Top Secret Project BTS

Hello, friends. I'm back. It's been a month since my last entry, and I, AGAIN, cannot thank you all enough for sticking by me through all this. The past, three months have been a whirlwind of progress, trials, tribulations and overall—extremely stressful. This TV show has essentially taken everything out of me. We have been planning this for three months now, while Dennis and Bethany have been dealing with it for about two and a half years. TV shows aren't done overnight, let me tell you.

I can't show you all everything yet, but I can show you enough to give you an overall jest of what we have done. I won't lie, this was the most terrifying experience of my life. Having Tony Wash on this set gave me the jitters. He's an executive producer of Screambox and Cineverse, and a Tom Savini graduate. (I know, talk about me having immense pressure on me). I learned so much about the process during this week, and I also learned a lot about who I am as a creative, actor, and person. Truthfully, I there were a couple times where I felt like I was inadequate in terms of the process. There was a point (something I can say) where I accidentally got acetone in an actress's eye and I was absolutely mortified. To top that off, she was extremely uncomfortable with prosthetics and the subject matter at hand. So, that was one time that I really just wanted to break down and cry. I definitely underestimated the amount of pressure I underwent, and now I know...breathe.

How can you breathe, though, when you essentially are forced into doing everything 100%. Well, I ended up giving it 200% just based out of sheer determination and desperation. I know this sounds like such a horrible experience, but it was quite the opposite. Despite my fear, I had the best directors on earth. Dennis and Bethany were gems. I have never connected so much with a pair of humans like I did with them. Phil, the camera op, and occasional DP was my set bestie. The laughs, tears, inspiration, and overall vibe was abundant with joy. I ended up smoking a cigarette out on the back porch with cast and crew, and that was such a whoa moment to me. I don't know why. I guess there is something so simple about it that it makes you realize that small conversation and feeling the oncoming fall breeze is next to heavenly.

And now I'm back. I'm happy to back. And I'm tired, but if anything, I'm more motivated and a wee-bit more educated on what I need to learn in terms of acting and SFX. I'm giving myself a break for the time being, but I'll keep updating everyone with the information I can give. But more importantly, I seriously do want to thank all of you for sticking around. Some of you have been here for three, friggin years. I can't even believe that. That's also something else I'm trying to work on: belief. I don't really have belief and I need to stop that. I realized there are a lot of folks who do believe in me and that is so important, in a really despondent world. I hope you all enjoy these pictures, and please always know that because of you all—I was able to basically pay for some of the things that are on this TV show. So, there is definitely that. I owe you guys a lot, and your belief in me is something that I shan't take advantage of. Love you all to the moon and back.