Buttchugger Blog: Tubi Tales

Today i'll be reviewing some of the films i've recently seen on Tubi, the only streaming service i actually like. It's free with ads and genuinely has a selection that dunks Disney plus in the toilet and shoves Netflix into a locker. I pay for like 6 of these fucking stupid things and the one that's free is consistently the one i watch most and get the most entertainment out of.

No, i'm not being paid by Tubi to say this but i wish i was. The selection on there has an insane amount of variety compared to all the other dogshit content factories out there. It boggles the mind that there's so much cool shit on here and so much plain old shit everywhere else.

It's got flicks you've seen and shit you've never dreamed. Cult classics and mainstream hits, B-movies through Z-movies, cartoons, anime, and about 100 different documentaries of lunatics trying to find Atlantis and prove that Sumerian Gods are real. Tubi rules.

Very Private Lesson (1998)

This is a deeply disturbed and demented anime ova from the 90s, and for the first time in my life i don't mean that as a compliment. Very Private Lesson is a “comedy” about a wacky, zany nightmare scenario wherein a high school teacher is obsessively stalked and sexually harassed by a student. It's not good, but it was just stupid enough for me to let it keep playing until the end while i dissociated on the couch.

She keeps trying to rape the teacher while he has to protect her from the mafia guys who keep trying to rape her. There’s also a side plot about two annoying twin sisters who want to destroy the girl for some reason but all their schemes backfire and they keep getting destroyed themselves like Team Rocket.

I’m a little hazy on the details but I’m pretty sure it all ended with the twins both getting the shit kicked out of them and raped by the mafia guys instead of main girl, which the movie treats as a hilarious win for the good guys. I swear this is a real anime. It is occasionally successful at being darkly humorous, but is mostly just a horrifying nightmare for all the wrong reasons. Animes like this are the reason nobody believes you when you say anime can be good sometimes.

Conan The Adventurer (1993)

This is a Saturday morning Conan cartoon for kids from the 90s that somehow neither I nor anyone else on earth ever knew existed. I feel like a great adventurer myself having made this priceless archeological discovery for all mankind. Any sane person would expect this to be cheaply made kiddie dogshit but i watched 3 episodes and amazingly it’s actually pretty good. The animation is better than expected and somehow it all does feel authentic to the world of Conan.

Turning Robert E. Howard's mythos into something kid friendly is a very strange thing to attempt in the first place and it’s impressive that they pulled it off. Despite the lack of series staples like Conan banging every hot chick on Earth and hacking people into bloody chunks, it manages to feel surprisingly faithful to the source material, and even keeps some of the more adult themes, like Conan getting captured and put to work on a slave ship. He goes around kicking the shit out of evil wizards and snake men, and makes some friends along the way who are decently cool.

There are some cheesy kid show elements like a comic relief phoenix bird sidekick, but even he’s not nearly as annoying as he could have been. The dopest thing about the show is the opening theme song, which is the best kind of hokey cartoon bullshit and i highly recommend adding it to your gym playlist so you can work out the Riddle of Steel while clanging and banging to such motivational lyrics as

“he’s more powerful than any man

his legend spreads across the land and seeeeeaaaaaa”.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HT3cl4GJIDs

Halfway through the song gives up on having lyrics entirely and just turns into a roided out narrator cutting a wrestling promo about how cool Conan is while explaining the plot of the show in a way that sounds like an interdimensional cable Rick and Morty sketch.

CONAN, THE MIGHTIEST WARRIOR EVER

HIS QUEST: TO UNDO THE SPELL OF LIVING STONE CAST UPON HIS FAMILY

BY DRIVING THE EVIL SERPENT MEN BACK INTO ANOTHER DIMENSION

AND VANQUISHING THEIR LEADER, THE CRUEL WIZARD WRATH-AMON

I don’t know how you can possibly have something like that yelled at you and not be totally pumped for the adventures to come. This was a pleasant surprise in this unpleasant world. Definitely rad enough for me to continue watching while having my Honey Bunches of Oats because i’m too old for any of the good cereals.

1984 (1985)

If you only know the broad strokes about this book from cultural osmosis, or from what the world actually literally is now, but have never actually read the damn thing, do it because i can confirm it’s a masterpiece. I re-read it recently and then felt like checking out the 1985 movie (they must have waited a year to make sure it was safe).

The movie stars John Hurt, but the only one who got hurt was me. I made it about halfway through before falling asleep on the couch, and was then woken up by Princess Poopybutt deciding to see how fast she can climb up it by grappling onto my face and just barely missing my eyeball.

As i sat there nursing the gushing geyser of blood from the bone deep Final Fantasy 8 scar that i now have, the rest of the movie became somewhat difficult to focus on. Whatever, i know how it ends. He loved Big Brother, and I hate my cat.

The Trial of The Incredible Hulk (1988)

This was awesome. There were a lot of Marvel flicks and shows from the pre-mcu era that are forgotten and mostly shitty. But the Bill Bixby/Lou ferignou Hulk series holds up as a classic. Still the best portrayal of Banner ever filmed, the show is just as much about his isolation and loneliness as it is about Hulk’s rampages. That sad hitchiking music is still effective and every time you see see him hulk up into that big snarling ass kicker you know shit’s gonna go down.

No need for modern CGI, Lou Ferrignou is literally just a really buff dude painted green, but the way he snarls and grimaces is totally believable as an unleashed demon of pure rage. He doesn’t need to smash tanks and leapfrog over buildings to be scary and cool, he just throws people and conks their heads together, and it rules. One time he even fought a gorilla, and you better believe that gorilla was a man in a gorilla suit. They don’t make TV like that anymore and that’s a tragedy.

In this movie he comes up against one of the biggest cunts in the entire Marvel Universe, Wilson Fisk, and of course you can’t have a kingpin story without Daredevil. Yeah, you're goddamn right they were doing team ups in movies even back then.

After Bruce Hulks the shit out of some scumbags on a subway, he gets framed for murder. He can’t give the police an alibi because it would mean exposing himself as the Hulk, so he’s in deep shit until Matt Murdock steps in as his attorney. There’s a lot of great stuff between the two characters, trying to learn how much they can trust each other with their own secrets.

Matty figures out the Kingpin's behind it all and they go to stop him but they get their asses kicked first, and then we see some character growth from Banner as he has to come to terms with his own curse in order to motivate Matt to kick ass again. Then they go and beat the shit out of Kingpin and all his goons before going their separate ways again. I guess that’s a spoiler but not really. It’s the Hulk and Daredevil, obviously they were gonna whoop somebody’s ass in the end. Most likely everybody's.

Slave Girls From Beyond Infinity (1987)

My uncle bequeathed this to me on VHS when i was a kid which is why i grew up so cool. Now that i’m a grown and cultured man-about-town i can fully appreciate it for the timeless masterpiece it is.

The acting? Bad. The story? Bad. The script? Bad. None of that matters. This is everything a movie should be. Beautiful women, hot jungles, scary robots, and very, very little clothing.

The two lead actresses in this movie are so extraordinarily, impossibly beautiful i don’t even understand how it ever got made without the director dropping dead from terminal boner-related anemia. They both spend the entirety of the movie wearing loincloths, lingerie, nightgowns, and nothing. Then just when you think the film can’t possibly get any better, a 3rd lady slave is introduced who’s even more naked, and also a brunette for variety’s sake.

The plot is something something outer space, then they crash land on a jungle planet where some cool horny guy keeps them in his palace, while also hunting them for sport with his robot guards or something. They spend the rest of the movie skinny dipping on the beach and playing pranks on the robots, who are clearly just guys in robot suits.

I don’t think i need to explain this any further. 10/10 greatest movie ever made.

The End. For now...

In conclusion, deactivate your Netflix, your Amazon, your HBO, and whatever else is bleeding you dry because it's all bullshit. Tubi is where it's at. I will continue to report my Tubi adventures for science and posterity.