Life Update…of Sorts

It pains me that I haven’t been able to produce art. Each and everyday that goes by, I feel an immediate sense of grief.

It’s 9:47pm my time, and I’m laying in bed listening to soundscapes. It’s weird…so much has happened this past few weeks that I can hardly seem to keep up. There are moments that I truly wish I could give up, but then I recall the feelings I have now, in this very moment, and I’ve realized…my calling is here.

When I was in Tennessee, I walked in my park that I do next to my house. I was meditating on everything that’s been happening as of late, and it doesn’t feel like time has moved. Or, maybe that’s because when I’m home time seems to stop completely. Looking back at all the times I hiked those trails, picked blueberries, and kicked mud, dirt, leaves, and grass…it was a very humbling moment for me. I never anticipated being in this position now, and I never anticipated being able to carry bravery.

I don’t think I’m brave; in fact, I think I’m just too stubborn to know when to quit, but is that bravery? I dreamed a dream long ago that told me I would be in the same spot, remembering moments of the past, and knowing that things were as they should be. But, that’s just it; that dejavu hits you, and you are hit by a ton of bricks.

I remembered trees that stood in the same places; I recalled spots that I once etched drawings into mud. I saw a girl that looked like me, and when she turned, I saw myself looking at me.

Maybe In this life I’ll never quite understand why things happen, but I’d like to think they happen for a reason. Up to this point, I’ve foreseen them things that have unfolded—as terrifying as that may be—but I keep going…some way, some how… And, maybe I’ve been dealt the hand of a warrior. Maybe I wasn’t meant to walk a path of linear trajection, but instead, I was made to seek peace through hardship.

I guess I’ll never know, my friends, but, I know that in my biggest moments of doubt, I find those trees above that remind me of what’s supposed to be.

All is meant to be as it should. I just have to patient.

I love you all so much…from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for being here with me.