Mr. Perfect: Chapter 5

“None of these dress shirts fit anymore!” Ricardo exclaimed. “They barely even button. What am I supposed to wear?”

The boys were getting ready for dinner with Ricardo’s parents, Daniel and Paula. Ricardo had been brimming with anxiety all day. Daniel and Paula were a tough crowd and hard to please. They were strict parents with an icy edge that rarely received Ricardo’s friends or boyfriends very well. They were so cruel to his ex, who was a star athlete, that he cried on the way home. Ricardo could only imagine what they would say to his plump boyfriend who sold weed at minimum wage.

“You’re wearing that?” Ricardo blurted out as Gavin emerged wearing a button up covered in a pattern of bright red cherries.

“None of mine fit either, babe. This is the only one that does.”

Ricardo grumbled and turned his attention back to himself. He was trying to squeeze into a large shirt that he had bought just last month. It was the roomiest one he owned, yet still not roomie enough. He got the first buttons closed but the bottom four were a tight squeeze. He had to suck in with all his might to get them done up and when he exhaled they hung on for dear life.

What was he going to do? This shirt was completely inappropriate to wear in public and he didn't have the time to stop at the mall. Then he spied an old oversized cashmere sweater in the back of his closet. He threw it on over the shirt and it fit perfectly. It was a little warm outside for outerwear but he had no other choice.

“Sorry for being psychotic,” Ricardo smooched his boyfriend on their way out the door. “My parents can be a nightmare and in all honesty they will probably be rude to you. So I apologize in advance. At the very least, once I tell them I’m failing a class that’s all they will obsess on.”

“Don’t sweat it, babe. All that matters is that you’re at my side.”

The boys arrived at Ricardo’s parents’ favorite steakhouse right on time. As soon as they got out of the car, Ricardo’s self esteem dropped and he began to feel massively overweight. Walking in tandem with Gavin, their shoulders back with bellies forward and wobbling, he realized they were undeniably a fat couple.

His parents were already seated when they arrived and remained seated, simply eyeing the boys up and down with gazes lingering on their overfed midsections. Ricardo made introductions which were awkwardly received and the boys sat down. Doing so, Ricardo couldn’t help but notice the bottom button of his boyfriend’s shirt bowed significantly revealing a patch of fuzzy belly.

“You’re late,” Paula said.

“Mom, it’s two minutes past. We’re on time, we just had to get seated.”

Before Ricardo even had a chance to usher in small talk his mother went for the jugular.

“So Gavin, what is it that you do?”

When Gavin replied with a steady coolness, Paula raised her eyebrows in silence. She proceeded to ask if he smoked weed and then listed a litany of negative side effects of marijuana, the final item being weight gain. She emphasized this point with a lack of subtlety.

“Speaking of,” Gavin responded in a jovial manner, “what are we ordering? Boy, am I hungry,” he said and patted his gut teasingly.

Paula scoffed. “And Ricardo, how is the gym lately? Are you still attending?”

“Yeah, mom. Every week,” Ricardo lied.

In reality, Ricardo couldn’t remember the last time he hit the gym. It surely was over a month ago. Being put in the hot seat on this topic was making Ricardo… well, hot. He was beginning to sweat out of nervousness and the cashmere sweater was only making matters worse. He could feel his brow growing damp.

“There is no hiding that gut you’ve grown,” Daniel chimed in. “It wasn’t there six months ago. We know law school is stressful, but want to make sure you’re staying healthy is all. I recall when I was getting my JD, a colleague of mine gained almost one hundred pounds in one year. By the time he graduated he looked like a different person.”

“Thanks for your concern Dad, but it’s just a few pounds. I’ll start hitting the treadmill more, it’ll melt off. My metabolism is fast after all.”

“That’s more than a few pounds,” Paula said gravely. “Do you even know how much you weigh?”

Ricardo realized for the first time that he did not know how much weighed. In fact, he hadn’t stepped on a scale in ages. He wondered how many pounds of fat going up three pants sizes equated to. Surely it wasn’t that much, at the very least it wasn’t a hundred pounds. Not knowing how to answer his mother, he looked down and took a sip of water.

“You’re pushing 30 now son, you’re not going to be able to rely on your metabolism forever. Speaking of law school, how are things going?”

“Honestly, I’m failing one of my classes.”

A stunned silence befell the table. Ricardo could now feel beads of sweat dripping from his armpits and caressing his back fat. His shirt was now glued down with sweat and wherever the cashmere touched his skin it itched. Desperate to remove his sweater he slid one hand underneath to confirm his shirt buttons were too strained for the public eye. In fact, he had even lost a button at some point.

With difficulty, Ricardo rattled off excuses for his poor academic performance. Ricardo was not a good liar and in fact never had to lie about his work performance in the past. With each passing moment of Ricardo fumbling for words, his parents were growing highly suspect of the chubby boyfriend in the corner who was awkwardly gobbling all the bread off the table. Clearly, this schlub was to blame for their golden child’s precipitous decline.

Ricardo could sense all these suspicions at play and wished he could somehow convey how happy and in love he was. How for the first time in his life he wasn’t addled with stress. He wanted to tell them how good it felt to eat rich foods and grow plump. Being free of societal expectations was a gift that Gavin had bestowed on him and he was grateful.

Underneath the table Ricardo gripped his lover’s hand as he mustered up the nerve to make an announcement.

“Look, Mom, Dad, I understand your concerns. I really do. But I’m doing so well right now and I’m happier than I’ve ever been. So I want to make an announcement, actually two announcements.”

“Oh here we go,” Paula drolled.

“The first is that Gavin and I are moving in together. We love each other and this just makes sense.”

“And the second,” Paula prodded.

“The second is news to everyone here. I’m dropping out of law school. I’ve had enough. I’m done.”