So I wrote about Potatoes. (This isn't kinky. Don't read it.)

For their monthly commission, one of my Diaper Butt subscribers told me, quote, "I want you to try as hard as you can to write something that I will not enjoy". 

So I wrote about potatoes for seven hundred words. 

This isn't a joke. I genuinely wrote about potatoes for seven hundred words. There isn't any secret diaper content hidden in here somewhere. It's not kinky. Don't keep reading unless you really just want some boring information about potatoes.

Okay? 

Okay. 

...

Nutrition Facts

About one serving per potato

Serving size: 1 Potato, Medium (Between two and a quarter inches and three and a quarter inches in diameter)

Calories: 165

Percent Daily Value

Total Fat: Point two grams. (Zero percent.)

Saturated fat: Point one grams. (Zero percent.)

Polyunsaturated fat: Point one grams. (Zero percent.)

Monounsaturated fat: Zero grams. (Zero percent.)

Cholesterol: Zero milligrams. (Zero percent.)

Sodium: Thirteen milligrams. (Zero percent.)

Potassium: Nine hundred milligrams. (Twenty five percent.)

Total Carbohydrate: Thirty six grams. (Twelve percent.)

Dietary fiber: Four point seven grams. (Eighteen percent.)

Sugar: One point seven grams.

Protein: Four point three grams. (Eight percent.)

Vitamin A Zero Percent

Vitamin C Seventy Percent

Calcium Two Percent

Iron Nine Percent

Vitamin D Zero Percent

Vitamin B-6 Thirty Percent

Cobalamin Zero Percent

Magnesium Twelve Percent

*Percent Daily Values are based on a 2,000 calorie diet. Your daily values may be higher or lower depending on your calorie needs.

Ingredients: Potato.

…

The potato, (also referred to as Solanum Tuberosum,) is an annual plant that belongs to the nightshade family. It is harvested worldwide for its starchy, edible tubers, which are used in a wide variety of dishes ranging from mashed potatoes, potato salad, potato cakes, potatoes au gratin, french fried potatoes, steak fries, roasted potatoes, potato chips, potato soup, potato casserole, baked potatoes, potato wedges, aloo gobi, potato skins, and many others, as well as ingredients such as potato flour and potato stock.

A native to the Peruvian andes, it is one of the world’s main food crops, and is high in vitamin C, protein, and other nutrients.

Potatoes were domesticated independently and repeatedly in the South Americas, including by the Incas as early as eighteen hundred years ago. When the invading Spaniards encountered them in the second half of the 16th century, they brought these tubers back to Europe, and within a century they were a major crop in Ireland - By the 18th century, they were a major crop all across continental Europe, particularly in Germany and the west of England. It continued to spread across all hemispheres.

In the mid 19th century, the Irish suffered disastrous crop failures and starvation as the result of the horrible blight known as the English.

Generally speaking, a potato is one of some 150 tuber-bearing species of the genus Solanum. A tuber being, of course, the swollen end of an underground stem. It has compound leaves which are spirally arranged, each being roughly twenty to thirty centimeters - about eight to twelve inches long - consisting of a terminal leaflet and a couple pairs of leaflets.

The flowers, which can be white, lavender, or purple, have five fused petals and yellow stamens. While it bears fruit, a berry, this fruit is poisonous and cannot be eaten.

The stems of the tuber extend underground, forming structures which are known as stolons. The end of these stolons may enlarge greatly, forming anywhere from a couple to more than twenty tubers of variable shape and size, usually ranging in weight up to ten ounces but occasionally growing to be larger than three pounds.

Potato skin ranges in a broad variety of colour, from brownish white to a deep purple, while the starchy flesh normally goes from white to yellow, though in some circumstances is also purple. Potatoes have spirally arranged buds - also known as eyes - which grow in the axils of aborted leaves where scars remained.

These buds can sprout to form clones of the parent plant, allowing farmers to vegetatively propagate desired characteristics. In fact, vegetative reproduction is almost always used commercially, despite the decrease in genetic diversity that makes potatoes more vulnerable to pests and disease.

Potatoes are distinct from sweet potatoes, which - despite the name - are in fact a foreign parasite. Sweet potatoes should not be served with any holiday dish, both because of the repulsive flavor and the offputting color, and yet they continue to show up at many a thanksgiving, adorned with anything from marshmallows to sea salt, creating the most disgusting of dishes.

The potato is a food staple that is here to stay.