After AnimeCon 2: With Friends Like These

    “Chloe,” Monique hissed under her breath. “Are you literally going to let that dumb bitch just, just—walk all over you like that?!”

    While everyone else was explaining what they wanted for Tanya to thumb into her phone as an order, Monique had pulled one of the lawn chairs over closer to Chloe so that they could speak with one another in low voices and not be overheard.

    “She’s going to get what’s coming to her,” Christine promised, narrowing her eyes for dramatic effect as she glared across the bonfire in Kelly’s direction. “Just you wait.”

    “But, I mean—!” Monique huffed, crossing her arms. “You should’ve like, said something. Took that slut down a peg or two. And, she’s with Emily. You can open up that whole can of worms, because that already right there is just—cray-cray!”

    Christine tore her eyes away from the lovely Kelly and Emily seated over on the couch to regard Monique with a tired expression, but the scowling blonde ‘friend’ was so busy making a show of glowering that she didn’t notice. Holding up a mirror to one of Chloe’s past friendships like this revealed all of the toxicity she’d thought it would, but also a part of her felt pangs of sympathy. Chloe had been twisted in her own way, but when she fell in with other warped individuals they fed off of each other’s nonsense and reinforced each other’s ravings until they had become a little pocket of malignancy. A group of young women poisoning one another’s minds in a vicious cycle until their clique had gone from being a little unwell to being a genuine cancerous tumor.

    I even said ‘JUST YOU WAIT’ like I’m some sort of cartoon villain, Christine took a deep breath and then let it out as a slow sigh. She didn’t even blink. Generic stock VILLAIN dialogue, and—yeah. Doesn’t bat an eye. Situation normal, nothing to see here. No need to be concerned, it’s just your usual Chloe saying typical Chloe things, I guess.

    It was true that Kelly was going to get what was coming to her, but unbeknownst to Monique, that would probably come in the form of a heartfelt thank you and some words of appreciation later on, when they found a moment of privacy. Christine had drawn a blank on how to proceed with the balancing act charade of being Chloe back there, and Kelly had stepped up and stunned everyone by just immediately resolving the situation.

    With the tiniest little slip of tongue, too, Christine worked her lips. It was… amazing. It was more than a kiss.

    Shimmers of silver reflected beams of beautiful distant starlight at recalling it.

    It was this whole collision of situations I didn’t know how to deal with suddenly being defused, and the RELIEF of that. Like the fuse was lit and burning merrily on its way towards this inevitable EXPLOSIVE CONFRONTATION— because that’s what Chloe would do, and that’s what everyone expects Chloe would do. And then, Kelly just steps forward and snuffs out that incendiary line with a big wet kiss. Sizzle! Out goes the problems. Then she moves on, and I don’t have to pretend to be working myself up into this predictable DETONATION, because I can just be stunned instead, because—because I WAS stunned. Genuinely. Everyone was. Hell, now Michael will be telling people about that moment for years.

    “You’re seriously not even going to say anything?” Monique whined again. “Because—”

    “Monique, I didn’t come here to pick fights with some random pushy bitch,” Christine tried to sound like she was in a terrible mood. “I’m here… because Brian’s back.”

    “I know, just—tssk,” Monique responded. “Well, whatever. Like, yeah you definitely made the right call dressing up a bit extra, there. I mean—geez. Just look at him! Um, trying too hard, much? It’s honestly pathetic. He’s being so obvious. What a clown.”

    It was hard not to arch an eyebrow at all of that, because there was just so much for Christine to unpack, there. The subtle note of disdain hidden in Monique’s tone when praising ‘Chloe’ for dolling up tonight, then following with blatant mockery of Brian for apparently doing the same. Taken at face value, her friend’s words here could be misunderstood as supportive. What Monique was actually doing was gloating over their supposed misery and misfortune, and hoping to prod the two into greater conflict for her own entertainment.

    “He… actually looks really good tonight,” Christine tried to sound glum about it, but only somewhat succeeded.

    “What? Ew, no way,” Monique was even worse at lying than she was. “He’s all like… ooh, look at me. So full of himself. I mean, that shirt? It doesn’t even fit at all, like he’s trying to show off by like, like—it’s like he’s wearing a children’s size shirt. Ohmigod that’s a good one—you should use that. You totally should. Children’s size shirt. Hah.”

    “Yeah, hah,” Christine scoffed as she once again drank in the sight of him. “I guess you’re right. It’s actually so gross the way the fabric just clings to every little swell of his musculature and outlines it all—like he’s trying to be all nasty and sexual, all of the sudden.”

    “Exactly! Exactly!” Monique whispered in agreement. “Yeah, ugh. He used to be way more reserved and sensible and stuff and not all—you know. Modest! That’s the word. He used to be modest. He’s literally just doing this tonight to make you jealous, and it’s so obvious.”

    “So what if his abdominal V is so defined that it’s like, pinching the fabric when he twists just the right way in the light of the fire?” Christine decided to start laying it on extra thick. “Who even likes big shoulders like that? Like, yuck? That’s so… overly masculine? That’s not my thing. It’s too much.”

    “Yeah. Yeah,” Monique nodded along. “Exactly.”

    “The whole big sexy manly man thing?” Christine made a noise of disgust. “That’s so outdated and patriarchal. Like hello, it’s current year and we’ve moved past where that kind of revolting sexist crap is okay. Girls don’t want to be dominated by a big strong guy like that anymore. It’s problematic, and honestly just gross?”

    “Ohmigod, I was just about to say that, yeah,” Monique was quick to agree. “Took the words right out of my—”

    “Like, imagine him just bending you over the furniture whenever he wanted to have his way with you,” Christine clicked her tongue in apparent disapproval. “I mean, what are we supposed to do, just submit to the big strong stupid man, just because he’s a little tiny bit good-looking? So what?! That kind of thing’s not what real women are even into—and he needs to get a fucking clue. Real women don’t want guys who look like that folding them into pretzels on the couch, on the bed, on the floor with just like… constant, nonstop dirty sex.”

    “Yeah, I mean uh, hah,” Monique let out an uneasy laugh. “He um, wow he must’ve really put you through it? That sounds… yeah, super rough. But, I mean—”

    “You have no idea,” Christine lowered her voice. “The very last time we were… you know. Together? He really slapped the shit out of me.”

    “No way!” Monique turned towards her in genuine surprise. “For real? Chloe, if he really hit you—”

    “He did,” Christine confirmed. “My bottom was super raw and red for hours afterwards. I could barely sit down. It was so fucking humiliating.”

    “O-oh, your butt—so like, he spanked you?” Monique asked, perking up with interest. “Wow. Still—that’s still not okay. That kind of thing. Actually. Guys can’t just be all like punishing us however they want. No means no, you know?”

    “Exactly,” Christine growled. “I hate how he kept basically like forcing me to cum. Over and over. Whether or not I even consented to orgasm. That’s too much—I’m not just some sex object that he can toy with or use and abuse as he pleases. I hate how humiliating that was, how he basically kept me crawling back each time to just… beg for more. That’s not okay. That’s not okay.”

    “Well, like yeah,” Monique swallowed hard. “He—did all that? I mean, wow. You uh, you hardly ever talked about… that stuff. Or whatever you all really got up to. You guys were so private about that stuff. I never would have thought! Wow. That’s crazy?”

    “I don’t even know what’s worse,” Christine sighed. “The way I had to just endure him, him brutalizing me, or how much I want it, now that he’s not anymore.”

    “It sounds like he uh, he was conditioning you, or grooming you or something,” Monique sounded shocked. “Which is like—whoa, big yikes. That’s just unbelievable, I can’t believe all that was going on. But, wow. That uh. That makes so much sense. And, you’re so brave! Wow. Going through all of that. We need to like, do something about all of this. We need a game plan?”

    “I’m going to get back at him,” Christine delivered the promise with a cold intensity. “Want to really make him suffer.”

    “We can do that,” Monique said. “Gurl—now you’re speakin’ my language. We can totally do that!”

    “Make him cum over and over and over again, see how he likes it,” Christine muttered as she stared at Brian in a distracted daze. “I’ll wring him dry, make him—”

    “Uhhh, wait wait time out,” Monique laughed. “We uh, I think let’s hold up a second and like, take a step back and think things through? Yeah? I think—and this is just me, here—I think to really get back at him, what you need to do? Is break up all of this.”

    Monique gestured around the bonfire gathering, where everyone else was talking and having fun.

    “The absolute best thing you could do, right now?” Monique proposed. “Start fucking his friends! Like, go through them and just ruin everything here, bit by bit. Michael and Tanya have been together forever, but you could totally like, get with him and then make them break up. It would destroy them. Mark? Pssh, that guy’s probably still a fucking virgin. And like, yeah so Will’s not all that great to look at, but he’d probably do anything you told him to. You know back when he had a job, he paid this streamer girl he was into three hundred dollars for this pair of socks she wore? Which like, uh, ew—”

    “But, what about Brian?” Christine tried not to smirk and shake her head at all of the terrible advice Monique was giving. “What do we do about—”

    “Then, I get Brian all wrapped around my finger,” Monique suggested. “It’s like the perfect plan. With you already telling me about like, how he is I’d be all ready for that and able to like, get a handle on it ahead of time. Then I can totally screw him over. Believe me. The guy I was with before Tom—”

    “You’re not just trying to hook up with Brian, are you?” Christine allowed suspicion to creep into her tone. “Because—”

    “Oh please, bleugh, yeah no way,” Monique was quick to deny it. “I mean just to like, really wreck him. If you try to do this yourself, what if he like pulls you back into that stuff? It’d be way more difficult for you two, since you have all that history together and stuff. Whereas I can like, be impartial and take care of things with a clear head. Not saying that you DON’T have a clear head, just like—”

    “Okay, good,” Christine said. “Because like—I don’t want you to go through what I went through. I’d be worried that he would like, chew you up and spit you out. Like he did with me, I don’t want any other girl having to experience that. He could like, ruin you for other guys.”

    “No, like—no way,” Monique laughed her fake laugh. “Not me. I would totally have him on a leash, honestly. For such a long time it was like you basically had him under control, right? I guess that’s what made all uhh, all this so surprising? But, now’s our chance for revenge!”

    “What about Emily and that new girl?” Christine asked.

    “Um, hello Emily is super sensitive and her ‘girlfriend’ is obviously a super suh-LUUUT,” Monique scoffed. “You might not even have to do anything. Hell, she’ll probably try to bone her way through everyone in the group before you can even get a chance—which is why you have to act fast! This with Brian, this needs to be your getting back at him. Right?”

* * *

    “Alright, I have everyone’s money,” Tanya called. “Now, we need volunteer to go pick the food up.”

    “Babe—Instadash it,” Michael laughed. “We can just get it delivered. Don’t gotta interrupt the party for—”

    “Oh?” Tanya’s eyebrows went up. “You know difference in price Instadashing food for fifteen people, Michael? When add one third of cost to order for Instadash convenience charge? Add delivery fee for us to be outside of delivery area? Priority service surcharge? Taxes? Fifteen percent tip?”

    “I do believe you made some of those up!” Becky giggled.

    “Someone made them up, but it was not me, because they are all very real things, now,” Tanya insisted. “When you look at bill after to see how it could even be so much. All of these things are the why.”

    “The priority option thing’s bogus, just—” Mark began to argue.

    “Fifteen percent?!” Michael scoffed. “Let’s try three percent tip, and they’re lucky I’m—”

    “Yes we would need priority, because we want food now, yes?” Tanya snapped. “Not three hour from now, like last time. And Michael—you’re a dumbass. Three percent is—”

    “It’s a tip, just give ‘em five bucks or somethin’, geez,” Michael persisted. “It’s a fuckin’ gratuity.”

    “Tip for gigantious order for fifteen people, when we way out of way of city—” Tanya pressed.

    “Uh well babe, gigantious ain’t a word, and—”

    “Gigantious!” Emily spread her arms out in the air. “Yes it is. It’s my new favorite word! Gi-gant-i-ous!”

    Brian took that opportunity to join them on the couch, grabbing the last spot there right in next to Emily. The vivacious Latina had pulled her knees up and was cuddled in cozy next to Kelly but gave him a brilliant smile, while Kelly looked a little leery of relaxing back on the battered old piece of furniture. He lounged back and made himself comfortable, putting one arm up on the back cushions almost—but not quite—around to rest behind Emily. Not enough that any of these cretins would comment on him trying to make a move on Kelly’s girl, or something. 

    This couch honestly wasn’t that bad, at least not anymore—he’d helped Michael haul it outside when they first tried out that new hydrophobic spray stuff. The big bottle had been advertised for use on shoes and backpacks, but it worked like a charm on the couch upholstery fabric, with water beading on the surface and rolling right off with a swipe of the hand.

    Although… yeah, since we absolutely doused it with hydrophobic stuff, it WAS so absolutely heinous with chemical smell that no one would sit on it for that first week, Brian remembered, sniffing the air but only smelling campfire smoke now.

    Scotty’s dog STILL just wags his tail and grins but gives us skeptical side eye when we try to get him to jump up and sit, so SOMEONE can still smell it. But, it doesn’t get wet! I’m pretty sure the last time we checked it out, just the back zippers of the cushion covers were dotting with rust a little. And, well. Birds and insects avoid it like the plague.

    “You know normally I wouldn’t say nothin’, but three percent?” Monique cleared her throat. “What the actual fuck? Didn’t you used to work in food service, you fuckin’ scuzz-bucket?”

    “Yeah,” Will joined in. “Like—bruh.”

    “Bitch, please,” Michael tossed his empty beer can at Will. “Like you can even talk, you didn’t even pony up for—”

    “The rule is—tip twenty percent for good service, and ten percent for bad service!” Becky chimed in. “Right?!”

    “You don’t fucking tip them for bad service,” Mary said. “What the hell?”

    “Hey, hey,” Brian raised his voice until he had everyone’s attention. “Forget about it—I can just swing by and pick our order up.”

    “Brian—no,” Tanya refused with a stern look. “Candace will be here soon, so you stay.”

    He couldn’t help but exchange a helpless glance of amusement with Emily and Kell—it really did seem like everyone was now out to set him up with someone. Just earlier Tanya had cradled his face in her hands and gently prodded at his cheeks as if inspecting the merchandise, and now he felt like Tanya had been making sure the promised goods weren’t in too bad shape for whenever this Candace girl arrived.

    At least Christine’s makeup bruise stuff for me seems to have held up okay to rigorous examination?

    Becky was giving him those salacious looks like she used to, except tonight he couldn’t even say that they were teasing ones, or that she was just joking around with that like she used to. Mark had actually prodded his sister into coming on the promise of Brian being single. Emily’s little sister was even jumping in on this and seemed eager to participate in helping him put Chloe behind him. It was all very touching, but in a that peculiar exasperating way that made him want to chuckle and shake his head.

    “Well, somebody has to go, then…” Becky turned a pout towards Will and batted her eyelashes. “So…”

    “What? Ugh, c’mon…”

    “One two three not it!” Emily called. 

    “Not it!” Mark joined in.

    “Not it!” Monique said.

    “Not it!” Aunt Mattie chuckled.

    “We don’t have a car, so…” Katie exchanged a shrug with Dottie.

    “Will,” Tanya pointed the cash she’d collected from everyone at him. “Go pick up our food.”

    “Do I get a tip?” Will grumbled.

    “Brian’s buying you breadsticks, you ungrateful shithead!” Mary snarked. “Just fucking go, Jesus. We’re starving.”

    “Yeah,” Katie agreed. “Hurry up!”

    “My sweet, sweet Willace,” Michael serenaded Will. “My Willard darling boy. I will give you the tip… but just the tip, because no homo. Bring those tight little buns over here, and—”

    “Fuck off,” Will sighed.

    “Can we just not?” Mary scowled. “Do you have to always be so disgusting all the time?”

    “No homo,” Mark added.

    “Michael, enough with the butts,” Tanya ordered. “Or, you can go with Will to pick up our order.”

    “Alright, alright,” Michael flinched back and held up his hands in an exaggerated way as if that was a punishment too cruel. “Geez. Don’t get your panties all in a twist, damn.”

    With no small amount of additional heckling—and several last second reminders on this or that part of the order—Will departed with the big wad of cash, disappearing down the trail back towards the house. For an order that big, Brian honestly would have preferred they send two people, because whenever Will got back they would need way more hands to ferry everything over here towards the bonfire, anyways. The front of Aunt Mattie’s place had ample grassy spots to park, but back here the yard was much more rugged and there was no way for any of them to back a vehicle with all of the stuff the whole way back here.

    “So, uh,” Brian paused. “What’s all this about a Candace? She works at your firm?”

    “She does, yes,” Tanya smiled. “She also—”

    “So, is she an actual attorney boss babe—or is she some secretary coffee fetcher, like you?” Mary scoffed. “‘Cause, I mean. I don’t see her here tonight? Might as well have—”

    “Whoa, whoa—” Mark cautioned. “Christ. Don’t poke the tiger.”

    “I am a paralegal, she is a legal clerk,” Tanya cast an icy glare Mary’s way. “So, no. Neither of us are secretaries. Not exactly. And Candace also has second real job, at public library. What is it you do again, Mary? Bakery clerk at grocery store?”

    “Um, I’m still a student, though?” Mary said. “So. Yeah. I’m not a fucking bakery stooge, I’m a communications major? I’m going to be a social media manager, the literal face of a big company, someday, so—”

    “Useless fake job,” Tanya sneered. “Reblog and like and share blah blah blah buzzword nonsense that no one will read. Not at all like studying law, where—”

    “Um, no?” Mary’s voice rose in pitch. “It’s actually way more important than your stupid legal bullshit? Statistically, more than ninety percent of normal people don’t ever even—”

    “Wait wait, Candace?” Emily snapped her fingers. “Public library? Like, as in Seneca Public Library? Mrs. Candace, there?”

    “Ms. Candace there, yes,” Tanya corrected with a frown. “You know her?”

    “Isn’t that the lady who interviewed Steph?” Emily turned towards Kelly for confirmation. “You remember her? From the library when we were all meeting up a few weeks ago. Isn’t she like… older? Older than us?”

    “Hmm,” Kelly pursed her lips. “Tanya, exactly how old is Candace?”

    “She is fine,” Tanya pouted. “Just a little older than Brian. She’s not old. She’s still close enough around our age, and much more mature than—”

    “Well is she younger than me, at least?” Aunt Mattie joked. “I hope?”

    “She’s… twenty-six or twenty-seven,” Tanya finally said. “However—”

    “Does she have kids?!” Mark asked. “Like, holy shit. Tanya are you tryin’ to sic a whole damn cougar on our poor Brian? God damn.”

    “Christmas cake! Christmas cake!” Emily cheered, throwing her arms up. “Twenty-six, twenty-seven? Anything after the twenty-fifth is considered Christmas cake!”

    “Brian, you tryin’ to ice some Christmas cake?” Michael asked. “Bro, hell yeah. You put all that icing on that thang.”

    “Oh boy, here we go,” Becky sighed. “Just—yeah guys get it all out of your system, before this chick actually up and shows up.”

    “I don’t see it as any of anyone’s business!” Tanya said, crossing her arms. “There’s nothing wrong with—”

    “So, she probably has kids,” Mark nodded. “Gotcha, yeah, thought so. Single mom. Single mom of one? Of two? Three, four?”

    “She has a one-year-old son,” Tanya admitted. “But, Brian is good man, and would be a great father. You don’t think so?”

    “Uhhh—” Brian blanched, still trying to grapple with this whirlwind topic bearing down on him like a sudden hurricane. “Well, I mean…”

    “Brian you motherfuckerrr—” Michael hollered, pumping his fist into the air. “Yeah boi!”

    “Pfft,” Monique couldn’t help but laugh and turn a mocking look from them towards Christine. “Yeah, well. Good luck with all that, I guess?”

    “Yeah, yikes,” Mark winced. “Bro. C’mon.”

    “So, she’s a total MILF?” Michael asked. “Yeah I could see my boy Brian rawdoggin’ him down some MILFS. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with that. They need love, too—”

    “No, she’s not a, a MILF!” Tanya shot her boyfriend an exasperated look. “Michael!”

    “Oh, so he’s not gonna want to fug her?” Michael laughed. “Or, she doesn’t got a kid? Which is it?”

    “Wait, wait—Tanya, you do know what MILF means, right?” Emily pressed. “MILF. The acronym.”

    “Yes, ‘MILF’ is some porn category nonsense,” Tanya shook her head. “She is not anything of that. She is nice girl.”

    “So you don’t know what ‘MILF’ stands for—”

    “She’s coming here tonight?” Becky asked. “Uhh, with her kid?”

    “You know what, for real I think Brian would be a great dad,” Kelly finally spoke up. “Nothing wrong with having a kid. My best friend Chelsea, she’s a mom already. You’re all, what? Twenty-two? Twenty-three? Look, brats are gonna start popping up with everyone before you know it. That’s just life, as we get older. Matter of time.”

    “Mm-hmm, does sneak up on you before you know it,” Aunt Mattie chuckled in her dry voice. “One minute they’re all runnin’ around as kids, and you turn around for a second and look back, and then they’re practically all grown up themselves!”

    “Thank you,” Tanya said. “And no, she will not be bringing her child! Her son and any of her personal business will be between her and Brian, if they hit it off, so if you could please not—”

    “Not me, no brats popping up here,” Mary said with a mocking smile. “I’m nineteen and still in school! So. Obviously, that makes me a much better dating option, just in general? Let alone—”

    “So it makes you still a self-centered child?” Tanya shrugged. “So nice.”

    “No, I mean—” Katie cleared her throat. “Tanya, Mary does have a point. I’m nineteen, I’m in school, too. We don’t have all… that kind of baggage. Or a super huge age gap? I mean, a kid? Should you have maybe asked Brian first about that kind of thing? Before just randomly setting him up with someone who’s got a kid already? That’s super weird.”

    “It is a little weird,” Michael admitted. “Babe.”

    “Technically, it’s the exact same age gap?” Emily giggled. “Just, nineteen is four years younger than Bri, twenty-seven is four years older. Up, or down. S’all in the same uh, same kinda broad range?”

    “Up or down, Brian?” Mark asked, bringing both fists up to his face to mimic the painted hands creatures from the Goblin Labyrinth movie. “Uppp orrrr doooownn—?”

    “Yeah, well I’m younger,” Mary remained smug. “And guys prefer younger girls, so.”

    “I think they would make good couple?” Tanya gave them an indifferent shrug. “At least let them meet and talk? Before judging all on this and that? Does Brian want young silly girl for playing games, or proper woman ready to settle down? I think that—”

    “Was she married?” Mark asked. “If she’s already got a kid.”

    “She is single now,” Tanya deflected. “What does that matter?”

    “I’m actually kinda goin’ with Katie on this one?” Emily sounded bewildered. “Which never happens. But, for real. Setting Bri up with someone is one thing, but with some older woman who’s already got a kid and everything? Bruh. Bruh.”

    “Bruh,” Mark agreed.

    “She makes good money,” Tanya said. “She wouldn’t just be leeching Brian for support. If—”

    “What’s that supposed to mean?!” Monique huffed, shooting an instigating look towards Christine.

    “—If her and Brian got together, Candace could still take care of her son, even with just her job at library,” Tanya finished. “So. She wouldn’t be burden, or anything like that, and could still be proper housewife for rest of time. Rather than killing herself with two jobs. None of this is even up to any of you—this is for between her and Brian.”

    “Chloe wasn’t a BURDEN, though, and—”

    “Okay, yeah well that’s all cool and all,” Mary said in a dismissive tone. “But. I’m still a virgin. So. Yeah.”

    “Same?” Katie admitted in an embarrassed voice. “Um.”

    “I mean, but guys want a girl with some experience,” Becky insisted. “Not some total… bumbling ignoramus. Ya know?!”

    “Bumbling ignoramus?!” Katie retorted. “Becky, you did not. You did not just say that.”

    “Oh please,” Mary snorted. “Becky, that’s a funny way of saying you’re just blown out used goods—”

    “Jesus,” Brian coughed. “Mary—chill, chill—”

    “I’ve never had any complaints?” Becky snorted, unbothered. “Is a guy gonna prefer some clueless first timer, or a gal that knows how to give him a proper hummer? Someone who ain’t shy about takin’ care of her man’s needs every day? Because—”

    “Yeah, ease up, everyone,” Michael guffawed. “Half of y’all are still virgins, and then half of us aren’t. So, s’not like there’s any big—”

    “Because isn’t it a little weird to still be a virgin at freakin’ nineteen?” Becky muttered. “Well, I guess not around here. With Truliet, and everything…”

    “Exactly!” Michael slapped his thigh and then pointed. “No, fuck that. I been sayin’ it and sayin’ it. Everyone from San Michaels, we know how to score. None of us ever had a problem getting laid. Then, all the hoighty toighty stuck up kids from Truliet are all like—”

    “Hey, no way,” Brian laughed. “I know for a fact some of those Truliet girls were really getting around.”

    “Oh?” Emily teased. “You know that for a fact, huh? From what, from personal experience?! Do tell!”

    “I mean, not me personally, no,” Brian shook his head. “But, I didn’t have some seven-figure-salary dad who bought me a corvette at sixteen. Those types always had people lined up.”

    “Ew—the golf boy, yacht club, trust fund kids,” Katie made a noise of disgust. “I mean, yeah you’re not wrong, though. Just, it’s so gross.”

    “I’m just saving myself for marriage,” Mark said in a deadpan voice. “...No homo.”

    “Would you quit fucking saying that—”

    “Real men don’t even care about your body count,” Monique said. “That’s literally just an incel meme from those kind of weirdos. The MAG-TOW or LARP guys or whatever you even call them, now. The ones who play Mana: the Mastery, and paint their little figurines. So—”

    “Oi, oi—” Emily made noises of outrage. “There’s literally nothing wrong with my Warclanner figurines, you leave them outta this—”

    “Oh, that’s rich Mono, considering your body count’s into four digits—”

    “There’s nothing wrong with being a virgin!” Katie spoke up. “If you’re a girl, at least. If you’re a guy, then… yeah, that makes you kind of a total fucking loser.”

    “Four digits, damn—”

    “Bruh—” Mark complained. “I’m the loser, because I don’t go around knocking up dumb bitches? Nah, fuck that. If you—”

    “It’s not even four digits, it’s barely even three digits, so—”

    “Seriously? ‘Cause damn girl, that’s still—”

    “I wasn’t saying there’s anything wrong with being a virgin!” Becky explained in a fluster. “I’m just saying that maybe some guys don’t want to have to like, tiptoe around things, or have to coddle you through the whole it’s my first time, so it’s gotta be a super duper special romance movie experience thing. Let the virgins be with the virgins, let the people with experience be with people with experience. Right? I’m just sayin’... Brian’s not a virgin. So.”

    “And, that’s fine!” Katie held up her hands. “I figured he wasn’t a uh, a virgin or anything. I wasn’t going to expect—”

    “Brian’s not a virgin?!” Mark tried to sound aghast. “What the fuck, bro? I trusted you. You lost your V-card to Chloe? Chloe, of all people?!”

    “Hey!” Monique glared.

    “No, wasn’t Brian with Alyssa?” Becky asked. “Back before Chloe. Didn’t they shaboink?”

    “Brian, is this true?” Michael teased in a serious voice. “Listen, guys. Brian and me are gonna mosey on over by the house, and I’m gonna check and make sure his hymen is intact, ‘cause—”

    “No more butt jokes!” Tanya scolded. “Enough. Michael—you were warned.”

    “Brian—no hymen, no diamond!” Mark called over through cupped hands. “Shamefur dispray!”

    “Uhh Tanya babe listen, I dunno what they taught you at law school, but the hymen isn’t in the butt, so—”

    “Yeah Michael, you were warned,” Emily teased. “If it’s anyone, I should be the one to mosey on over with Brian and give him a l’il check up?”

    “Mm—and I can go along, in case he wants a second opinion?” Kelly added, looking him up and down with bedroom eyes. “Because…”

    “Oh, yeah right,” Katie scoffed. “Emily’s still a virgin, too. All that stuff she used to say about being with Josh, back then? Was totally made up. She never actually—”

    “Katie what the fuck?” Emily glared, appearing genuinely appalled that her own sister would try to call her out like that.

    “Yeah, seriously,” Kelly said. “If Emily’s still a virgin, then—who was with me earlier today? And last night? Annnd, night before last?”

    “Dayum,” Michael sputtered out into laughter. “God damn. Emily bro, c’mon. Right here; fist bump. Bro.”

    “Gross?” Mary made a face.

    “You know that doesn’t even count,” Katie rolled her eyes. “She hasn’t been with a guy.”

    “Who I’ve been with isn’t any of your business!” Emily bristled. “Like, what the actual fuck. I don’t pry into your pathetic love-life?!”

    “I uh, hey I think that likewise, my… sexual history and all that doesn’t need to be some kind of public discourse?” Brian said with a lopsided smile. “Guys? And we haven’t even met this Candace girl, yet. I appreciate that everyone’s thinking of me—some more than others, I guess, but—”

    “Now you’re just being full of yourself,” Monique laughed. “We’re all just messing around and like, making fun of you. No one here actually wants to be with you. Right, Chloe?”

    “You sure about that?” Emily arched an eyebrow. “Betcha three fiddy that you’re wrong.”

    “Emily your girlfriend’s right there,” Katie chastised her. “Maybe try and think about how she might feel? Maybe she doesn’t want to see you sperging after Brian like you always do?”

    “No, I’m game?” Kelly said in a breezy voice, fingers toying with the neckline of her shirt. “Emmie and I together can be the bread of a big ol’ Brian sandwich. What do you say, Brian? Down for a two-for-one?”

    “YEEEAHHH BUDDY!” Michael hollered. “Brooooo—!”

    “Gross,” Mary scowled.

    “Yeah, I don’t think Brian’s into that kind of thing?” Katie let out a nervous laugh. “He’s not really that kind of guy?”

    “Brian, if I was a girl I’d be twerkin’ snail trails all over dem abs,” Mark raised his beer. “Then turn around and show you that gluk gluk game for real. But, I’m a guy and no homo, so. Sorry, man.”

    “Yeah, same,” Michael agreed.

    “Can you both freaking NOT?!” Mary yelled. “That’s disgusting! Who even says that?!”

    “Yes, why does it get more and more descriptive every time you say something like that?” Tanya asked, bewildered. “Mark, you realize at some point your no homo is not going to excuse what comes out of your mouth anymore—”

    “I mean I’m just sayin’—”

    “Well, if I was two or three years younger, I’d let Brian take me out to dinner!” Aunt Mattie said. “So—”

    “Right, yes, just two or three years younger,” Tanya rolled her eyes. “But, for sake of modesty why don’t we let Candace be the one to—”

    “Brian hell, just say the word,” Becky guffawed. “You’re never gonna havta be on your lonesome unless that’s what you want. Hah, ‘no one wants to be with him?’ Who are you kidding, Mono? I remember seeing you flirt with him too back in the past.”

    “Yeah, just to like mess with him,” Monique said. “Same as we do to Will.”

    “What all happened with Brian and this convention, anyways?” Tanya asked. “This one that puts him in hospital. And where Emily apparently meets pretty girlfriend, here. We were supposed to get the whole story. So—what is whole story?”

    “Ooh! Oooh! I got this,” Emily sat up on the couch. “Brian, Kell—lemme tell it. Guys, this is gonna be good, you’re gonna love this. Well, maybe Chloe won’t? S’a huge big big big story, hyuuge, like it’s this whole gigantious incredible thing. Regular modern day epic. Hahh. You won’t even believe some of the—”

    “Just tell the fuckin’ story already!” Becky threw her hands up in frustration.

    “Okay, so well anyway!” Emily cleared her throat. “It all started when Brian went off to AnimeCon…”

( Previous, The Bonfire | After AnimeCon 2 | Next, The Whole Story )