Midnight Pals: Rings of Power

[at unicorn fuck club]
GRR Martin: hey jrrt we just saw that peter Jackson movie
CS Lewis: yeah it was pretty good
JRR Tolkien: bleh
Tolkien: they never make the hobbits hot enough
Tolkien: there are entire shots where you can't see their feet at all

JRR Tolkien: god why can't anyone make a decent adaptation of my work?
Tolkien: peter Jackson, ralph bakshi, rankin bass
Tolkien: not a one of them understand the essence of middle earth!
Tolkien: which is sexy, sexy hobbit feet
Tolkien: big stinky hairy sexy hobbit feet

Tolkien: also whats with all these sexy dwarves?
Tolkien: thorin oakenshield should NOT be a dime!
Peter Jackson: yeah i guess Richard Armitage is pretty hot
Tolkien: what? who?
Tolkien: i was talking about hans conried!

Tolkien: look
Tolkien: i only have 4 rules for lord of the rings
Tolkien: ONE - the hobbits have incredibly sexy hairy feet
Tolkien: TWO - the dwarves should be fucking ugly as fuck
Tolkien: THREE - tom Bombadil is a capering buffoon
Tolkien: and FOUR - we don't fuckin talk about the wizards!

Tolkien: perhaps my middle earth is just too epic to be captured on film
GRR Martin: what about in song?
Tolkien: is this about that rock and or roll music?
Tolkien: i despise rock and or roll in all of its forms

JD Payne: hey jrrt you want a REAL LOTR adaptation?
Patrick McKay: cuz we're making a whole series on the only platform BIG enough
Payne: amazon prime!
McKay: amazon prime!
Payne: is it filmed like a mastercard commercial? you better believe it!
McKay: cuz it's amazon prime!!!

JD Payne: oh you want Lord of the Rings?
Patrick McKay: well you better buckle up, mother fucker
Payne: cuz this ain't your DAD'S LOTR
McKay: get ready to get POWERED UP
Payne: with the RINGS! OF! POWER! [plays air guitar]

JD Payne: alright you guys ready for this?
Patrick McKay: wut whut
Payne: cuz it's time for
McKay: RINGS
Payne: OF
McKay & Payne: POWAHHHHHH [air horn sounds]

McKay: check it out bitches its the rings of power
Payne: a whole new grid!
McKay: nothing like the peter Jackson movies you've come to know and love!
Payne: totally unrelated!
McKay: unless you want it to be related
Payne: do you want it to be related?
McKay: cuz we could

Tolkien: ok how is this adaptation different?
Payne: we bimbofied Galadriel
Tolkien:
Tolkien:
Tolkien:

Payne: but wait there's more!
McKay: there's this wizard that fell out of the sky!
Payne: this wizard is
Tolkien: it better not fucking be one of those blue wizards
McKay:
Payne:

Tolkien: i specifically said NO ONE SAYS ANYTHING ABOUT THE BLUE WIZARDS
McKay: no of course not it's uhhh
Payne: it's Gandalf
McKay: yeah yeah that's the ticket it's gandalf