place has turned out to be so much more eye opening than I ever thought anything could be. I’ve learned about beauty, self-esteem, fashion…And I’ve learned a lot about myself.

I feel like I’ve done more than just lose weight, though I absolutely have. Trust me, losing almost 60 pounds in just 2 months is INSANE, but I’ve never felt more comfortable in my own skin. Who knew that in a world where skinny is healthy and beautiful, the way to fit in WASN’T to try and trick everyone else into thinking things that you don’t even believe yourself? Sometimes I get really embarrassed when I think of how incredibly deluded I was when I first arrived here all fat and pouring out of my “premium custom bikinis.” I really thought that instead of just buckling down, going on a diet, and filling my day with fun and exercise, I could walk around showing off my flabby stomach to an island full of the most beautiful women in the world and convince them that I was just right and they were just wrong. I sold not a single bikini, and changed only one mind: My own.

Now instead of stuffing my face and crying over a sewing machine trying to make clothes that actually fit me, I’m spending my days on the beach having fun and taking REAL pictures for my ACTUAL modeling career.

(1)

That’s right, by the way. Ya girl is officially a Skinny Island model and brand ambassador. Going back to the states will put a damper on that right away, but I’m still getting paid to show off my weight loss results and promote the weight loss products here on the island. I’m trying really hard to not get upset at the prospect of returning to my old life after I’ve done so much growing (and shrinking) here. There are so many more gigs and ads to do here. We have our own budding cinema culture too, and I’d really love to be part of that but I can’t do that if I’m off trying to peddle weight loss supplements and diet plans to the fattest and most ignorant people on the planet.

And I would know. I was one of them.

I used to just sit around and do nothing but sew and eat. I never even thought anything was wrong with it because I was too busy being defensive about the fact that I was becoming obese but didn’t want to be told that my body was wrong and I needed to change it. Now I’m in a tropical paradise with games and adventure and soooo many beautiful people everywhere I go. It’s so hard to not cry about having to leave and find my apartment how I left it. My clothes there are all too big for me and my pantry is still stuffed full of junk and tbh I’m super worried that if I go back there I’ll slowly start falling back into the depression cycle or be unable to find clean, low-cal food to eat while still working a job I found overseas that still requires me to be skinny.

Worse still, I’m not even where I want to be yet. I weighed myself this morning and saw that I am 116 pounds. That’s pretty good for mainstream modeling, but for an islander I’m actually plus sized. They don’t call it that, of course. They say “Upper End” model but what that really means is that you’re still a work in progress and more about showing weight loss and improvement than a perfect figure that other women will idolize and strive to emulate. It’s the closest thing anyone here is going to get to openly calling you fat outside of “New Arrival,” but even then it’s not a mean thing at all. Here on Skinny Island, people are more focused on positivity and helping everyone to be their prettiest, tiniest selves instead of attacking anyone who doesn’t fit in.

So yeah. That’s where I’m at right now emotionally.

Funnily enough, I did receive a letter under my door from resort management that I’m kind of excited to read but just haven’t gotten to yet. I’m pretty sure it’s a kind of complimentary farewell package, but I’m hoping it comes with a discount code or something for a return trip later.

I guess we’ll see soon enough.

Valentina

Day 13

101 pounds- SO CLOSE!

Daily Calories: 1050

I’m amazed at how much this place means to me now. When I first came here, I was this fat loser recluse who spent all her time griping about the world without doing anything to find a place in it. Looking at me now, it’s hard to believe I was ever as fat as I used to be, though honestly I’m not even sure how big I was. A part of me says I was only 165, but there’s a deep, visceral feeling in my brain telling me that it was actually a lot more. I’ve stopped trying to decode and force the mysteries of the island to make sense and have instead chosen to just enjoy the benefits.

I know Xiang and Kelly are freaking out over the trip coming to an end. I’m pretty sure that neither of them want to go home; I know I wouldn’t in their shoes. The first thing I’d be scared of is a relapse and rebound. That’s the one thing I think that life here has really done *to* me as opposed to *for* me. I’m terrified of getting fat again. Or at all. I know that when I got here I was in complete denial, but now looking at new arrivals makes me shiver and thank my lucky stars that I don’t look like they do anymore. Or worse. Maybe. As I said, I intentionally lost track of my weight when I threw away my old notebook. Not that it matters. I’m sure if I looked at those pages now I’d. be disgusted by the emo cringefest that was practically every entry. Either that or I’d just pick up on all the times I was trying to tell myself to stay fat instead of enjoying my vacation and actually losing weight like I was supposed to be doing.

I do feel bad for the others though. Xiang’s dream career is finally starting up just in time for her to have to leave. Kelly’s been paranoid and upset for a couple weeks now, but you can tell that she’s having a hard time giving up everything we have here too.

As for me…….I don’t have that problem.

Yesterday I walked into my room and found a fancy note on my bed from the board of directors for the island resort. Or in other words, basically the mayors of the whole island. I opened it up and it was about how I’ve done such great work and how my progress has been incredible and inspiring.

And….

It came with an offer to stay.

Permanently.

I haven’t told my friends yet but I’ve already accepted the offer. The second I read the words I practically jumped out of my skin to go ask a bellhop where I would go to submit my response. I almost expected him to smile and tell me that I already had or like that he already knew or something cool and mysterious like that but…Nah. He told me to submit my response online, so I went back to my room and did it before something could take the offer away again.

So yeah, that’s me. The ending to my epic adventure is that…it’s not ending <3.

I’m already interviewing for positions as a newcomer’s guide or an “adventure specialist”, which is basically one of the people who leads the hikes and runs the ziplines and stuff. I know it’s always kinda been Xiang’s thing….but I also put in for some modeling work as well. I doubt she’d mind since I’m doing so much more now and the world is opening up to me now that I’m…

…Dare I say it?

I’m skinny.

For the first time in practically my whole life, I’m actually, factually a skinny girl. I can feel my ribs when I touch my chest, I’m getting a thigh gap, and even my collarbones are beginning to pop. I’m still not quite where I want to be yet though. I promised myself I wouldn’t ho crazy, but I really, REALLY want to achieve my new goal of getting down to a double-digit weight before the end of the year. With this place being my home though, I’d honestly be surprised if it took another month to get there.

I feel pretty. I am popular, and I’m even learning to accessorize when I go out for hikes or to hang on the beach.

(2)

This place is more than I could ever deserve or ask for, and now they’re even asking me to stay and live here as one of them. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but that’s what I want to do with my life. I’m gonna be a Skinny Island girl. A model even, maybe.

I love this place.

And I never want to leave.

Kelly

So today I got a letter from the island basically telling me “good job losing weight” and offering for me to stay her and live on the island as a permanent resident for basically free. I’d have to live here obviously and get all my stuff shipped to me, but I’d be able to leave the hotel and move to one of the residential zones. I’d have a house in a nice neighborhood, and all I would have to do is leave everything and everyone I knew behind and live a quiet, placid life of conformity as a member of the pro-skinny movement. Just starve yourself into a size 0 for the rest of your life and you too can live here!

…Rent free.

For Life.

With any job you want.

I know it’s meant to be too tempting an offer to refuse. I even thought that they were onto my attempts to shut them down and sent the letter to shut me up until Val came up and told us that she’d gotten one too. Xiang had just read hers and asked what we were going to do, but apparently Valentina made sure to accept before we could even discuss it amongst ourselves. Xiang tried to look conflicted but she obviously loves being here too much to leave. My guess is that she’s back in her hotel room submitting her application for residency as I write this. It makes sense for her to stay, honestly. They just offered her her dream job and she’s getting hit on left and right by only the sexiest men we’ve ever seen. And some women too, but I’m pretty sure she’s not interested.

Regardless, I’m almost positive she’s going to end up staying.

Which basically leaves…me.

I know what this place does to people, I just don’t know how. Why is an easy enough question to answer: patriarchal beauty standards and enforced conformity with an emphasis on being attractive and reinforcing the echo chamber. With my journal as it is, I might be able to go back to the mainland with it and expose the island for what it is, but something tells me that showing up with a travel log that I wrote myself saying I used to be 400 pounds and the island made me hot and skinny will not only get me laughed out of every room I bring it to, but even if they believe me, I’ll just be making the island MORE popular for having done it.

So what do I do?

My best friends are here, but my family is back in the states.

I have an apartment back home, but also the president elect is a psycho dictator who wants to take more than just my right to weigh a certain amount. I DEFINITELY don’t want to sit through another 4 years of an evil idiot on the news and a new crisis every day.

Is it bad that I’m worried I’ll get fat again? One thing this place really does is hammer in how important thinness is. Even I catch myself celebrating and getting excited for milestones now that I’m small enough to have the goals be meaningful. The thought of going back and having everything I eat be fatty, fake, and processed again is actually pretty perturbing. Even worse, the thought of watching myself gain any amount of weight has caused not one but TWO anxiety attacks. I know it’s extremely hypocritical, but now that I’m finally thin I don’t ever want to be fat again. Body positivity is….I can’t even write the word ‘great’ on the page of a book only I read without a disclaimer now.

Truth is, I hate fat bodies now. I think obesity is repulsive and that every woman should be as thin as healthily possible.

But I also know that’s wrong.

I never thought that way before. Those are thoughts that this place forced on me. Skinny Island brainwashes you into thinking that skinny and pretty are the same thing with no room for even the tiniest bit of pudge. Hell, I remember being jealous when Xiang told me she dropped from a C cup to a B and got stuck thinking about all of us losing our boobs for the rest of the day.

It’s just…wrong. It feels wrong to have all of this forced on us. Sure, we came here of our own free will, but that doesn’t mean we consent to being turned into thinspo.

*Sigh*

Thinspo like the girls on my phone that I keep taking creeper pictures of. At first I was just “gathering evidence” on how skinny women get around here, but more and more I’m just marveling at them and imagining myself so small.

It’s mind control. And body control.

This isn’t me or my friends or any of us and I can’t help but wonder what the other islanders used to be like before this place got a hold of them.

I took a walk on the beach to clear my head and just felt sexy and cute in a bikini for two hours instead of really contemplating. Plus, getting all the guys on the beach hitting on me didn’t help that much.

(3)

But now I’m here and time is running out, so….

…I guess I have a decision to make.