Midnight Pals: The Dorsai

Stephen King: listen guys
King: i'm kinda concerned that those bullies over at clarion west might try to pull something
King: so i've hired some security for the campfire
Poe: you what
Poe: steve why would you do that
King: no no trust me on this

King: so i hired the dorsai irregulars as security
Poe: the what
King: it's a special security force made up of sci fi fans
King: led by robert asprin
King: you'll like him, he's funny
Poe: like piers anthony funny or terry pratchett funny
King: uhhh
King: 

King: submitted for the approval of the midnight-
Robert Asprin: hold up
Barker: what is this
Robert Asprin: i am currently assessing thread levels
Barker: steve who is this guy
Asprin: SIR
Asprin: SIR
Asprin: PLEASE
Asprin: remain calm

Asprin: sir please step over here
Asprin: i am scanning the area for potential security risks
Barker: steve what the fuck is this
King: oh this is robert asprin, he's doing security
Asprin: scanning
Asprin: scanning
Asprin:
Barker: steve what the-
Asprin: SCANNING

Barker: steve what is this
King: its the dorsai irregulars, a security force made up of sci fi fans
Barker: oh yeah? great
Barker: cuz when i think of effective security
Barker: i definitely think of sci fi fans
Barker: definitely the guys you want to rely on in a pinch

King: i think you're being unfair clive
King: i think these guys can probably be pretty professional
King: i mean, look
King: they have matching berets and everything
Barker: oh are their fedoras in the wash

Robert Asprin: sir i have a story
King: oh is it a scary story?
Asprin: sir it is a funny story sir
Asprin: it is about a demon from the dimension perv
Asprin: making him a perVECT
Asprin: not a perVERT
King:
Poe:
Barker:
Koontz:
Lovecraft:

Asprin: a perVECT, not a perVERT
Asprin: that is the joke sir
Barker: this fucking sucks
Asprin: sir i'm going to need to ask you to step aside sir
Barker: what the?! NO
Asprin: sir i need to perform an ocular patdown
Barker: what the fuck- NO.

Mary Shelley: sup fuckers?
Asprin: MA'AM
Asprin: i will need you to submit to an ocular patdown before i can allow you entry to this campfire perimeter
Shelley: what the fuck
Shelley: steve who the fuck is this
Barker: yeah see that's what i was saying

Asprin: MA'AM
Asprin: MA'AM
Asprin: i cannot allow you to take this weapon into the campfire perimeter
King: oh rob that's just mary, she's cool
Asprin: SIR
Asprin: i need you step back and let me do my job
King: but rob-
Asprin: SIR

Asprin: ma'am i need you to hand over the weapon
Shelley: oh you want me to give you my knife
Asprin: yes ma'am i need you to give it to me
Shelley: yeah i'll give it to you
Shelley: i'll give it to you alright
Shelley: [stabs asprin]

Asprin: man down! man down!
Asprin: aughhhh
Asprin: and i only got to tell my pervect/pervert joke one time