Namco Museum (Part 1)

You kids today, you think you know, but you don’t know. You brats ain’t even gamers. I’m a gamer. I a real gamer. An Oldschool Gamer. I’m the Oldschool Fool, cause Oldschool’s cool, but you zoomers wouldn’t know anything about that. Damn kids with your dikey haircuts, Spotify music service and wet floppy pussy songs.

This is Namco, motherfucker. Do any of you weeping, joyless, xannie popping Greta Thunberg wannabes even know about fuckin Namco? Do you stinking rotten little billie eilish pajama suit wearin, tik-tokkin, emo-reviving little turdburglers even remember a time before video games were a subscription service?

Does even a single, solitary one of you rap-music ruining, discord trolling, comedian cancelling, mental-health midwits and politically radicalized mind-slaves, even heard of a little dude called Pac-Man? Or a little house called Splatterhouse? Or a little… dig dug called Dig Dug?

Well as much I’d love to waste my time sitting here and explaining it to you, I know you don’t listen to your smart conspiracy uncle on facebook so you’re not gonna listen to me either. All i can do is tell you to educate yourself, but you won’t even listen to that, so i have no choice but to go with option C, and just show you. Here i go, guiding you by the hand into the world of pure imagination that existed before the smouldering planetary civilization sized pile-up on the information superhighway that you miserable wretches have inherited. 

Hey, it could be worse, my generation had to see it happen in real time, and it was quite traumatic, which is why every guy my age is obsessed with building the perfect "mancave" to retreat to when the world is too scary. It's a cope. A safety bunker from a world that hates to be cool and outlawed fun years ago.

But i know what you’re thinking, this post is getting a bit too depressing for a video of a grown man playing pac-man and talking to himself at 4 in the morning, which is obviously super cool and not depressing at all. I agree. It’s not fault your generation is such a downer to talk about, maybe if you weren’t so busy calling everything cringe you could have some fun once in a while like us cool as ice, totally rad and impossibly fucked millennials. You don’t hear us complaining, and we’re old enough to remember what was lost.

Anyways blah blah i’m a fuckin old head, i like Dig Dug and fuckin Pac-Man. I don’t understand what young people are down with and i can’t drink milk anymore without shitting myself. It’ll happen to you, oh wait, no it won’t because by the time you’re my age you’ll all be dead from global warming or some shit. Or you’ll be living in fuckin Mad Max world, one more thing you culture vultures are appropriating from before you were born. I mean i wasn’t born yet either, Mad Max was a pretty long time ago, but my point stands I think.

Now I don’t know about you, but when i think of Pac-man i think of two things. One is the charmingly weird, and very nostalgic pac-man point and click adventure game for the Sega Genesis, Pac-Man 2 The New Adventures, and the other is the youtube video of Jerma985 making fun of Pac-Man 2 The New Adventures.

Well in a truly offensive omission Pac-Man 2 The New Adventures is nowhere to be found on this so-called collection of Namco arcade games, probably because it was on The Sega Genesis, but it’s not on any damn Sega Genesis collection either so how about i just fucking kill myself? Whose ass do i gotta kick to make this right and get some Pac Man 2 The New Adventures up in old Blue Glow? Am i gonna have to get fuckin loaded on power pellets and devour a nigga whole?

Whatever, it doesn’t matter. This is Part one, part two is even cooler.

By the way, i wrote this last night, and just now as i wake up and post this, what do i find but a new AVGN video for Pac-Man 2, The New fucking Adventures. You know, if every person in the entire fucking world could stop ripping me off, even just for a moment, that would be swell. 

But oh well, C'est la fuckin vie. It's just one of my many curses that i must wallow in poverty and failure while also living in a world where the pea-brained populace perpetually praise Bo Burnham's Netflix knock-off for blowing their tiny minds with shit i did over half a decade ago, and Jungle Boy's shameless gimmick infringement with a song he's too young to even fucking remember. 

One of these days they'll all fucking pay. The Footwear man will rise again and take back what has been stolen.