Dissonance - Chapter 25

The show went well, although I could see Kat giving Sydney the cold shoulder every time her teammate tried to talk to her. At some point, I’d have to talk to Kat about that and figure out what was going on there, especially if things kept progressing in with Sydney in the direction I thought they were progression. For now, since they weren’t being outwardly hostile, I just let it be. If it got bad or if Sydney directly asked for help with Kat, I’d do something, but I just didn’t have the mental bandwidth to deal with both Kat and my parents' bullshit. Right now, theirs had the potential of being a lot more serious than high school drama, so that’s what I’d have to deal with for now.

I normally got back well after midnight, so I texted Mrs. Phillips to ask her if I could stay there tonight. She replied that I could, although she warned me that she’d have to text my Mom and at least let her know where I’d be. I was pretty sure Mom would figure that out on her own, but I let her know that was okay. In spite of her standing up for my father, I didn’t hate my mother, and didn’t want her to worry about me. I just couldn’t bring myself to be around her right now, because every time I looked at her, I got disappointed all over again. Worse, my father would be staying back at the trailer tonight, and I very much didn’t want to have to deal with that.

I don’t know why I was so surprised when I let myself in through the back door to find Mrs. Phillips sitting at the kitchen table, waiting for me when I walked in.

“Ohh, I didn’t mean you needed to wait up on me. I’m sorry I’m so late,” I said.

“You’re not that late. I just wanted to check in with you and see how you were doing.”

“I’m okay,” I said, trying to walk through and head to Hanna’s room, where I’d be sleeping.

“Park it, kiddo. The price for room and board is sitting down and telling me what happened. You were pretty upset yesterday, and I didn’t press it, but two days in a row means something serious is going on. I only texted your mom, and didn’t pry, but I need to know what’s happening. I know your father came home. Is everything okay there?”

I flopped down in the chair, and for a moment, nothing came out. Ever since Dad came home, I’d been pushing my feelings deeper and deeper, trying to ignore them. Even after yesterday, when he finally showed his true colors and got physical again, I managed to push down on top of the rest. It was like the floodgates opened, as all the stress from the last year and a half finally let go. Mom, Dad, Brent, Marco’s bullshit, Kat’s instability, Aaron and his bullshit, Rhonda. All of it. I just put my head down in my hands and sobbed for the first time in I can’t remember how long.

I wanted to feel self-conscious, acting like a child in front of Hanna’s Mom, but I’d pushed one too many things on the mound of emotions, and the cork had been loosened. Thankfully, she didn’t try and say anything, she just let me get it out. Eventually I ran down until it was just sniffles.

“Sorry,” I said, wiping at my eyes.

“It’s okay. Sometimes you need to let that stuff out, or it’ll eat away at you. Now, how bad are things at home?”

“Bad. You didn’t know Mom before she thought dad was gone for good. The person you’ve known since we met was confident, sure of herself, and protective of our family. I may have acted like I hated it, especially when she put her foot down about my music, but I didn’t. Not really. It was such a change from the person she was before, the one who let Dad just walk all over her, no matter what the cost. I thought maybe she’d changed for good, but Dad comes back, and she just completely resets. She sings him as my co-manager, gives him access to my accounts, which he’s already started to abuse, and that’s not even the worst part. When she tried to get in between the two of us during an argument, he slapped her and tried to kick her. I kicked him out before he went any further, but she’s determined to just let him come back like nothing happened. I just don’t get it. He drinks away all of her money, and she won’t leave him. He beats on her, and she won’t leave him. I just don’t get it.”

“I know, I don’t think you ever will. Sometimes people are in unhealthy relationships, and they can’t break themselves out of it. I know your instinct is to try and convince her to get out, because you love your mom, but this isn’t something you’re going to be able to talk her into. It’s not that different from a drug addict, not really. She won’t leave until she decides she’s hit bottom. No one can do it for her.”

“Then I just have to stand by and watch as he drags her down again?”

“Yes. You can try and mitigate the harm. Protect her from him when you can, but you have to be prepared for her to respond badly to you instead of him. They say drug addiction is the hardest on the people that love the addict. I think with something like this, it can be the same, because you can only watch as the person you love hurt themselves over and over, or in this case, allow someone else to hurt them, and there’s nothing you can do about it. For you, all you can only make a choice. Do you want to stay and watch it, or get away from it, which might mean separating yourself from your family? Either option will be incredibly hard, since you’ll either have to sit and watch her be hurt, or cut her from your life, which I know would be pretty devastating. Both options will require you taking steps to protect yourself and your future.”

“Which should I do?”

“I can’t make that decision for you, Charlie. I know it sucks, but you’re old enough that you have to be the one to make that decision for yourself. If someone else makes it for you, you’ll never be able to come to terms with it, I don’t think. The only thing I can tell you now, is you can’t save everyone. I know your experiences with Kat have taught you differently, but this isn’t the same situation. If you try to do that here, you’re going to end up getting hurt even more, and it won’t help anyone.”

“I just don’t know. I feel so helpless.”

“I know, and that’s okay. You’re in the middle of it, which makes it impossible to see the entire thing. For now, I think the best thing you can do is just take yourself out of the immediate situation and give it some time. I’ll talk to your mom and try and convince her the best thing for everyone in this situation is for you to be outside of what’s happening. If she agrees, you can stay here with us for a while.”

“Do you think she’ll agree?”

“Probably, but not for the reason you’re hoping she will. It won’t have anything to do with protecting you. she’ll probably convince herself she’s helping your father by reducing the number of fights. At the very best, she’ll talk herself into this being a good way to reduce the guilt I’m sure she’s feeling, while not directly going against your father.”

“I see,” I said, hanging my head down.

I was crushed. I had already started to feel like there was no way to get her away from him, but I think part of me had hoped someone like Mrs. Phillips or Chef would tell me I was overreacting or that there was a way to fix this. Hearing I was right and all I could do was run away was the last thing I wanted.

“Charlie, I know this is going to be hard, but I need you to know, this isn’t your fault.”

“I know,” I said.

“No. You say it, but I know you don’t believe it yet. It’s not your fault. You’re still a child. None of this is your responsibility. I know it sucks and I know this is going to force you to grow up a lot faster than you wanted to have to, but that doesn’t mean you’re responsible for any of this. It isn’t your fault.”

***

I kept myself busy the rest of the weekend, mostly to keep my mind off of what was happening. Mrs. Phillips did talk to Mom, who agreed it would be best if maybe I stayed there for a few days until ‘I figured out how to keep from causing fights with my father,’ which was infuriating. I know Mrs. Phillips had told me, but until I heard that, I’d continued to hope part of her would fight for what was best for me, and in the end her. Instead, she still thought of it as how she could best protect him.

With that sentence, I realized this wasn’t going to be just the weekend. I didn’t know what it would take, or how long, it would take for her to decide to break out of the cycle she’d put herself in, but I know it would take a long time.

Since Kat was already staying in their guest room, Mrs. Phillips moved most of Hanna’s stuff out of her room, so I could use it. I felt really bad about taking Hanna’s room from her, and almost refused, until Mrs. Phillips called Hanna and told her on speaker what was happening.

“No problem,” She said when her mom finished explaining everything, including the loss of her room. “My last class ends at one on Friday. It’ll be late when I get back, but I’ll leave as soon as class is out,”

“You don’t have to do that,” I said. “Maybe I can stay on the couch?”

“Maybe you can find a way to live with my foot up your ass,” she said, and not in a joking way. “We have that old bed in the garage still, I think, from when I got the new one last year. We can move it into the room Kat’s in, and share when I’m back.”

“Ohh, fun,” Kat, who had been listening in said. “We’ll be roommates.”

“See, problem solved.”

“Hanna, I don’t want to mess up things here. I didn’t mean to push you out of your room.”

“Didn’t you just hear the problem was solved? Nothing is messed up. Kat, if he said that again, bop him on the nose with a rolled-up magazine.”

“You got it,” Kat said, smiling at me.

“Good. I have a study group in a few minutes, but I’ll be there Friday night. Okay.”

“Sure,” I said. “Thanks, Hanna.”

“It’s okay. Just take care of yourself, okay?”

“Sure.”

We spent the rest of Sunday moving stuff around and getting the spare bed set up for Hanna. I still felt bad that she was having to give up her room for me, especially since I hoped mom would eventually come to her senses and the move wouldn’t be permanent.

Of course, not everything had to do with me. Other people in my life had stuff going, which I was reminded of late Monday afternoon when I got home from band practice. Between Kat’s swimming practice, which had started picking up now that the school year was going again, her therapy, my training with Chef, and band practice, I didn’t normally see her until well after school when we both finished everything. Normally, she was in her room or at the dining table doing homework when I got home, and I’d join her there.

Instead, I found her on the couch with Mrs. Phillips, looking distraught. They both stopped talking when I walked in, so I figured this was something private.

“Sorry,” I said, turning to head upstairs to Hanna’s room.

“No, stay,” Kat said, almost a little too eagerly.

“Kat, I think maybe Charlie has enough going on without …”

“No,” I said, interrupting her. “I don't mind. Is everything okay?”

“Kat’s having a little crisis of confidence, and we’re trying to work through it,” Mrs. Phillips said when Kat didn’t answer right away. “She told her coach last week she was thinking of going to UNC, and that she wanted to set up an interview with their swimming program. I didn’t know this, but last year, she was scouted pretty heavily by teams around the country. I guess getting on the junior national team was enough to end up on some people’s lists.”

“I knew scouts had been out to see here, but I hadn’t heard anything since. Are they making offers?”

When Kat only nodded, Mrs. Phillips added, “Apparently so. She has a stack of them, but Kat has been pretty insistent she wants to go to UNC. They have a decent swimming program, but it’s not at the top of the list, as far as competitiveness goes. She apparently stood up to her coach and demanded they set up an interview, but now that her interview is coming up, she’s having some self-doubt.”

I wasn’t surprised she’d picked UNC, even if it meant not going to a school with a better swimming program. I’d still have a year of high school left after she graduated, and she was still scared of going somewhere on her own again. She might be recovering, but when she didn’t need to look to others for making decisions, I think she’d always need a pretty big safety net. She’d always be pretty susceptible to peer pressure, and people like Aaron who fed on that would be able to smell it on her a mile away.

She knew all of that, which meant she really only had one choice of college, and that was wherever Hanna was. Once I graduated, if I ended up somewhere else, maybe she’d have the option of switching to wherever I went, but I couldn’t imagine she’d ever go to a school where one of us didn’t go. At least not without being able to build up a safety net there before she went, which was a pretty big ask.

“Do you think you aren’t good enough to go there or get on the team? Because, if that’s the case, I can tell you you’re wrong. Not only are you smart enough to get in the school all on your own, you’re coaches think you’re so good, they don’t didn’t want you to do the interview because they think you’re too good for UNC.”

“It’s not that,” she said meekly. “They may like my application, but once they meet me in person, what will they think? They’re going to be asking me all kinds of questions, all of them staring at me and judging me. I don’t think I can take that. College coaches don’t want someone they have to baby all the time, especially a freshman. They have a whole team to worry about, they can’t put all of their energy into one person. Here, the coaches owed my father for paying for the school's new pool and athletic facilities. They had to treat me special, but college budges, even small programs, are in the hundreds of millions. Even if Dad was to donate a lot of money, which he won’t since our agreement that he keeps paying for my coaches ends once I’m out of high school. he has to pay for college, but that’s it. They’re going to see me for who I really am at the interview and say no. I’m going to end up working at the Ten Pin spraying shoes and cleaning the bathrooms.”

“Nonsense,” I said, forcefully. “You’re just scared. This is big and it’s okay to be scared, but not so much that you give up on yourself.”

“If you could go with me …” she started to say, and then trailed off.

“They’re not going to allow that,” I said. “I’d go in a second if they could, you know I would.”

“I know.”

“I’m going to be there in spirit though. I want you to listen to me. I will not accept you giving up or acting like you don’t deserve this. I believe you can get into any program in the country, if you want. Are you telling me I’m wrong?”

“No, I …”

“This isn’t a discussion. Are you going to disagree with me and tell me I’m wrong?”

“No.”

“Good. You’ve shown you can be damn near unstoppable when you want to, sometimes in ways that drive me crazy. If you can do that for something as unimportant as who I date or what our plans are for a weekend, you can definitely do it for your future. I want you to go to that meeting and be the very best you can be. I want you to be direct, forceful, and sure of yourself. I will not accept anything less than that and if you don’t get this, I’ll be very disappointed. Is that clear?”

I could see multiple expressions cross her face as I made each sentence sterner than the last. I hadn’t been as direct or forceful with her since she’d started therapy. Annoyed and angry, yes, but I hadn’t given direct commands to her since her doctor said I should wean her off of relying on my decisions for everything.

I could almost feel Mrs. Phillips staring through me as she said, “Charlie, I don’t …”

“One sec,” I said, interrupting her. “When is your interview?”

“Tomorrow after school,” Kat said.

She hadn’t broken eye contact with me once since I’d started giving her direction and I wasn’t even sure she’d heard Mrs. Phillips. I knew this would cause hell at her appointment, and I could see her practically vibrating, although I couldn’t tell if it was from relief or a hit of the old drug. either way, I knew why Mrs. Phillips who, as her guardian was actually involved in her treatment, was concerned.

“Good. You need to go get all your homework done and get a good night’s sleep, so you can do your best at your interview tomorrow. Go ahead and go up to your room. I’m sure Mrs. Phillips will be up there in a little bit to check on you.”

“Okay,” Kat said, practically hopping off the couch to follow instructions.

“And Kat?” I said, stopping her halfway across the room. “I know you’re going to do great. I believe in you.”

That had been the right thing to say, because she gave me a big smile before dashing up the steps toward her room.

As soon as she was out of earshot, Mrs. Phillips said, “I don’t think that was a good idea.”

“I know. I don’t either. But she also isn’t ready to do this kind of thing on her own yet. She made that much clear on the tour. You’ve talked to her therapist, am I wrong.”

“You’re right, I have talked to her therapist. No, you’re not wrong, but this is going to cause her to backslide. Worse, she’s going to know this helped get her over her insecurity and through an important event. The last thing we want is her treating her condition as a crutch whenever things get hard.”

“I know, and that’s going to mean letting her down the next time she asks for something like this, but you know how important this is. It’s still going to be several years of this kind of therapy before she’s able to handle something as stressful as this on her own. By then, she will have settled for community college or given up and really will be working at the Ten Pen. She’s the smartest person I’ve ever known and she’s on track to maybe get into the Olympics. What college program she ends up in will be a big factor in her future. I think this was worth it.”

“Maybe, but you’re not in charge of her treatment. You should have waited until I could consult with Dr. Rothstein before doing anything. You might be a bright kid, Charlie, but this kind of decision is way about my head, and definitely above yours. We can’t try and interfere with her treatment because we feel it’s the right thing. Not if she’s going to get better. I know the interview’s tomorrow, but we still had time to make a phone call.”

I grimaced, “You’re right. I know, you’re right. Next time I’ll try and be more patient. I just saw the answer and it seemed so obvious to me that I went for it.”

“I know. You’re good at making snap decisions, which will probably help you in life, but in areas you aren’t experienced in, it can also cause you to make mistakes. If you have all the information and experience in an area, then you can make snap decisions. Doing it when you don’t know all the facts, though, can make things worse. I know at your age it can be hard to slow down and think about consequences, and everything seems like life or death all the time, but you need to take things one step at a time.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” she said, patting me on the shoulder. “You’re a good kid and I know you meant well. Why don’t you start doing your homework down here while I call Dr. Rothstein and ask how we should handle things now that the damage is done. After that, we can all have dinner together and maybe get things back to normal, okay?”

“Okay. I’m sorry again,” I said.

She just shook her head and tussled my hair before getting up to call Kat’s psychologist.

***

Excitement, and distractions, from outside my own problems didn’t stop coming. The next one came from Cameron, who I hadn’t talked to much since school got back in session. he’d only been at lunch a few times, and we didn’t share any classes together. I thought maybe I’d see him around, or he’d even come to one of our weekend shows, but so far I hadn’t spotted him.

That changed Tuesday morning when he came running up to me just as I was getting out of my car. The speed at which he appeared meant he must have been waiting for me to pull up. I always used the same lot and parked more or less in the same area, mostly out of habit, every morning, so it wouldn’t take that much work to stalk me.

“Hey,” he said, almost breathlessly.

“You okay?” I asked.

I wasn’t concerned so much as confused. While I didn’t think he’d been actively avoiding me, and he could often be fairly dramatic, this was a bit more than normal, even for him.

“I’m great. I just found out that I made it onto the school paper.”

“Really? I didn’t know you’d been trying. Are you going to have time for that and theatre?”

“It’ll be tough, but yeah. I’d applied last year, but I thought I hadn’t gotten it when newspaper wasn’t on my schedule. Apparently, someone decided it wasn’t for them and dropped the class, which opened up a spot for me. I just found out last night.”

“Cool. I didn’t know it was such a big deal for you. I’m happy for you man. So, decided you’d rather be a journalist than up on the stage?”

“Hell no. The stage is still my first love, but I’m not an idiot. Most people who dream of Broadway never get it. Putting everything I have into just the one dream means I’ll end up living in a cardboard box out in one of the burrows in New York, working at some crappy dinner. If I can’t do theatre though, working in TV news would be a good second choice. It’s almost like theatre, but less people compete for it cause you need more than just a pretty face to make it.”

“I don’t know, I’ve seen the weather girl on channel four.”

“Okay, you usually need more than a pretty face. Seriously though, if I ended up at a newspaper or something, I wouldn’t be mad. I at least want to explore it, and if I want to minor, or even double major, in journalism in college, I need to have been on the school newspaper. So this is a big deal for me.”

“Ohh, well … congratulations,” I said.

I was happy for him, but I wasn’t sure why he was telling me. I mean, if he was at lunch and mentioned it, that I’d get, but he’d made a beeline for me, practically out of breath. As news goes, I wasn’t sure this warranted that kind of effort.

“Umm …” he said, all the looking nervous and not making eye contact, which was my first clue what this was really about.

“What do you need?” I asked, trying not to sound exasperated.

I liked Cameron, and I always appreciated his willingness to offer suggestions, especially with my music, but he had a tendency to disappear until he needed something.

“So, one of the things I might have mentioned when I submitted my application to join newspaper was I had an in to interview you.”

He didn’t elaborate, although I could hear the question he was asking anyway.

“Why would the newspaper care if someone had an in with me. I mean, it’s not like I’m not around all the time and available. God knows my history suggests people aren’t afraid to come up and say something to me. And I can’t imagine I’m all that interesting. I mean, yea, I traveled for the summer playing in very small venues, but everyone’s seen me play at the Blue Ridge, and that’s essentially the same thing. Hell, Kat’s got an interview with UNC to be on their swim team, is on the Junior Nationals team and is going to some big international meet before Christmas, and her coach is even talking about her maybe even going to the Olympics. Now there’s someone you should interview.”

“I pitched that too, and I was going to talk to Kat about that later, but you were the big get.”

“Why?”

“You’re joking, right? You have a freaking record contract! You’re touring across multiple states playing music. The Olympics is cool, but everyone wants to grow up to be a rock star, and you’re doing it.”

“Star is a pretty strong word.”

“Whatever,” he said, waving the point away like it didn’t matter. “You’re who people really want to know about. They’ve seen you play at the Blue Ridge, but everyone wants to see more. Ignore people like Harry. They’re just jealous of you. You should have seen the editor's reaction when I said I could get an in with you. He jumped all over it. trust me, they want to read about you.”

I’d been unsure when the guy from the Asheville Herald interviewed me, but that was for traveling music section and we were only one part of multiple groups interviewed. This was for people who actually knew me, and would focus specifically on me. Of course, if all of my dreams came true and I really did make it, I’d probably have to deal with this more often, so I might as well get used to it now. Besides, I could work in a mention of the album release date, and I was sure Kent would appreciate my getting the word out, even if it was only to a school paper.

“Fine. What do you need?”

“Awesome. thank you so much. You have no idea how much this is going to help me,” Cameron said. “What I was thinking was I’d follow you for a week's practice, making notes, interview everyone in the band, and then maybe watch you set up for a show. It would only really take the one week, and I promise not to get in the way too much.”

“Okay, but I have to get the rest of the bands okay on it before you just show up and start asking questions.”

“Sure. Totally. No problem,” he said without hesitating. “This is going to be great. Trust me.”

I did trust Cameron, but every time someone told me something was going to be great, things had ended up very differently. Hopefully this would finally break that pattern.