Splatterhouse Wanpaku Grafiti (Namco Part 2)

Oh yeah baby, that’s right. This is what the whole thing was for. Splatterhouse, motherfucker. The most badass fuckin balls to the wall violent fucking horror-show of a game series there ever was. But this ain’t just any Splatterhouse, this is Splatterhouse…. WANPAKU GRAFITI. If you’re wondering what that random collection of sounds means i assure you, you’re not having a stroke. The reason it’s called those ugly sounds is because it’s a Japan only game, those guys don’t give a crap about making sense.

If you’re a pitiable fool who doesn’t know this series, let me break it down for you.

Splatterhouse 1 is a Fearsome fight through a haunted nightmare of scary spooky bullshit.

Splatterhouse 2 is a Helly horror indeed. A Gory fucking godsend with a banging soundtrack and some of the most memorable monsters to ever curse a video game. It’s totally fuckin fucked.

Splatterhouse 3 is a flawed funhouse of macabre mayhem, horrifically hampered by a time limit from hell.

Splatterhouse for the X-box 360 is God of War meets John Cena, powered by Gamer Fuel and Limp Bizkit.

But there’s one infamous iteration of the franchise which has hitherto eluded me. Released only in Japan, Splatterhouse Wanpaku Graffiti was a family friendly spoof of the series, where blood and gore is replaced by candy and pumpkins, a troupe of Swamp Things thriller dance with a Dracula, and the hardest boss in the game is a sewer dwelling, tornado spewing Chuck E. Cheese rat.

This little gem’s inclusion on the Namco Arcade collection was the entire reason i bought it. I mean come on, did you really think i give a rat’s ass about Pac-Man? I don’t. Well okay, I kinda do.

Yeah, no, Pac-Man’s cool. But that’s not the point. The point is i wanted to play this weird baby game, and now i finally did.

i’ve been waiting for this for like 39 years or something. So in the immortal words of Darkwing Duck, who always seemed like a Splatterhouse kind of guy, Let’s get dangerous.