Midnight Pals: Heinous Losers

[mysterious campfire of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: i have a new tasssk for you
Rowling: and thisss isss one that even a gaggle of buffoonsss like you can accomplish
Rowling: i'm looking at you allisssson
Allison Bailey: [sweating, clutching briefcase]

Rowling: desspite our iron grip on all the leversss of power
Rowling: people sstill think that we're a bunch of weird losssersss
Rowling: judging usss for our very normal dessire to inssspect peopless junk
Jesse Singal: and childrens junk too, don't forget that mommy
Rowling: of coursse i wouldn't forget that jessssse
Rowling: inspecting childrenss junk is the most important part

Rowling: as you know, pedro pascal called me a heinous loser
Kathleen Stock: a monstrous slur, dark lord!
Stock: why, someone should turn him into a blueberry for that!
Rowling:
Stock: don't you think? i mean don't you think?
Rowling:

Rowling: why is blueberrification always your go to thing
Stock: i just think
Stock: i just think it would be interesting
Stock: a big round sexy blueberry
Allison Bailey: [briefcase flies open, spaghetti explodes out]
Bailey: i'm sorry i'm sorry
Bailey: i tried to hold it in
Bailey: i really did

Rowling: i want you to start a smear campaign against pedro passcal
Rowling: i know that sstrangely our extermination campaign against an unpopular minority hassn't endeared uss to the public
Rowling: but i'm certain that a bullying campaign against a popular actor will be different

Rowling: the people will have to choosssse
Rowling: who do they love more -- pedro pascal or jk rowling?
Rowling: i'm pretty confident
Rowling: how could anyone NOT choosse me?
Rowling: i made your insssufferable millenial parentss' childhoodss magical, after all!

Allison Bailey: b-but dark lord! pedro pascal... he is friend to all children!
Rowling: bah!
Jesse Singal: he is beloved all the world over!
Rowling: Feh!
Kathleen Stock: he would be so sexy as a blueberry
Rowling:

Rowling: again with the blueberries
Rowling: why are you on about the blueberriesss
Rowling: i don't like when we talk about booksss that i didn't write
Rowling: you should be talking about harry potter, the only relevant book every written
Rowling: which you did read, right?
Stock: i
Rowling: it was required reading for entry into the circle
Stock:
Rowling: oh my god did you not read it

Stock: i
Stock: i liked the scene with aunt marge
Rowling: huh, that's funny, mosst of my terf deatheaterss like the bit with the goblinss bessst
Rowling: oh
Rowling: oh wait
Rowling: oh that's gross
Stock: nooo don't look at me, dark lord!
Bailey: [crying, gathering up spaghetti] i'm cleaning it up i'm cleaning it up don't be mad dark lord