Midnight Pals: Legally Binding

JK Rowling: hello children
Poe: oh
Poe: joanne
Rowling: I want to invite you all to hear my ssspecial podcassst appearance
Poe: oh god
Barker: what’s it called
Rowling: it’s called ‘the witch trialsss of jk rowling’
Barker: ah hahaha

Rowling: ssssee, it referssss to the fact that I wrote a book about witchesss
Rowling: but also, like historical witchesss, I have been unfairly persecuted
Barker: damn did you think of that yourself
Rowling: I’ve been workssshopping it for a while

Rowling: it’sss come to my attention
Rowling: that you lot have been criticizing me
Barker: damn what gave you that impression
Poe: clive
Barker: real big brain moments here
Poe: clive

Rowling: for too long, I’ve been silenced
Rowling: now it’s time for ME to do the ssssilencing
Rowling: with the most POWERFUL spell of all
King: oh no! the killing curse!
Rowling: NO
Rowling: WORSE
Rowling: [handing legal papers to King] you have been sssilenced

Rowling: [hanging legal papers to Poe] you have been sssilenced
Poe: what’s this
Rowling: papers from my solicitor
Rowling: that’s a lawyer by the way
Poe: I know what that is

Rowling: these paperssss legally prohibit you from making fun of me
Poe: what’s this red stain? Spaghetti sauce?
Rowling: jusssst ignore that
Barker: ahahah
Rowling: I’v got papersss for you too clive
Barker: oh this is some bullshit

Rowling: it’s time that everyone heard MY side of the story
King: what’s your side of the story?
Rowling: my side is
Rowling: “golly I’m just a simple childrens writer golly”
King: oh wow she makes a good point
Poe: no she doesn’t steve
King: but she’s just a simple-
Poe: steve

Rowling: now that you’ve all received letters from my solicitor
Rowling: no one is ever allowed to make fun of me again
Mary Shelley: hey I been looking through these papers
Shelley: and funny thing, I don’t see any anti-shiv clause in here
Rowling:
Barker: oh damn joanne that’s a big oversight

Rowling: for too long the transsss have allowed to post freely
Rowling: but who’s telling my ssside of the sssstory?
Rowling: besides the entire British media establishment
Rowling: but other than that, who?