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Well, I ate that spaghetti by myself. 

It wasn't meant to be anything except another late night tweet, or post, or whatever, from my heart. Just something I felt at the time. Nothing too much to worry about... I wanted to eat spaghetti with somebody because I didn't want to go through all that trouble of making a big pile of pasta and use up all that expensive sauce I have to import here to Japan just for myself to eat and enjoy. Also, spaghetti represents family and Sunday dinners and eating with somebody who I deeply loved. Eating Spaghetti also represents a personal triumph for me in the kitchen, as it's one of only two things I know how to make well (the other being pan fried steak, which, like Spaghetti, seems wasted only on myself. Yet another meal I shared with the person I loved and now... I hardly eat steak anymore. And I LOVE steak). 

I was surprised at the response I got from that tweet, which I sent out a few weeks back, telling everybody about how I didn't want to be alone. The surprising part mostly for me was that it was a lot of idols and idol staff who saw it and talked to me about it. Like... so many idols I know asked me if I was okay, and what that was all about. It's now like a joke for some of them who know me more than others... like, they understand that loneliness because for some of them, they feel exactly the same, but... I guess the easier thing to do would be to deflect my feelings using the healing power of laughter and joking than to actually unpack what I meant with that tweet and really take a step to heal me. I mean, I even asked Kenji, the manager for merry bad end, if he would just come over and eat with me, since I wasn't expecting anyone to really respond in the way of maybe a new friend or somebody new to love, and Kenji is a friend, you know? But he was busy with personal shit of his own. He apologized though and told me that soon he wants to get together with me to have me cook for him. That's how nice he is... he actually apologized to me for my bullshit attempt at reaching out in a silly way online.

Then again, it's like... everything you say online gets scrutinized or criticized or brought up super fast by people who might not see things the way you see things... or they just don't quite get what you meant, no matter how hard and direct on the nose you are about it. And that's okay, because I often have to talk in between the lines and cover what I'm really saying with vagueness. That's a trait I'm learning here in Japan fairly fast, since so many people I meet here in Japan are not direct and intentionally so... it's part of the culture of avoidance here in Tokyo. Look down, straight at the ground, and don't make trouble for those around you.

As if.

Today I felt a little upset and angry. I worked all day, from morning until middle of the day, posting my latest additions to IU, the lovely and talented NON and also the idol group Bury. I'm so happy to work with them both, and in the space of a single day, NON's almost entire buppan selection is sold out. That's just.... it's incredible. And Bury isn't doing half bad either! I'm so happy that my hard work paid off almost instantly. How lucky I am to have fans of IU who really support what I'm doing and keep me going through their support of these groups. I will never be grateful enough, or ever truly be able to show how grateful I am for what they've done for me by letting me work with these idols regularly... it's a dream come true for me, in some respects. The weird part here is that it's a great dream wrapped inside of the dark arms of a great nightmare. All the loneliness I've often talked about which has taken a huge psychological toll on me lately, the fact that I can't see my little girl when I want thanks to the human rights abuse that goes on here every day, of which I'm a victim of, and of course, not knowing enough Japanese to even remotely connect to Japanese people here outside of a level that maybe rivals a first grader. And then I lost many friends, stopped seeing and working with idol groups who once meant everything to me, and then being betrayed by somebody I loved more than anyone maybe who I've ever met in my entire life, and then if that wasn't enough... just wondering how I'm going to survive here, as that thought hangs over me constantly.

I promise these aren't complaints... it's another 4AM confession. This seems to be the time when I'm the most vulnerable and able to talk about what's happening to me. So you're stuck with that from me, and I'm sorry if it's boring or stupid or you don't give a shit about this internal stuff. I think it's just a tad necessary to understand why my days and nights might seem so amazing and you might even be envious of the life I'm living, but inside... it's just not like that for me. It's really difficult when I can't talk to nobody as much as I need to talk, or I haven't talked to my family that much in the past few months, like not at all... and then STILL not being able to understand what happened to me this past summer up until now... how my entire life unspoiled right in front of me. And now... I walk alone. And I saw something tonight online that was a giant rhino kick to my stomach... it paralyzed me for a few hours tonight... like, I couldn't move at all. I just finally decided to write this post and that moved me to act, but... all I could do was listen to Yanamyu's Bubble album over and over again, to try and remember why I am here, why I can still hold on to the promise of total escapism that idol has given me. But listening to songs like Lily from Yanamyu... it brings me back to this place that is far buried in my past... the clean guitar tones in Lily are the same as those used in old Thursday songs that I used to listen to, from their album FULL Collapse... and how it's both nostalgic and new all at the same time. I can't stop listening to Nadecha's amazing voice soar in every song, and it makes me sad to think I want to work so much with Yanamyu and do a million things for them, and they've sat down with me and talked about working together... and it hasn't gone anywhere. And that's so painful I can't begin to even put into words... this is the group that means everything to me, and they are just... not there in my life like I had expected they might be.  Another loss to add to my already mounting skyscraper of losses this past year or so.  But did I lose them? Maybe they are just busy or maybe it's like... I just simply don't fit in with their business plan. But how I miss standing in the bowels of Shinjuku Samurai and watching the girls in Yanamyu sing and dance and take me to a place of absolute idol bliss that was mixed with so many moments of tearing up from how beautiful it all was. It was my plastic floating american beauty moment, over and over again, with them. And I miss that so, so, so very much. 

I was at Samurai this past weekend. Merry Bad End had a live there, and you know what? It was a ton of fun! We played with Last Question (and some other group who blew me the fuck away... expect me to gun for that group to be on IU soon!), who are MBE's good friends. There was a six year old girl there named Suzu chan... she stood right in the front of the stage, with a crowd of grown otaku behind her, and just got lost in the live. Last Question treated her so kind, and so did the otaku, who for the most part kept out of the girl's way, since you know, it would take a miracle for an otaku I think to actually sit down with the girl and show her the wotagei moves and include her in the mixes... but it didn't matter... she was in her own world, doing her own thing, getting out of idol what she needed. 

Later, during buppan, I talked to little Suzu chan and took her over to see Chihiro, who was literally a dripping melted puddle of human blubber on the floor because she was sooo wanting to meet little Suzu chan. The girl was doing the idol rounds, going to each idol group, and soaking up all the attention that naturally a little girl like that would get at an idol live. Chihiro was busy with a cheki and so I had a chance to get Suzu chan to come over and do a cheki with Chihiro, who then proceeded to smother the girl in hugs and talked to her forever. I mean... FOREVER. It was so amazing. I was so happy to see Chihiro just really show this little girl so much love and affection. To me, that's the good part about this idol business. You can be six years old or 60 years old... it doesn't matter. Come one, come all, come as you are. I loved it.

Later that evening, after the MBE live, I went to another idol group's live that a friend of mine is producing. It was the group's pre-debut debut. They did one song, and none of them had ever been on a stage before. One of the idols, a tall, haifu-looking idol, didn't hold the mic to her face almost at all, and so it looked really strange, but for the most part, the group looked great for their very first ever performance. I showed my support and then went to another live, this time, the almighty Gyunou Fest! I had to record Zombie Powder's live, and also do their cheki at buppan. Geru, their manager, asked me to do these things since he was going to be doing something at that time that prevented him from doing any of this. Of course I said yes... me and Kureha and Ami and Kaho, we all get along really well. The girls and me have no problems working together which I love their easy spirit and kindness towards me.

While I waited for Zombie Powder to take the stage, I had a chance to talk to Gyuzo, himself. He always tries to speak English with me when I see him. I love this guy... he is so kind and he does so much for idols, and his festivals are always a blast. So we talked about a bunch of things, and then he was on his way, and then I was on my way to the stage for a VERY packed Otsuka Hearts for Zombie Powder's performance! It was soooo intense. A few times Kureha and especially Kaho nearly clocked me with their swinging arms, as I was plastered to the wall on the side of the stage. Those girls use every inch of the stage. The fans were going apeshit and dancing and lifting and I looked into the crowd and saw absolute pandemonium... it was fucking goosebumps all around, every song. And it was so fucking loud on the stage... just... perfect times. The ZP girls are not to be fucked with, and they bring it EVERY SINGLE TIME.  At one point the ENTIRE venue was clapping to one of the songs... and then there was a huge circle of wota doing this super choreographed dance move sequence at the beginning of one of the songs that ZP played... and my GOD... the view from the stage... you can see why these girls do this. I would do it every single night if I could, but hey... I'm not an idol yet. Maybe someday, right?

ZP's buppan was busy. I never stopped for a good solid hour... the girls all enjoyed themselves and did their thing with their fans... it was so great to watch them show so much love, while poor Ami had to play manager and take people's money for cheki tickets in between doing cheki. Kureha did too sometimes, since Kaho is the most popular member by far and had an unending line the entire time. But we made it all work. And then after it was over, I stuck around to watch Kai chan and Mizuho's performances and then said hi to them and left. 

The next morning, I headed out to Koiwa in Chiba (near Chiba? In Chiba? I forget) to Orpheus, a great venue that Okinawa Electric Girl Saya likes to perform at. I took her cheki there and talked with her a bit about Kpop and other funny things, and her cheki turned out to be all black because she was wearing all black and we were in the dark venue before it opened... so people will be getting funny looking floating Saya head chekis! But it's okay... that makes them even more special, or so I hope people will look at it like that. 

Saya chan is so much fun to talk to, super easy to get along with, and her gap is amazing... offstage, she's bubbly, soft, kind, likes to joke, but onstage... she's a fucking wild beast gyrating around and dancing like she is a professional ballet dancer who also learned how to dance from the best maikos in history. And then there's her voice... it's one of the top ten, maybe top five even, best voices in the entire idol industry. EASILY. She can hit octaves and notes that other idols dream about doing but never will do, no matter how long they practice and drill themselves to death. Saya is a natural. And she does it effortlessly. She even covered Lilii Kaona's one song during the live this day, which was very fun to watch with Mishima san standing right next to me. We both laughed about my utter shock and surprise when she did that. 

Oh yeah, Lilii Kaona was at the live too... and I got to hear them after not hearing them in awhile, and they of course brought it like they always do...though I noticed this time they were way more polished and perfected... a far different group than I remember meeting nearly two years ago. And as always, super sweet to me and nice, though I didn't get a chance to really talk to them. They still took time to say hi to me. 

After I did my business here with both groups, I rushed to Shinjuku to do buppan for Merry Bad End, who were doing a gigantic idol taiban. They played a very emotional set that night, and the fans went apeshit for them, almost as crazy as they did during the Samurai show at 11pm in the morning that day. I was so happy to see so many people losing their minds to MBE this evening, and especially because all the Satanic Punish girls (minus one girl) were there to watch Merry Bad End and meet them for the first time. I really can't wait to see those girls unleashed on the idol world... they are HUNGRY for it, and I think it's going to be devastating to see them on the stage singing about all the hurt and loss in the world that Morisaki, their producer, wants to convey his feelings about via idol songs. I can't wait.

MBE's buppan was rather busy for them, which was great. I think after I was done with their buppan, I had taken about 460 chekis total in the space of three days (I didn't even discuss the other idol show earlier in the week that had Squall, Zsasz, Hamidasystem, and Bury on it!). Not bad for a few days, and I loved snapping every picture of all these idols. It is my true joy... like meeting somebody like Sayaka from Bury... this tall, gorgeous idol who is a bit sharp and sarcastic and just... fun. Really fun to talk to and watch own it so hard onstage with her bad ass persona and then become a goofball offstage. She's like Itol and Iris and Meru from Squall, who are all super goofballs of the highest order and make me laugh constantly (though, lately, I've been getting surprised by idols making me laugh who I wouldn't expect to make me laugh. The girls in Hamidaystem, for example, they had me laughing SO MUCH! One of them was doing Moe moe kyun impressions just so I would laugh as she was so sincere about it... hysterical stuff. I couldn't take her cheki... I had to stop because I was laughing so hard!). 

Anyway, after MBE's live, I rushed off to meet NON for the very first time. We had a great, long conversation. She is seriously the best girl. I don't even know what to say except I can't wait to work with her a lot. We've already communicated quite a bit the past two days now... most of her items sold out within a few hours of me putting them up for sale at IU, and she wants me to help her with talking to foreign fans. I feel so lucky... I wanted to work with her for a long, long time, and now I am. 

Today, I had to meet with Hanako San to go over some crazy shit we're working on for 2020. More on that to come, as I don't want to jinx it, but me, her, and a few other people met to go over some plans. Hanako is always so kind to me... we talk so easily to each other and she always is curious about me and what I'm doing with my life. I feel lucky to work with her too, since she always makes it a point to share her life with me and talk with me about many things. And she's my biggest seller at IU, so I'm happy I have a good connection with her and can appreciate even more the fact that we can work together to bring her music and message to the world.

Anyway, all of this doesn't even begin to tell you how busy I am... this is a TINY amount of the work I'm doing. I have the documentary which I'm starting to really try to dig into, and I also am working on a new website as I've mentioned, and that's all set up at this point but it's not been tested yet for functionality. Oh, and there's me trying like hell to learn more Japanese, and then of course, find ways to pay my bills, since I still am in the woods there on surviving. And I need to organize a few other big things I'm doing this year in the idol world, plus try to finish writing my books. 

I need a haircut, as my hair has grown rather long, and my apartment is a fucking mess.. like.. it's at hoarding level dirty and messy right now, because when I'm home, I am in front of the computer, but mostly, I'm out working with idols or doing something like I've described above. And yeah... back to that loneliness... can you see now why I feel so isolated? I work with people who I respect and care about but are really involved with me helping THEM. And being what everybody needs sometimes makes you want to find somebody who can be what I NEED...even if it's just to be physical together... I don't care. But who the hell do I meet? And how? I won't even go into the dismal online dating stuff I've seen recently... it's not even worth mentioning the dregs that I've encountered. I'm sure they think the same about me too. 

A part of me feels like I'm losing so much time.. and every minute that goes by, I am missing opportunities to talk to somebody who could be somebody in my life. And it doesn't help that I see things online that remind me of who I lost and that fucks me up so bad it's like instant tear factory around my eyelids and also just... very painful. Too painful. 

But I'm okay. Really, I am. A little fucked in the head from the isolation I'm feeling, and the loneliness, but just overall, busy and wishing I had a few days to get caught up, or more of a discipline to not zombify the moment I get home from doing all this stuff. My body wills me to not move or do much other than watch Youtube or downloaded movies I have. And I feel guilty the whole time doing it... plus I can't sleep properly. It's so hard to really relax here. 

Do you ever wonder if this is all worth it? When I die, will any of this matter at all? I guess it won't, you know? So many of us just live this life and never amount to shit. I don't want that though... I want to haunt idol lives when I die, and I want to continue being part of SOMETHING after my body turns to dust. I have thought about death a lot... it's like a soft delay note being strung out over measure after measure after measure of notes inflected with tones that I can't even begin to fathom or understand. 

In fact, I am not sure I understand much at all, but it is what it is, you know? I want to get my goals accomplished and then maybe we'll see what happens.

Something strange happened today though, in terms of goals... I was helping record a practice screaming vocal part for MBE's next single. I was in the studio, and MBE's producer asked me to step up to the mic and actually scream the parts. I've never been recorded screaming, though during my old band's lives, I would often find a mic onstage and scream into it, and I enjoyed that very much. A few times I fronted some groups and did guest vocals with them, or did their set because their singer was not available. But never anything professionally like a recording. So... I was nervous, but it all came back to me the second I opened my mouth to scream that first note. MBE's producer praised me and had me keep going and we nailed all the parts and then he invited me to help Chihiro when she comes in to record her parts that were the parts I just did as scratch tracks. I am so happy to do this, but I also thought to myself that maybe I want to do this as a real thing... live, onstage, me and maybe one or two more idols, and just going nuts and having a great time. So maybe that will be my next endeavor... or a final challenge... start my own idol group, and either just produce it or write the music for it or be in it even? Or maybe all of these things. I can pull an Oyaholo Ogawa. Or Paceli from Nanomoral. I wouldn't mind that so much. Would you? 

It's on the horizon. Got the documentary to finish and I need to know Japanese FAR more than what I know now to really do something like this, but screaming today got me thinking about this dream. But hey... I would be happy to get called up on the stage and do guest vocals with Merry Bad End on this song during one of their lives... if they would have me.

I am here. I am still here. I am still trying. Still hoping. Still avoiding death. It's supposed to snow today... maybe it already is. I haven't looked outside my curtains... it's freezing in my apartment, since my heater doesn't work so well. I'm going to maybe lay down. So... maybe for now, Oyasumi nasai. Or maybe Ohayo gozaimasu. 

I wonder sometimes if it's the night of my life or the beginning of a new day.  

Maybe it's both. Days and nights don't really matter when you don't sleep and each day just tumbles into the next. My curtains are always closed here at the apartment, so I can't tell you which is which. 

Love you all though. I am grateful to each one of you. Always will be too. Just... there's so much more to do. There's more to give. There's no more delay that's necessary to keep this tone of ambition going forever. 

Oyasumi-hayo!