Midnight Pals: Crime Time

[mysterious circle of robed figures]
Jesse Singal: mommy mommy look at me!!
Singal: I’m a real reporter!!!
JK Rowling: you’re doing great jesssse
Singal: I did it for you mommy!
Singal: I did it all for you!!!

Singal: mommy mommy!!!
Singal: I have an affadavit mommy!!!
Singal: a kid went to a clinic and said they were an attack helicopter and got hormones!!!
Singal: I saw the helicopter and the helicopter looked at me!!!
Rowling:
Rowling: ssssoundssss legit

Singal: a kid went to a clinic & said they were an attack helicopter & got hormones!!!!!
Rowling: that definitely ssoundss like ssomething that would happen
Rowling: wait what kind of hormoness
Singal:
Singal: helicopter hormones?
Rowling:
Rowling: right right of coursse
Rowling: there’sss no way that couldn’t be real

Jesse Singal: mommy mommy people are being mean to me online
Singal: they’re saying that the helicopter thing was a self-deprecating joke!
Rowling: that doesssn’t sssound right
Rowling: everyone knowssss that transsss people never sssay anything that isssn’t 100% true

Rowling: that’ssss why you have to take everything they sssay absssolutely at face value
Rowling: except when they talk about their gender
Rowling: that’sss the only exception

JK Rowling: excellent work, jessssse
Rowling: thissss will definitely help our causssse
Rowling: when they hear how we’re sssspreading private medical information about children, people will definitely underssstand that we’re the good guyssss in thissss situation

Rowling: wow, look at all this private medical information! This is great!
Rowling: wait one second, I’m getting a note from my lawyer
[alison bailey places lump of wet spaghetti in JK Rowling’s hand]

Singal: mommy look I got an affidavit saying that the helicopter is real!!
Singal: you can’t lie in an affidavit!!!
Singal: [examining affadavit closely] huh
Singal: funny thing about this affadavit
Singal: it was never notarized
Singal: [trips, spaghetti falls out of affidavit]

Singal: golly mommy!!! People are saying that I did a hippaa violation!!
Singal: I better destroy this evidence!
Singal: [more spaghetti falling out of pockets] where does all this spaghetti keep coming from?

Singal: [desperately shoving wet spaghetti back into pockets] hey does anyone know if it’s a crime to do a crime