Things Can get the Best of Us

It's such an embarrassing thing to admit that, I, Cory DeAn Cowley wants to cry. I don't like to show my hurt emotions that much, but, my friends, I want to cry like a little girl.

I wake up every day and dream that I can finally tell my boss to shove it up his ass. I dream that Jim and I are somewhere in the foothills of Tennessee, with our little house, our large acreage of land, and our little piggies frolicking in the backyard.

Admittedly, while I do want to do make money and succeed off my art, I want to work hard for Jim, so I can give him back all the things that have been taken by him.

And I feel like since getting slapped with a shadow ban, all that hard work has been negated. And I feel like I have failed him.

I sound so melodramatic writing this down, and I hate myself for venting to the only people that seem to give a shit. That's not to say that others don't care, but it's pretty clear you all are the only people that care enough to actually support me every month in more ways than one. You know, when you work so hard at achieving a goal, it has a tendency to make you believe that anything is possible. I believe so vehemently in my own and others' success that I'll do anything to see it happen.

But I didn't think that I would be sitting here moping over having all my work eliminated by a fucking robot.

It's not the worst thing in the world, but it certainly doesn't absolve me of how I feel. I can't help but feel like artists--particularly dark artists--are relegated to a league that will never see the light of day. There have been so many wonderful things that have happened to me, and I truly am not trying to look a gift horse in the mouth, but I do feel like all the hard work I have put in was just flushed down the shitter.

Maybe it'll go away tomorrow; maybe it'll go away in a month; or worse, maybe it will never go away. I've also thought about the possibility that I've sowed my seeds and now grows a plant that will always wilt, next to a very dusty window sill. I don't know...do things get better, or do we just let go and hope for the best, no matter how good or bad it is.

A part of me wants to give up, but I know deep down that's not who I am. Giving up on a dream would be a sin to every creative person out there struggling, and in ways, I would be so very disappointed in myself. So, with that being said, I can't give up; I'm just extremely unmotivated to anything related to my art. I'm sorry to sound pathetic, my friends. I'm just so disappointed.