Midnight Pals: New Harry Potter

[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: great newssss
Rowling: they’re making a new harry potter ssseriessss on HBO
Rowling: and thissss time
Rowling: thisss time we’ll do it right

Rowling: I’ve been VERY dissssappointed
Rowling: to find that the kids from the original moviessss turned out to ssssupport transss rightsss
Rowling: I don’t know how they get away with sssssaying that
Rowling: I made them! I own them!

Rowling: they should be compelled to obey ME!
Rowling: I mussst have accidentally given them clothesss at sssome point

Rowling: but I plan to be heavily involved in thisss new potter ssseriessss
Rowling: and, believe me, I will be heavily sssscrutinizing thessse new actorssss
Rowling: essspecially when they’re sshowering

Rowling: I’m making a new potter sssseriessss
Rowling: and there’s gonna be ssome
Rowling: CHANGESSS
Rowling: around here
Rowling: firssst of all, harry potter is a nazi now
Rowling: I’ve decided that fascism is good now

Rowling: the deatheaters are all evil queers and drag queens now
Rowling: and I want hookier noses on those goblins!!
Rowling: maybe put ssssome payot on them
Rowling: i don't want there to be any misssunderssstandingsss about what i'm ssssaying

Rowling: I need a big doofy oaf
Rowling: just a big hairy bumbling loser who fucks up all his relationships
Rowling: glinner
Rowling: you’re gonna be our new hagrid

Rowling: now we need some stupid old hippie
Rowling: just a real annoying loudmouth hippie that everyone can shit on
Rowling: nina, I think you would be a great trelawny
Nina Paley: it’s the part I was born to play!

Rowling: and for cho chang
Rowling: I choose Ishida Tatsuya
Tatsuya: I’m Japanese
Rowling:
Rowling: look it’s not my fault you all look alike
Tatsuya: also I’m a guy
Rowling: LOOK I already said it’s not my fault you all look alike

Rowling: jesse, my loyal wormtail
Jesse Singal: yes mommy
Rowling: I have saved the best part for you
Singal: mommy mommy mommy!
Rowling: for you shall me
Singal: [vibrating] MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY!!!

Rowling: you shall be
Singal: MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY
Rowling: Anthony Goldstein
Singal:
Singal: oh I thought I was gonna get to be harry potter
Rowling: you? Harry potter? Ha!
Rowling: don’t make me laugh!
Rowling: I’m saving that for matt walsh