Midnight Pals: Final Girl

Stephen Graham Jones: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the girl who’s obsessed with slashers
Jones: there’s this girl who just constantly talks about slashers
Barker: oh that sounds really annoying
Jones:
Barker: like that sounds SO annoying

Jones: so one day she thinks she might be in the middle of her own slasher movie
Jones: and she thinks oh shit this rules
Jones: people are just gonna get murdered left and right
Jones: this fucking rocks

King: so why’s she think she’s in a slasher movie? is there a killer on the loose?
Jones: oh it’s cuz this hot virginal girl moves into town
King:
King: wait so not because anyone gets murdered?
Jones: no just cuz this hot girl moves in
Jones: i mean that’s usually the first indication that a slasher is around right?
King: to be honest, it’s not usually the first thing I’d think of
Poe: yeah that could indicate a lot of different things

Jones: so this hot but very pure girl moves into town
King: and somehow that makes the slasher-obsessed girl think that she’s in a slasher movie come to life?
King: but why would tha-
Joss Whedon: [shrieking] SHE’S THE FINAL GIRL!!!
Whedon: LET ME TELL THE STORY!
Whedon: I KNOW ALL THE TROPES!

Jones: see, this girl knows the rules of a slasher movie
Jones: so she knows how to-
Joss Whedon: OH! OH!!!
Whedon: OH!!!!!!
Whedon: PICK ME!! PICK ME!! I have thoughts on this!!
Jones:
Jones: no
Whedon: b-b-b
Whedon: [weakly] b-but the tropes
Whedon: [weakly] i-i need the tropes to live
Whedon: [weakly] p-please
Whedon: [weakly] the tropes
Whedon: [pathetic cough]

Jones: also in the midst of this a whole herd of elk mysteriously dies
Jones: possibly from overexertion during a pick up basketball game
King:
Poe:
Jones: It could happen

Jones: so this girl sees some classmates going to a party
Jones: so she puts on her michael myers mask and kind of stalks around in the background
Jones: as you do

Jones: there’s a summer camp that was once the site of a slasher-type massacre. It was on the other side of the lake, up the road with the gas station, you know, the one  old man McGee ran? He used to sell sodas in cans, not with the pop tops. With the pull tabs. They don’t make those anymore, you can’t even get them.
King: so about that massacre
Jones: this is what we call local color

Jones: so i had to take the ferry over to terra nova. so i tied an onion to my belt, as was the style at the time. we didn’t have white onions on account of the war
Koontz: [crying] when are we gonna get to the massacre