Midnight Pals: Gruffaloed

[at a scottish castle]
JK Rowling's agent: hey jk i uh have some news
Rowling: ahhh cynthia!
Rowling: its been a really long time sssince we did a bit with you
Rowling: bringing back the classssicsss i sssee

JK Rowling: itsss jusst another fine day of being the mossst beloved writer in the UK
[agent whispers in Rowling's ear]
Rowling: what? oh
Rowling: well
Rowling: at leasst itss jussst another fine day of being the besst sselling writer in the UK
agent:

agent: actually joanne there's a bit of bother with the 'best selling author' status thing
Rowling: a bit of bother?
agent: yes just a bit
agent: barely a bit
agent: more like a spot of bother

agent: it seems that you are no longer the best selling author in the UK
Rowling: what
agent: yeah it seems that julia donaldson is now the best selling author in the UK
Rowling: WHAT

Rowling: how can thissss be?!
Rowling: julia donaldssson sssellsss more booksss than me?
Rowling: but sssurely not by
agent: yes by volume
Rowling: BY VOLUME!?!?
Rowling: MY EMPIRE CRUMBLESS AROUND ME >:C

Rowling: sssso
Rowling: thisss ssso-called julia donaldssson sssellsss more bookss than me?
agent: i'm afraid so
Rowling: thiss iss missogyny
agent:
Rowling: hass anyone insspected this julia donaldssonss genitalss?
agent: uhh
Rowling: i mean ssomeone really should
Rowling: to enssure fairnesss

Rowling: how iss thisss happening?
Rowling: do people not remember that i wrote harry potter thirty yearss ago?
Rowling: the mossst beloved bookss of 1997-2007!!
Rowling: i made your parentsss childhoodsss magical!!!

Rowling: ok ok thiss iss not a problem
Rowling: i'll ssimply write a NEW sseriess of universsally beloved bookss
Rowling: perhapss about a detective who hangss out with rich people in fancy resstaurantsss

agent: i don't know that people will find a detective who hangs out with rich people in fancy restaurants very relatable
Rowling: itss relatable to me!!
Rowling: i mean my god what elsse would you do with your time?

Rowling: ok FINE
Rowling: i'll make thisss detective relatable to the LOWLY BOOK PURCHASSING COMMONER
Rowling: thatss no problem, i certainly haven't losst touch with the common man
Rowling: ok um
Rowling:
Rowling: what if the detective alsso had really bad gasss?

Julia Donaldson: [kicking in door] YO YO YO DONALDSON IN DA HOUSE!!!!
Donaldson: GET GRUFFALOED, BITCH!!! [blows airhorn in rowling's face]
Rowling: this isss the mosst public of my many public embarrasssmentsss