Dissonance - Chapter 13

"What are you doing here?” I asked him when I finally got my voice back.

“Is that any way to greet your dad?”

“It is when you should be in prison,” I said, looking past him to Mom, who was sitting across from him.

“He was released from prison,” she said.

While she wasn’t jumping for joy, she didn’t look or sound upset, which actually bothered me more than seeing him there.

“Sit down, sit down,” he said, pointing at one of the last unoccupied chairs. “So, you went and got a record contract? You really are a chip off the ol’ block.”

“What are you doing here?” I asked again, still not moving from the doorway. “You still had like five years till you could get parole.”

“He …” Mom started to say, before being interrupted.

“I have this Rebecca. You just be quiet and let me and the boy catch up,” he said to her before turning his attention back to me. “I know you’re surprised, but that don’t give you the right to be rude. I’ll explain everything, but sit down and maybe lose the attitude.”

His voice had that edge to it when he was just about to lose his temper. Normally, that only happened when he was drunk and, at the moment, he seemed pretty sober, but I recognized it anyway. I wasn’t twelve anymore and would have ignored it if I wasn’t still in shock over seeing him in our kitchen, so instead I closed the door and dropped my bag next to the fridge. Cutting a wide berth around him, I sat down, sliding my chair closer to Mom’s side of the table than his.

“Sorry,” I said.

“Good. Yeah, I got out. There was some big scandal in the county prosecutor’s office that prosecuted my trial, something about the DA sleeping with the judge that happened to be handling my case. They had a bunch of back and forth, and there was a class action lawsuit, or some such thing, and they ended up overturning all of the convictions won by the DA where her boyfriend was the judge.”

“Are they going to redo the trials?” I asked.

“I don’t know. I talked to my public defender, but he doesn’t give a shit. He said they’d let us know if they were. One of the guys I was in with was kind of a jailhouse lawyer and he said they could but it’d be hard. I know my statute of limitations isn’t up, so maybe. I figure we’ll wait and see. Until then, I get to come be with my family again,” he said, and looked at Mom. “You’ve done a real good job setting up a home here. I loved our life on the road, but this is real nice.”

“What makes you think you can just come back here, after everything,” I said, my surprise finally giving way to my anger. “We’re doing good, better than when you had us wandering across the east coast while you drank up every last dollar you could get playing any shit club that would take you.”

His smile changed into the face I remembered. The one he had those last few years as the drinking, and his temper, got worse. Mom reached across the table and touched his hand, and I saw his shoulders slump as he took a deep breath.

“You’ve had a long day and I know you’re surprised to see me, so I’m going to let that slide, but you need to remember I’m your father. I don’t know what your mother has been teaching you while I was away, but you need to find your manners real quick.”

I knew it wouldn’t take much more to taunt him into taking a swing, and I was ready for him. I wasn’t a little kid anymore. This time, if he decided to go after either me or Mom, I was ready for him. Mom, however, didn’t seem to feel the same. She gave me a pleading look. I leaned back in my chair. For her, I’d keep from pushing him anymore, but I wasn’t prepared to be nice.

“I apologize, but I’m still confused why you’re here. I thought Mom served you with divorce papers.”

“She did, but she changed her mind and they were never filed.”

“What?” I said, barely managing to keep the anger out of my voice as I looked at Mom.

She’d said she’d divorced him and acted like it was a done deal. After everything that happened in these last few years, I couldn’t believe she changed her mind.

“I thought, maybe we’d figure it out. We’re still a family,” she said, very deliberately not meeting my eyes.

“So, tell me about this tour of yours,” Dad said, not noticing the byplay.

“Sorry, but I was just stopping in to drop off my bag and grab a shower. We’re supposed to be in Ashville in a few hours to set up and do a sound check,” I said, getting out of my chair and pushing it back under the table. “I’ll be back late, so I’ll see y’all in the morning.”

“Charlie, I thought you were going to …”

“Leave him be,” Dad said. “I always got to my shows early to make sure everything was setup right, so I’m glad to hear he’s doin’ it too. Good to see you’re takin’ some stuff off your old man. We might make a success of you yet.”

“Yeah,” I said, giving him a weak smile before heading toward the back of the trailer.

***

“Back so soon?” Hanna said as I let myself in the back door.

Although I still knocked when I wasn’t expected, Hanna’s mom had given me the go-ahead to just come in when they knew I was coming over, so no one batted an eye about it. They were still all eating, but paused when I came in an hour before I was supposed to be there.

“Sorry, I just had to get out of there,” I said, my brain still scrambled from seeing my dad.

He and Mom were still at the kitchen table talking when I got out of the shower, so I made a hasty excuse and got out the door before anyone could stop me.

“Did something happen?” Hanna’s mom asked. “Is everything okay with your mom?”

“My dad is there.”

“Your dad?” Hanna said, surprised. “I thought he was in jail.”

“So did I. Something happened with the DA and they overturned a bunch of convictions, including his. He just got out and he was sitting at the kitchen table with Mom when I got home.”

“Is she okay?” Hanna’s mom asked, again sounding concerned.

I’d told them enough stories about how things had been with him, especially the last few years, that I didn’t doubt she was worried. Dad could be mean, especially when he was drunk, and he took it out on Mom more than once.

“She’s fine, although I just found out they aren’t divorced after all.”

“What?” Hanna said.

“Yeah. Apparently, Mom applied for the divorce, but never made Dad sign, and didn’t file the documents. I guess the court just let it drop, or whatever. I don’t know why she’d lie about it, but she did.”

“You should talk to her about it, Charlie,” Hanna’s mom said. “It’s okay to wait until he’s not there, but these kinds of things are complicated. It can be harder than you think.”

“What’s so hard about it. He hit her. She should leave him.”

“I don’t disagree, but relationships are tricky. You need to respect your mother’s wishes, as long as he isn’t doing anything now to hurt her or you. She’s an adult and can make her own choices. Do you know if he’s drinking again?”

“I don’t know.

“Maybe prison changed him. It does that for some people, and you two haven’t seen him in what, two years now? That’s a long time. Just take it one day at a time. If things get too hard, you’re always welcome to come over here, but don’t jump to conclusions until you know for sure. Now, sit down and I’ll get you some lunch,” she said, pointing at a chair while getting out of hers.

“Fine,” I said grudgingly, sitting down. “But if he starts on Mom again, I’m going to put him down. Hard!”

“Just think through your actions before you do anything,” she said, stopping behind me and patting my shoulder. “These kinds of situations can spiral out of control or be misinterpreted. Unless someone’s life’s in danger, it’s better to think through what you’re going to do; than just reacting out of anger, and making things worse.”

She was right, but I was still angry that he’d just come back like that and that mom had lied about divorcing him. Instead I just mumbled and sat there still angry while she went to get me lunch. In spite of the tantrum I felt like throwing, I did appreciate both her advice and the food.

“Since our homecoming has already gone bad, I might as well add one more thing to the pile,” Hanna said. “We have a problem with Brent.”

“What kind of problem.”

“Before the Richmond show, while you were doing the sound check, I went to check with the stage manager about the schedule, just to make sure everyone was where they needed to be and had what they needed for when the show started. He wasn’t in the production office, but Brent was, although he didn’t see me. He was on the phone with someone, and I guess he was so focused on that conversation that he didn't hear the door open. I was going to leave without interrupting him and go look somewhere else for the stage manager, but I heard him say something about your next tour, so I waited a second, thinking I might need to know what the plans were, if it was happening at the end of the summer or over Christmas break.”

“Okay,” I said when she paused.

I had no problem with her snooping on Brent if it meant she had unfiltered information about what he was planning for us. Every time I talked to Brent, I felt like he was trying to sell me on something. He always seemed to be shaping what he told me so that I’d agreed with whatever it was he was trying to convince me about. I didn’t trust him to tell me exactly what was going on or to make the right decisions for me. I did trust Hanna.

“He was talking about setting up a tour in September when the album releases. He saw me after a minute and asked for privacy, so I didn’t hear the whole thing, but it sounded like he wanted it to cover venues across the south, as far out as Louisiana and Florida.”

“How am I going to manage a tour that crosses multiple states in September? I can’t imagine they’re going to start ponying up for plane tickets for all of us, flying us out each weekend and back. We’d only be able to manage maybe one show each weekend. There can’t be any money in that.”

“I don’t think he was intending to keep the tour to just weekends.”

“I told him I wasn’t going to skip any school for shows. I said I’d be willing to do shows within driving distance on weekends, if I had enough notice, but I needed to be back home in time to get a good night’s sleep before school on Monday, and I wouldn’t be able to do any shows in the spring during baseball season.”

“I don’t know what to say about that, just what I heard.”

“Should I talk to him? Call Kent?”

“I don’t know, this is way above my pay grade. Maybe talk to Chef. He always seems to know what to do in situations like this.”

“That’s a good idea. I’ll talk to him tomorrow. Why did you wait until now to tell me?”

“It’s been a long week and we were having a good drive home. I thought it would be nice for you to go home and see your mom and have a good meal without worrying about that. We could talk about it at the show tonight. Of course, that was before I knew your dad was out.”

“Yeah,” I said, and then gave her a smile. “I appreciate the thought. There wouldn’t have been much I could do about it on the road anyway. I think you’re right that talking to Chef is the best bet. I appreciate you thinking about me, or at least my mental health.”

“What are friends for? Besides, you become a real dick when you’re stressed,” she said, laughing.

***

The show itself wasn’t the best one we’d had. There weren’t any major mistakes, but things were just ‘off,’ for most of it. The songs sounded rougher than they should have, mostly because we weren’t all in sync. The fault was mostly mine. I was in my head all night about Dad being back, and what that was going to mean for Mom and me.

Thankfully, the band seemed to understand I was a bit out of sync, and didn’t lay into me about it, although I needed to get my act together. We were only on the fourth stop of our tour, and couldn’t afford to coast on any of our shows.

I was also glad that Brent had to go back to New York to do something at the label. It meant that while I wasn’t able to talk to him about the deal he was trying to make, at least I didn’t have to deal with the label being concerned about our poor performance. Besides, I still wanted to talk to Chef about it. So, it didn’t matter that I’d missed the opportunity to confront Brent right away about what he was doing with our schedule.

We didn’t really need him for this one. Marco and Seth had played here before and knew the owner, so everything went smoothly, and Hanna had gotten well prepared ahead of time, so she had us where we needed to be, even without him.

Everyone was asleep when I got home and I managed to dodge Dad with just a few pleasantries before I got out the door to go see Chef in the morning. At some point, I’d have to deal with him, but I needed to figure out how I was going to do that first. Hanna’s mom’s advice was good, but I knew his good behavior wouldn’t last. Sure, he hadn’t done anything yet, but he would. He wasn’t drinking, but his attitude hadn’t changed. I could see that after only spending a few minutes with him. I knew things would come to a head, eventually.

I went to the Blue Ridge after the lunch rush, going around to the back entrance of the kitchen instead of through the dining room.

“Is something burning?” I asked from the doorway, looking towards the guys on the line.

Vinney turned around, probably ready to kick whoever dared enter his domain, at least while Chef wasn’t in the kitchen, and just shook his head when he saw me.

“Look who it is! Mister ‘rock and roll’ is gracing us with his presence. I’m surprised you remembered where the kitchen is, now that you’re off performing for your adoring fans.”

“A room full of drunks is more like it,” I said, shaking the hand he offered. “Is Chef around?”

“He just ran up to his apartment to do the ordering. Go on up, I’m sure he’ll be happy to see that the prodigal son has returned.”

I frowned at that. It wasn’t Vinney’s fault he managed to say the exact same thing Dad said the day before, but it gave me a knee-jerk reaction. Thankfully he didn’t notice.

“Thanks, man. I’ll come back down and see you guys after I let Chef know I’m here.”

He waved me off and I jogged up the stairs and knocked on Chef’s door.

“You’re home,” he said when he opened the door, stepping back and beckoning me into the apartment.

“Yep. Got home yesterday. We had a show in Ashville last night that went late, so I didn’t have a chance to come by then.”

“That’s fine. I know you’ll make time when you can. So, how are things? How’s your mother?”

I started to answer, and then paused. Chef cared about my life and what was going on in it, but he didn’t normally ask about my family unless he knew something specific was happening. He normally liked to get down to whatever business was at hand and rarely made small talk.

“You know, don’t you? You know Dad’s back?”

“I do. How has everything been going with that?”

I knew Chef had friends all over the county. He’d helped so many people and had been a part of so many lives he’d become the backbone of the community, but Dad got home the same day I did, and had only been there a few hours before I walked in the door. I couldn’t fathom how there was time for someone to see him, realize who he was, and tell Chef about it. At least it got us directly to one of the reasons I’d come to see him, but it still amazed me.

“Not well. He hasn’t done anything yet, and I only talked to him for a few minutes before I got out of there, but he’s still the man I remember. As soon as he gets a few drinks in him, he’s going to start up again. Guaranteed.”

“Has he taken any drinks since he’s been home?”

“I don’t know. I got home late last night, and he was already asleep. I stayed in my room, pretending to be asleep today until after the lunch rush, so I could come down here and talk to you. So I haven’t really seen him.”

“So other than that small conversation, nothing’s happened.”

“I know what you’re going to say, and Hanna’s mom gave me the same speech already. Maybe he changed in prison and maybe not, and I shouldn’t prejudge him until he does something. Give him a chance. Yada yada.”

“That’s not what I was going to say, although that isn’t bad advice. I was mostly just getting a feel for what happened so far, because you are very agitated about it already. I know you and your mother’s past with your father is troubled and I wanted to know if it was that past that has you worked up or something more recent.”

“Mostly it’s the past. He’s still a dick, for sure. He still has that attitude where everyone has to listen to him and he’s ready to lose his temper if anyone questions him. I saw that much, at least, when we talked.”

“Have you talked to your mom about how she feels about him being there?”

“No. They’ve been together or she’s been at work since I got home.”

“You should talk to her. Remember that this isn’t just about you. Yes, he’s your father and you have to deal with him, and he affects your overall family dynamic; but they were together before you were born, and have their own relationship. You only have another two years here and then you’re off to college and then your career, but if she decides she wants to continue her relationship with him, then there isn’t a cut-off for her.”

“Even if he’s hitting her?”

“No. If he’s actually putting her in danger, then that changes the situation; but, you can’t act on something that hasn’t happened yet. You have to have patience.”

“That’s easy for you to say.”

“It isn’t. Come here and sit down,” he said, pointing at two mats he kept in the corner of his front room, near a small meditation shrine he had set up, with a Buddha statue and a pot holding unlit incense sticks.

He’d had me sit there a few times, as he tried to teach me to meditate, but I knew he didn’t treat this area as part of his training. This was where he tried to calm himself and find inner peace, or so he’d explained to me, and it was very important to him and his faith. I knew him inviting me to sit down here was a big deal.

He picked up a small teapot he’d had heating on the stove and two small cups and brought them over, setting them in the place next to the shrine that seemed meant for the teapot.

“I know you were raised Christian, which is why I haven’t really talked to you about the spiritual aspects of Kung Fu. I told you I was raised at in the temple, but I haven’t really talked about what the temple was really like. A Shaolin temple is a Buddhist temple. We spend as much time learning about how to find inner peace, as we do in training our bodies. I’m not trying to sell you on Buddhism or anything, I’m just bringing it up as a way of saying there has been a part of your training that I’ve left out, but now I think there are some parts of it that you might find helpful.”

“Like what?”

“Right now, I think you might find Wǔcháng helpful.”

“Wǔcháng?”

“In Buddhism, we believe that there are three primary characteristics of existence and four noble truths. The one I want to talk to you about is Wǔcháng, which is the first of the three marks of existence. Wǔchángis sometimes called Impermanence, and is the belief that all of existence is transient, always changing and evolving. The understanding of this is one of the underpinnings of our understanding of the universe. Through it, we understand that everything in life is temporary.”

“That sounds depressing. If everything is temporary, then why bother doing anything?”

“I know it can sound like that, but the only thing our understanding of impermanence teaches us, is to accept that everything is bound to change. In the modern world, the thing society fears the most is change. It makes people uncomfortable, feeling disoriented and overwhelmed. The thing is, life is all about change. It’s neither good nor bad. We welcome changes we consider good, like gaining wealth or finding love, while trying to avoid changes we consider bad, like emotional hurt or physical pain. We fear not getting the good changes and we fear getting the negative changes. That fear clouds everything else in our life. We make decisions based on that fear, and not on getting the outcomes we want. Once someone embraces impermanence, they get rid of that fear. They accept that change happens. Sometimes good. Sometimes bad. Getting wrapped up in what that change means, will only keep you from dealing with the change itself. It’s better to accept that the change happened, and take that change for what it is, and do your best to change with it. Once you have the stability of acceptance, you will find it easier to take the next step; which again will be easier if you only judge the step for what it is, not fearing the change that will come from it.”

“So you’re saying I’m so afraid of what my dad will do now that he’s back, that I’m making decisions based on being afraid of what he will do, instead of what he has done?”

“Got it in one.”

“But, isn’t that how decisions should be made. If someone borrows money from me, and then never pays me back; should I keep loaning them money every time, forgetting what they did before.”

“No, but I think you’re still confusing the acceptance that all things change with making decisions free from experience. Experience and acceptance of change are not the same thing. Should you be aware of what your dad has done, and use that in your decision-making? Yes. What you need to be careful of, is making decisions only based on fear. So far, nothing has happened, right? Yet because of that fear, you’ve let his appearance affect everything you’re doing. I heard your show last night was a bit rocky. Why do you think that is?”

“Hanna called you, didn’t she?”

“Yes, because she’s concerned about you. You have a tendency to get in your own head when things go bad. It’s understandable, but ultimately, it amplifies your problems.”

“Yes, I was in my head during the show and it sucked.”

“That's why understanding impermanence is important. Nothing happened yet with your father, but you’re letting your fear of what might happen, of the change in his reappearance, affect other areas of your life. If he does something, deal with it then. Deal with it, knowing full well who he is and how his actions might manifest in the future; but don’t allow fear of what his actions may be impact your entire life. Live in the moment.”

“That’s easier said than done.”

“It is, which is why Buddhism is about the search for enlightenment, knowing that most of us will never achieve it. In fact, Wǔcháng tells us that we shouldn’t fear not reaching enlightenment. Instead, we should experience our successes and failures as they come. Let the experience wash over us, and then continue on to the next challenge, knowing that it too will be a fleeting moment.”

“So how do I do that?”

“For your father, just take each day as it comes. He’s here. Nothing you do is going to change that. If he does something to affect you or your mother, make a decision then. Until then, live your life as best you can. You’ve worked hard to achieve your goals, don’t let your fear tear it all down.”

“I’ll try.”

“Good,” he said, pouring me a cup of tea and handing it to me.

In Shaolin, sharing a cup of tea with your master is a very big deal. It represents an act of service, one normally done by the student preparing tea for his master. We hadn’t really done that, since Chef was busy and had left out a lot of the spiritual aspects of Kung Fu from my training, but he’d talked a little bit about it. While the student preparing tea for the master was common, and a sign of respect; the reverse was much more notable, mostly because it didn’t happen often. The master usually did it as a way to acknowledge important moments, and as a way for the master to show respect back to his student.

“I also need some advice about what to do with my manager.”

“The one who’s trying to get you to drop out of school to perform more often?”

“Is there anything Hanna didn’t tell you?”

“She cares about you, Charlie. She sees the stress you’re under and wanted advice on how to help you. Don’t think of it as her going behind your back. Think of it as her having your back.”

“I guess,” I said.

I wasn’t actually mad at her, and I knew he was right, but it did take the wind out of my sails a little bit.

“So, would you advise me not to overreact or jump to conclusions here as well?”

“No. I’d advise you to bring the hammer down.”

“Really? I thought you were going to tell me to wait until he’s done something?”

“He’s already done something. He’s making promises in your name. It’s good to not fear change for the sake of change alone, but this isn’t that. Decisions are being made for you, without your consent. Remember, this isn’t a family member or a friend. This is a person who works for you and is supposed to be looking out for your best interests, or I guess the best interests of the record label. But, in this case, he’s doing neither. You’ve got a contract with the label and there are provisions in it because you’re a minor. He’s attempting to violate those provisions. That will open the label up to litigation, which I guarantee they won’t want.”

“So I should call up my person at the label?”

“Not at first. Try to deal with it in-house, or at least build a record of you doing everything you could before escalating. You need to be firm with him and make it clear if he doesn’t start representing you correctly you’ll take things to the next level.”

“Okay. I’ll try.”

“Good. Now, I have some time before we have to start preparing for the dinner service, and I’m guessing you haven’t been keeping up with your training. I know what you told Victor, and I respect your decision, but you should try to keep your training going. It helps clear your thoughts and focus your mind.”

I’d been so distracted with Dad and Brent, that I’d forgotten to tell Chef off about trying to set up training for me, but apparently Victor had already relayed my frustration. He was right, though. I did feel more focused and clear-headed after working out; and honestly, I could use that right now.

“I have some time.”

“Good. Let’s go.”