I Have OCD (What It’s Like Living with a Monster)

This has been my longest friend for as long as I’ve known.

I don’t really talk a lot about my issues with this at times debilitating illness, but I think it’s time I shed some light on one of the most commonly misconceived illnesses.

I have Pure O—a form of OCD that manifests into a complex system of thoughts, actions, rituals, and other distressing reactions that make my life hard. I’ve been on medication now for about three years. I’ve been prescribed 20mg Lexapro, and was seeking behavioral therapy.

I pick my skin; I pull my hair out; I chew the sides of fingers until they’re bleeding, sore, and burn from rawness. My teeth are whittled down from wolf-biting, and some days…I’m just really really tired.

But, there’s one part of my OCD that absolutely shakes me to the core, and while I do manage it better, it still bothers me from time to time.

Harming OCD.

Harming OCD is a form of Pure O that is highly distressing. It’s intrusive thinking, but it’s amplified 100x, making any thought that’s bothersome pop into your head and drive you down into the ground. You can sit at dinner, laughing, enjoying the company of your loved ones, and all of a sudden—one, little thought pops into your head…and all that moment come crashes down into a week’s worth of torment.

“You’re going to stab your eyes out with this pencil.”

“You’re going to hurt Jim.”

“You’re going to crash your car into a wall.”

“Maybe you should just walk off that side of the building.”

“Maybe you should just bash your head into the wall.”

“You’re going to wind up alone in a mental institution and never see your family again.”

“What if you’re secretly a killer?”

“What if your mom hates you and she doesn’t love you?”

These are just some examples of the horrible thoughts that have come into my head. Harming OCD attacks any and everything you love, and twists it into a nightmarish landscape filled with nothing but pain.

Imagine telling your mom this, or telling your partner…but talking and speaking of this monster is the only way to stop the stigma on OCD.

Harming OCD is a common side effect of Pure O. When I first started joining OCD groups, I found out how I wasn’t alone. There was a group of people who felt just as guilty and ashamed as I did. The guilt of having these thoughts made me feel like shit, and truthfully, I wanted to die knowing something this horrible could pop into my head.

Turns out, I had OCD, and unfortunately, I wasn’t the only victim to this demon that lives in my head. Harming OCD is more common that I thought, and I wasn’t the only one that suffered from terrible thoughts. Whereas most people can have a thought and think nothing of it, OCD sufferers dwell, obsess, and torture ourselves until we want to break down and cry.

The amount of guilt I feel sometimes because of my thoughts drives me to the point that I want to be alone, but that’s exactly what any mental illness wants. Our brains sometimes have a nasty habit of wanting us to isolate ourselves, but we can’t let that fucker win.

Luckily, after enough research, I’ve come to find that im not alone. Talking about your OCD helps, and with people that are not judgmental and understand—the thoughts aren’t so bad.

I have my really bad days, don’t get me wrong, but that’s life. Im writing this as a way to show you all that it’s okay to have mental illness. It’s okay to have thoughts we aren’t proud of, and you’re not a bad person for thinking it. We’re stressed, under a lot of pressure, and we get scared; sometimes our minds manifest some terrible shit as a byproduct, but im telling you that you aren’t alone.

One thing I do love about Patreon, is that I can secretly tell you all that I, too, suffer from mental illness. I, too, have received help, and I, too, hurt sometimes.

However, I don’t want you all to hurt, and if you ever need someone to talk to that don’t judge…I, too, will listen.

I love you all, so much. Please know that you aren’t alone. ❤️ you are loved.