Punk Rock Shopping

Hanako and me were trying to decide what would be best to film that is outside of a live show. She suggested her ritual of buying stickers for her fans and for herself, plus other assorted goods. So we met up and I filmed her while she just did her thing. But true to Hanako's wonderfully engaging self, she couldn't resist but talking to me the whole time and really showed me what she likes and doesn't like as she shopped. We kept going until we got busted by the store clerk for being punk rock and not giving a fuck about filming in the store. I got some nice footage... pretty much what I had hoped to get. We tried to talk to another store but after the store had several discussions and brought a manager into the discussion and called their President, it was decided that I couldn't film Hanako walking around their empty store and buying something of theirs. 

Yeah... in Japan, it's like that. Big fucking meetings for the smallest of issues and problems, of which Hanako is anything but.

Afterwards, I was able to film Hanako doing some other stuff which we may or may not put into the documentary. I'll have to discuss that with her because it's super personal stuff, but overall, she let me into her life once again, and I couldn't be more grateful for that. She really is something else... a true idol, even if she's an idol that very few people will ever "get" or understand... but I think that's all the more reason to follow this idol straight to hell. 

I have been so busy with filming and talking to so many other groups regarding Idol Underworld. I also got my very first idol messaging me at Idol Underworld's site. And it's not just ANY idol... she's pretty popular and massively important to the idol world. I about fell out of my chair when she sent me the email... and she got back to me super fast and now we're meeting... finally. All the times I've seen her perform both with her group and solo... we've never actually spoken. Not even once. It's so weird how that works, but after this meeting, I think we'll be speaking quite a bit. I might even put her in my documentary if she wants to be in it. We'll see how things go.

I will be filming another pretty famous idol too for my documentary and also working with her group very soon at Idol Underworld. I am so excited to work with her and surprisingly, she said the same about working with me. That made me smile. Tons and tons. 

On the flip side, I've been talking with other groups who just don't understand, I think, the importance of getting back in a timely fashion. Or maybe they are just super busy and it's me who doesn't understand? Probably the latter. I love all these groups so much that it's rather painful when I don't hear back from them for a long time, or not at all, in several cases. I just don't get it either. Why wouldn't you want to do this? It's practically free money for them! I'm doing ALL the work! So... whatever. I think it might take a moment to get these groups on board but when they finally do get on board, it's going to be pretty huge I think. I might just make my goal of 20 groups after all in December. Wouldn't that be something else?

I have been hyper-focused on getting Himari's book out as well, which it's finally done and being printed and shipped as I write this. I can't wait for this one, personally. It means so much to me that I was able to do this for her, and I think it means a lot to her as well. She told me she's very nervous but also excited about the book coming out. And the essay she wrote inside of it is absolutely brutal and painful and very much the truth about who she is. I loved that she went there... she didn't have to, but she did. That girl is really something you can't quite ever describe. Just... a phenomenon. Like, for reals.

My heart is still broke too. In many different ways it's been hard for me to get over HER. She won't go away. I accidentally ran into HER the other day... and I am pretty sure she didn't give two fucking flying shits about our encounter. She asked if I was "genki" and I lied and said I was, but... I'm not, you know? She still hasn't given my key back... and I wrote her a pretty straight to the point letter about this. So right now, I'm in this kind of impasse mode, where I want to move on, but I also am hoping she'll want to come back to me. I miss touching her so much, and her touching me, and together our crazy nights of running around together in my apartment doing silly, silly things that I can't share here without fear of this getting too X-rated. Just... how do you move on from somebody like that?  I'm still trying but... it's hard. Real fucking hard. 

Anyway, been doing a lot of filming as I said. I filmed Kiss Hug the other day and that was awesome. I was supposed to film Lilii Kaona too but that got all fucked up. So that's coming eventually. I might also get a few more groups pushed into the documentary since I have to wait for Necroma to actually let me film their crazy lives and due to the insane schedule they've had this month, I have to wait until November for this... so the documentary is going to be delayed with being finished until possibly December. Not a big deal though... that means three months of serious footage and I'm still trying to cap out the big fish catches in my documentary. I'm working on that. Give me some time.

I hope all of you are well! I hope that all of you are enjoying the fall weather. IT will be winter soon... I am trying to have another goal by then... to find somebody to keep me warm as a human blanket. Because it's weird to work every day with people who are so beautiful and so kind and so amazing that you would of course want to date them and be with them, yet strangely enough, those feelings never quite manifest when you're around them, because you just want to take care of them the whole time you're with them. And then of course, you can't do those things because it would be career suicide, and also... not cool. And so being around idols, staff, and fans that you can't touch or talk to in a personal way... I mean, I do sometimes with the idols and the staff and fans. I can get kind of personal with some of them but even then, it's at arms length. Human connection here in Japan feels more like a commodity to be bought and sold rather than experienced freely between each other. That's just how it be here... like it or hate it, you know?

Anyway, I'm grateful right now. Feeling grateful, I mean. But also still really having a street fight with these late nights here in Tokyo that used to belong to HER and now belong to loneliness. 

Love you all.