Happy Birthday to Me

So, as I write this, it’s currently my birthday, but I’m pretty sure I won’t finish writing until after I’m done with the next Wake-up Call chapter, and by then I’ll likely just want to fall unconscious until it’s no longer said birthday.

So, if you’re reading this and it’s no longer July 19th, that means my self-awareness is progressing faster than I expected.

I originally planned on having the next Tales From a Lewd Fantasy World ready for today, but I got stuck writing other things, and… well, there’s the other issue of me being a little unsure of what I want to do with the series—whether to proceed with the plan of posting it piecemeal on Amazon, trying to fit it into an idiosyncratic novel all at once, or even get rid of its exclusivity status, seeing as it does me no good when nobody else knows it exists.

(This also means I’ve wasted quite a few hours trying to make the next cover and failing miserably at it.)

But, really, my insecurities and irregular schedule aside, I would just like to take a moment to reflect on how things have been going.

It’s been almost two years since I launched my Patreon. My personal life has gone through quite a few upheavals throughout this time, but that’s just what life does, and completely outside of my control.

I wish writing was different.

As in, that I had more control over it.

I’ve had bursts of high productivity and near burnout, times when every single word seemed to flow naturally and others in which everything was forced and I had to hammer the sentences in place during slow, forceful sessions.

In this sense, I can’t control things.

In the other?

I’ve written more than I ever have in my life, and that’s with me having been a (rather unsuccessful) professional writer for most of my adult years.

I have finished my first novel.

I have published novellas I’m proud of.

I have worked on more than ten stories at once at a time.

I have come near the end of two years-long projects, Wake-up Call and the Cakeverse itself, that have brought me plenty of happy moments.

And I have met most of you.

What did I control? What is it that allowed me to do all this stuff that I’m still faintly incredulous at my scatterbrained, undisciplined, chronically procrastinating self ever achieving?

That I didn’t quit.

Sounds easy, doesn’t it?

To most, I guess it would be. But I’m a nervous wreck. A barely functional adult who still needs to learn a lot about emotional regulation.

But you are here.

And there’s just the part of me that accepts there’s a compromise. That I can’t let you down. And, truth be told, that was my main motivator at the very start.

Now?

Well, now things are a bit different.

Because you’ve helped me grow. You’ve helped me see that, yes, I can write things that are enjoyable, that make somebody else’s day better. That there’s value in what I do.

In persevering.

That I can do something that is me. That I can give something to all of you. That I can keep writing and you’ll be there to read it.

Honestly? That’s the best gift you could’ve given me.

So. This is me. Raw, unvarnished, flawed. This is my neurotic self who worries too much and feels like he worries too little. This is the guy who keeps self-flagellating over each and every missed deadline, no matter whether or not they are all self-imposed. This is the guy who panics when any of his stories reach the ending point because that means they’ll forever be imperfect with no more chances to fix them.

This is Agrippa, Terry Lavere, and some other names that don’t feel that important at this moment.

This is me having gone through yet another birthday. Another year.

And I’m glad to spend it writing for you.

Now that the mushy part is out of the way…

Well, most of you know how I like to come up with plans that rarely get off the ground. In this particular case, I planned to share the first Tales on QQ as a sort of celebratory gift to the community (and promote the next one in the series), and then give out on the Discord some Steam keys I have lying around due to me being a digital hoarder. I will still give out the Steam keys, so keep an eye out for them, but I remain unsure on what to do regarding Tales. I was going to write something cheeky along the lines of “if you want to give me a birthday present, leave a review on any of my published books,” and then I was going to likely get mushy and say that you’ve already given me more than enough because, let’s face it, I’m me and it’s very unlikely I wouldn’t have added that.

Ah. I just said that the mushy part was over, didn’t I?

I guess I just lied.

But, really, there’s not much else I can write in here other than a heartfelt thank you for being here, for helping me grow, for keeping me writing even when I feel physically unable to.

For being you.

So, thank you.

And, hopefully, see you next year.