Evangelion 3.0 + 1.0 - Buff Eva Buff

It's the end of an era, end of an eva, once more with feeling. Evangelion's thrice in a lifetime (so far) finale. Will it totally womp or be somewhat acceptable? Watch it for yourself to be sure, or better yet watch my cool opinions to be even more sure. Don't worry, i know Evangelion can be a complex thing but Sexy Jess The Eva-Master is here to fill your heads with all the correct thoughts and feelings.

I've had this Eva backdrop set up for a year, going unused, waiting patiently for the day someone would finally be clever enough to pay me to talk about it. That fated day has finally arrived and so you all have Mr. Banks to thanks for making the Sushi Swine sacrifice and demanding i review this movie.

This whole Eva reboot series took like a decade to get to the vague nebulous ending we all knew was coming from the beginning. That's Eva, and they almost pulled it off successfully. Almost. The only problem being the proverbial fly in the soup of this whole series, Mari. The worst character ever conceived.

Oh, i'm sorry. You were hoping for maybe a more substantial and meaningful glimpse at what the future holds for the characters you actually care about? Yeah, no. Big boobs gets the boy. That's what really matters, right?

The burning question i'm left with from this whole experiment is why? Why why why didn't they just age Asuka up in the 3rd movie? Curse of the Evas my butt. Get that weeaboo fetish bullshit out of here. I've followed this franchise loyally since i was 14 and by God i deserve an Asuka that's my own age again. I've earned it. We could have all been buying grown Asuka statues this whole time. But instead they beefed it and just made a bunch of Mari merchandise that only tweens buy.

At the end of this movie we finally, for about 3 combined seconds, get to see Asuka with a body to match her age, and it just drives home what a missed opportunity it was. We could have been watching this fine fox for the entire last two movies, but since Anno just has to project his own arrested development onto the viewers we all got stuck with the creepiest cliche in all of anime, the young bodied adult chick. Stupid Stupid Stupid.

Asuka deserved better and so do I. Look at me. I'm the coolest guy in the whole world and I love stupid Evangelion more than it loves me. Look at that thumbnail. It's a work of art. I deserve to be in charge of the whole franchise. I'll have every character in their 30s and make it a hentai. My new campaign: Make Asuka Grown Again.